Wractor's Blog
NINA HARTLEY ON POLYAMORY
If you don’t know who Nina Hartley is, you have our full endorsement to return to your Monastery. She’s an Adult-film Legend (your Dad probably has one of her earlier tapes stashed away somewhere), a tireless advocate of sexual freedom and instruction (her “Nina Hartley’s Guide(s)” cover everything remotely sexual) and a power player at the adult mega-corporation Adam & Eve. Not only that, she’s one of the only people to make polyamorous relationships succeed!
K.K.: You’re one of the few people that’s actually made polyamory WORK. So, how long have you been in your current poly relationships?
NINA HARTLEY: I wasn’t polyamorous all my life, not knowing the word for it, and if I’d understood the concept better when I was in my 20s, I would have managed my first multiple relationship better. I didn’t understand all that has to be in place before it can actually work. It’s not just a desire, but you have to have a good sense of your self, you have to have good communication, good boundaries, set your limits on things, and understand that what you want, and what you get, are going to be different. So I was sexually certainly that way early on, but they didn’t have the word for it. So people thought I was a ‘swinger’. But I’m more than a swinger.
K.K.: Right, because polyamory’s not just about swinging…
NINA HARTLEY: No, it’s not, swinging is about pair-bonding with fun on the side.
But the love relationship is usually a one on one, it’s emotionally monogamous. Polyamory accepts and supports the fact that you can have multiple emotional connections with people of varying depths, of varying intensities, of varying duration,
that flow and change with life; that a person can be important now, and drop out of sight and come back and be important again. So it respects the fact that human emotions are not neat and tidy, and that if you don’t try to shame people about their sexuality, and can have discussions about it, you can be amazed at what can actually develop, in terms of relationships, friendships, connections, community, tribal affinity. And so, I’ve known that about myself all along, and I haven’t been able to make it work properly, until I got with my current partner.
K.K.: Besides, nobody even had a word for polyamory* up until recently…
(See, even my spell-check doesn’t recognize it—K.K.)
NINA HARTLEY: It was always “Oh, you’re a cheater! Oh, you’re wishy-washy! Or you’re fickle, or you’re shallow, or you’re insecure, or you’re afraid of commitment, blah, blah, blah…”
K.K.: I always thought, why should you have to make a choice between two or more people that you love, and you feel the same way about?
NINA HARTLEY: What’s really important for people to understand that while monogamy is the social norm, in terms of our wiring, it’s a ‘wiring preference’. I know when I was younger and more arrogant, I’d say “Oh, no one’s monogamous, it’s a total farce, it’s a total fallacy”, and now I know that’s not true. Some people are monogamous. When their heart’s engaged, you’re all I want, I’m not interested in you (mentioning Dave Necro standing nearby—Sorry, Dave—K.K.), you’re very nice, but I wouldn’t want you if I’m not in love…and that’s how you are. And I realize, I can be in love with you, but you’re (Dave again—K.K.) still very interesting to me. And to understand that, my heart may be yours, but my crotch belongs to me, and I can spread that around. But for me, I’m also emotionally attached to more than one person. I have my main partner, my husband, I’m pretty much emotionally monogamous with him. The heavy work of intimacy I do with him…the seeing and being seen, and doing all that stuff. But I don’t just ‘fuck other people, I make love with my friends. So I have a circle of friends, and I mainly see them once or twice a year, and when we see each other, it’s a sexual thing; we’re known to each other, we’re friends, that’s fine, they’re happy and I’m happy. So that’s what I like about polyamory, is the different range of emotional connection that can take place. There can be the ‘big one’, the sixty or eighty percent of my emotional thing with you, and the twenty percent I can parcel out to whomever.
K.K.: I’ve got your guide, Older Women and Younger Men…are you just doing the Guides now, or anything else?
NINA HARTLEY: Oh, no, I make three to five movies a month, for other people…regular old sex movies. The “MILF” craze has been very good for my career!
K.K.: Oh, by the way, here’s a series I’m developing about polyamory, it’s like a combination of “Big Love” and “The X-Files” (K.K. takes the opportunity to give her an overview of “QUAD”)
NINA HARTLEY: HaHA! I love it!
K.K.: And thanks very much for your time!
NINA HARTLEY: Thank YOU very much!
If you don’t know who Nina Hartley is, you have our full endorsement to return to your Monastery. She’s an Adult-film Legend (your Dad probably has one of her earlier tapes stashed away somewhere), a tireless advocate of sexual freedom and instruction (her “Nina Hartley’s Guide(s)” cover everything remotely sexual) and a power player at the adult mega-corporation Adam & Eve. Not only that, she’s one of the only people to make polyamorous relationships succeed!
K.K.: You’re one of the few people that’s actually made polyamory WORK. So, how long have you been in your current poly relationships?
NINA HARTLEY: I wasn’t polyamorous all my life, not knowing the word for it, and if I’d understood the concept better when I was in my 20s, I would have managed my first multiple relationship better. I didn’t understand all that has to be in place before it can actually work. It’s not just a desire, but you have to have a good sense of your self, you have to have good communication, good boundaries, set your limits on things, and understand that what you want, and what you get, are going to be different. So I was sexually certainly that way early on, but they didn’t have the word for it. So people thought I was a ‘swinger’. But I’m more than a swinger.
K.K.: Right, because polyamory’s not just about swinging…
NINA HARTLEY: No, it’s not, swinging is about pair-bonding with fun on the side.
But the love relationship is usually a one on one, it’s emotionally monogamous. Polyamory accepts and supports the fact that you can have multiple emotional connections with people of varying depths, of varying intensities, of varying duration,
that flow and change with life; that a person can be important now, and drop out of sight and come back and be important again. So it respects the fact that human emotions are not neat and tidy, and that if you don’t try to shame people about their sexuality, and can have discussions about it, you can be amazed at what can actually develop, in terms of relationships, friendships, connections, community, tribal affinity. And so, I’ve known that about myself all along, and I haven’t been able to make it work properly, until I got with my current partner.
K.K.: Besides, nobody even had a word for polyamory* up until recently…
(See, even my spell-check doesn’t recognize it—K.K.)
NINA HARTLEY: It was always “Oh, you’re a cheater! Oh, you’re wishy-washy! Or you’re fickle, or you’re shallow, or you’re insecure, or you’re afraid of commitment, blah, blah, blah…”
K.K.: I always thought, why should you have to make a choice between two or more people that you love, and you feel the same way about?
NINA HARTLEY: What’s really important for people to understand that while monogamy is the social norm, in terms of our wiring, it’s a ‘wiring preference’. I know when I was younger and more arrogant, I’d say “Oh, no one’s monogamous, it’s a total farce, it’s a total fallacy”, and now I know that’s not true. Some people are monogamous. When their heart’s engaged, you’re all I want, I’m not interested in you (mentioning Dave Necro standing nearby—Sorry, Dave—K.K.), you’re very nice, but I wouldn’t want you if I’m not in love…and that’s how you are. And I realize, I can be in love with you, but you’re (Dave again—K.K.) still very interesting to me. And to understand that, my heart may be yours, but my crotch belongs to me, and I can spread that around. But for me, I’m also emotionally attached to more than one person. I have my main partner, my husband, I’m pretty much emotionally monogamous with him. The heavy work of intimacy I do with him…the seeing and being seen, and doing all that stuff. But I don’t just ‘fuck other people, I make love with my friends. So I have a circle of friends, and I mainly see them once or twice a year, and when we see each other, it’s a sexual thing; we’re known to each other, we’re friends, that’s fine, they’re happy and I’m happy. So that’s what I like about polyamory, is the different range of emotional connection that can take place. There can be the ‘big one’, the sixty or eighty percent of my emotional thing with you, and the twenty percent I can parcel out to whomever.
K.K.: I’ve got your guide, Older Women and Younger Men…are you just doing the Guides now, or anything else?
NINA HARTLEY: Oh, no, I make three to five movies a month, for other people…regular old sex movies. The “MILF” craze has been very good for my career!
K.K.: Oh, by the way, here’s a series I’m developing about polyamory, it’s like a combination of “Big Love” and “The X-Files” (K.K. takes the opportunity to give her an overview of “QUAD”)
NINA HARTLEY: HaHA! I love it!
K.K.: And thanks very much for your time!
NINA HARTLEY: Thank YOU very much!