Ozzie's Blog

Ozzie
 
As a top fear in my live programs students fear being thrown into awkwardness in front of strangers. They conjure up that it will have catastrophic consequences on them. They fear they will act in a way that will be humiliating to themselves or do something that would reveal to the world how uncomfortable they are inside.

“Donny, you are out of your element.” (Walter, “The Big Lebowski”)



The value of embarrassment


Nothing will guarantee your safety against the odd rejection if you try and meet women everywhere you are. Social awkwardness will continue to ride you no matter what. At certain moments, you will be unable to think of anything interesting to say and your crowd will go to sleep right there in front of you. Embarrassment and awkwardness will continue but its meaning can change to you. The more you confront social awkwardness and face it dead-on, the more it will lose its grip on you. It will feel neither dangerous nor threatening. It will have less of an impact on your levels of self-esteem; you won’t depend so much on others to validate you and you will become internally validated. You won’t stop being yourself despite your embarrassments and mistakes.

Socially awkward moments, through repetition, will feel like making day-to-day mistakes like forgetting to buy milk at the supermarket or leaving your ID at home and so on. They won’t feel dramatic at all.

Changing behaviours through changing meaning

Through social experimentation, you can change behaviours that affect you today. Behaviours only change when we attach a different meaning to social mistakes. Through social "faux pas" repetition you re-evaluate social threats and dangers so they come to have a different meaning to you.

For example, you tried to gain physical chemistry with a girl by hugging her. However, she rejected your hug but still kept on talking to you. You experimented with her and you learned a new lesson. You learned that hugging can still be safe with women even if they reject the hug the first time. Suddenly, you feel hugging women is not entirely a threat. It can be done with minor social cost. As a consequence you do more hugs to the women you interact with because you feel safe. You changed behaviour by attaching new meaning to it. So, now 7 women out of 10 take your hugs. Not a bad ratio to work with.

Developing new scripts

All of a sudden you discover the map is not the territory. Furthermore, you discover the map cannot contain the territory. It is virtually impossible because of all the nuances and limitless possibilities within social interactions. Even rejection doesn’t mean you are rejected. It may only be temporary.

Map Is Not the Territory

When you can get away with a lot more than you thought, you become bolder. You become more of a risk-taker. You start getting the rewards that accompany risk-taking. You start developing a new script for social interactions with women.

Understand and respect womens' map when you meet them

You can have your map of how an interaction should go in accordance with your reality or perception of the world. You might try, in accordance with such a map, to make others conform to it. You become a control freak. If a woman, for example, operates from a map that is significantly different to yours it might be difficult to communicate or build rapport with this. Their map may be causing them to respond according to values, beliefs, etc. which may be at odds to yours.

Take the time to see her point of view. Try and see how she views the situation of you initiating an interaction with her. Be curious. Appreciate her opinions and views of the world and try to relate to them. Find things in common, as opposed to different, between you and her.

Thus when a woman’s map does not agree with yours -- she decides to terminate the interaction and go to the toilet for instance -- be tolerant. She might change her mind later on in the night. Opinions, when it comes to women, are often temporary. Be patient. Maybe later on in the night, you might want to talk to her again and both your maps might be aligned by then.

Drama

Drama Queen

Drama happens when you meet women as a result of you trying to impose your map of the world onto others. You think that your way of seeing the world needs to be shared and revered. Tolerance goes out the window. As a result, guys get tight inside, hating and angry. Nobody wants to hang around somebody in such a state. We want to be around people that are loose and enjoying their lives. Imposing your criteria onto others is equivalent to “Everybody must like me or else...”. You become threatening and externally validated.
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#1
EnVee

EnVee

Senior Member

Join Date: 01/15/2009 | Posts: 277

 Neat.
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#2
Ozzie

Ozzie

Instructor | Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 2529

Matt. wrote:
Walter: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...
The Dude: I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
Walter: Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.
The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.

we must memorize these lines. they are so crucial.

donny is the single coolest guy in that movie. he is even cooler than the dude. i like it when the he says "the walrus!"
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#3
PimpBoy

PimpBoy

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/24/2009 | Posts: 164

Awssome. And true.
When I first heard about this pickup thing I just started interducing myself to everyone, meeting everyone around me,  with chicks I add kisses and hugs.
I go into a party- and instantly meet 10-20 people like that. Got me a club promoter job..
After doing it for 2 years Its so into my reality, I don't think about it or flinch- while other guys just stand and do nothing.

These little fixes add so much... and its not even a real risk.
here and there you will hear a chode comment on this "look at this guy.. he talks to everyone" but its only up to you to give it a meaning.
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#4
AFFLICTION

AFFLICTION

Member

Join Date: 03/10/2009 | Posts: 42

Yeah, Steve Buscemi (Donny) has always played the loose-lipped, not afraid to do or say anything kind of fellow that everyone just "puts up with." But he IS being authentic and that reflects.

Now look at Steve Buscemi's new role in the HBO Series Boardwalk Empire. He's the motherfucking mob BOSS. And I see this show and I relate it to pickup in the sense that 'Donny' is who are all are starting out, but through massive repetiition and the DESIRE, you can become as cool, calm and collected as Buscemi's character in Boardwalk Empire.

Great post Ozzie.
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#5
Don corleon

Don corleon

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/28/2010 | Posts: 584

 Ozzie your articles are amazing. I mean other articles on this site are helpful but your articles always hit the right spot. You always notice something you have been doing wrong. It expanded my reality. Thanks.
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#6
dave7

dave7

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/27/2010 | Posts: 1909

 Lindsay Lohan is super mega babe hot
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#7

Canello

Trusted Member

Join Date: 07/23/2008 | Posts: 1261

The only pitfalli is that we may become addicted to fear...i had noticed this in myself in the past...that i wanted this adrenaline rush in order to get motivated and whenever i could established a social script,then i wanted another one,bolder,in order to give me this adrenaline rush and so to get in state...i believe finally we should be able to approach without the motivation from fear...and then we say we approach naturally...
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#8

Stones

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/06/2007 | Posts: 384

 Drama happens when you meet women as a result of you trying to impose your map of the world onto others. You think that your way of seeing the world needs to be shared and revered. Tolerance goes out the window. As a result, guys get tight inside, hating and angry. Nobody wants to hang around somebody in such a state. We want to be around people that are loose and enjoying their lives. Imposing your criteria onto others is equivalent to “Everybody must like me or else...”. You become threatening and externally validated.

b r i l l i a n t
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#9
scottsdale

scottsdale

Trusted Member

Join Date: 10/23/2007 | Posts: 1561

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#10
denominate

denominate

Junior Member

Join Date: 08/31/2010 | Posts: 7

 Dude, this is golden...

makes so much sense the way you explain it.... 

Thanks
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#11
Jack-Stripper

Jack-Stripper

Trusted Member

Join Date: 11/07/2006 | Posts: 1086

Agreed, one should also connect with lots of different people who don't share your views, beliefs, principles and your reality in general. If you are a hippie, and you mix with, lots of goths, business people, nerds, gays etc, it can be a great experience.  Just people who differ from you. Learning to be chill around these, and not force your reality on them, you just become a much more awesome dude to be around.

And this then translates over to women as well, not just people in general.

- Luv Jack-Stripper
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#12

Pablinov

Respected Member

Join Date: 11/14/2010 | Posts: 333

I noticed this in myself, whenever someone didn't agree with me I became angry and I started an argument that became an emotional fight. I was doing it subconsciensly. Enlightening topic
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#13

Farn

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/04/2010 | Posts: 149

What if it's not the fear of looking awkward that's the problem, but actually being awkward? I know I can't be awkward and attractive at the same time. The solution's not to get over my fear, but to get over the awkwardness.
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#14

subx

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/18/2008 | Posts: 1248

Ozzie thanks for your articles.  Exposure is important to overcome fear.  Followed by re-evaluating if those thoughts surrounding the fears were rational, catastropy thinking, etc. 

Any thoughts on someone who has a hard time exposing themselves to the fears?  What would be your advice on someone unable to take action?
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#15
SharKk

SharKk

Junior Member

Join Date: 12/10/2010 | Posts: 1

Becoming successful with women means desensitizing yourself to failure (including social awkwardness and rejection) NOT avoiding it. Good post that serves as a quick reminder to this. 
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#16

daneger

Junior Member

Join Date: 12/09/2010 | Posts: 20

ask strangers questions that there likeley to say 'no' to....the other day i haggled with the guy at mcdonalds for a dicount and got one...the chick at the night club gave me half price , because i argued that it only looked like a $5 night......just putting yourself in positions that will require you to talk yourself out of them are fun.
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