walter's Blog

This blog is just about me pulling out what I feel deep down, and hopefully getting to the root of any bizarre feelings so I can fix them.

I am scared to lose my girlfriend.

Why am I scared to lose my girlfriend? I love my girlfriend. I love her looks, I love her in bed, I love her personality. I get jealous when other guys talk with her. I sometimes find myself wondering what she's been up to all day, and if she's been with another man.

I never use to think this way. I use to give her all the freedom she wanted because I just wouldn't care. I wasn't the jealous type of guy. In fact, two years ago this girl fell for me hard. I was certain that she would never do anything with another guy because our connection was just way to strong. 

Lately it feels as if our relationship is going stale. She just seems to go through the motions of loving me, without any real passion behind them.

We have quite the history me and this girl. I stole her from another guy, who she was dating for three years. Its not something I am proud of, but at the time I just WANTED her so bad - I knew she was right for me...and she knew it too. I was banging her for months without her boyfriend knowing. I think this may be where my fear stems from.

For her to have been in a relationship for three, going on FOUR years with a man, she must have been very into him at one point - just as she was with me at one point. As soon as she met me, she had a way better connection with me. She KNEW what she was doing was bad, and felt very bad about the whole situation, but had this irresistable hunger for more. It was almost as if it was out of her control to cheat on her boyfriend - that's how strong these emotions were.

I am scared that maybe I'll be on the other end of the table soon. That new guy will come along, and even though me and this girl once had an awesome connection - she will feel such intense emotions that it erases our past and she will cheat. 

Obviously this is a very unhealthy belief to have. I want this belief OUT of my mind so this won't become a reality.

Why is this belief absurd? The whole belief stems from the belief that our relationship is going stale. Is our relationship really going stale, or is that just in my head? This idea didn't just pop into my head randomly - there must be a reason I believe our relationship is going stale. Lately I have been acting like a chode because of this stupid belief in my head. It's no wonder I've been receiving signals that our relationship is going stale. I am NO LONGER the guy that I was when our relationship began.

When our relationship began I was living in abundance. I had multiple girls to chose from. I was extremely happy every single day. When I met this girl, I had nothing to lose. She was JUST a girl. I may have had a lot of feelings for this girl compared to others, but at the end of the day I would NOT hesitate to walk away if I was no longer happy with her. 

So, somewhere along the way (and this may have been gradually) I became attached to this girl. Anchored in. Scared to lose this girl, I would act in a certain way to try and make her respond well. Try to make her 'like' me, when she already did. The more I pulled moves like these, the more chody I became - the less she responded - the more I felt I HAD to make her like me. At this point I am no longer happy every day, living abundantely, detached from the outcome. Instead, I am usually unhappy, stopped talking with other girls, and completely attached to the outcome of this relationship.

So, the belief that our relationship is going stale is real. It occured from a gradual change from my awesome self to my chody self while in a relationship. The solution is to stop choding around and become my awesome self again. 

Why is being a chode stupid? First off, you don't get girls and you lose the ones you already have. You're needy, insecure, and attached to outcomes. You're generally unhappy because of your attachement to the outcomes. 

How will living like a chode continue to affect my life? I'll wake up every single day feeling unhappy about the circumstance I'm in. I'll eventually lose my motivation and become depressed. At that point, my girlfriend will end up either breaking up with me or cheating on me. She won't be cheating on ME, she will be cheating on the CHODY me. She would never cheat on the AWESOME me. 

On some extent I already feel depressed and unhappy every day because of my circumstances. Living like a chode IS real and, if I don't start manning up, my future is already layed out for me. A future of misery, sadness, loneliness. Is that the type of future I want? Hell no.

Odd perspective: If I go down the road of being a chode and having my girlfriend cheat on me, this would be MASSIVE fuel to take action. Look at Tyler and Tim. Their girlfriends both cheated on them and they decided to make a change for good. They had that reference experience of misery from being a chode. So would going down the road of being a chode right now be THAT bad in the long, long run? Probably not.

That perspective makes me so much more detached to this relationship I can not even explain it. Its like no matter what I do, I win. BUT, why not save myself the trouble and chose to change NOW. Why go through the misery to get those reference experiences? I ALREADY know they're real. I've had a taste of them. I haven't feasted on them, but I've had a taste. And I know that taste is unpleasant.

So, how will I take action to become my AWESOME self again? I know if I don't form a plan, I'll continue with my old habbits and run down that path of misery. So, a plan IS necessary and work MUST be done starting today.

I think its important for me to have a life outside of the relationship. Before the relationship, my life was going out to party and hook up with chicks. As soon as I entered the relationship, I began partying less because I couldn't hook up with other chicks. I lost one of my main passions at the time.

If I want to become detached from this relationship, the relationship cannot be my life. I need a passion outside of the relationship. So, for this summer, what can I do outside of my relationship?

I will start playing a new sport and try to become the best I can be at it. That means practice, getting excited for the games, supporting and pushing my team mates to do better as well as myself.

I have a full-time job that I will try and do my best at.

I will start partying again, and meeting new friends. Before I believed that having a girlfriend meant I couldn't have fun at a party. Is this a valid statement? No. I know other guys who have a girlfriend and still have fun when they go out. Tyler had a girlfriend as well, and he still went out and had awesome times. I just have to switch my focus when I go out: instead of trying to hook up with chicks, just have fun. In a positive light, not feeling as if I have to hook up with chicks will make me so much more relaxed and detached from outcomes. I can just relax and completely enjoy myself.

I will try and setup at least one sweet travel adventure this summer.

I will reread this post at least once a week to remind myself of the commitments I have made.

Hell, I feel pretty good at the end of writing this.

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Join Date: 04/17/2011 | Posts: 89

 Damn, after reading this months later I didn't commit to any of the goals I said I would.

Relationship's better though. Way less needy somehow? Without going out
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