After last weekend, I realized that there are really 2 types of game. There is the type of game where you search for your emotional wavelength--that is, you attempt to break through your comfort zone by doing "challenges" (although, some PUA's might call them routines I call them challenges beause routines just don't work. Routines are dependant on her reaction--challenges is about YOU). The "other" type of game is about her emotions and adapting to that.
Your going to need both, I realized last time I was out. For example, me and my wing did an approach and succesffully bounced to a new location (although, probably WAAY to soon IMA) and ended up at a salsa club. So what happened is when we first got in the girls were all "where should we put our stuff". Like an idiot, I immediatley pulled one onto the dancefloor and danced with her for like 5 mins. but than the set got really bad and she left. What happened? As I went back to the group I realized that I simply was making moves WAY to early.
Of course, there are situations where everything I would have done WOULD have been the right move, but because I lacked emotional attunement to the situation at hand I ended up getting blown out. Bottom line: the game is about challenging yourself, sure. But it's also about emotional intelligence and connecting with other people. If you lack at least some amount of this, you are going to miss there wavelengt and just be to far outside of there reality for you to really be able to connect (and therefore sleep) with them.
What would have happened if I played into there reality and took on there emotions? Well, I woudl have been able to connect with them beter. However, this must be distiuguished from reacting to them. Reacting implies that your doing something retroactively against them. For instance, the girl calls you a dork and you overreact. Responsiveness implies that you are dealing with the situation at hand. You are playing the game. And to play the game, you have to play by the rules at least to some extent. Of course, "the rules" are going to change from minute to minute, and are somewhat impossible to predict. But as you play you learn. You learn the game.
So yes, while challenging ourselves is necessary especially in the combat of a chaotic place like a club, it is also necessary to act authentically and emphathetically with the people you are around. If you don't understand THERE reality, they will probably not understand yours. "Know your enemy and you will never lose. Know yourself and you will always win". By knowing yourself, you know your own reality and how to influence it. By knowing them, you know there reality and how to influence that.
You need to influence both. I think starting with your own reality is the way to go, and than like a captain steering a ship calibrate and be responsive in the moment after you have given yourself permission to act. RSD plays very heavy on the know yourself aspect, and that is arguably the most important aspect of the game. But it's also a numbers game. Emotional attunement is the "6th sense" of the game--it is having intuition and knowing why/how things are going. Focusing on this can kill your game (I.E knowing when your in a low state it will bring your state down more) and puts most people into zombie retard mode where they are being hanitual. But, you must still adapt to the consequences of your behavior so as to be a genuine person and not some kind of game robot.
Anyway, thats it just wanted to jot my thoughts down happy Saturday!
First weekend out in awhile, thought I would jot down the lessons.
Winging-NOT used to winging as I am much better solo. Did a street approach with Kris, let him open while I went into a store for a few minutes. Came back out, set was going good just him and the HB (9) but I ended up amogging him buy basically becoming the center of convo. I got a hug, but talked to Kris later and he said I wasn't a good support character. I probably should have just let him have the set since it was 1 girl or not even entered the set now that I think about it....although it would be kindof weird but 2 guys 1 girl seems just stupid now that I think about it.
One of my first sets that went really well was a 2 set. Funny thing....I was thinking in my mind "what are we gonna do tonight/ where to game on a sunday" NOT even thinking about gaming the chicks as I approached a moving 2 set...and asked them where this club was. TO MY SURPRISE IT OPENED EXTREMELY WELL. Wow. Weird. Ozzie said in a recent video "things happen but not on your time". I was not even focused on the girls just on how to get to the club and than what happens? It opens. Freedom from outcome or something---I ejected after that which was stupid but yeah.
We went to a salsa club, giant group of girls in the corner Kris approaches with no fear and the set is going amazingly--they are all "twitterpated" or something which is Kris's word for super attracted as we show them some dance moves but I eject like an idiot. We reopen them later but than attraction is an uphill battle from than on. Stupid.
Some other sets go ok, open a set in a coffee shop, dance with a girl, go for the kiss but you can see she is not into it. How do you get the kclose on the dancefloor? Not really sure...I was thinking being more obvious about it or something...waiting til bt is high...I think I just waited to long before going for it when the set staled out. Fucking a.
So, thats about it some lessons:
DON'T EJECT FROM SETS
LEVERAGE: Realize that cold approach is your DEFINING COMMITTMENT and treat it as such--like if you don't succeed you don't get paid and die or something. TURN PRO.
AUTHENTICITY: Be honest about your intention with the girl. Stop trying to hide the fact that you are trying to makeout with her. Shift from attraction. Isolate. Assume she already likes you. State problems all night because I was trying to "win" there affection but I should have just assumed it. Assume your friends already.
VALUE: I have value problems because I don't feel like I have any value to offer. I should just assume I have alot of value and that the girl already wants me. ASSUME ATTRACTION. Stop being so gamey. Authenticity--I should really state my intenstion, if I go for the kiss and don't get it fuck it. Just do it. I sometimes feel like I kind of know how my night is going to go beforehand.
STATE: Drawing state from within. I remember when I used to use alcohol/drugs for state it would make me feel like I had "permission" to go for makeouts, ect... buit thats just stupid. If you want to go for it go for it. STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT. BRing her into your world.
I think cold approach is especially difficult for INTJs (MBTI type). For one, talking to peopl drains the crap out of us even more than most introverts. This means that we can't build momentum as easily. Well, actually we can since social momentum is a universal phenomena. However, all the times I've done this I've felt alot like an ESFP--typological opposite. In short, picking up women individuates us because it forces us to utlyze our least conscious function--Se. Unfortunately, we're not very good at it and pickip will be a long journey. So, do all the stuff RSD says but here is soem unique advice just for INTJs:
DAY GAME IS YOUR STRENGTH
As an INTJ, people suck the life out of you and towards the end of the night, when everyone is pairing off, you will be drained. So, try doing daygame in a place your familiar (a place you frequent). That way, you will have alot of energy (especially before 11am for me at least). Doing approaches someplace you frequent will help you trick your mind since it will give you a little bit of state. I remember I got a number from a really hot chick in my class which was at--guess--8 AM. For some reason, I'm super energized in the morning but after a night out I'm completely drained.
TELL PEOPLE YOUR THOUGHTS
As an INTJ, you want people to hear your thoughts. So tell chicks your thoughts. Don't try to be someone your not. Tell her what your passion is--as an INTJ, you have a passion--and it will make her into it to. Just be yourself. That means tell her about your systems. I qualify chicks by asking them there MBTI type. It's fun for me because than I can figure out her type and how to interact with her. It's interesting for her as well.
So thats about it, experiment with daygame in places you are familiar, still go out at night but realize it will be harder for you. You might as well combine the best of both worlds--do daygame because you will be energeized, than do night game for the longer approaches.
Perhaps the most important lesson of the game is turning challenge into threat. You somehow have to trick your head into doing something it doesen't want to do. The answer; self amuse. Realize that whether or not the sitiuation "goes well" is subjective and that, techniquely speaking taking action should build your state (not there reactions).
One of the biggest lessons I learned over the summer was that as long as you look at a situation as a fun game rather than being a big deal. Remove outcome by removing threat; nothing you do is "right" or "wrong" and all rules are in your head and stupid. Just do it. For example, I was doing the hand of God opener in L.V and it didn't work the first couple of times. But instead of beating myself over the head, I made the mental shift to decide that what I was doing was ok and that it was all just a joke anyway.
Once I made that mental shift it built my state. Of course, it wasnt easy and took alot of willpower to reframe it but once I did I was good. Of course, you might wonder what happens when girls intentionally fuck with you. Congruence Tests is the second part of the natural instincts method and is eaqually as important. But, the secret is that not only can you self approve your actions but also your reactions, You choose how you react to a bitchy girl in a club. Sometimes, you might as well walk away (we know those sets--when you know you crossed the line and she bows you out) but most of the time, the situation is recoverable. If you just stick to your guns (I.E stick with who you are nd what your doing--don't back down. Than it is much better than if you don't.
I guess the point is that, you can memorize the best technique's and tactics--but without stable footing--grounding energy--you will fail no matter what you do. While it is certainly useful to have a "technique" or a system it will all fail if you are not mentally, emotionally, spiritualy, and physcially GROUNDED IN YOUR OWN ENERGY. If not, you have no stable ground to stand on an than anarchy, chaos, and general destruction occurs when girls give you shit. After all, no technique can work all the time but there is ALWAYS an oppurtunity to turn a bad situation around.
So, thought I would do just a straight idea type blog entry rather than a field report since my nights out lately have been the equivalent of getting your head pounded in by a hammer and than puking somewhere. At any rate, I won't be forgetting them anytime soon so might as well talk about something a bit cheerier, say...
Overcoming Approach Anxiety
Approach anxiety is caused by the misperception that the pain of approaching will be more than the pain of not approaching. False. What noobies fail to realize (that hopefully intermediate or advanced students do to some extent) is that the pain of not approaching is actually more than the pain of approaching. I know. Crazy right. However, since your brain hasn't really evolved much past tribal times it foolishly thinks the opposite. All we have to do is fix this problem and whala, you are now an approaching machine.
How how how?
Let's start with an example. One time I was going to school and I parked at a Burger King parking lot. I figured it would be ok there for an hour or so since my tutoring job was across the street and I only had about an hour where I would be gone. When I got back, my car was gone. I looked everywhere but I couldn't find it. What I did find, however, was a sign that read anyone parking here not going to Burger King would be towed.
Now in a state of anxiety I frantically called the number on the sign. They said that I had thirty minutes to get to my car which was parked six miles away or I would have to wait til tomorrow. Fine, except that I had a concert to be at in two hours. I was so nervous I approached a "two set" of a girl and a guy who, turns out, had also had there car towed. They offered to drive me there.
I was saved. What happened? I wasn't in pickup mode at all (which, by the way, they had a girl come pick them up who could have been single). What I was in was survival mode. A mode which told me the threat is not being able to get your car, idiot. Who cares about if these people "reject" you. Ever wonder why homeless people arn't very afraid of people? You guessed it. Survival mode. Approaching a hot chick doesen't seem so scary when you arn't sure if your going to get anything to eat. Indifference.
"By changing what we link pain and pleasure to, we can instantly change our behavior" --Tony Robbins
The trick, than, is to assume attraction of course. In Robbins lingo, basically change your perception of what an "approach" is. You can learn all the material, all the lines, all the techniques, and all the methods but the bottom line is: if you still think an approach (or more specifically, a rejection) is painful than your are in the wrong mindset and so will FAIL FAIL FAIL. Get it? No M3 method. No kino routine. NO PALM READING (please, no palm reading...). When you use a method as an excuse for taking action you are at least taking action, but when you take action and assume the worst you might as well have never bothered.
You are disqualifying the possible (a girl liking you),
Think of it this way: the pain of doing an approach is, in all honesty, only about a 2 or 3 even if you have some kind of social anxiety condition where it might actually harm you (or are in some kind of harsh environment where someone might actually hurt you or throw you out). What's the benefit to approaching a hot girl? ONLY BENEFIT. There is a permenant increase of 9 or 10 to your lifeworth to have a girlfriend.
Well, I have no idea if I'm getting any progress at this game thing but I've definitley made my nights more interesting. This weekend I tried to do daygame, but for some reason I just can't get the nerve to do it yet. Anyway, limiting belief as I think my lack of "normal" situation skills (daygame?) is holding me back from having longer sets where initial PG is unwarranted. In other words: I need to do daygame.
But I digress....I wen't to a battle of the bands this weekend and hit up a few chicks, not to hard or anything. Practicing my verbal game which was really solid that night---I would initiate, token resistance, continue to talk loudly about bullshit, and than get reangaged. At a smaller venue than what I'm used to which made it look alot easier and I should have stayed, but I left somewhat early like 10 ish.
Next night bigger venue loud. Got engaged by a chick while I was sitting while her friends proceeded to leave me with her (some gay kid and two girls? Guy looked like he was rolling...). Anyway, golden opurunity thrown away as I proceeded to bore the shit out of her and didn't lead her somewhere so I fucked that one up.
Oh and porch invasion. Thats right. I jumped on some random people's porch and started talking to this 35 year old guy and his bitches who were semi hot for older people. Throwing IOI's like crazy but after a cigarrete, a paps I decided to go back to the venue (nice folks though, real people unlike people you meet in clubs who put up fronts).
Opened (and got blown out pretty quickly) about 4 sets, even grinded with a girl for like 20 seconds but as the night wore on and the bass blasted my state fell and I resorted to dancing around witht eh other wankers. Good night. Good lessons.
The real highlight of my weekend was when I stopped at the gas station near my house and I saw a chick I used to go to highschool with. I considered opening and approaching but she happened to walk by me and I opened with the good old "do I know you?". We chatted a bit, she said something like "hopefully I'll see you around" and I got back in my car. I see her sitting on the curb and figure "why the fuck not?" and go out ask for the number. She gives it to me. Epic!
Anyway the real lessons this weekend were: draw state from within, stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you, have clearer goals walking into the club. This hippy guy told me that ying is energy and yang is matter. In other words, women are energy and men are matter. I tend to be to much like energy, not enouph like matter. In other words:I have alot of feminine energy which, I would say, is not a horrible thing to have and allows you to be emotionallly attune and puts you ahead of typical "pick up guy" who just bangs the guns. But learning how to bang the guns is what I need to learn now, and so next week I'm going to have clear goals (I.E approach 5 sets) challenge fear technology style.
Next week gonna see if I can get some text going with gas station chick and bang the guns, this time do some daygame.
I've decided to make Sunday my FR and blogging time, just such perfect timing since the rampage of the weekend is still fresh in my mind.
Tons of lessons this weekend--and this entire Summer so far really--I'm so excited to write them. The first is the idea of acting through your own intentions and how that idea has fractured by hypothetical reality skull. What I've noticed since getting into game and just recently reading War of Art, Mastery, the 4 Hour Workweek (highly recommend), and talking to one of my good friends about self help is I now notice all the subtle behaviors my friends/family put off in order to keep me acting consitent to what my past behaviors were.
For example, last night before I wen't out to celebrate with my friends they were saying things like "don't go crazy" or "don't yell" things that are similiar. When I was hitting on a girl one of my friends said "your acting to crazy, even the DJ thinks your acting crazy" ect... I've noticed this kind of stuff happens alot when I go out with them--it's usually about half the time they think I'm this big pimp (when I get success) but the other half they think I'm retarded or weird (when I fail). I've noticed it has a stifling influence on me because I'm very reactive to them as I percieve them to be higher value (usually how most my friendships are) and put them on a pedestal.
Now, at the time and even this morning I was getting really angry and started projecting all this negativity on them, thinking things like "these people arn't really my friends" ect... But, it's not really there fault. The real reason they react to me is 1) social conditioning 2) fear 3) I'm acting differently than when I usually am with them (generally, I'm very low on the totem pole in most of the groups I hang out with) and 4) my incongruence with most of the actions I'm taking (I'm in a beta-alpha transition phase).
This tends to fuck with my state, and I've noticed on the rare occasions I've gone out alone it's alot harder to hit state but it tends to be more consistant than when I go out with friends because although I am getting state from them they simply take it away sometimes by judging my actions, calling me crazy, being judgemental, ect... It sounds like I'm being a whiny little bitch and I am but it's not really there fault it's just the reality of most social situations with people if what you do is outside there reality it confuses them and makes them react. Unfortuanatley, my friends realities don't always gel with mine and it ends up being frame battles which I usually lose because even though I'm smarter than them they have stronger realities.
The point being every time I act from my own intentions it sparks a reaction (usually negative) from them, which is designed to get me to stop ACTING and start REACTING to them (I would assume by going back to congruence by acting beta). As Pressfield says, rejection is how the tribe enforces rules and yes, the did actually threaten when we were going out that they might "leave me downtown" if I acted to crazy. Fucking notzies.
Ok ok, I'm not trying to be negative here just making observations--again, it's not there fault as most people percieve this pickup stuff as bizarre and out there. More than anything, it's an art that goes against social conditioning and they just don't know how to react most of the time. So, some things I need to learn from this weekend which are surprising because they don't really have anything to do with outer game (my outer game has been improving and has platued right now to the point where I can usually grind on a girl and get makeouts everytime I go out but my sticking point is the length of my sets are abyssmal--generally only a few minutes).
In sum, I need to:
1) Act not react--choose my nights to go out, don't mix pickup time with friend time (multitasking=failure).
2) Act from my own intentions and let the chips fall where they may.
3) Be more of a leader--say no to my friends if they want me to do this or that, get them this or that, ect... Hard for me because I'm a very reactive person (I'm using "reactive" a bit differently than RSD uses it because I don't think it's always a negative thing to be reactive).
4) Don't let other people dictate my actions--including friends and family but also social conditioning. If they don't like my behavior, than they shouldn't hang out with me. That doesen't mean I shouldn't respect my old friends for who they are but simply don't go pimping with them if it's to far outside there reality.
5) Be more independant. I'm a naturally independant person but I end up depending on others more often than not. That leads to the low position on the totem pole in most of my groups--often I'm letting them decide what to do, following there lead. I've been a follower all my life but the shit needs to stop since I'm independant at my core.
Anyway, alot to think about while I gear up for next week. I'm gonna make a sweet game plan and follow it--fuck all this wingman/friends dependance I'm making it my goal this Summer to act from my own intentions and make new friends!
Final thoughts are that I need to start doing my own thang, not depending so much on others for my state ect... Oh yeah, I turned 23 two days ago and as I look back at my life I notice all the things I've done just because others were doing them, being to afraid to strike life out on my own always depending on friends and family. Now that I'm 23 I need to man the fuck up and start working towards my goals.
Last night was a good example of--lack of progress. OR...platuea?
A platea (just realizing I spelled it wrong in the title but to lazy to change...derp) is basically where it APPEARS like you are not making progress when you really are. Anyway last night I was able to grind on two girls, almost three but here friend stole her away. By the way Tyler that scaring the friends away doesen't always work! You fucked me over for life derp.... Just kidding. It's not your fault Tyler. Anyway I was gring with a perfect ten in a MINISKIRT (do you feel the emotional pain in my voice here???) and her friend stole her away after like 5 seconds. I tried the "your done in this town get the fuck out" but I guess befriending would have been better because it just made the target not like me.
Cool story bro.
So you, that's about it was grinding with a chick for 10 minutes tried to pull off the dancefloor but wouldn't go (any tips for a newbie?) actually got a makeout but it was lackluster. Why do girls dance with you but not make out with you? It makes no sense at all. Also, I don't know if I talked about this concept before but alot of my game revolves around what I call "state sniping". It's kind of the opposite of what RSDN teaches but whatever it works. Basically you find a girl in state and go for her. It's really good when your not in state because, hey, she's in state she will fuck anyone (ie I saw miniskirt girl grinding with some douchebag culminating in my conclusion that girl logic makes no sense whatsoever).
Bleh. So anyway the other thing I need to change is WHO I go out with I wen't out with one of my sisters friends who's basically a weed burnout and it brings me down alot, especially since I use high enerygy game. I feel like I can't really express myself fully and therefore my game kinda sucks. I feel like an elitist and I know it's just an excuse but I feel if you go out with people who take value and are felons (yes, he is a felon) than it's sort of hard to express yourself fully.
So,,,,thats about it gonna hit up the mall today for light daygame.
So, wen't to hang out with these two girls house that my friend was with.
The night was a disaster. A horrifying, horrifying disaster. I'm still recovering. It kind of reminds me of when I said "I hate you" to this girl when I was 8 and felt bad about it. The whole thing was so fucked up. So here's how it wen't down. Doing light flirting with this girl all night, a bit of touching in the hot tub, but than I take it a bit to far and she makes this girl call that must have subcommunicated "I'm being raped" or something and they huddle together (before this my buddy had isolated her).
Bullshit. One of the things I hate MOST about warm approach (meeting girls in your social cirlce) is that you have one girl, and you have all this pressure and I always fuck up. Going out is so much better because at least you don't have to feel so bad about fucking up.
To get good with the one girl you must get good with all girls.
I kind of see my communications with girls in my social circle as a kind of joke or something compared to my actual results I've gotten infield. Even girls I've slept with in my social circle I feel like I didn't really do anything and what really happened is my friend just kind of threw her to me or something.
Anyway, out of state towards the end of the night (the worst fucking time to be out of state) and everything wen't to hell let's just say. Seems like my social circle and to some degree my family is just holding me back pretty much from the life I want to live. At least when I fuckup in field I still build state; in my social circle it just makes me feel like an asshole who's brainwashed with pickup tactics and can't be a normal human being.
Which brings me to the main point of this article: I'm NOT a "normal" (whatever that means) human being. But I digress...
Had a great night gaming at this festival by my house last night. Lots of ladies, ect... Learned some valuable lessons.
One of them being the paradigm shift between self amusement as a "technique".
So first, what is self amusement?
Self amusemnt is when what you do is of primary importance to you, as opposed to what the girl does. It's when you do things JUST TO DO THEM, rather than to get a reaction in other people. Paradoxically, when you do not try for rapport with people they tend to react to you more. The point, again, isn't there reaction but WHY your doing what your doing. Are you picking the girl up and spinning her because you WANT to do that? Or are you trying your new "technique" to try and solicit a reaction? It's not WHAT your doing it's HOW your doing it.
Self amusement seems like it get's turned into the latter--it becomes a trick, a tactic to get the girl. Now instead of doing Styles ring finger technique or whatever stupid shit we are doing our self-amusement technique. Very dancing monkey.
For example, I decided to use the opener "who do you like more, Mario or Sonic?". Seemed cool. Seemed self amusing. But it didn't work, and I kept thinking "why? This line is pure self amusement. I like videogames ect..." But, when I got to thinking about it why was I saying this? Was I saying it because I WANTED to say it? Or was I simple substituing self amusement for some other routine?
Hence, why it didn't work. The problem being she blew me off. Why? Well, first as a sort of litmus test for self amusement you should think "if every girl rejected me and I did this would it still amuse me?" The answer for my line was: NO. I was using it as a trick--to attempt to elicit a reaction.
I'll say it again. Are you doing what your doing because YOU want to? There are no tricks in game that actually work. The tricks work because YOU like them, not because SHE likes them (squirrel tree metaphor). You pull her into your world. That being said, you don't need to go out and force yourself to act the same way around chicks as your guy friends, simply because acting like you would around girls as you do around guys is probably not very amusing to you. The question becomes:
What do I want?
What do I want from this interaction? Time and time again it seems if your not ACTING FROM YOUR OWN INTENTIONS, no matter WHAT you do it will not work. Whether or not you think that a line is "self amusing" or not--again, litmus test. Would you still use the line if she rejected you? Would it still pump your state? That's the ultimate goal is YOUR state, not the girls. Fuck that.
So, in conclusion I just want to say make sure your not substituting self amusement for a technique like I did by coming up with some clever line you think is self amusing. Think about if what your doing is actually amusing you, outside the girls reactions, and than come in alignment with that. Also, realize there are certain "rules" of the game that you need to follow, and that there are some (very few) limits on what you can do and what you can't do. Understand the basic structure of the game--leading, escalation, isolation--and than do whatever you wan't. The focus, again, should be YOU amusing yourself, having a good time, and than pulling the girls INTO that.