Why don’t they like me? What am I doing wrong? Is there a way for them to all like me all the time?

Validation as fuel





Who hasn’t felt validated by a hot girl? It is the ultimate form of validation for a man, a man with low self esteem, that is. Does it mean validation is wrong? If so, what makes it wrong?

For some, this game is not even about sex with beautiful women after all you can pay for sex. This game is about validation it all its forms including props from significant people not only girls. I remember when I first started, I approached in front of co-workers in company dinners. I wanted validation from the women in my office. I used to like some of them. I wanted to impress my co-workers into thinking I was good with women. I also did it in front of personal friends for the same reasons. I posted long lay reports on the internet which revealed me as a pickup superhero of sorts. I used to crave validation. That’s how low my self esteem was. Coincidentally people in the game had the same problem except for a few exceptions.

You could say that my validation seeking ways landed me girls and I over achieved that way. That’s one way to look at it. However, it still was validation seeking. I was seduced by the dark side of the force. Really geeky stuff.

Life as a geek

Until I found Pickup life had been geeky, you know star wars, all kinds of sci fi movies and so on. The only thing that was not geeky was my passion for baseball. I silently craved playing the game during the week until the weekend arrived. I had a true passion for baseball (I played organized baseball for 8 years) until I became good at it and started to crave validation from it.

(My last team(green jerseys) playing in Barcelona)



As I got better at baseball (I used to train harder than the other guys) I started to crave perfection from it. I became a baseball nut. I had to perform better than anybody else. As my team moved up in the levels of competition, I became more and more dependent on baseball for validation. I practiced more, I had to go to gym for lifting, and I became more and more invested into validation: more was demanded of my performance- I was measured up against way tougher pitchers, games, ball parks.

If the coach didn’t start me on a particular game, it became a drama for me. My life became chaotic at baseball too. Let me tell you this, you don’t know how hard it is to go from being amateur to pro or semi-pro level. The game changes like night and day. Your team changes when they start getting money. They start to hire real professionals and since they start to pay for travel, hotels and food, and player salaries they demand results… and you have to compete for a starting spot. Once the team moves up in the level of play, survival of the team is more important than particular players. You become another screw in the wheel. The game that once was about fun becomes a business and you are in the middle of it. Competition inside the ranks becomes fierce. Validation from outside becomes a real problem, a drama. People start sucking up to the coach to get more play time. Players start tripping each other. Groups of players stick together, survivor style for support. It becomes office politics all over again. Either you adapt or you quit.

In the pickup game it became the same thing. If I didn’t get laid on a particular night, it became a drama for me. How come? I should get laid. I had taken two bootcamps with the best people in the business at the time and I demanded results. If a particular hot girl didn’t like me, it became a drama. What’s wrong with my game?

Is there anything wrong?

Validation seeking was wrong. But it was too strong for me to let it go. I became seduced with validation from outside sources as explained above. I still do. I am a huge validation whore. I still crave praise. The difference today is that I am very aware of it. I am slowly disengaging that part of my life. It is hard though. I am getting used to being alone in front of others. I have become less concern with students’ validation and more concern with my program’s constant improvement as a whole. I have started saying things like “You, guys, probably won’t like me this weekend and that’s ok”, and mean it.



I am convinced that since my program is in a constant state of flux it hits plateaus every once in a while where nothing seems to be happening; but if I just wait and become patient about it, I will hit a new high in quality- the program will leap in awesomeness (Kungfu panda pun intended, that shit is everywhere, Matt talks about how awesome he is all the time. Dude, chillax. You are just being gregarious!).

I am getting in the habit of listening to my own voice inside my head, my intuition, the sound of my deeper self which doesn’t depend on validation. It is an educational process. You must learn this skill.

The chaos of validation seeking

Insanity is defined by doing the same over and over expecting a different result. This is how guys go after female validation. It is like a dog chasing its tail. He is never going to fully get it.

You could say, “What’s wrong with praise from a beautiful girl or your friends?” Nothing, I say. There is fine line between validation seeking and praise. It is like a drug. Once you taste it, you want more of it. You must disengage. I have seen guys on a scary high just because a hottie validated them. They seem to get out of control with the drug. They get high on validation. On the flip side, they go super low when on they fail to get any validation at all. The resulting emotional chaos, makes them quit or lose motivation to go out. Perfectionism (expecting emotional highs all the time) creeps in and they become paralyzed. They become frozen in their learning curve. Perfectionism stalls forward movement in any skill learning activity.



Actually your success in the game has nothing to do with validation but with meticulous execution of a personalized game plan. You can get all the validation on any given night but fail to get laid. Then again, most are in it for the validation so they get what they want. However, it doesn’t obscure that fact that is a giant waste of time. You might as well invest your time in some other more fruitful endeavor than validation from women.

The chaos of club life

Life in the field becomes chaotic for validation seekers. Girls will like you or they won’t, but you must put your eggs in another basket. You can’t disengage from validation while validation seeking. You can’t quit drugs while taking drugs. That’s why guys fail. Validation is like a drug and like any other drug addict who wants to quit you need to shift your focus, AWAY from the drug.

Many guys choose day game over club environment. The argument is usually the same: clubs are chaotic, loud music, crazy girls and so on, loud music, crazy girls and so on. However they chase after validation in day time too which makes their lives chaotic during the day.

Peace of mind is not freedom from chaos but piece amid chaos. Approaching is chaotic due to validation seeking. You don’t want to stop chaos from coming into your life but what you really need to do is to find centering, piece of mind and serenity in the midst of chaos. Life is chaotic. The club can be chaotic but you can become centered by not validation seeking all the time in the middle of it.

Here is a list of things far more important than validation from girls:

1. Surviving your night of approaching women without getting discouraged

2. Getting laid (you can get laid with her despite the girl not approving of you; actually it is a common occurrence  in the game)

3. Enduring rejection

4. Executing your plan of action for the night

5. Simply approaching

6. Overcoming personal limitations

7. Exposing yourself to your fears of being rejected

8. Hitting your pre-planned number of sets per month.

……
Can you think of more…?

I can think of one hundred things not related to validation from women that are far more crucial in your long term success in this game.