THE FORUMS

December 6th, 2016
LR: Jeffy Fucking Drama
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jlaix

jlaix

Instructor | Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 8800

A Three-Part Miniseries

Chapter One


So as you guys know, I enjoy fucking around on the internet, both literally and figuratively. I’ve been rockin this shit since the early days, back when Friendster was still cool, and to this day online accounts for a good 35% of my successful pickups. I got this shit down to a motherfucking science.

My latest was from Hot or Not. One thing that is imperative for online success is the ability to convey a UNIQUE PERSONA very strongly, which is something that I happen to excel at. Take a look at my profile:

http://meetme.hotornot.com/r/?emid=OQHYHYA

A ripped abs pic reminiscent of “300,” a hilariously self-deprecating bio and some quirky keywords, and we’re in business. Note: this kind of profile is going to be highly polarizing. Either they love it or hate it. But in the words of Tim, SEXWORTHY MAN is only concerned with amusing HIMSELF, and generating EMOTIONAL SPIKES. Whether those spikes are positive or negative is of little consequence. It’s a thin line between love and hate, as the song goes.

While I was over in Europe last month, I was continually working chicks back home via online. Checking my traps like a dirty rat, I was born to mack, I’m hooking hoez like crack, I’ll be a monkey on ya back bitch, till ya quit that Jeffy habit got ya all on my DICK.

So… I get a new double match about a week before I come home, some kind of nerd with huge boobs. Let the games begin:

----
You some kind of nerd? Smashing. Just smashing.

You're a magical angel. You're like baby polar bears sliding down a rainbow into a pot of gold. You're surrounded by a shimmering nimbus of golden, holy light.

God, you're fucking glorious.

You missed the bit about my unicorn princess powers.

You are like a greek god, summoning the powers of lightning bolts and chubby cupids while virginal fair maidens throw themselves at your feet.

(swoon)

nerd? of course. but i don't have an iphone.

Yeah, this is Sparta.

I've been in Europe for a month. This is my last weekend here; I'm now preparing to go to the cheesiest club in London where I will no doubt hear "sexyback" and "umbrella" at least fifteen times each. Fortunately, I have trained myself to associate specific educational concepts/affirmations to each of them.

So what, you're a painter? Do you live in SF?

You are similar to an angel, from heaven, in many respects.


What if I don't believe in angels? What am I similar to then?

I had a little girl ask me- 'do you believe in fairies' and I said I'm believe in imagining fairies' and she said- 'if you believe in fairies, you believe in angels too, and if you believe in angels, you have to believe in god.' I'm not sure the logic works but I was impressed none the less.

I enjoy painting, I went to school to be an artist. But I'm not sure that being an artist is something that one can learn, certainly not in a California university. So now I am a graphic designer and I work in marketing. Not to far of a digression but still...

gosh so many questions...

what are you doing in London and when you return will it be to the bay area?
do you dance? do you dance to sexyback?

I would say that you are most like Prometheus- he gave man the gift of fire and could tell the future.


I always thought of myself more like Sisyphus by way of Camus... dealing with an absurd existence by shoving absudity back down existence's throat.

I have two cats... their names are Steve and Fluffy. Ok, Fluffy is actually named Dulce, but she is called Fluffy. I'm a freelance writer/thug, just traveling about working on the book.

Back in SF next week. It will be good to get back home.

You're like My Little Pony meets Hello Kitty meets High School Musical 2, with a cherry on top.


If you can liken freelance writing and travel to pushing rocks up a mountain, then its settled, Sisyphus.

I'm actually more like Rainbow Brite with light up stripper heals.

Apparently Steve is an up and coming popular cat name. My cat came with the name Chrystal. She asked me not to change it since it so I didn't. Although most the time she responds just fine to 'kitty' and 'baby'

The weather is gorgeous here. Whats the book?


It's an autobiographical novel. I'm actually looking (more...) forward more to the NEXT book, which is about a LARPing misfit and is tentatively titled, "Ichor of the Wolf."

I can't believe I just looked up Rainbow Brite on wikipedia.

I can't believe I just looked up LARPing on wikipedia. I may have just disqualified myself from being smashingly nerdy.

Autobiographical novel eh?
I'm imagining something somewhere in between- On the Road and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance- only darker.

ps- almond milk is better than soy milk- in my opinion.

yeah how'd you know? Add some HST, bukowski maybe a bit of ellis.

Man, I had a really late night. Now I gotta go have high tea, then pack, then go to some "VIP party" in victoria and then I fly out at 4am from chode heathrow. My pharmacist friend gave me some ambien so sleepy times shall await.

You're either really cool, or a total weirdo. Probably both.

I'm highly unorthodox in a lot of ways, I gotta let you know right now. But my window is open.

hopefully your sleepy times will invent dreams of angels flying though open windows.

So we're obviously soul mates; I wanna meet you. This is my number:

(415) JEFS-DUM
(415) 5337-862

Really.
(No, not really. But it’s something similar.)

To Be Continued...
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#1
jlaix

jlaix

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Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 8800

Chapter 2

Within a couple hours, she sends me a text message, and we have now moved to phone game:

Your confidence is breathtaking. Will your window be open on Saturday?

Nah I’m in LA this weekend. But there’s a big party with free booze/food on Wed from 7 to 9p

I can get you in because I’m cool

It’s early so you can go to school in the morning


;-) sorry. Cant. I have plans already.

Yes. You’re going to cancel. This is better. (In my mind, her plans are irrelevant to the situation. I am relentless.)

Im sure it is. And to go with someone SO cool too… ;-)
Cant cancel. But im tempted.

----- hour later

Send me the info. Maybe I can make it.
Did you use voodoo power on me? I just changed my plans.


I employed a powerful talisman
(i.e. “I cried when I accepted this powerful gift from Mis73ry on GH1.”)

You are trouble. ;-)

Look I’m quite hung over… I’ll call you later this eve k? <3 XOXO


k. happy recovery. X

I call her that afternoon while wandering the aisles at Costco. I’m wearing Puma sweatpants and Asics Gel Kayano Series Tens, and I've recently shaved my head into a bizarre Harry Potter mohawk.

She doesn’t pick up. It goes to voicemail, standard robot message. After the beep, I go, “Dork… hey it’s Jeff. I’m at Costco, feeling a lot better. Actually, I figured you probably wouldn’t pick up, seeing as how you have like, a JOB (chortle).”

I’m dazed and confused, examining a large display of stuffed Spiderman dolls, poking them in an attempt to make them talk. “I wanted to see if you had a quirky message or something clever. Default robot chick is nice, tho. Anyway, get a hold of me later… ok bye.”

She calls back later that evening.

This is the first time we’ve actually spoken. I just ramble gibberish at her, talking about what a badass I am, about my various creative works in progress, how ripped my fucking abs are, ridiculous and only slightly tongue-in-cheek. I realize I’m coming off SUPER arrogant/borderline qualifying and tone it back a little.

I mention to her that there might be some drama at the party, I’m a bit of a controversial figure, and there might be some crazy girls and so forth. She’s all, “Oh boy, I like that!” She tells me to text her the info about the party.

Ok. Meet me at the Mel’s at 7.
Be punctual so we can get the maximum amount of free shit
Glory times woooooooo

Ya know, I think I’m gonna pass on the party. You are really cool but marina parties aren’t my style. Have fun! (marina is a yuppie neighborhood in San Francisco)

You think I like them? I have a fucking HARRY POTTER MOHAWK.
Oh, you’re coming…
(she tries to cancel but I simply DON’T ALLOW it.)

Fuck. I forgot about your voodoo. Don’t leave me with any lame drunk marina boys.

We’re going to be great. You’ll see. Big entrance, superstars. 7p

Yeah no pressure. LOL

Think of it as an incredible adventure from beyond time.
Very exciting!


I am. That’s why i canceled my plans. I know you wont let me down. ;-)


Yeah this should be amusing to say the least


Next morning, day of the party. Several complications arise. First, a call from a deranged woman I occasionally sleep with asking if I’m taking her to the party. I tell her I have a date and she freaks out, I’m like, oh fuck. She very well may come to the party and cause a ruckus, getting up in some bitch’s grill or perhaps falling down. And another girl I’ve been wanting to get to know better, who also has huge boobs, reveals via email that she heard I’m going to the thing and she might see me there. Things might get a little clusterfucky up in this piece.

Well grow me a goatee and call me Tarvold, I’m Jeffy Fucking Drama. Or Jack Tripper. Or whatever, there’s just a part of me that loves this shit. I think it’s a character flaw, I’ve begun to address it. Hennnyways.

I figure my best course of action will be to hook up with the original chick, and just play it by ear with the others. After all, I already made this date and it would be disrespectful to ditch the girl at the party. I’ve developed a little class over the years, I guess. And the other chick should understand that and perhaps even appreciate it.

I take Alex to the airport to return to Australia. He’s just been through 3 months of RSD Executive Coach training, which had him doing bootcamps with practically every RSD instructor out, in Honolulu, Sydney, Melbourne, Hollywood, Vegas, Chicago, New York, Phoenix, Denver, Calgary, and a couple other places I’m sure I’m missing. I drop him off curbside and throw a thug hug.

“You’re a real boy now,” I say. “You are the future. Just keep on your shit, and most of all have fun. Now I’m off to face the music.”

He replies, “If there are drama times, just say ‘RIGHTO’ and don’t forget to ask them if they believe in Harry Potter.”

“Yewwww fukking KUNT,” I smile. He disappears into the terminal.

6:56pm. I’m in a cab on the way over when she texts me:

Im very punctual.

Spectacular 5 Min out

I roll up and she’s sitting outside. She’s good. No fake/artsy/old pic BS, as is sometimes wont to occur with these internet things. Hug and kiss. We start walking to the venue a couple blocks up.

“So look,” I tell her, “You’re gonna have to pretend to be my girlfriend. There’s some creepy girls here that won’t leave me alone.”

She replies, “Oh, so that’s your way to touch me all night.”

I laugh, “hehehe yeah. Anyway, it’s only like one or two girls. So yeah, you’re my girlfriend. And we met on hotornot last week.”

She laughs and we go in.

It’s pretty low-key. We eat food, get loaded, I say hello to various people, including the other huge boobs chick, then isolate my girl in the back at the end of the bar. I’m up on her now, nimbus smoldering deluxe. Tonguedown. Another drink.

“Let’s get out of here. Can you give me a ride home?’

She says of course she can. We get back to Club Jeffy and and it goes down, all too good and much too true. God Bless America. She leaves at like 4am.

To Be Continued...
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#2

Jose Armando

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/18/2006 | Posts: 1065

.
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#3
jlaix

jlaix

Instructor | Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 8800

Chapter 3

841 am. I text her this:

How are we feeling this morning? I’m going to the gym.

Awful. Hung over. My car won’t start.

Pop five Advil and you’ll be fine. Foxy and fine.

;-)
--- later that afternoon

I want to know your secret for setting up a threesome situation.


[[OK HERE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S DONE HER HOMEWORK ON JEFFY! A bit of Google perhaps?]]

Sigh.
How much time do you have?


How much time are you willing to give. Im totally interested. For real.

Haha ok. I will reveal my earth shattering secrets of success.

I knew you had voodoo.
I spent a weekend last month with a guy from ny. We tried to pick up on girls. Trying was fun but no results.


I get people results.

Well you got some good results last night.

Yes. You see, it is actually quite simple when you have the nimbus about you.
The hard part is following through. Eye of the Tiger.

Lol

Do you have the killer instinct? Is that a role you’re comfortable with? The predator?
If you answered yes, then I can help you. Because that’s what it takes.
Shit picking up my pants from the tailor


Yes. I can be.

They did an excellent job.

You can Yelp them. (yelp = business reviews site)

Why don’t you come over and Yelp this
points to crotch

crickets


I’ll yelp that all night long.

---

Indeed! Since, I've gotten several random texts from her indicating how awesome, hot, etc. I am, ostensibly so she can keep me on her radar until she can fuck me again. I appreciate that, look forward to this occasion, and am very interested to see where this goes. If the kid's got talent, she could make the Chessclub Saga look like the bush league.

Pun intended.
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#4
Chance

Chance

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/21/2006 | Posts: 1197

Cool report. I'm glad you included some conversation snippets as it gives perspective to guys who haven't taken a bootcamp yet. I was amazed at how you plowed and she ended up changing her plans for you. This happen often for you?

Anyways, good stuff and fun to read.

-Chance
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Listen to me! You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you, never wanted you, and in all probability, he HATES you.  It is not the worst thing that can happen.
It isn't?
We don't NEED him!
We don't - we don't!?
Fuck damnation, man! Fuck redemption! We're God's unwanted children? SO BE IT!
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#5
thesam

thesam

Member

Join Date: 08/30/2007 | Posts: 51

Hey jlaix, thanks a lot for posting this. I've spent the last few months of my life sort of addicted to HotOrNot (lol) and have gotten to know a lot of really cool people (but never met any since they all live so far away...), so I was able to learn a lot from this thread.

It's really obvious you've got a very unique personality. I'll tell you why I know this.

I've always been curious about what the other guys on HotOrNot do, so I talked to one of my matches and she ended up just giving me her username and password and told me to go read her messages, lol. So, I kind of read them all... Anyway here's what I learned. Every single message was one of these:

"hey wuts up"
"hey sexy"
"ur so cute whats up"
"hey ur such a hottie :)"
"ur sexy...you live in KC???"
"wow...you are so beautiful"

So when I read "You're like baby polar bears sliding down a rainbow into a pot of gold" I was kind of like...whoa.

I convinced my mom sign up (she's now a 9.4) and she's told me about the messages she's gotten. One guy (after buying her a digital flower) sent her this gigantic biography of himself and told her how "unique" she was and blah blah blah. My mom got freaked out and didn't write him back...poor guy.
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#6
FoodBuddha~

FoodBuddha~

Trusted Member

Join Date: 07/11/2007 | Posts: 3978

That was YOUR mom? Fuck. Sorry dude.
__________________
-------

The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything
at the same time, the ones who never yawn
or say a commonplace thing, but
burn, burn, burn,
like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding
like spiders ac r o s s the stars.

-Kerouac
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#7
Chic

Chic

Senior Member

Join Date: 07/27/2007 | Posts: 175

jlaix Wrote:
If the kid's got talent, she could make the Chessclub Saga look like the bush league.

Pun intended.


Fuckin eh!!! Masterful stuff here (esp. like the plowing for the date). Thanks for the LR; I was worried that I'd have to re-read the Jlaix archive for the n-th time for my fix.

Return of the glory days
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-chic

THERE IS NO CERTAINTY.
-TD
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#8

Fluid

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Join Date: 09/01/2006 | Posts: 512

whahahaha . . .
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#9
Thomas Anderson

Thomas Anderson

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Join Date: 03/14/2007 | Posts: 625

cool LR. Is your nimbus always golden? I find that my nimbus changes colors frequently. Last night it was perrywinkle blue
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#10
jlaix

jlaix

Instructor | Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 8800

It is always golden. This is due to it being holy.
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