song's Blog

Ok.
So I'm getting laid, I have (almost)  the success I want and more girls than I can handle, which is not really many, but now other priorities will take over.

In all those four years in the Community, I changed a lot and for the good, but I also realized that I don't likee most of the people in it.
Even the most successfull seducers I saw, were unable to have fun at parties and get rid of their pole in the ass... Definitely not fun people to be with.
I never managed to build any meaningful friendship out of the Community, so screw them.
I have plenty of friends, all good, awesome, stimulating people, and I feel far happier.
In fact, this will likely be my last post here.

For my further development, I'm dropping my job and my carreer and changing continent.
I'm scared, but it's what I need to do.
Still lots to learn.
I'm curious to see where I'll end.

All my best to you guys.
Peace.

Four parties, four times I extract the hottest girl in the party.
Once I got dumped but ended up kissing another one, which means:
Four parties, four k-closes.

This is just...
No, it makes no sense.
It's just not me, it's not what I am used to, what I expect from me.
I should feel overjoyed, but I'm mostly confused.

After the third time, the bar was set high and I really felt like there was no way I could outdo myself again.
Started in a bad mood, overthinking, low energy and raging insecurity due to the crush for a girl I'm afraid to lose and the certaneity of being unable to meet my expectations.
It makes no sense, it shatters whatever I thought I knew about women, seduction and myself.

I was planning to settle for some half-assed approach to some unattractive girl, then she arrived and I thought I would go for her.
I didn't have the time.
Apparently we had a common friend (that I was surprised myself to meet there), and he just threw her in my arms.
I wanted to dance, and she was rigid like a wood log.
It felt terribly awkward, I extracted just because dancing was not going anywhere.

I mean, I am obviously very happy of what happened, but it's...
Dunno.
I don't understand what I am doing right.
Maybe it's just sheer luck.

I have great friends.
I take it easy and wait, let things develop.
I focus on "what can I do NOW to have fun?"
And I lead.
But it's just...

Dunno.
I am hugely confused.
And happy and satisfied, I guess.

Nexted the one that does not answer the telephone, all the comfirmations I needed so disperately came.
But it does not matter, because next time I will be in the same, needy situation.
I am still far too outcome dependent, too needy, and too obsessed about my success with girls.

Anyway, gotta move on, confidence will come with experience.

I have to learn how to do the same thing I do when I dance, but just with words.
And without the music.
In short, to have an great, amusing conversation.
No clue how to do that.

Yesterday I had a long, interesting conversation with a girl.
The convo didn't go anywhere and I just got stuck exposing my ideas in a way that I found boring myself.
No teasing, no flirting, no tension.

Forward plan: joke and tease or leave the conversation.

So, Ms.Stunning from the previous post does not even answer my calls or text, save when I call from a number she does not know.
This is terribly frustrating and, together with some other lacks of confirmations here and there dropped me in a terrible mood.
Wasted the entire day in self-loathing, but now I recovered at least a decent mood.
Mmmh... I'm becoming fast at this.
Fuck, I hate it.
We had good time together.
What's happening now?
Yeah, I can't possibly expect a girl to tell me "no" outright, but even being scared of confronting me... Not even saying "Ooooh, I'm sooo busy..."
She was at my place, she knows I'm not dangerous!

Another rubber wall.
I'm doing something terribly wrong, and my inability to figure out what it is frustrates me badly.

Ok, I happen to be Italian.
Ok, I'm also more skilled than most non-community people around me.
But fuck! I HATE being kicked into a stereotype.
Especially because my... ehm... "transformation" happened largely away from Italy, and I am definitely not the macho-show-off type.


Anyway.
What happened.
New Years Eve.
One-itis is still consuming me, I feel uncertain, insecure, I need to prove myself and I have too much energy to stay calm.
They come at my place for the dinner, she's stunning and nice.
Overall mood is nice, but energy is low... I'm exploding.
None really knows none else, but after 0:00 we relax and I can start shouting and venting out energy.
I somehow manage not to act after my neediness, and little by little recover my cool.

Accept the current mood, the current feelings, even laugh about it.
Also, be patient, give things their time.
It works.

We go out and join the big party.
It starts into another low, I stroll around aimless and bored.
Approach a beautiful girl, she's unresponsive, bye bye.

Approach another, she's VERY responsive and I stick there.
A friend of mine comes in and steals her attention.
Ok, not very graceful of him, but he's a good guy, and probably a bit drunk, I let them alone.

Energy slowly (terribly slowly) builds up and a few brave people start dancing, including Ms.Stunning.
They're my people, so I stick with them, but I have to be careful not to ask her for comfirmations and just center to myself and have fun.
She gives me no IOIs whatsoever.. Not good, but not bad either.
I wait patiently and just enjoy the dance.
When the energy feels right, it's time to take the lead.
I offer her the hand and start spinning her around.
She does not play along too much, but I stay centered and playful, and after a while she's consistently turned towards me... Talk about lack of IOIs...
I can't believe that the hottest girl in the bar, that showed no interest whatsoever in me, now is ignoring the others and dancing with me.
This alone makes my day.

I enjoy the dance, tease her, push her away then...
Do I have to extract?
This scares me.
She reversed-kinoed me, with not much conviction.
I just cannot conceive that she likes me enough.
But it's just seamless.
"Hey, let's go out to cool down".
I lead her, she follows.

We're out, I grab her waist, she puts her forearm on my shoulder...
Not enough intimacy for the kiss, must escalate, but how?
I attempt some chat mixed with kino, ask her how good a kisser is she, and she comes out with the fucking italian womanizer comment.
I don't know what to say, and deliver an unconvinced "Yes, I am a womanizer, I guess..."
Thing is, I resent the stereotype and I resent the fact that my "womanizer" fame is far larger than my actual skill.
Not getting laid and being called a womanizer it's kinda frustrating.
We chat a bit more and I recover a positive vibe, but we go back in.

On hindsight, I should have grabbed her "hey, I have to check one thing at the car" just to take back the lead and keep the intimacy.

Night goes on with a great energy and fun.
We where supposed to exchange random gift, but I take mine and force it in her hands despite her refusal.
"I hit on three girls tonight, and you were the only interesting one, so I want you to take it."
She takes it.
I also wrote her a message a few hours later.

Everything's not lost.

As soon as she left, I shoot myself shamelessly to Ms.VERY Responsive.
Nothing much happened, let's just say very, very bad logistics... It caught me completely unprepared.
But there finished the last day of 2009.



DEBRIEFING
Many people saw me extracting the two girls... My womanizer fame exceeds my skill by far and it's a problem.
But at least, for the first time, I really thought it was somehow deserved.
"Fuck I'm good!"

Original as I am, I'm terribly attracted by Ms.Stunning, but with her I risk going into "rational justification" discussion mode.
She's actually a funny person, one of the few girls I know that actually initiates jokes, but I end up overlooking this because I'm insecure and think about justifying myself rather than enjoying her company.
If she thinks that I am a filthy italian womanizer, I will not fight it, but rather joke and tease her about it.

Aaaaaaaah!
Party season's back.
I needed that.

First party, we go there early.
Old people, shitty music, terrible party.
I take it easy.
I know things take time to kick in, so I just slack around, eat junk food...
There's a cute girl, we joke a bit here and there.
She's funny, but she's weird-shy, she likes me somehow, but all in all she's not much to offer, I am disappointed and bring my fun elsewhere.
Lately I've been expecting more from the people around me.
I put less effort in people unable to keep up with me.
I don't think they are worse than I am, I do my very best not to belittle nor judge, they are just not for me.
And it probably means that I know better what I want, I'm very happy of this.

A couple of hours pass on relative chill out, and finally younger people comes in.
There's a beautiful foreign girl.
I ignore her, I'm having good time just being there, maybe chatting around, maybe eating junk food.

Then I am there, just teasing her.
It just happens.
I did nothing special, no fireworks, no opener.. Warm approaches are just easy, I was in a good, relaxed mood and went very smooth.
She was very friendly and with good attitude, so it just came very natural, I had no idea of what I was doing, it just felt funny and good.
WOW!

We dance, there's a lot of contact and a great vibe.
We stop for a second, and she gets stolen by another guy.
He's a very good dancer and I enjoy looking at them for a while.
But he's an entertainer, my competition at this party is zero.
Some more strolling around and chatting casually with other people, then I'm dancing again with her, and this time it becomes very sexual.
I enjoy the dance, I enjoy feeling her body, she has a wonderful energy.

She takes initiative and tries to take control a couple of times; I let her do as long as I like it.
It makes me feel more free to enjoy the moment, less pressure, more playful back-and-forth interaction.
This is an important development for me.
I feel comfortable in breaking the rules, in not doing everything perfectly.
In being manly and dominant because I want to, not because I feel I have to.

Then, it's time to extract so I wait for an high point.
It does not yet feel very natural.
I invite her to the balcony to cool down, she follows me and we make out.
"Do you do like that with every girl you meet?"
"Only those that are worth it."

She puts a lot of energy in the make out, as I write I still have a small wound in my inner lower lip, but hey, she's an awesome kisser, I can't really complain.

Ok, she wants me, I want her, how can we end up this night horizontal?
Big problem, she's with her host, and they come from they other side of the city, without a car.
So when I suggest to leave somehow just the two of us, she answers just "I prefer a friend to a ONS".
Given the logistics we were, it was a very good excuse.
Indeed it would have been extremely rude of her to let her host go back home alone.

How do you go around this?
I had no idea, so I just left with some friends for another party.

I appreciated her honesty and maturity.
The local girls lack this.
I really start to think that the girls I can find here suck.

Being able to conquer a girl I'd spend my life with.

After one life spent a crush after the other, after years spent building
yourself for the better, I suddently found myself again victim of one-itis.
But this time, it was different.
This time, she likes me.
What happens when your greatest dreams become reality, when you finally reach the goal you worked so hard for?
What happens when you reach the Holy Grail?
Simple.
You plunge into despair.

"Is this what I want?"
"Is this what I longed for, and fought for?"
"I am here, and now what?"
I felt old, tormented, I don't even know how to describe it.
Is my journey ended?
What do I do now?
What is going to be my motivation, my drive?
I did enjoy the journey, but where to go now?

I spent one month without any motivation, any enthusiasm.
The winter and the decreased social opportunities it carried didn't help either.
Now, social life has resumed, and with that my confidence, and my mood.
Is my mood too dependent from the outside?
Most likely.

As I write now, social life, intrest in girls and motivation have come back.
Not as a clear direction, just as a "Hey, I like it, I enjoy it".
And of course, I put in perspective my crush...

In the end, I don't know.
I think that I have no direction and no drive, but when I am happy and in a good mood it does not seem to be a matter of direction and drive.
Maybe I have it, and I just have to think less.
And that's my journey.

Went out with friends yesterday.
Company's great, but it's swing/charleston night.
I try a few steps, but's not for me.
No glory in following someone else's steps, no passion in not interpreting the music.
Not my kind of dance, and so far for pushing myself out of comfort.

Ugly girls, enthusiasm zero, motivation zero, feeling tired and sloppy.
Fuck it, I go and start hitting on a girl.
I pull out great energy and decent vibe, she's all smily and polite, but keeps turning away.
A brief useless convo, I'm talking too fast, she turns, then grabs another guy and start dancing.
I assume she's shit testing me, but I have done more than I feel like for a girl I don't want.

Dunno what's exactly happening.
I'm developing a raging one-itis, at least I have kissed her a couple of times.
Yup, I found a very interesting girl and my motivation is gone.

I see the one-itis is a consequence: I feel like a desperate loser, so I go crazy after the only quality girl that I've kissed of late.
Fuck, I'm 28 and I speak like a teenager.

Indeed, most of the girls I meet around are dull meatbags, devoid of passion and creativity.
I feel no interest in going out to meet more of them.

But also, that's a puny, bullshit excuse not to work hard, not to go beyond my comfort zone.
Do I want that girl?
Then I have to make my life awesome for myself.

I'm nervous, lustful and angry.
Good, energy is building up.

Yeah.
One week at enthusiasm zero.
Even now I don't really care too much about sarging, or girls in general.

What the fuck is my life about?
What do I like?
Do I have any passion?

These are the priorities.
The times I have these down, girls come.
Too often, however, I don't really know what I am interested in, where do I want to commit myself.

Becoming a womanizer won't fix it, only make it worse.

One week without anyone to go out with, and not the balls to go out alone and entertain myself.
Luckily I made a huge party at my place.
Fuck, I needed some social interaction.
Awesome!
We danced and flirted all night.
Best of all, I kept my cool and enjoied myself greatly despite having been in a hole for so long.
Made some cool friends, flirted with all the girls, had a great time.
Screwed up because I didn't take the lead as I should have and didn't even consider extraction.
Yup, there I DID defintely feel the days of choding, but honestly, I was too busy enjoying myself to give a fuck about it.

Yesterday went out again with Canello, but Monday sucks, it's like being in a ghost city, we made a coupla half-assed approaches on ugly women and that was all.

Priests calls me out for bar game.
I have a headache, I'm tired and feel lazy... Many great nights start this way, so I don't even consider staying home.

But mood is bad.
I feel uninterested in humanity, zero sexual desire, zero stimulation.
It took me a few days to ruin myself to this level.
I open on the tram, but lacking conviction, I eject like a chicken.

I used to think that purposelessness leads to indolence and apathy.
It's most probably the very opposite: inaction leads to everything being perceived as useless.
I must react.
I used to take pride in not even having a TV set.
Now I realize that I have nonetheless far too many habits that I use to shut down my brain and forsake the responsibility of my own happiness.

Nice realization, but for tonight the damage is done.
I enter the bar... Too much noise, too much smoke, too bad mood, I don't even feel like chatting with Priest... We chode a bit, then I decide that the only thing I can do to get some stimulation is opening.

I go there with the intention of not losing too much, I have to scream to make them hear me, headache pumps up, and they are almost less interested then I am, I eject.
As a side note, now I feel stupid, one of them was very cute.

We change bar, I open again and it's just a copy of what just happened, but without the cute girl.
I call it a day.


DEBRIEFING
I'm choding in my life.
Lazyness at its finest.
This will be stopped NOW.
Stop wasting time on internet, stop procrastinating and having my brain in spectator mode.
I'm going to tidy my place, cook, read.
And day game in the afternoon.