THE FORUMS

Saturday 12th May

Day 2 with really awesome girl - pull to my place - fingering and handjob action - realise a couple of KEY things I've been missing (intent + realness)

Been texting with this girl I had a really good interaction with a week or so ago. I suggest grabbing a drink on sat and she's keen. She phones me to make plans on the day. Nice when its not one sided with the plan making.

Pick her up. Feeling kinda nervous actually. I realised there's a dichotomy  in my day to day life, where I'm compulsively thinking and in my head during the day, and have to force myself into presence in the evening. I noticed this a lot today where I just couldn't get out of this compulsive thinking mode (its not negative thought loops like it used to be though) until I hit gym in the evening. Think i need to throw in some meditation in the morning instead of just before I go out.

So I'm a bit nervous but it's almost like a nervous excited energy and clearly noticed the "what you feel she feels" as we vibed in the car. Like we were both kinda laughing and joking excitedly alot, was quite cool actually.

I started relaxing after a while and from then on things went awesome. Started talking shit that was making her laugh uncontrollably as we walked from the car. 

In the bar, I felt even more relaxed. These days I often slide into state as I walk into a bar. Weird how I've linked the two. I need to work on having that feeling even when I'm outside the club.

Grab a drink, chill on couch's. I use her as a drink rest. Then as a foot rest. Talk loads of bullshit and laugh a lot. I tell her I'm so glad we're having a stimulating intellectual conversation. This is actually an awesome line if you're just vibing with bs =)

She copies how I stole the couch and lay down on it when we first sat down. I lean over and kiss her neck. She comes back up and we makeout.

Go across to the club. Nother drink. Awesome vibing, making out, mad eye contact, physicality. I pick her up and mover her around and manhandle her. She has such a banging body wow.

Back to other bar for a bit. Seed the pull. Wine. Movie. We head back to my place. I'm having such an awesome time with her, like I literally enjoy choosing a movie with her and chatting about stuff that I almost forget it was just supposed to be an excuse to get her back to my place haha =)

Awesome connection with this girl. Lots of moments of just looking deeply into eachothers eyes without saying anything.

Watch like 2 minutes of the movie on my bed then get distracted. Go real slow from makeout to getting clothes off. Partly cause I feel like she needed to go slow and partly cause I "actually like this girl" whch leads to me choding out somewhat. It's super hot though.

Get lmr when it comes to taking the panties off. I'm fingering her and she's giving me a handjob. But she's not ready for anything further. I can tell she already went further than she would have with any other guy and that she's really in to me so I don't push it. I don't feel the need to either. That's another thing that I've been feeling lately - ok with whatever. Like i would have liked to do more but I had such an awesome time, sex was almost an afterthought. She looked kind of worried that I was irritated or whatever with her and I totally reassured her that I really wasn't fazed either way. Could see her become noticably more happy after that.

I find that I used to be very acutely aware of how people were feeling and where their thoughts were at. As I started becoming more into game that kinda got put to the backseat in favour of just million dollar mouthing it and just plowing the emotions over to the girl. Now I feel like I've become more comfortable doing that, I can actually be "more like my old self" in a way and just be very intuitive about the way i interact, while still having the "spitting game" aspect on backup.

Anyway, was a really cool day 2 that reminded me how cool connecting with a girl can be. Makes things more real, something that I've been struggling with a bit lately - findng the game shallow and lacking something.

I'll write a bit more about this tomorrow and also my major realization I had tonight about what i'm doing wrong in the clubs.

Peace. 

 Ok just going to do quick updates when i do my Mission 1-hour-a-day during exams.

Wednesday

feel like i've lost a lot of momentum so went out after handing in my last assignment.

Solo. See american girl i've made out with before. vibe a bit and makeout, she wants to meetup sober soon. 

Struggling to make myself approach. Feeling a weird sense of the approaches being real, whereas I sometimes feel like i'm in a video game or something when I'm out.

A lot of half approaches that = blowouts. I just know when i haven't gone in hard enough.

Psyched myself to approach the hottest girl and make sure I go all in. Do it and it goes pretty well. Chat for a few min. Nothing special but for the headframe I was in it was a victory.

Last couple weeks I have been getting a lot of blowouts unless I hit state and its cause of this half approaching bs.

Mini-momentum challenge engaged =)

Friday

Alex's shit is all the rage these days so tried out building momemtum differently tonight. 

A lot of his stuff "fixes" the issues I've been having with hitting the clubs up hard and burning them to the ground. Specially as a student, I see lots of people I know out so not polarizing everyone that could be a friend of a friend seems beneficial.

Worked fairly well, chilled with my wing and did more hit......hit...... hit instead of hit, hit, hit. Problem was I didn't get a "high" state which I like when I'm raging hard. I kind of hit a level of indifference where I felt good but I was just kind of bored and didn't really want to talk to people. I think I maybe went a little too chill tonight, so somewhere inbetween my wing and I's normal raging sounds like a good idea.

Bounced to the other side of town. Girl I've made out with phones me to come. When I get there she's wasted though, smashes her glass. Is acting irratic as fuck. Make sure she's ok and then get over that. She's messaging me now saying how sorry she is for acting like a bitch.

Meet up with my flatmate her friend. We jam a bit and I do a couple approaches which could have gone well, I just didn't really feel like doing anything. Call it quits at like 2am which is pretty early but I geuinely don't feel like talking to people.

I try man. But I slack off sometimes. What I do is just sit without moving and stare at a spot on the wall. If you start thinking just observe your thoughts and let them go. Just be real present.

If I do it for 10-20 min right before I go out I just hit state like straight away, it's awesome.

By the way, I see you're in amsterdam. GOing to be there for a few days in June =D

So I'm back :)

Went out again tonight for the first time in a while. This whole not going out thing has been a pretty cool experience (its cool how NOT GOING OUT is weird for me).

Taking a break and stepping back has been good for me I think. Also had one or two realizations. One of them is that I'm not going to suddenly become lame if I stop going out. Realize I was scared of this. Also I got into a more intense work mode than I have in years and was really awesome to see what's possible in that regard. Tyler's influence coming through in owning all aspects of my life.

Another biggie was realizing when I have a purpose and goals I'm pretty happy. Like I wasn't doing anything "fun" and yet I got to the point where I enjoyed being in a productive mode. I also noticed that tonight, my first night out in almost 2 weeks, is that I wasn't in my head AT ALL. Was awesome from the start and its because I'm doing big things in my life (not even really but it feels like I'm owning it). Or maybe its because I'm so damn jacked right now =D

Anyway, as I said it was a really awesome night. Obviously after not going out for a while I wasn't a full on beast but I was pretty on.

Almost fucked the warmup set who was a fattie who turned me on. Refrained.

Saw a girl who I'd met in class and her friend. Got in with them and spent the rest of the night with them, went to like 3 different bars and a club.

This girl is amazing, like reserved kind of sexy. Slightly alternative but real. Liked her. We were kind of getting physical on the dancefloor and I missed the makeout window a couple of times. Made out with her when I dropped her and her friend off after. The friend was like blatantly hinting we should hook up. I didn't even think to try pull, not really in that headspace again yet. Number.

Really cool night where I just enjoyed myself. Felt no pressure in any way. This is how I want to be living for the next couple weeks, cause EUROPE IN 2 TWO WEEKS BABY! I just want to have the most awesome time ever and if girls are a part of that that's great, but if not I'm not giving a fuck!

Yeah that's the last kind of shift I made. Just not thinking about pickup and social dynamics at all for this period. Was pretty cool, I feel more real and like a person someone can relate to. I don't have to DO STUFF to get the girl, just be me.

But I have missed you a little rsdn ;)