THE FORUMS

Tuesday night

Go to Ambassador.  Even at 1230 line is insane.  WTF.  Bruce and I go to Marina bars.  They're more happening but I'm kinda just telling Bruce about the shit I'm reading, I bring him into the "let's just stand here and talk" mode yay.  No real approaching except some dumb ass shit at the end of the night.  We see one of Bruce's old friends from back in LA and he tells me about "The Legend of Bruce" and his old amazing pulls back out there heh.  

12 minutes of meditation that day.  Missed out on gym since I stayed out too long, oh well.  Will have to do Wed, Thu, Sat, Sun this week.  

Talking to some therapist dude this Friday, gonna be doing that once a month if it goes well.  

Hahaha Doctor Paul.  He is in "Deep Inner Game" w David D.  

I mean the therapist is for stuff related to several posts back.  Like "parent issues" and honestly the last several months I've been feeling a lot of depression-like symptoms.  

The problem is that I'm also "going super hard in the gym" and "eating a shitton of food" so a lot of the symptoms, its not clear like "is this just the added stress of pushing my body hard?"  

I realized recently, or at least just started focusing on, the fact that my parents and their expectations do still intrude into my life more than I want.  I'm trying to learn how to draw clear cut boundaries in what I have to do with "their shit" and how to avoid letting it into my life.  

The truth is I actually am starting to "see" how a lot of this haze of bullshit depression COULD simple be just "growing pains" from being emotionally dependent on others to learning to be more independent emotionally (e.g. Covey in 7 Habits describes this as a paradigm shift, there is the paradigm of being dependent, paradigm of being independent...).  I had some moments of "Uhh a lot of what RSD is saying is just designed to push your buttons and make you react in a certain way" and really stopped thinking "They have all the answers, what I supposedly need is going to come from watching more free tour videos" and for a period of time just had to be really "away from RSD" since I did have a more reverential perspective of the company back in the day.  Now I suppose I'm also realizing, or not just realizing but acknowledging on a deep level "not only did my parents didn't teach me how to get girls or just even interact normally with people, (I've been 'past this' part for quite a while); but they don't know how to help me get ahead in life, or do or be or have anything I want to do or be or have, in life, PERIOD."  

Like deep down right now I do feel that "Fuck...its all on me" whereas my belief system used to be kinda "bolstered" by the fact of "Well, if I fuck up, my parents will bail me out."  And I'm just realizing how I have to let that part of the belief system go, because honestly it comes with too many strings.  

Yeah, I mean luckily I have "pickup" to show me the symptoms of this stuff, if I had kept going out and kept getting laid super consistently I think I would never have addressed this shit until later on, but really the therapist is just 60% proactive, and 40% in response to "this stuff."  

I see how it sounds kinda weird and really I'm mostly writing out this stuff more to "get it" myself, because I don't 100% know whats up...but its kinda like if you ever knew a girl who suddenly in her mid-20's "remembered" or "acknowedged" that she was raped when she was little (no, I wasn't raped) and then she just needs to talk about it and sort out the feelings and maybe not really "do" anything but just have someone hear her talk about it, and that someone is a therapist...that's just kinda where I'm going now.  

In the end it'll surely help me with "the pimping" and I'm pretty certain I'll be able to be at the top of my shit more consistently.  

After that (and probably even intertwined with it) there will be job/career/business stuff, but luckily in the meantime I'll just keep saving up cash until I'm ready to move on that front.  Unfortunately I'll be getting a "late start" at 29 or 30 in terms of switching to "learning business" from the "being an employee" thing, but ah well, it'll be from a more solid base, and by that point, pulling should be even way more straightforward.  

I means that I had to un-become the fanboy that I was deep down.  

I think I THOUGHT I had already done that, and I think it was on a more INTELLECTUAL level at first.  

Like honestly if I was on some shit and some guy is being aggressive and tells me to go away, I have a level of SELF-TRUST that tells me "I know how to handle the situation" -- and like as an example, on the Miami bootcamp, Tyler would be telling me "you shouldn't do dur and dur" and granted, I haven't been to Miami that much, but in the past my "fight threat detection" has always worked when sober, but I kinda found myself "justifying" it to Tyler.  Which I didn't think much of at the time.  Then one day someone posts some shit on RSD "Dur dur dur but you guys never get in fights you must not open mixed sets" and Jeffy is posting about how Tyler is relentless in situations like these and I realize "Uhh, no, Tyler was telling me obviously incorrect belief systems regarding this stuff in our discussion" and at this point I do realize...

"I listen to what Tyler says...emotionally...as if it is 100% true, yet here is an example where my version of reality seems to be more accurate or real than his."  

I realize that this is exactly the same kind of situation that I had as a 7 year old when I had an argument with my dad in this math problem...

"How do you read this in English?  7 > 5"
The answer is "7 is greater than 5"
My dad kept telling me "No you should pick the other one which says '7 greater than 5' OK."  And I was explaining that "7 greater than 5 is actually 2."  I actually think that one incident made me way more academically inclined cuz I felt like my dad's opinion was "the opinion of God" and I needed to get good at math since "I could be 100% right even if emotionally I didn't have a strong reality."  

AKA not emotionally being able to back up what I know is true.  I still wasn't able to even though "I knew it was" and this shit would hold me back in game.  Going deeper and deeper into my beliefs I realized I was still putting Jeff and Owen on a pedastal more than was appropriate.  I think this lil story splains it though...

Part of all of this was just that my issue coming in was validation.  And Tyler will validate the fuck out of you.  (Or at least he does to me, I guess not everyone gets that same experience.)  I guess that's a "fundamental emotional need" (more on that shit here) I didn't get from my parents when I was little, I suppose when I receive this validation and approval, especially in conjunction from someone who is teaching me a skill I really want to learn, I also start to hold them in a certain light.  Of course, I went in with that high expectation which is also important (due to Blueprint and also just from "social proof", as he is a god on RSDN).  

This is cool of course, but at some point, you need to validate yourself.  Which is where I am.  Its funny, everyone tells me "good shit" about me yet right now I still feel like I have to CATCH UP in my head, or something.  I dunno.  

This is about having removed defense mechanisms.  Eradicating blindspots.  

Now that the defense mechanisms are gone, there is some emotional shit there, must be dealt with.  I don't think its some super deep thing, simply similar to greiving the death of a loved one, or some shit.  

Yes there are 2 sides to every coin
- You may have to "go into that shit a bit" to get rid of it
- OTOH you also don't want to "stay there" forever cuz what you feed grows

So yeah I understand your perspective mang.  And once the "emotional healing" is through, then of course we just move on.  The past is only important as far as it affects the present.