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December 20th, 2014
Ego vs Self-esteem
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Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

I think this is the best article I've ever read. It changed my life, aside from PUA stuff too. Could someone please edit the wiki and put it there? I think everyone should read it.

EGO VRS SELF-ESTEEM

Some absolutely crucial concepts here...

SELF ESTEEM:
-You're born with it, just like arms and legs.
-It is indescribable -- like MOJO or SOUL.
-You have it as a child until it becomes wounded (it takes years to find it again -- and "re-remember" the self-esteem you had as a child)
-Feeds off of nothing, as it is self sustaining

EGO:
-A rational construct that we devise as a substitute for self-esteem (when it has become too wounded to provide confidence anymore).
-Getting status, making money, pulling girls -- these things allow us to LOGICALLY tell ourselves "I have confidence".
-Different from "self esteem" because self esteem is a INNATE HUMAN ATTRIBUTE whereas ego is a MAN MADE PSYCHOLOGICAL CONSTRUCT
-Feeds off of continual attention, accolades, good reactions, etc..

Now you could argue that EGO is a stronger form of confidence than self-esteem, because ego is based on something rational.

However, being even more objective, self-esteem is an INNATE CHARACTERISTIC and something you're born with, just like arms or legs.

Remember -- there is no logical reason for having it.

You just have it because you're born with it. It's innate.

So when someone says "That dude has way too much ego" they're basically saying "That dude is leaning on some logical construct to give himself confidence, because he's a wounded little boy who lacks self esteem."

In other words, a guy with "too much ego" is coming from a place of weakness, not strength.

It's not a bad thing to have ego -- guys who transcend all ego are often weirdos who live cross-legged in caves.

It's also great to go after the things you want, because it improves YOUR OWN QUALITY OF LIFE (ie: I choose to live in Hawaii, not a fat house in LA, because I love Hawaii -- if I wanted to impress my friends I'd move back to LA).

However, if anything, ego should be layered ON TOP of self-esteem -- not a SUBSTITUTE for self esteem.

If somebody pulls the rug out from under you, ideally it shouldn't affect you emotionally because you have a foundation of self-esteem in place.

Now as for "being sucessful with women".........

Say you approach a girl, you must KNOW that "The self is coming through"

That means that you know that things like:
-Self esteem
-Masculine polarity
-Confidence
-Positivity
-Outlook (ie: Jeffy has a funny worldview, so his slight ironic demeanor shows this)

........are always coming through to the girl, even if you just say "hi" and have a casual conversation.

Later, as the conversation progresses, things like:
-That you have your own tastes and values
-That you have your own identity and purpose
-That you have personal boundaries

.......will also start to come through.

This knowledge that "THE SELF IS ALWAYS COMING THROUGH" is the most INTENSE realization you will ever have.

Once you realize it, you realize you can approach with ANYTHING, and say ANYTHING, and the girls will dig it because THE SELF IS COMING THROUGH.

Think of it like "psychic powers" (even though they don't really exist) -- whether you've got a mansion or a yatch or a twelve inch battle axe.... or intelligence or street smarts or a worldly perspective --> the specifics are totally subjective and irrelevant.

If you have REAL SELF ESTEEM and you know that THE SELF IS ALWAYS COMING THROUGH, the girls KNOW that you're the shit the second you open your mouth (or at least, when they "process" it, which may take a few sentences).

The day that this epiphany "clicks" in your head YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE.

NOW...

If you walk up to a girl and you don't get a lot of attention right away, just like the driver of a high performance race car -- a driver who KNOWS the calibre of car he's driving won't be afraid when he hits a scary curve because he knows the car will hold out (that the self will show through within a few more sentences); whereas a guy who doesn't know what kind of car he's driving will freak out and try to OVERCOMPENSATE.

Guy who knows what car he's driving = tapping into self esteem

Guy who doesn't know what car he's driving and feels like he needs more "logical justification" to believe in it = tapping into ego

Or, IOW......

EGO = any time a girl doesn't react exactly as you were expecting you get those needy hungry eyes and start pushing for a reaction (girls feel this and blow you off), or worse you just bail out YOURSELF to avoid any "contradictory evidence" that you're anything other than the "pimp" you believe yourself to be.

SELF ESTEEM = you're totally at ease with ANY sort of reaction, and once the girl feels that unreactive masculine polarity coming from you she opens up --> hence "knowing that in a few more sentences the SELF will surely start to come through."

The core of what's going through your mind must be:

-"I have SELF ESTEEM and I'm not even thinking about any rational reason for it -- I'm BORN with this cause it's the fuckin SOUL MOJO F-IN' SUPER POWERS -- and this is GOD'S WILL"

-"I know that the SELF is always coming through and the girls know exactly who I am the second they listen to me talk"

-"I know what I have to say is valuable because it's coming from ME, and I know what I have to say is interesting because it's an EXPRESSION of my personal tastes and people are curious about that" -- just like a hot girl talking, and how whatever she says is interesting because it comes from HER

-"I don't take ownership of their bad reactions -- I've spent enough time taking failure as feedback and improving myself that if they react bad it's probably THEIR issue not mine"

By installing these beliefs you stand head and shoulders above every other guy who can't "be himself" around girls -- because ego is ultimately a sign of UNHEALED WOUNDS whereas real self esteem is a sign of true VITALITY.....

Back when you were a kid you HAD self esteem (you were born with it) but it was wounded through adolescence and couldn't provide that FUEL for your confidence anymore.

So to find fuel you created an EGO (sought out rational reasons for why you should feel confident) to carry the weight...

But at this point, you're NOT THAT GUY ANYMORE and you're SO EVOLVED (as Jay-Z would say) that everything about you (whether your physical body or self esteem) is stronger and not so easily wounded.

You can "re-remember" that old self esteem you used to trust as a child, and like a "big happy baby" you approach girls and all people with full expectation of a friendly response.

This all sounds funny, but it's absolutely true.

It's called "coming into your own."

NOW...

As for that feeling you get on an "on" night, or as we call it "being in state"…

When you go out, use “game” to get girls giggling and giving you attention, and find yourself going into state, this is your ego in a FEEDING FRENZY.

Your ego is saying “Mmmmmmm… This is soooooo good. Keep it coming.”

This is the equivalent to putting your hands on two electrical sockets and just letting the current BLAST through you.

That’s why going out and being “in state” is so addictive and so yummmm.

However, confidence has to come from SOMEWHERE…

And the kind of high you get from tapping into EGO is like a DIRTY and ERRATIC high.

It’s a high where you’re totally in state, but even as you do another approach in the back of your mind you might say to yourself “Maybe I shouldn’t do this one because I might fall back out of state…”

Tapping into SELF ESTEEM based confidence you get a more stable high -- a CLEAN and SILKY high.

You can feel that you’re in state, but it’s so much cleaner and there isn’t the slightest concern that that you might fall out of it.

It’s impossible to fall out of it – you’ve TAPPED INTO something that’s inside of you and you’ve hit the “sweet spot.”

That’s the "new" RSD and what this “game” is really all about.
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
Login or register to post.
#1
Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

Big Egos


We've all heard the expression "big egos" or "there's too many egos in one room here" but it's only in the last few months that I've really understood what the word "EGO" actually means.

I won't get into a long diatribe here, but your ego is basically the sum of all your logical rationalizations for why you should feel confident.

It's your "story" of who you are.

See, being CONFIDENT and CONTENT is actually a DEFAULT STATE for human beings.

In the absence of being a wounded little bitch, you feel very content and confident.

Life is tough though, and as life hands you a few bumps and scrapes you come up with logical rationalizations for why you should feel confident.

It's pretty messed up, because why should you need a STORY to feel confident or content???

It's a DEFAULT STATE!!

Still, that's how it is for most people, and they're constricted by their big cumbersome egos.

Ever wonder why your buddies won't study how to be good with women??

It wouldn't align with their "story" of how cool they are.

Ever wonder why they won't approach women??

Again, being blown out wouldn't align with their "story" of how cool they are.

It's like a hot girl who gets denied entry from an exclusive club. She starts shreiking and freaking out because her story of " I can get access to whereever I want!!" is being messed with. It was a pillar in her reality, and once removed she becomes LESS confident than a girl who doesn't have even half of her looks.

That's the big bitch about dealing with people who have big egos.

They're rarely interacting with YOU. It's all about getting you to RESPOND to them in the way that they require in order to keep feeling like the person that they want to be. They're cool as long as they're being responded to in the way they need, but as soon as you go outside that boundary they get those anxious, hungry-eyes.

Blech!!

As you can imagine, girls are very turned off by this because in reality it should be THEM reacting to YOU.

It's an instinct that they feel --> an instinct of ATTRACTION or REPULSION, and a great deal of this comes from feeling that you cannot be controlled.

The need to feed the ego, more than anything, is a way that you're easily controlled in that respect.

It's a total buzz-kill to women.

If you're still interacting with people through a filter of feeding your ego, you've GOT to let it go.

Anywayzzzzz.........

Big egos are occasionally the cause of the dick-measuring contests you see in our humble community.

Are you the greatest POOOOO AHHHH???

Naw man, I am the greatest POOOO AHHH.

It doesn't matter if YOUR SKILL has no bearing on MY SKILL......

It doesn't matter that YOUR GIRLS have no bearing on MINE......

The fact that you EXIST fucks with my concept of how great I am ---> which fucks with me at a raw emotional level.

It's the same sort of thing in the world of business and finance........

Who's got the biggest business??? You???

OK, well it doesn't matter if it doesn't affect or change how much money I have. My concept of how cool I am involves having the "BEST" business which means that if somebody has more money than me then it fucks with me at a raw emotional level.

See, none of this stuff has to do with a person's personal happiness or quality of life.

Nope.

It's all about that self-concept that they draw confidence from.

Think about this.......

Without your "story" of how cool you are, who would you be??

It's a tough question.

Of course, in reality this story is your greatest weakness. It fucks up your relationships and it fucks up your life.

Riddle me this........

What's the absolute WORST way to derive your sense of identity as a guy who wants to be good with women??

Think about it............

Any guesses????

I'll tell you ---> It's a "PICK UP ARTIST".

Why?

Because getting girls means being 100% free of needing any outcome.

It means no "reaction seeking" or "approaching with an empty cup that needs to be filled".

When your sense of self is derived from being a "pick up artist" or "PUA" or "POOOO AHHHHH" you approach women always needing something.

See, you might not have "one-itis" or even want THAT PARTICULAR GIRL, but you DO want her validation that you're a good pickup artist.

There's only one type of guy on the planet who approaches a girl that he ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTED TO and yet still experiences approach anxiety and neediness, and that's a "pick up artist".

He doesn't care about the girl, sure..... But he DOES need her to validate his identity.

Ouch!!

I've learned to downplay my own skills over the years because I find that the more I "self-aggrandize" myself, the more nervous I get to do demonstrations for students or the press.

It's not uncommon that when a guru gets status that he gets too scared to do approaches in front of students, and that has a lot to do with preserving the whole ridiculous "story of who you are" ---> aka the "ego".

Anyway, this is a call out against self-aggrandizing, and a call to find your identity in something that's core to YOU.

More than anything, it's a call back to that old SELF-ESTEEM that you had back when you were a kid, and you interacted with girls based on your similarities and common humanity with them, instead of trying to be "higher value" or "one up".

Believe it or not (and you must TRY this to really know), when you can approach girls with total comfort because you know that you're a part of the same tribe (ie: humanity) it conveys such an "at ease with the world" confidence in yourself that they often become attracted.


At least, so the theory goes...

Or as Tyler Durden would say "It's only after we've lost EVERYTHING that we're free to do ANYTHING."

Does this make sense? Give it some thought.

That's it for today.

Much love and respect to all!! :)


Tyler
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
Login or register to post.
#2
Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

These are like my most favourite blog posts lol. I think they got lost in the blog and it should be a must read for everyone. Erm and can a mod edit my spelling mistake in the thread title? =)

I'm not at the ideal level where I want to be yet (ie: total perfection -- LOL) -- but seriously, I'm seeing flashes of it more and more often.

It's almost like hitting a "sweet spot", which at first was hard to reach but now is getting more and more consistent.

I feel like I've finally "figured out" and "seen" the true core of this game.

If I just stay on this path I know it will become 100% consistent by next year, or maybe a year after, but it will definitely be worth the stretch.

It's not like a black and white thing either -- it's just constant improvement and getting better and better.

The constant challenge for me is not letting it become a part of my identity (ie: I'm the shit because I'm natural) because AS SOON AS I THINK THAT IT CEASES TO WORK.

This is the huge flaw in the whole game: if being good with women becomes a part of my identity, then I'm always trying to validate that identity, and I come across reaction-seeking -- when in fact, my best nights are when I hit the "sweet spot" of just being ME and not thinking a step ahead of what other people think.

One key I got from Rick H was when he made a cryptic remark that I sort of ran with, which was "If you're a guy who's thinking one step ahead, like what he's going to say next, she's going to know that and not like you" (paraphrased).

I tried just going out and approaching with "What's up" and NOT thinking about what I'll say next.

This is also why if I tell a guy taking a bootcamp "I want you to TRY to get blown out, by not making any effort" he'll open the sets and they'll all stick on him like glue. I can tease him like "You failed... You didn't get blown out" and this will fry his brain because girls are loving him despite that he made no effort.

For me it's like hitting that sweet-spot as often as possible, which is a total mindscrew because as soon as I take PRIDE in being able to reach it, I can no longer reach it.

It's like as soon as you say to yourself "I'm going to get this girl by trying not to get her" it ceases to work --> you have to REALLY not care.

This sounds freaky, but it's almost like a PSYCHIC thing (even though it doesn't exist and anyone who talks about psychics I think is out of touch with reality) -- but seriously, the whole principle of "THE SELF IS COMING THROUGH" is a real mindscrew for me because as long as I know "the self is coming through" I can go in there and usually do phenomenally well by just putting myself out there and being ME.

We could probably come up with all sorts of theories about why, like that "ego" is a cover for a wound of real "self esteem", and that if you convey self-esteem you convey that you'd healed all your wounds or never been wounded in the first place -- which conveys value.

I really don't know -- just throwing out guesses... At the end of the day it doesn't even matter though, it just works.

A good experiment for me a while back was to take a digital camera and video myself approaching with my routine stack.

Then, after, videotape myself approaching with "Hey what's up"

I realized that I approached with FULL CONFIDENCE with a routine stack because I had the EGO PROTECTION of "If it doesn't work, it's just my delivery and it says nothing bad about me."

With "what's up" it's all YOU who gets rejected, so it's really really hard to approach with that same total confidence and anticipation of a great response that you have when you're using the material.

Learning "natural" game is basically just learning to approach with that same total CONFIDENCE and ANTICIPATION OF FRIENDLINESS that you had when you're telling a great story, but instead of anticipating a great response for the great story, you anticipate a great response for YOU.

This is almost like a girl's frame --> also a lot like a child's frame.

One of the clues for me was when said that Tommy Lee approaches people like a "big happy baby."

I thought that was a great line and I've fully adopted it. I just approach sort of in the role that I'm a big happy baby, never wounded, never have had a problem in life --> and as my buddy Ariel said, feeling CONNECTED to the world rather than disconnected and having to be above or below it.

It's funny, but the fact you're able to come from that place of security winds up sub-communicating a lot about you -- maybe as much as being the "leader of men" or whatever.

I still think you've got to be the man and be the shit, but I also think that for guys who’ve taken on those behaviours for a few months that it’s so internalized that doing it consciously at this point is just try-hard.

There is no way we could ever go back to acting like chodes so any effort to the contrary is really wasted energy.

That said, I think there are a lot of identity-crises where you CAN bring back old behaviours without realizing it, and those have to be nixed out.

I've seen ex-PUA friends who revert to spending tons of money on girls and getting USED hardcore. So we can't be reverting to that, or to being quiet little introverts who stay at home on a Friday night.

But as long as we're having fun and being outgoing, just walking up with full anticipation of success (big happy baby style), and allowing the "escalation window" to open, I think this is the most potent way.

I've seen Tim from Real Social Dynamics do phenomenal things and I think he's the paradigm of this style of game (as are most of the guys in RSD -- which is why I chose to surround myself with them).

His opener is "Hi I'm Tim" and the guy really gets a deep rooted sexual attraction, far stronger than the buying temperature attraction that most people in the community get.

Anyway, a lot of stuff here -- maybe you guys will be able to pull something out of it.

Let me know what you think.


Tyler
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
Login or register to post.
#3

YouAreSoInMyWay

Junior Member

Join Date: 08/13/2007 | Posts: 14

hey, reaaaallyy good stuff here. One question: where have you taken this articles? the first one is from the blog, but the other two i haven't seen anywhere. Let me know so i check out the responses of ppl.
See you in the field.
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#4
Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

All are from his blog lol. I think most people aren't gonna read through his whole blog so this should be wiki'd or something. I think it's way more important than some of his older articles we wiki'd.
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
Login or register to post.
#5

YouAreSoInMyWay

Junior Member

Join Date: 08/13/2007 | Posts: 14

ok, now i'm gonna wiki the "big egos" article. the ego vs. self esteem has been already posted. just tell me one more thing. what's the name of the last article? 'cause you put something in the beginning, and then tyler starts talking (or writing...whatever).
see you in the field.
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#6
Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

The title is "More on the new RSD"
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
Login or register to post.
#7
Sashimi Samurai

Sashimi Samurai

Member

Join Date: 05/15/2007 | Posts: 28

this is a really good article dude.. especially that stuff about having self esteem by default as a kid.
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#8
Unbreakable®

Unbreakable®

Respected Member

Join Date: 11/28/2007 | Posts: 623

Alright I get the importance of self-esteem vs. ego and how I can be in-state permanentaly if it's based on self-esteem not ego... so the question is HOW DO I TAP INTO SELF ESTEEM??

I can get in state easy by successfully opening a set but I'd like to be able to be in state 100% of the time.
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Brutal honesty
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#9

Law_NYCE

Senior Member

Join Date: 11/03/2007 | Posts: 116

Cerebrus Wrote:
Alright I get the importance of self-esteem vs. ego and how I can be in-state permanentaly if it's based on self-esteem not ego... so the question is HOW DO I TAP INTO SELF ESTEEM??

I can get in state easy by successfully opening a set but I'd like to be able to be in state 100% of the time.


I don't really know dude. Don't worry about state too much, just open with or without state.

Oops posted this on the wrong account. This is JNLC.
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#10

vet

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/26/2007 | Posts: 214

these articles contain exceptional insights and made me think

i have had one night in my life where i pretty much fluked into this stable state and my self was shining through - it was truly amazing and hope everyone can experience it, i am trying hard to recreate it again.

i'll attempt to deconstruct it with hindsight to see if we can get anything out of it:

crucially i had a massive hangover which prevented me from overthinking - i want to work on recreating this naturally.

i opened everone without exception no judgment of their value

Negativity was not even in my frame, i am unsure why this was, all i can say is that i was in a calm (zen like if you will) state of social 'flow'. (normally i have trouble holding a frame).

i went with the flow literally. i did not try to impose my will or consciously be alpha (which is by definition a beta thing to do imo) with the group i was concentating exclusively on self amusement. (something i'd like to add here is that i was not being a selfish dick here, by self amusing i was also amusing everyone else naturally without being a dancing monkey).

no outcome dependence - i wasnt trying to pick up girls at all but girls were all over me (i seriously was wearing the same clothes as the night before, hadnt even brushed my teeth).

it's like i've had a taste of manna and had to go back to eating mcdonalds. i've not been able to recreate it. I've identified my core confidence as a massive problem. i am not currently congruent (boring desk job) with who i am, but i am actively taking steps to change this. i am also very concerned about what other people think about me - i know this ridiculous but find it difficult to change this - thoughts on how?

Another problem is since then i've learnt about game - yes it's fucked me up and it will fuck you up too. you can not reach this state if you're trying to run game.

It would be good if anyone can deconstruct my experience further to see if we get anything else out of it - happy to answer any questions

thanks
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Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. -- Leo Tolstoy

ozzie alumni june 08
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