Ozzie's Blog

Ozzie
 
Nobody is grading you! But still you are grading yourself. And hard!

Do you go out to practice meeting women or to practice perfectionism when meeting women?

As high as 60 percent of my Boot camp students are perfectionist types. So, there is a fat chance if you are reading this, you are one!

What does it mean to be a perfectionist? The number one fallacy of a perfectionist is believing, all the way down to his core, there is a “right” way to do things. He is convinced that if he can tap into that “righteousness” he would always succeed. As you can see there is no room for “trying and failing.” That’s why perfectionists have a short fuse.

They become frustrated quicker than the average guy when things are not going his way.

How can I make it better? Or how can I make it perfect so I can succeed every time and not waste my precious energy?

A perfectionist lives by the latter. They spend entire lives looking for the magic formula that would bring mistrials to zero. It reveals their anxiety about performance. They can’t tolerate bad performances. At an emotional level, they have decided mistakes are bad and a waste of time.

Really? Are mistakes all that bad?



A perfectionist has developed a fear, or rather a phobia of failure. Mistakes equal failure to perform. He must improve. Rigidity subs flexibility. The bow breaks because it is too hard and can’t bend. Rigidity can lead to further and more painful failure. It can lead to cracking. When you crack in this game you stop approaching girls.

You don’t see the point of trying to meet a girl when you will never achieve the perfect approach.

High or insane standards for performance and paralysis

With a perfectionist, standards for a good performance are so high that a perfectionist can never win. The game is rigged so you are always in misery. Even when you get the girl, you start questioning your very success by using self-critical statements like “she is not that hot,” “I got lucky because her friends left me alone with her”, “She is desperate for a boyfriend” and so on.

No success can quench the thirst of the black hole of inner negativity. Self-rejection becomes the norm rather than the exception.

One thing I have learned coaching perfectionist types is that you can’t win with them. No such a thing as happy ending with them. There is always a “but.” So I gave up trying to live up to their high standards and started negotiating standards with them. As a result, fearing failure every time, they paralyse and stop trying.

An idea

On Boot camp, one thing I came up with to solve the perfectionist issue with guys was to negotiate goals outside performance. Remember that immaculate performance was their primary focus. So instead I started to give them goals outside performance. And voala! Performance started to improve. One thing about performance is that the more you focus on it, the worst it becomes. So by steering a perfectionist’s attention outside performance they start to relax which in turn helps performance! Kind of like a catch 22 in a roundabout way. This is why advanced guys in the art of meeting women refuse to discuss “game” when they are in a club or in the process of approaching women. You hear them say things like, “The less I think about it, the better.” This is another reason why they resent newbies trying to get “dating secrets” out of them because deep inside they know there are no shortcuts. That there is growth process that needs to happen first prior to success.

Goals

Perfectionists are goal/results driven. The problem is always the same: they want their goals reached yesterday.

So I started to negotiate goals with them. I force them to delay evaluation and put it off until a certain deadline was agreed upon. That seemed to work.



I teach them to defer evaluation of their performance until deadline time comes. So, that way, they don’t have to focus on performance for the duration, which would kill performance to start with. So I guarantee a worry-free head and zero anxiety during the accomplishment of the goals themselves.

Some simple solutions work for the perfectionists because I found that their perfectionism has such silver linings like driven, super-focused, hard working and so on. So being a perfectionist, it is not that bad after all. Most over achievers in the world are perfectionist types. James Cameron, a quasi-successful Hollywood director for one is a perfectionist type, drives everybody crazy around him with his obsessive attention to detail – on occasions during filming Alien II, frustrated with the “under- performance” of special effects puppeteers and to the astonishment of his filming crew he did the job of the puppeteers himself. But you wouldn’t mind having the success of a James Cameron. Being a perfectionist is not a curse, but it is all about not letting your perfectionism interfere with your performance and your motivation.

Christmas metaphor

Achieving goals is a lot like Christmas. It is a joyful and exciting day that goes by all too fast. We rarely have time to taste it because it is just one day. However, it is all about the preparation, the buying of the gifts, the family expectations of being together, all the anticipation that makes it special. Not the day itself.

Achieving goals feels like a letdown once you get them. Because it is all about the preparation, research, ups and downs, self-corrections that lead to the successful completion of goals. It is about the journey. It is up to you, as a perfectionist, to miss all the fun of getting your goals, all the growth process that awaits you and the positive personal rewards you get out of it. The more you grow, the easier it becomes to go after goals and the bigger they get! Having known all the fun involved in meeting goals, you set up more challenging goals for yourself so you can duplicate the enjoyment of the ride.

Transient emotions

Both happiness and sadness come and go so it is wise not to exacerbate the meaning of one or the other. Keep them in check. Those moments of perfect adaptation to the environment of the club or full on fulfilment of your needs, be them sexual or performance wise with women, are only briefly experienced. When people find the missing piece in their lives or jump with joy because they found the cure for cancer, they feel blissfully and one with the universe, but such experiences don’t last. Your brain would explode if you were on blissful state for long periods of time. Everything must pass. It is the journey that counts. If you look at professional football, the championship teams struggle all season to stay on top to conquer their trophy –their goal- at the last day of the season. Celebrations go on for a day or so and they are back to work after a couple of days. Business as usual. We spend more time on “business as usual” than on blissful states. So why put so much stock on them?
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#1
Calavera

Calavera

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Join Date: 08/02/2007 | Posts: 719

 WOW! Write more ozzie please. Christmas metaphor is killer.. written SO WELL, and conscise. 

Calavera
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#2
Maleko

Maleko

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Join Date: 07/20/2007 | Posts: 258

Very refreshing article Ozzie. You're right It's all about the journey and business as usual afterwards. I always focus on the rewards of pleasure and bliss but in the end it's the business as usual part that gives me the most joy.
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#3
KMR

KMR

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 very enlightening 
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#4
Connor

Connor

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Great article. It might be my imagination but it seems like this is just what I needed to hear at this moment.

Really like your articles - very straight forward and easy to understand.
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#5

J-star

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Join Date: 09/18/2010 | Posts: 100

Your english is quite good!
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#6

Jaffar

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Lots of value n nicely written.
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#7
Blom10

Blom10

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Join Date: 03/27/2010 | Posts: 292

 Cool article, definitely some applicable points.. I guess it's the same principle Tyler talks about when saying that your only goal in field should be to approach.. lowering the standards for success to build momentum.. 
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#8
Ozzie

Ozzie

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J-star wrote:
Your english is quite good!

Yeah. I feel the same way about you.
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#9
Maha

Maha

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Join Date: 12/22/2009 | Posts: 225

motivational boost
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#10
Deft

Deft

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Nice Ozzie, really liked this one.
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#11
Jonathan Browne

Jonathan Browne

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Join Date: 03/09/2011 | Posts: 153

Um, not to be a perfectionist ;-)

but you should prob. learn the meaning of the word quasi. It means seemingly or having some resemblance to.

If James Cameron is a quasi succesful director than Alexander the Great was a quasi succesful conquestor.

James Cameron created both of the highest grossing films of all time. The previously highest grossing film was Titanic. The currently highest grossing film ever is Avatar.

I think this example proves the advantages of being a perfectionists more than the disadvantages. Of course, their can be some disadvantages. Like claiming your a "perfectionist" when in reality your actually just coming up with a complete bs excuse for not taking action. Basically, these type of men that are claiming they can't do it because they are perfectionists are really just being pussies, not perfectionists.

The obvious solution is to realize that perfection takes time to realize. The perfect process toward perfection will by neccessity include failures, since it's impossible to know what perfection will look like until it's realized.  The perfect way to fail would be to throw caution to the wind and goes balls out and see what happens than observe what happens and adjust your approach.

A true perfectionist would realize that the perfect way to create something perfect is to stop the bs excuses and observe the absolute neccessity of failure on the way to perfection. Even a "perfect man" would have to make mistakes, by neccessity, unless he also has knowledge of everything in the past, present and the unlimited future.
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#12
Silky-

Silky-

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Join Date: 05/11/2009 | Posts: 153

 Really interesting post!
I used to trow all hell at 'being in a bad state' Nlp, pheromones, sugary donuts. The entire thing because I shouldn't be... doing bad. Im a perfectionist for sure:P. Allthough now I just put in the time and evaluate afterwards (at the deadline I set and after sarging) and that works great for me as a perfectionist.

Silky-
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#13
jonjonwhii

jonjonwhii

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Join Date: 02/28/2011 | Posts: 73

 That was highly condescending ha 
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#14
nestea

nestea

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 jeez a lot of that sounds like me. 

thanks for the great article
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#15
timmilicious

timmilicious

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Join Date: 07/12/2009 | Posts: 271

 very nice write-up ozzie. That fits so well on me! ;D
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#16
stianosaurus

stianosaurus

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Being a perfectionist is a massive paradox in itself, because there is no such thing as perfection. If you look close enough at any object or process that appears perfect, you will find that it isn't perfect at all. A pool ball is not perfectly round in its shape, it's actually full of small holes etc.

One thing I've learned from fiction writing is that you shouldn't let perfection get in the way of your story. Even though your story structure does not fit what you percieve as the perfect, you shouldn't delay working on it or tweak it until it's "just right" before you start. It will never be "just right", but through writing the plot synopsis first, then following up your work with multiple drafts, the story will shape itself.

The process is the same for gaining skill, whether you're writing stories, playing football or hitting up girls. Skill comes from constantly trying to improve, and doing it. The problem with any subject that you're learning, is that it can all turn into mental masturbation. Someone who aspires to become a great football player doesn't get good by sitting inside and reading books upon books upon books, and watching matches upon matches upon matches. A good football player reads the books, watches the matches and then goes out to practice what he's learned. Getting close to perfection without going through the motions (taking action) is impossible.

Perfection is merely a concept, and there has not yet been found a single item or shape in the universe that is perfect in any way, shape or form. Perfection is an ideal to strive for, not a goal in itself. In fact, perfection as a process is actually a personal opinion we make up in our minds so it can not exist in physics. Thus, perfection is bullshit.

With that said, I have a lot of "perfectionistic" traits and spent lots of time editing this post before I clicked post comment.
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#17
UtopiaFive

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Good stuff -- this is me a lot of the time.  
Ozzie wrote:
Even when you get the girl, you start questioning your very success by using self-critical statements like “she is not that hot,” “I got lucky because her friends left me alone with her”, “She is desperate for a boyfriend” and so on.
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#18
Jonathan Browne

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There's no such thing as  true absolutes, but there is such a thing a thing as perfection as defineded subjectively.

If you do something truly excellent you have every right to deem it perfect. Other people may disagree, but that doesn't mean that what you've created isn't perfect.

Shakespeare may have created some perfect plays. I mean, perhaps I don't like personally, something he might say, but does that mean the play would be better if it was changed?

I think it's a valid point that so called perfectionists need to be called out, but in reality the strongest tactic I think is to shatter their delusion that they are perfectionist. If they are actually perfectionists, let them name one thing they have done that they consider perfect.

I think they are more "incompletists" than perfectionists.

They think that nothing they ever do is good enough, and they don't test new ideas because they feel they always feel they are incomplete.

Let's say I make a videogame. It's got a certain amount of features, it's got a great sized world that feels like just the right length. It plays beatuifully, has no bugs or gameplay defects and when players finish the game they think "that was perfect".

As it is, it's perfect. But does that mean I can't release an expansion pack or sequal that adds features and new levels? Does that somehow invalidate the perfection of the original?
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#19

AttyBoOO

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" [=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, 'Bitstream Vera Sans', sans-serif]We spend more time on “business as usual” than on blissful states. So why put so much stock on them?"

Love it

[/]
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#20
Ozzie

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Jonathan Browne wrote:
Um, not to be a perfectionist ;-)

but you should prob. learn the meaning of the word quasi. It means seemingly or having some resemblance to.

If James Cameron is a quasi succesful director than Alexander the Great was a quasi succesful conquestor.

James Cameron created both of the highest grossing films of all time. The previously highest grossing film was Titanic. The currently highest grossing film ever is Avatar."

















Dear Jonathan

word quasi also means "condition, premise, stipulation, sine qua non " in Thesaurus infinite wisdom. And yes, you are a geek. Lol.
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#21
Ozzie

Ozzie

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Matt. wrote:
 
Jonathan Browne wrote:

I think this example proves the advantages of being a perfectionists more than the disadvantages. Of course, their can be some disadvantages. Like claiming your a "perfectionist" when in reality your actually just coming up with a complete bs excuse for not taking action. Basically, these type of men that are claiming they can't do it because they are perfectionists are really just being pussies, not perfectionists.

The obvious solution is to realize that perfection takes time to realize. The perfect process toward perfection will by neccessity include failures, since it's impossible to know what perfection will look like until it's realized. The perfect way to fail would be to throw caution to the wind and goes balls out and see what happens than observe what happens and adjust your approach.


A true perfectionist would realize that the perfect way to create something perfect is to stop the bs excuses and observe the absolute neccessity of failure on the way to perfection. Even a "perfect man" would have to make mistakes, by neccessity, unless he also has knowledge of everything in the past, present and the unlimited future.


Heh, you're obviously not a perfectionist. Perfectionism is incredibly complicated and many perfectionists have a deep rooted belief that they must do things perfectly, and will be blinded by stubborness to accept your proposed 'solution'.

Perfectionists don't want to accept change, because they believe that there is a perfect formula for success. They are unwilling to accept any other idea or approach, because it is their perfectionism which states there is only one way. All that 'mistakes' reinforce, is that they are not doing things perfectly, and this either dissuades them from trying again or continuing in the vicious cycle seeking perfectionism. 

Perfectionism is an identity that people hold close to them. They don't want to let go of it because it reinforces who they are. But as Ozzie points out, perfectionism isn't necessarily a bad thing - most perfectionists tend to be over achievers and prepared to keep pushing even when they're not seeing that perfectionism. However, the point of this article for me at least, is not to focus on perfectionism itself, but rather that perfectionists should establish benchmarks or goals that fall outside of  what they're actually trying to achieve. So rather than "I must make out with every girl I approach", it should be "I will attempt to hold a conversation for 2 minutes and anything else I get is a bonus." This allows them to continue to operate outside the confines of a reward-based game where you only feel validation when you see that success, which is near on impossible when you're seeking perfectionism! However, many perfectionists are not going to be willing to even accept the opposite of perfectionism or to accept that there must be failure to in order to achieve this.

The point that struck me the strongest is this bit:

Ozzie wrote:

If you look at professional football, the championship teams struggle all season to stay on top to conquer their trophy –their goal- at the last day of the season. Celebrations go on for a day or so and they are back to work after a couple of days. Business as usual. We spend more time on “business as usual” than on blissful states. So why put so much stock on them?


Perfectionists should focus more of their time and energy on the 'business as usual' stuff and less time focused and concerned about the 'blissful states' that we crave, because as a paradox, the less time we spend focused on the 'blissful states' the more time we find ourselves in it.

--
Great article dude. A few of my frustrations of recent weeks are heavily tied up in this. It seems just when I think I'm getting over my perfectionism it comes back like a nasty smell when I least suspect it!


Forget it , donnie, you are out of ...
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#22
Ozzie

Ozzie

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Matt. wrote:
 
Jonathan Browne wrote:

I think this example proves the advantages of being a perfectionists more than the disadvantages. Of course, their can be some disadvantages. Like claiming your a "perfectionist" when in reality your actually just coming up with a complete bs excuse for not taking action. Basically, these type of men that are claiming they can't do it because they are perfectionists are really just being pussies, not perfectionists.

The obvious solution is to realize that perfection takes time to realize. The perfect process toward perfection will by neccessity include failures, since it's impossible to know what perfection will look like until it's realized. The perfect way to fail would be to throw caution to the wind and goes balls out and see what happens than observe what happens and adjust your approach.


A true perfectionist would realize that the perfect way to create something perfect is to stop the bs excuses and observe the absolute neccessity of failure on the way to perfection. Even a "perfect man" would have to make mistakes, by neccessity, unless he also has knowledge of everything in the past, present and the unlimited future.


Heh, you're obviously not a perfectionist. Perfectionism is incredibly complicated and many perfectionists have a deep rooted belief that they must do things perfectly, and will be blinded by stubborness to accept your proposed 'solution'.

Perfectionists don't want to accept change, because they believe that there is a perfect formula for success. They are unwilling to accept any other idea or approach, because it is their perfectionism which states there is only one way. All that 'mistakes' reinforce, is that they are not doing things perfectly, and this either dissuades them from trying again or continuing in the vicious cycle seeking perfectionism. 

Perfectionism is an identity that people hold close to them. They don't want to let go of it because it reinforces who they are. But as Ozzie points out, perfectionism isn't necessarily a bad thing - most perfectionists tend to be over achievers and prepared to keep pushing even when they're not seeing that perfectionism. However, the point of this article for me at least, is not to focus on perfectionism itself, but rather that perfectionists should establish benchmarks or goals that fall outside of  what they're actually trying to achieve. So rather than "I must make out with every girl I approach", it should be "I will attempt to hold a conversation for 2 minutes and anything else I get is a bonus." This allows them to continue to operate outside the confines of a reward-based game where you only feel validation when you see that success, which is near on impossible when you're seeking perfectionism! However, many perfectionists are not going to be willing to even accept the opposite of perfectionism or to accept that there must be failure to in order to achieve this.

The point that struck me the strongest is this bit:

Ozzie wrote:

If you look at professional football, the championship teams struggle all season to stay on top to conquer their trophy –their goal- at the last day of the season. Celebrations go on for a day or so and they are back to work after a couple of days. Business as usual. We spend more time on “business as usual” than on blissful states. So why put so much stock on them?


Perfectionists should focus more of their time and energy on the 'business as usual' stuff and less time focused and concerned about the 'blissful states' that we crave, because as a paradox, the less time we spend focused on the 'blissful states' the more time we find ourselves in it.

--
Great article dude. A few of my frustrations of recent weeks are heavily tied up in this. It seems just when I think I'm getting over my perfectionism it comes back like a nasty smell when I least suspect it!


Forget it , donnie, you are out of ...
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#23

subx

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Join Date: 09/18/2008 | Posts: 1248

Ozzie wrote:

Matt. wrote:



Forget it , donnie, you are out of ...
shut the fuck up donnie...

thanks for this post man
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#24

vignesh120

Junior Member

Join Date: 09/08/2010 | Posts: 9

Thinking tat u're perfect is just a state of mind .. many people avoid getin in to their courageous zone just becouse they belive that something inside them is missing ... and all they do is put pressure on themself to avoid any situation where they will be exposed

-its all about building high self respect .. trusting on u're self
-and believing that you can handle any situation and u'll be ok and alive after that 


 
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#25
my name is Robert Paulson

my name is Robe...

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Join Date: 07/13/2009 | Posts: 23

best article so far. totally resonates

thanx man 
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#26

CHEPUT

Junior Member

Join Date: 10/17/2010 | Posts: 14

Yeah you are wright Ozzie. I realy like how RSD is focusing on thosu eastern philosophies for back up, and modern peoplle are rediscovering them again, now with science telling they are accurate.

So to say something about the last pharagraph of the Ozzie's post there is saying in Tao: "The mud in the wellspring is cleared by stilness. But who can stay sill forever?"
So the idea is that you can't stay "still"(happy, consious, or what ever)  forever. This is imposible ( I think), you have to be happy with what you have. :)


Sorry for my english I'm not used to right often.
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#27

Vibe9

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Join Date: 10/26/2008 | Posts: 39

That sounds like me in a nutshell when i first started.  Great article Ozz
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#28
adjunkie

adjunkie

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thanks for putting this up Ozzie
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#29
Ozzie

Ozzie

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Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 2529

Matt. wrote:
 w61ZNLZ8L0Q[/youtube]

ohhhh, the goat....
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#30

Jaguar23

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 Cool article
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#31

aurelius

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Join Date: 12/21/2008 | Posts: 281

Good article Ozzie. Made sense to me on so many levels.

I think that it's self-defeating to base your self-esteem completely on results and external validation. I used to be negative on the inside, so no matter how many makes outs or validation from girls that I got -- which I thought would make me happy -- I wasn't satisfied. I always wanted more and more.

I think the solution is -- like you said -- enjoy the journey, the ups and downs together. For the journey IS the destination. Reality unfolds in front of you, and you just have to embrace all the pleasure and pain of the experience with an open heart.
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#32
OutofBacon!

OutofBacon!

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 Test.
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#33

Waginator

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Join Date: 02/10/2011 | Posts: 272

Keep Pushing until you get the girl.
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#34

Dylan.Goes.Electric

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Join Date: 01/23/2012 | Posts: 25

Very helpful, not just for game but for all aspects of my life.  I'm an unrepenting perfectionist because I love those "silver linings", but I know that true perfection is ultimately unattainable.  However that doesn't mean it's not worth striving for.  Aim high.  And as Oz says, enjoy the process of all that striving as it's making you a better person.
 
Gonna have to come back to this one and re-read a couple times.
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#35
Uncle Pancakes

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Join Date: 02/23/2012 | Posts: 78

I actually think that this "need for perfection" is the outward manifestation of a deeper problem.  I was once a so-called perfectionist. I was a virgin at the time, and I had stumbled upon RSD. The few times that I had gone out, I realized what they were talking about was 100% real. So I studied. And studied. And studied.
I studied RSD concepts until it was literally the only thing I would spend my time doing (massively chode I know).
I didn't go out, only studied.
At this point, I was a huge perfectionist.
Then one day I decided to go out, under the impression that all this RSD stuff would propel my game to ultimate levels. I would be beasting like a fucking animal and babes would love me. I had all my openers ready and my logistical tactics dialed.
Then I got to the club.
To say that I failed would be an understatement. I tried to feign badassery, but no one even cared. I approached two sets. Both were huge blowouts, the girls looked at me like I was physically deformed.
I beat myself up tremendously.
Needless to say, this process repeated itself for several months.

fast forward a year.

I realize now that perfectionism was not the problem. Ozzie actually talks about it in one of his mastermind programs, but the real issue was that I felt unworthy for success. I was using this perfectionism to hide the fact that I did not think that my true self was worthy of "superfly bitches," as they say in contemporary hip hop culture.

Anyways, thats what I think perfectionism really is - a cover for unworthiness. Or maybe that's just what it was in my case.
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