Roel's Blog

Inconsistent consistency.....

Yesterday I had a really bad night, my openers didn't go that well, didn't got the responses I normally get, my timing was bad and in the end I got in a negative headspace which resulted in less aproaching. Although I reminded myself to push it to the bitter end I couldn't achieve a nice flow, the nice flow I had the last week.

So I started reflecting on how a "good night" most of the times developes. In my case a good night is a night when it's as good as the last night or better. Last week I had a very good night, I opened and closed in a few minutes with a 8,5 and I went home with a 7,5. That night I had one goal: aprouches! I had no expectations: it just happend and the supprising feeling led to a amazing state.

But then there was last night.... And it's not ony this night, it seems to have some kind of pattern:

Bad night - chode week - good night - feeling like a boss - bad night - chode week - good night -

The crazy thing is that my good nights progress and get better and better, but my bad night also progress to more bad. I guess the last is not a fact, but my interpretation. I should take credit for my actions, not my results. But this is a difficult paradime because the results often tell you something about your actions, but not always.

In this case, for me it's clear there's some work to be done, because there is a consistent patern of inconsistency.

Can anybody help me out whit this or point me in the right direction? Because although I pimp it every two weeks, in between I have no idea what I'm doing...
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Yesterday I went out alone, got my bike and drove to the city, it's  a 20 minute drive which I tend to spend with my headphones on and singing out loud to unwind some of my stiffness.

At the city I reconned that, first time going out on my own and spending the night sober, I was quite intimidated by the loud bars with big groups of people standing in front of it. My awareness of this sensation made me look at myself as vulnerable. I tried to replace it with the thought that I'm not so vulnerable because I stept up and made a commitment to myself to do this didn't know if it worked.....I guess the feeling didn't go away because I didn't prove my brain that it was safe.

At the club of choice there was a huge line, so I stept in an waited. After 10 minutes I was in. As a full chode I walked around looking for "that special girl" (that at that moment is just in front of my fucking eyes only my brain keeps saying: not in state yet). A month ago I trained myself to open anything in the first 5 minutes, but on this night.... it's all gone....
convidence to approach! And it's gone...

I kept on walking throught the crowd as I came to the DJ booth were there was a rodeo bull (special party). There were two girls standing next to the line. I opened on one saying like a true chode: do you know if you have to pay money for this ride.... She responsed well, and within 10 minutes we made out teeth.

After I made out with the girl I wanted to hit up some other girls but this stupid sorry-ass feeling came over me that I could not leave this girl behind now I made out with her. I felt that it was rude and I couldn't shake that feeling. But deep inside I had the feeling I just wanted to score a 10, while this girl was a 6. Somehow it was the same feeling I have when I have approaching anxiety: your feet are just stuck to this imaginary chain and everytime you think of it, it pulls tighter and tighter. God bless my f#cking DNA!

As an effort to lose the girl (in a chodey matter) I said I went to the bathroom. She came with me, but the lines in front of the ladies are allways longer, so when she was in, I had plenty of time to get lost. On my own on the dancefloor I felt free, but I still had doubts: what if the girl saw me hitting on some other girls. It made me lose my initial vibe and replaced it with......aproaching anxiety. When I don't have your friends by your side, I am much more selfconcious, especially when I am on my own. Thoughts like: "What do people think when they see that I am on my own?", "they must think I am a sad, anti-social retard"

I broke through the wall using the "Tyler-walk-first-technique" and approuched a good looking blond (8,5). She was quite intimidated I could tell, and my aprouch was solid. But then emmidiately her boyfriend came up in my face and pulled the girl away. When I looked around I saw the girl ( I made out with) watching me, which made me feel like an asshole. After that it was really hard to do approaches. I wandered around and tried to draw state from within by dancing on the music and just accepting and appreciating what was going on around me. I did 2 more approaches, but I could tell that the feeling of neediness chased the girls away. Also the approaches werent convincing enough.

By chance I walked into the girl I made out with. It was on from the start and we made out against a wall. I could'nt care less at that moment and I accepted that I just wanted to kiss and forget my petty self. I didn't pulled the girl home because I didn't really care after she went looking for her friends. I turned home on my bike and thought about what went good and what I should work on:

-first going out alone experience
-small piece of succes
-learned my biggest sticking points: lack of approuching and being to strict to myself
-no fear of closing

-start being mild to myself
-aprouch in the first 5 minutes and act on my first instinct (see a girl -> let's go!)
-always escalate out of the club

After I am going out alone for 4 more times, I will start daygaming. Long live the summer :-)
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Last Friday I went out with a friend of mine to a student party of my old flat. The guy is intermediate and I guess I am too, although I sometimes feel like a beginner embarrassed. My sticking point lately was that I got bored in set and fell out of things to say, well..... thanks to Alexanders latest post:


I totally got rid of that teeth!

before I went to the party I read my checklist. For me it's always good to remind myself that I have to get myself aroused by aproaching and that I have to get in that mindset as soon as possible. One major change this time was that I kept this sentence in my mind "because you are in self-development you have to adopt the girl". What I also changed was the believe that I could go back to the same set as many times as I wanted. I began aproaching every girl at the party with the believe that I walk the world with ease and that I have to adopt her.

My first approach on two girls near a window with a flower and an ashtray:
I walked to the two girls and asked me if they could watch my flower (wasn't mine). I said that it was a very hard time for him because he started to quit smoking (the girls were smoking) and that he had to be planted in an ashtray because I had no nicotine stickers around. I asked them to put out their sigarettes and that I didn't even know if the flower was a he or a she, so I asked the girls if they knew (hahaha opinion opener) -> they said they didn't knew. I emphasized with them by telling them it is a kind of a odd question and that you normally need a degree for it to answer it. I asked an other girl if she knew the difference. She replied that it doesn't matter-> plants are both. I didn't agree, told her it was clearly a she by the way the leaves of the plant were hanging (said it looked like a lady holding a purse during shopping: the flower was a little bit dried out). The girl laught at me and her laugh sounded funny so a made a compliment, told her I have a strange laugh too but that I will hide it for her, because I don't want to scare her away... (hahaha girl begging for my laugh, but I'm telling her that it has to be spontanious). We started talking about this and that, I began to get physical with her, hugging her telling her that I finally found somebody with a great laugh too. I know girls can be quite insecure about that so it's good to make a connection with that. A few minutes later she walkes away going after a girlfriend of her.....  but I learned to stay in set, so I just walked after her. She walkes in to her room which is also in the same building. She shows me her room, apologizing about the mess (good sign that I am high value) but then I see a picture of her and her boyfriend!?!?! Whahahaha, it's not the first time that thats happend during my RSD development! If you still think girls don't cheat..... But I am not going to fuck a girl which is already with a boyfriend, I just don't do that wink.  (finish later)
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