THE FORUMS

March 30th, 2017
I have no or little social life
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alesha

Junior Member

Join Date: 11/19/2011 | Posts: 14

Hello,
I just realized something rather disturbing:

My last birthday: a non-event.

Last time I went to a birthday party: 2010.

I don't know yet why is it this way, but it seems like all of my relationships eventually just fade away.

I think that before doing cold approaches, it would be a good idea to think about it.

Maybe something is wrong with the way I intereact with people?

I don't see anything really wrong with me, at least externally — I am healthy, quite good looking (or not so? I am not sure of anything now), fit, I take care of myself probably much more than the majority of people.

But somewhat it seems like I can't build long-lasting relationships with people (or don't want to do so).

How can I find out what is going on here?

Sometimes, I think it could probably be helpful to ask someone to try to give me a honest feedback on how they perceive me, but I feel it would be rather embarassing to even ask for such a thing. It would basically mean to admit to everybody that sometimes I feel unadequate. The idea of asking someone to judge me is fearful, it makes me imagine people making fun of me and telling what looser I am. And it would hurt, a lot.
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#1
Juju Shaka Khan

Juju Shaka Khan

Senior Member

Join Date: 11/12/2012 | Posts: 149

 Hi Alesha. Are you a girl? (judging by your name)

I also have trouble making long-lasting relationships becasue I never really had any throughout childhood. My family was unstable and I moved around a lot so I never had the time to settle in and create a long term bond with anyone. I'm not entirely sure how to go about correcting this since I basically have zero referrences to go by.
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#2

narv

Respected Member

Join Date: 04/07/2012 | Posts: 585

good connections and friendships comes from having fun together and sharing same interests and/or lifeview.. what is your hobbys and interests? 

2 books I would recommend:
- "how to talk with anyone" cant remember the author.
- "win friends and influence people" dale carnegie.

then, go out alot, get as much social experience as possible, be a yes man that socializes and go to every event possible. 

Smile alot, be funny, relax and have a positive outlook when you are hanging with people. Nothing that sucks energy like a negative, isolated freak..

join some hobbys where you can socialize and MOST IMPORTANT, start doing improv comedy +1 times a week. Saved my life! 
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#3

alesha

Junior Member

Join Date: 11/19/2011 | Posts: 14

Juju Shaka Khan wrote:
 Hi Alesha. Are you a girl? (judging by your name)

I also have trouble making long-lasting relationships becasue I never really had any throughout childhood. My family was unstable and I moved around a lot so I never had the time to settle in and create a long term bond with anyone. I'm not entirely sure how to go about correcting this since I basically have zero referrences to go by.
I am really sorry, but I am not a girl.

My family also moved a lot when I was a child.

Basically, my mother decided to divorce when I was around five years old, and I guess she had to work a lot, so I had to live with my grandma for a moment, I changed schools four times from 6 to 11 yo, then my mother got married and we moved to an entirely new country and I had to learn a new language and a little bit different culture (and I did it well, I speak just like a native).

Maybe the story can explain something, but I don't really know what is really going on.

I don't know how people perceive me, nor exactly what is wrong, nor whether or not something is actually wrong. But sometimes I see people having fun together in a group, and I never feel being a part of it.

Anyway, I read your topic about embarrassment — I had a similar moment in the last year of highschool. I was just learning pick up and I was probably reciting some kind of "routine" in front of a group of girls, when one of them just asked me: "So, how is this gonna pick us up?” I felt really stupid and walked away not knowing what to say. Of course, now I think it's rather funny I don't even remember who they were (btw, I don't even cared who they were, probably I just cared about reciting this damn "routine", which may explain the result). In your case, I would act like nothing happened and if they try to allude to it, I would pretend that nothing like this happened, in a self-deprecating manner (I mean, lying without even hiding it and joking about it). This would probably be my reaction.
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#4

alesha

Junior Member

Join Date: 11/19/2011 | Posts: 14

narv wrote:
good connections and friendships comes from having fun together and sharing same interests and/or lifeview.. what is your hobbys and interests? 

2 books I would recommend:
- "how to talk with anyone" cant remember the author.
- "win friends and influence people" dale carnegie.

then, go out alot, get as much social experience as possible, be a yes man that socializes and go to every event possible. 

Smile alot, be funny, relax and have a positive outlook when you are hanging with people. Nothing that sucks energy like a negative, isolated freak..

join some hobbys where you can socialize and MOST IMPORTANT, start doing improv comedy +1 times a week. Saved my life! 
I actually tried improv comedy, but I realized it wasn't really my thing. Or maybe was it too hard? Some days were ok, but sometimes I was going there at the end of my day, feeeling tired, I had to force myself to make up stories when all I wanted was to relax and be quiet. I didn't really enjoy it.

As for my intrests — I like to educate myself on different topics, like nutrition, psychology, physics, whatever. I am on my way of making car racing a regular hobby — not that easy as it involves some personal investment — but this is probably one of the rare things that I find really exciting and that I really, really love doing :) — it actually is more exciting than flying an aircraft.



(is this, of course, not me)

This is simply amazing. Especially those moments when you realize you have a huge stupid smile on your face becasue you almost went off road but still somewhat managed to handle it, and didn't die as a consequence :D
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#5
Thrillseeker

Thrillseeker

Respected Member

Join Date: 08/23/2006 | Posts: 426

I know what it's like, dude. I'm that way myself--always been a loner. I get along with people just fine, but my relationships tend to die from neglect. Plus I move around a lot, so I often find myself in a new place where I don't know anyone. There's no easy answer...it depends on you and your situation. But I'm convinced that this is something that you need to work on fixing AT LEAST as much as you work on cold approach. Your cold approach will benefit, not to mention pretty much every other aspect of your life.

What was working for me most recently was instead of just going out to clubs either alone or with wings, I was spending more time going to small bars that had the same crowd every weekend. Just kept going out to the same places...I made friends that way. Then I started having some people I'd call and make plans to meet out at the bars, or to have dinner with before going to the bars. And I found I was having a lot more fun...was more satisfied with life...inner game was so much better, which made stuff with women seem easier and more natural.

I was in a small city in another country, which had a pretty tight-knit expat community, many of whom were raging...alcohol enthusiasts like myself. It was sort of like being in college again. (Except I wasn't a nerd anymore.) So you may have to figure out something different that works in your situation.

I've been recommending this Social Circle Mastery stuff to everyone lately. I feel like it's a big piece of the puzzle that I've been missing all this time. You can get a lot of the info from this series of articles by Mr. M, but I think the DVD set is totally worth it if you have the money.

One way or the other, I think this is a very important thing for you to do something about. Doing lots of approaches and improving your cold approach game is a great thing to do (not to mention fun!) but it won't necessarily solve the problem of you having no friends. And cool guys by definition have friends (cool friends even), so you can either figure out how to TRICK girls into thinking you're a cool guy, or you can actually become one (which I think is probably easier). Aside from that, there's plenty of research that suggests that nothing is more important to your psychological health, happiness, and long-term physical health than strong social connections.
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#6

alesha

Junior Member

Join Date: 11/19/2011 | Posts: 14

Thrillseeker wrote:
I know what it's like, dude. I'm that way myself--always been a loner. I get along with people just fine, but my relationships tend to die from neglect. Plus I move around a lot, so I often find myself in a new place where I don't know anyone. There's no easy answer...it depends on you and your situation. But I'm convinced that this is something that you need to work on fixing AT LEAST as much as you work on cold approach. Your cold approach will benefit, not to mention pretty much every other aspect of your life.

What was working for me most recently was instead of just going out to clubs either alone or with wings, I was spending more time going to small bars that had the same crowd every weekend. Just kept going out to the same places...I made friends that way. Then I started having some people I'd call and make plans to meet out at the bars, or to have dinner with before going to the bars. And I found I was having a lot more fun...was more satisfied with life...inner game was so much better, which made stuff with women seem easier and more natural.

I was in a small city in another country, which had a pretty tight-knit expat community, many of whom were raging...alcohol enthusiasts like myself. It was sort of like being in college again. (Except I wasn't a nerd anymore.) So you may have to figure out something different that works in your situation.

I've been recommending this Social Circle Mastery stuff to everyone lately. I feel like it's a big piece of the puzzle that I've been missing all this time. You can get a lot of the info from this (link edited because of forum's technical restrictions) by Mr. M, but I think the DVD set is totally worth it if you have the money.

One way or the other, I think this is a very important thing for you to do something about. Doing lots of approaches and improving your cold approach game is a great thing to do (not to mention fun!) but it won't necessarily solve the problem of you having no friends. And cool guys by definition have friends (cool friends even), so you can either figure out how to TRICK girls into thinking you're a cool guy, or you can actually become one (which I think is probably easier). Aside from that, there's plenty of research that suggests that nothing is more important to your psychological health, happiness, and long-term physical health than strong social connections.
I'm not a big fan of the “Love Systems” industry but I will check this out.

Another notable thing I am noticing: I feel like there are two kinds of people: the uncool kids I don't even want to meet / be friends with, because I perceive them as being lame ; and the cool kids I don't dare to befriend. People I tend to form some relationships with tend to be somewhere in the middle, not lame, but not excessively cool either. This is not totally true, but not totally false either. And what I am saying probably doesn't make much sense. To add to this insanity, I may feel one day like I suck, and onether day like I totally rock, and disagree with what I previously said, because I no longer feel it's true. Therefore I should create multiple accounts: alesha_sucks, alesha_rocks, alesha_doesnt_care_what_you_say, alesha_is_crazy and probably alesha_is_drunk so I can keep being congruent with different identities when I post. This way, alesha_rocks will be able to give useful advice to alesha_sucks.

It is supposed to be funny but it isn't: so maybe is it self-destroying through self-discrediting? Purposefully making people ignore me because of the cryptic bullshit I am throwing at them? But why am I doing so?
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#7
The Mack

The Mack

Respected Member

Join Date: 02/21/2012 | Posts: 725

people stay friends when they feel good around you
when people feel bad around you, they fade out
force yourself to feel great until it becomes a habit
then people will start coming in and staying
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#8

Category120

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/03/2012 | Posts: 204

The Mack wrote:
people stay friends when they feel good around you
when people feel bad around you, they fade out
force yourself to feel great until it becomes a habit
then people will start coming in and staying
serious wisdom coming from the mack.

in every case of every friend I've had, this was true.  If they like you they will stay around, if they feel like you're hiding something or being weird and not totally honest with them, they will just stop talking to you and they won't even feel bad about it.

I've had many, many experiences like that.  What you have to realize is that no one is obligated to be your friend.  We are all just people trying to navigate our way through this existence.

When you make someone your "friend" you are fitting them inside this box that defines your relationship.  You expect things out of them that are probably unreasonable to expect if you were totally honest with yourself.  Nobody has to do anything for you, they do it because they like you.  It sounds harsh, but you have to understand that other people have their own shit that they are doing too.

Here's one thing that most people don't seem to realize - if you have a friend that goes away or stops talking to you, it's not like they can never be your friend again.  Again, if you are cool around them chances are they will be cool back.  Relationships are fluid, you cannot fit them in a box.  People change and update their perspectives constantly.

If you don't have friends, it is probably because YOU are doing something wrong.  It is not some esoteric thing outside of your control. It is not some bullshit justification that you tell yourself.  It is something that is ENTIRELY in your power to fix - you just have to put in real effort.

If you have freedom and you don't have something that you want, there is no one and nothing to blame except yourself and your own decisions.
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Life is not a battle between Good and Evil
Life is a battle between Good and Easy

-Me
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