December 13th, 2018
Approval seeking for newbies HOW TO STOP
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Senior Member

Join Date: 06/19/2012 | Posts: 170

We all start off as kids needing love and depend on our parents as we grow older we become more and more independant. what happens is if didnt feel loved or worthwhile you cultivate the need for the approval from others to have them good feelings. Simple.

Now ide like to explore approval seeking and see what exactly you are trying to extract from th person, just what exactly ar uou interested in and why. Its funny to note that approval seekers dont necasarily seek the approval of people close to them who actually mean somethingg to them but theyll go out of their way to seekthe approval of a complete stranger. Not any stranger the approval seeker is not that stupid he wouldnt seek the approval of a panhandler because he is not considered high status but who they will seek it off is anyone who is not approval seeking and is quite comfortable with themselves. Let me explain, the guy wantss positive reactions from someone who he has built up in hiss head to be above him in the social scale. So for example a hot chick when a newbie goes to talk to a chick he is coming with his cup half empty wanting to be filled by this stranger. Is it any wonder why girls are repulsed, even though you had th courage to approach you are not gonna get far. You should keep approaching tho to confirm the fact that she is repulsed by your actions in a way of evidence. This doesnt mean you dont approach its just to make you aware of your actions.

Now an approval seeker may have been seeking approval all their lives and they wong even realise their doing it and take it as part of their lives but the funny thing is they think other people are the same as them and that their normal and everyone does that. you could be smarte than everyone else in the room intellectually but because of your emotional lack you are not seeing what you are doing thinking your being smart when in reality you are looking foolish. So the AS walks around all day trying to please and make connections with people who are just vibing thinking that everyone else is the same unconciously or consiously. So when he meets a duud and that guy is very at ease with himself he trys to impress him because he himself is impressed with his characteristics. He then trys to mimic the traits of that duud who was probably just being himself in other places he goes. Or he might watch a movie where scarface is the boss or something and he trys to steal them characteristics to get acceptance from other people. This can go on for years and years, i have a freind to this day hea doing this and i cant get through to him because having a conversation with him is not a real coversation, it is me telling him and him trying to say the right thing to me which is fucking crazy if you think about it but he goes through. His day like that with most people. And what i realised is hes very bitter and gets into confontrations with people alot. Thats funny because hes trying so hard to be accepted that people actuay reject him. This is how this part of us works when we are Aproval seeking.

I like to hang around with this guy because i see myself few years ago and compare to where i am now. I now understand why i didnt see what hes not seeing now. Its because he isnt normal, he is not living a normal life. Hes living a lie and he keeps rationalizing to keep the lie going on. It is a delusional place to be and the only way out is to get fucked over so much which is already happening to hkm right now i guess. Until he says this is not working and becomes concious of the fact he needs apprival to feel good.

Approval seeking makes people feel like total shit but th paradox is that they Are seeking approval. Cause they feel like shit! So its a vicious circle. They are always thinking about people and how to act and fantasise about how they want life to be but if that fantasy was to come true they wouldnt want it because they hae unconcious guilt because they know theyve been misrepresentjng themselves and guilt always asks for punishment and they end up fuckig it up because they dont feel they deserve it in the first place.

Ok approval seeking has got nothing and i mean nothing to do with people. Nill 0! you see people are just people but in the mind of an approval seeker theyre not just people they are a source of happiness. A woman is a woman period! She is not a source of good feelings, have u see. How retarded these women can be they cant make a sandwij neva mind make u feel good and they definatly wont make you feel good if you dont already. So the approval seeker when hes interacting with people hes not only having a convo but hes trying to feel good about himself. So he cnt follow the convo and the person loses interest and leaves leaving the approval seeker empty and waiting for his next chance of that drug.

The reason it has nothing to do with the people is because the approval seeker is not seeking the approval to please the person or the women hes seeking it to PLEASE HIMSELF. Approval seekers think that they are the most selfless people because they cater to the needs of others and are slaves really to the people but in reality they are the most selfish people. The reality of an approval seeker is really complety bankrupt. All they want is themselves, they just wana feel good no wonder people reject you because your not real in your interactions with them. Do you understand that some chick who barely knows you is repulsed by your selfishness.

The approval seeker is actually so selfish that he doesnt love for free he wants something in return and even more than that hes so selfish that he wont even love himself. Because thats what its all about the reason you seek from others is because you reject yourself and wont love yourself so you search for it in others but its never sustaining. Now how do you love yourself when your not loving....after all them yers of approval seeking finding out the very reason you seek is because you dont give to yourself. A tip ide guve anyone is if you are not loving yourself realise that this has all happened to teach you to love yourself and its not your fault but take full respomsibilty even though. And if you wana go really deep to love yourself as you are not as you hope to be.
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Senior Member

Join Date: 06/19/2012 | Posts: 170

Sorry for the bad spellings im on iphone

Let me know if you agree or wana learn more its a fascinating subject
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Join Date: 03/10/2013 | Posts: 31

Dude!!!! Thank you so much!!!! I just made an account to express my gratitude to you.  This clears up so much...  I know CLEARLY see this is the mind state I am in when i interact with most women.  Did you personally transform from a validation seeker, to a "not validation seeker"? If so, what is the path to get there? Cross the indifference threshold?
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Trusted Member

Join Date: 04/08/2012 | Posts: 1582

Could barely understand anything the OP was saying cuz of all the mispellings, but I agree with most of this, especially the parts about approval seekers being delusional and mimicking others. I'm more concerned about what the source for approval seeking is (besides a bad childhood obviously). I'd like to say its social conditioning but I really don't know. I kind of blame EVERYTHING on social conditioning so thats not really accurate as I am heavily biased against it.
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Senior Member

Join Date: 06/19/2012 | Posts: 170

guavalights wrote:
Dude!!!! Thank you so much!!!! I just made an account to express my gratitude to you.  This clears up so much...  I know CLEARLY see this is the mind state I am in when i interact with most women.  Did you personally transform from a validation seeker, to a "not validation seeker"? If so, what is the path to get there? Cross the indifference threshold?

Lol how did u even find this thread.

And approval seekers are seeking themselves. So its tricky. An approval seeker has an addiction to positive reactions. He is a codependant. Meaning he relies on someone else to love him to feel good. Any form of attention that is positive is like gold to him. Criticizm is his worst nightmare. An approval seeker is waiting to evolve. Hes like a half human and is waiting for someone to love him so he can feel
Whole again. He feels a lack and sees a lack in everything. He would rather say nothing at all than say something no one cares about or criticizm.

What i did was get destroyed by people and
Started to think there was something wrong with me etc. then realised i was doing it all to myself. So i saw what beliefs i had
About myself like im no good or im unlovable as i am
And acted in a way oposite to that belief and slowly but surely i evolved. Check my other posts too
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Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

OP yeah good stuff.  

Kinda what you're describing is the Approval Seekers is that they have an "addiction to other people" AKA codependence (see Codependents Anonymous, CoDA the 12 step group).  This also ties in with Adult Children Syndrome and the other 12 step group Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA).  

You mention this thing about they can't see what they're doing until "they get screwed over enough times" which in that addiction literature is called "hitting rock bottom."  

Oh yeah, I just read your reference to "He is a codependent" right there...yeah, you know of this shit.  Cool.  
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Join Date: 11/11/2012 | Posts: 45

Dude, its like a story of my life u wrote about smile. Lol emoticons are kinda retarded here
I never worry about action, but only inaction. ~ W. Churchill
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Join Date: 12/07/2012 | Posts: 94

I was researching RSDNation for some issues I’d been having and found an incredibly insightful article. Here it is.

http://therawness.[SPACE-DELETE THIS]com/reader-letters-1-part-1/

This post changed me. It gave me tons of ideas and aha-moments as to why I was the way I was. What is the way I was? The way I was consisted of me taking ideas of self-development, mostly from RSDNation, and applying them into my life with a broken foundation. For example, take the phrase “be authentic.” That means being and expressing yourself unabashedly. I would “be myself” only for the outcome of pussy, which isn’t bad for the regular pick-up bloke. However, I was coming from a frame that = happiness and deep down inside I felt as if I needed to have women fawning over me, fucking me, and/or validating me in order to feel good about myself. Things like intent didn’t mean anything to me. I just never felt it. It’s like I desired validation more than sex.

Back to the article. It talks about how pick up is being used as a bandaid treatment for more underlying issues. And if we don’t take care of our underlying issues, which mostly have to do with self-esteem ding ding ding, then our symptoms will continue to crackle our shell and surface. Some noteworthy examples the author uses include parents, people writing to him, Neil Strauss, and Mystery.

Hint: It turns out we all have parent issues.

This article hypothesizes that for those of us with validation issues, the problems stem from our parents’ relationships with one another. That trickles down to us. These relationships are broken down into two parts: the narcissist and the co-dependent. Different sounding names they have, similar are they as well. The narcissist thrives on being number one. Thoughts usually only revolve around what can be done for that individual. It needs the co-dependent to feel superior in life as well as to receive attention. The co-dependent on the other hand focuses too much on the other person. They want to be the fixer-up. They want to save the other person. They want to be the reason the narcissist becomes an outstanding member in society and it is only the co-dependent who can do that. See how they’re related? They need one another.

I’ll get back to this post. The most important thing to do from this post is to read the article. I am tired so brb. 
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Senior Member

Join Date: 06/19/2012 | Posts: 170

All addictions stem from a belief that your worthless. People who are living in shame. Their always in fear of people that their going to find out their not perfect. They believe they are flawed as a human being. They have been conditioned to
Believe that their is something wrong with them. So they get addicted to drugs alcohol or in ur case people codependancy. They lost connection with their true nature. They are worthy, they are good enough they are lovable as they are. This disconnection comes from being raised or spending too much time around people who are also disconnected from their truth. People or parents who are also suffering from this kind of pain and worthlessness. So the child or you was trying to get love from someone who couldnt love you as you are. Because they were incapable of loving. So you in your innocence started to believe their is something wrong with you. Its not your parents fault though. Their parents might have done the same to them and dont question they tried their best. But they couldnt teach you to love yourself. Cus they dint love temselves. Growing up the child begins to think hes worth less than the parents time. Then from there the belief kicks
In and you try to get love because you believe your unlovable. That belief creates thought wich creates negative emotion. Thats why u feel like shit. Its not the disaproval that make you feel shit its the failure to get approval to cover your negative emotion temporarily. Your beliefs are not true so your heart is telling you via negative emotions. Negative emotions are a defence for you. They are telling you to stop believing in a lie. Your true nature is worthiness and love etc. but you have been convinced otherwise. Best thing to do is act as if you are worthy and lovable as you are. Realign with your true nature via action. Your beliefs need to change
And realign back to who you truly are. God given worthiness. As long as you believe your wrthless you will always be an approval seeker
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Senior Member

Join Date: 03/10/2013 | Posts: 197

Wow extremely long post. Can someone give me the cliff notes version? Lol.
99% of people are stupid... Luckily, I am part of the other 2%.
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Senior Member

Join Date: 06/19/2012 | Posts: 170

Great stuff i can relate to you. The people around
Me when i was growing up were severely unhappy and they used me as a punching bag. I had people who i grew up with who made me feel rotten about myself. They were wounded themselves and couldnt handle the inocence of a child. So they did what wasdone to them probably. Treated me like shit. Abused me emotionally. They were children raising children in reality. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with
Me because i knew these people were my family and i needed they but they couldnt love me. Ad i thought it was me but it was there inability to love not my deficiancy. They treated me like an adult condemnd me, criticized my every mistake. I learnt how to be arrogant and unloving. I grew up making other kids feel as rotten as me. I condemned them i criticized i hurt. Until i realised that i was the one who needed help. The i looked at my parents and olders who did this
To me. They needed help. They were grown children in mens bodys. The peopel who i started to hate i started to understand. They did not know what love was. They treated me the way they must have been treated. Humans are great repeaters.

Ive healed my pain my children will be better than all
Thats come before them if god wills it

Chai wrote:

Deep shit man.

Glad you wrote this! I have a lot to add to what you have to say... as well as confirm.

I recently took a little hiatus from going out because of a wicked realization. I had (still have somewhat) what I call chronic validation issues.

That meant that practically EVERYTHING I did... I did it out of covert desire to receive validation.

From pick up, "being authentic", being busy, meditation, self-amusement and even escalating.

It was like during sets I would do the "right things" and would expect the girl to escalate on me. So having sick ass outer game...but then bottle necking at inner. Kind of like a body able to bench 500 lbs but quarter squat 100 lbs. So essentially I'd wait for her reaction to continue the interaction instead of being in my own reality. This is a HUGE sticking point for me as I am most comfortable & happy at home, with other dudes and being alone. Whenever I see girls... it just creeps up out of nowhere. 

Well I started getting really fucking bored and sick of it.  I'd stay in set for like 20-30 minutes, get numbers and an insta-date every once in a while, but I always felt deeply wrong inside. Either I was faking something in the interaction and was now approval seeking through texting or calling. Fucked up shit - hard to explain. I realized it was just a double-edged sword; the girl wasn't getting REAL anything out of it and I was constantly losing out emotionally.

Through some searching on the internet, I found a thread on RSDNation detailing narcissism. (READ THE ARTICLE IF THIS THREAD CLICKS WITH YOU AND IT FEELS LIKE SOMEONE IS DESCRIBING YOUR LIFE)

Do excuse me if it seems like I'm jumping from point A to Z to B in this summary. I highly suggest reading the article!

http://therawness. [SPACE-DELETE THIS] com/reader-letters-1-part-1/

This is the article.
It talks about narcissistic relationships & co-dependents and how while everyone has a bit of it... we "hard-case"  have it more intensely. Often times the fucked up ones of pick-up start as co-dependents and through pick-up, learn to be more narcissistic. It talks about Neil & Mystery were guys of huge co-depedency issues and they would receive their validation from fucking chicks which narcissistic issues. For the brief moment in time where they are "more narcissistic" while spitting game, the girls are attracted and the girls then become the co-dependent. But slowly as the self shows with time, and Mystery are the often-times ditched by the girls and are then emotionally fucked. E.g. Mystery taking a bunch of pills after the break-up with his stripper girlfriend Katja. In a bigger sense - why some people commit suicide after breaking up. 

Moving on, so co-dependents have some narcissism because as co-dependents, they focus their attention on how to be needed & how to be important. In their worlds, they are the only ones capable of "saving" someone. I remember I used to date this one chick who was married. I was like "shit man...I'm the only one who can save her from her shitty life." The positive thing about being co-dependent is that you're probably the type to put yourself in the background and be highly introspective... usually you see a lot of failures and tie them up with some action YOU took. So you are the one who is constantly fucking up. This means you can admit you have a problem, surface it to your awareness and begin the healing process. 

And on the other hand, narcissists have co-dependence. They NEED the co-dependent around to feeling important. Narcissists feel those highs and lows of being validated & wanted. Their value & mood is dependent on the attention they receive. So they'll often have these deep push and pulls where they can be like "you. complete. me." and then when you validate them they stop answering your e-mails or go emotionally cold. That was the girl I dated after the married chick. The world revolves around the narcissist and often times... unlike the co-dependent, they CANNOT admit they have a fucking problem (though they sure as hell like to create em...). There are two narcissists, the natural and the learned. The women & Mystery pick up are often natural while and Mystery as PUAs with tons of un-checked baggage are the learned. 

http://therawness. [SPACE-DELETE THIS] com/reader-letters-1-part-1/
The article starts talking about WHY this even exists and sources many great books. I took it upon myself to obtain one of the books in the article through inter-library loan. The particular book is The Narcissistic Family by Stepanie Donaldson-Pressman & Robert M. Pressman. I've linked to amazon for your convenience. [SPACE DELETE THIS] com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703

It's a book designed by therapists for therapists dealing with clients of such backgrounds. 

The article condenses the book. The book is totally worth the read as it is literally a full fucking range of emotions. As I read it, along with the article, it was as if someone was writing about the shit in my life that I didn't know how to express and also kept hidden in vaults for no one else to know. 

They talk about how our upbringings make us who we are today. The patterns we're used to... survival tools and etc. 

Important side-note. 

I'm all for RSDNation's "you are controlled by your environment until like age 20-24... step up and take control of your fucking life." This mantra, I love it and great as it is, can be taken the wrong way especially if one is not aware of the fucked-up-shit baggage they have. 

Okay. So we come from "Narcissistic Families" which means during our growing, our parent(s)' needs came before our own. It means mom or dad, or both, had their owned fucked up issues of either chronic validation seeking, desire to feel important, identity issues and etc. "We" exude almost the same exact behaviors which are in alcoholic-abuse based families... Except we the lack of alcohol. 

Before I start detailing my history - it's important to note... identify with the present & not the past. Use the past, however, as a tool to bring awareness of your patterns and inter-family social conditioning so that you can change shit. 

My mom is fucked up. She literally has a 4th grade education, is nearing 60, came from a family of 10 girls where girls were not desired (Chinese immigrants that moved to Vietnam), had to take care of her mentally retarded sister growing up, worked in a sweatshop, attacked by pirates on her way to the good ol' USA, while growing up probably had to yell a lot to get any attention, thinks our family pet turtles are social creatures (when they're not), hoards water and hates her maiden name. During our (3 siblings) childhood, she NEVER hugged or talked to us. She was emotionally cold and would say shit like "Shut up" when we were crying or "who cares" when we complained about something. She literally was JUST THERE. When I think of her.. it's like emptiness compared to my father. She cooked dinner and gave us money. We were not allowed to take showers unless she distributed the water herself. So we have the narcissist in the family... the one who, if she does not get her way, she yells and yells and yells. So her needs came before ours... by a LONGSHOT. 

My dad is fucked up. Albeit not as hardcore. This dude actually showered us children in affection, gave us hugs and kissed us. We would go on trips, go fishing, When I think of my dad, I think of the smile he had, how we looked forward to him coming home from work. He's the co-dependent in this case. "Without me... who is going to take care of this woman" as he will reiterate when talking about problems with mom. The enabler. The guy, who is walking on eggshells. This was me in my first relationship with the married woman. 

So I've writtten about my past and shit. How does this affect me and you.

So mom hardly ever validated us. If we didn't like the way she did something and told her - IRRELVANT. "WHO CARES." That means you / I / we / them were not taught correctly how to express our emotions, do not know how to fix mommy and are constantly looking for ways to do so. We, as children, put the logic into ourselves being the problem. We can fix mommy/daddy. We are constantly seeking that validation through other means.

We can look our childhood, read these books and identify patterns. We can then use the information to pick and choose what we don't like...and like. E.g. I used to cope through books, reading, eating and video games. I can read books like fucking crazy so I can choose to continue that behavior and cut out video games and eating. 

I think about it this way... my lack of identity & not knowing my emotions sucked hardcore and my failure to accept them thus myself isn't getting me laid. On the other hand... it has forced me to be incredibly open minded, adventurous... almost seek out identity in other things. I can jump into languages like fucking instantly and try out new ways cause I'm not narrowly associated with a form.

We can use this information to identify our emotional patterns of indecisiveness, inability to express and more. 

Just having the awareness that it's not us, that it's totally doable to de-condition oneself is IMMENSE.

I'm gonna cut this a bit short, maybe edit in the coming days. The info from the article & book should clear up a lot of questions and gray areas.


One of the hardest things is exactly this. It may be a lifelong thing. Or perhaps it's like brushing your teeth. 

Paraphrasing something the book said on self-acceptance.

Imagine your favorite food or vegetable. If someone gives you shit for liking that vegetable, are you gonna stop eating it? If someone gives you respect for eating that vegetable, are you gonna keep eating it because of that? No! You eat it because you value it. It doesn't matter if someone of authority uses social pressure to get those around you to believe that something like eggs are bad for you cause they're "high in fat." You enjoy it for what it is. That's how you want to accept yourself. You are intrinsically treasure. 

Every once in a while I'll have low points...

low low points. Maybe I got a harsh realization of my chronic validation issues. Something that I say to myself is this, "Just because you failed to escalate...creeped some chick stuck in your head DOES NOT MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A HUMAN!"

Yes on the one hand - you accept yourself for being a chode. Then you push yourself to be better than you are. Paradoxical, go fuck yourself and do it!  



read the damn article and book if you identify with this shit

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