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Posted September 30th, 2006 at 4:10 AM
Posted September 30th, 2006 at 12:37 PM
Posted September 30th, 2006 at 6:57 PM
Someone posted here recently asking what guys’ reasons were for wanting to become PUA’s. At first I thought to myself, “Duh, to get laid more.” As I went through the thread though, the most frequent reason for wanting to become a PUA wasn’t sex, but VALIDATION. Interesting that even though as guys, we’re the supposedly sex-crazed gender, yet validation ranks higher on our list of motivating factors than sex itself. This got me to thinking about the relationship between validation, sex, emotional reactiveness, and that whole crazy game called social interaction. Here are my half-baked ramblings…
For my purposes here, I’m defining validation as “Feeling good about yourself.” Depending on how good you feel about yourself, you can feel either more or less validated. I remember TD describing validation as being like a drug. This is a pretty apt metaphor. Because, like a drug, you can actually become addicted to validation.
Also, like a drug, desire for validation can cloud one’s judgment. Maybe one day they’ll come out with a validation patch, but in the meantime, BEWARE. Do not operate heavy machinery while seeking validation. If you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant, do not seek validation…
Validation and Status
People are wired to seek validation from people of high status. From history, if high status people accepted (validated) you, you were more likely to survive. Unconsciously this is why people seek out celebrities and try to get into their good graces. It’s a survival tactic. Notice that if the coolest guy in the club comes up to you and compliments you on your shirt, it just somehow FEELS better than if Chodey McChode gave the compliment. This is no coincidence. It’s validation at work.
Validation and Unreactiveness
There’s an inverse relationship to validation and reactiveness. When you want someone’s validation, you’re reactive to them. The less you need their validation, the less reactive you are to them. Also, just by being less reactive to them, than they are to you, you’re actually invalidating them, which makes them chase your validation even more. Which leads us to…
Validation and Attraction
As we’ve probably all heard, being unreactive to a girl can trigger her attraction towards you. Why is this? My theory is that when you’re unreactive to her, you’re invalidating her. She, of course, being used to getting validation from men, will try to get that validation from you by getting you to react. She’s SEEKING a reaction from you. And since reaction-seeking is a low-status behavior (and she unconsciously knows this), she begins to perceive you as having higher status than she does, and feels attraction.
Two Types of Validation
Validation can come from one of two main sources.
1. Internal – eg: Your self image, beliefs, sense of accomplishment
2. External – eg: People’s acceptance and praise, material possessions
We often make the mistake of constantly looking outside of ourselves for that “hit” of validation. This is a problem in that not only does it lead you to subtly NEEDING people to approve of or accept you, it also (because validation is addictive) makes you a SLAVE to other peoples fickle and changing attitudes. When your validation relies completely on other people’s acceptance, anything that endangers that acceptance will be seen as a threat to your emotional well-being. Not a good thing.
Conclusion/Letting Go of Praise
Becoming a genuine high-status, less reactive, naturally attractive person involves learning to shift your validation source from external to internal. A big part of this is letting go of praise. Detach from praise. Wean yourself off of it. Appreciate it when you get it, but don’t NEED it in order to feel happy, and don’t make a big deal of it. Instead, derive your happiness from the goals you accomplish, and the vibe you generate inside yourself. Be a fun, outgoing (don’t forget sexual) guy because YOU want to be, not because it’ll get you laid. That attitude seems to be what gets you laid.
Yeah that was me under the "People keep telling me how they want to be pua instructors" thread. I didn't take too kindly to that initial reply you sent haha.
But I truly believe validation, and not just "getting laid more," is one of the reasons people outside of the mpua's social circle would want to send an email about wanting to become an instructor.
Anyway, validation is actually a big part of this. Objectively you don't NEED a more-than-friendly relation with a woman to survive. You could get with a huge ass'd & huge boob'd 7 and physically and objectively there'd be more meat than on a nice 9 or 10. But that validation is what makes it feel good to get with a slender 10 than a big boob'd big ass'd 7. Sure, it has a lot to do with standards and what not, but even women in general adds that validation to most guys' lives.
It has a lot to do with being content.
Posted March 14th, 2012 at 12:16 PM
Posted March 26th, 2012 at 11:47 PM
Yeah, good but quick post here.
"Change requires willingness to experience pain. ... Change also requires discipline. You have to systematically observe and change behaviors every day. Change cannot be hit-or-miss. It requires constant practice."
--Jeffrey Young in Reinventing Your Life (p.42)
--Jeffrey Young in Reinventing Your Life (p.42)
Posted March 27th, 2012 at 4:03 AM