THE FORUMS

October 21st, 2017
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LeftHand

LeftHand

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Join Date: 11/12/2007 | Posts: 1104

UtopiaFive wrote:
rab condom and place over kok.  

20. Bang.   
Lol
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"One of the illusions of life is that the present hour is not the
critical, decisive hour. Write it on your heart that every day is the
best day in the year. No man has learned anything rightly, until he
knows that every day is Doomsday"
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
FR's detailing my progression
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Actually fuck it, there is no "epic 4000th or 4004th post" to be made.  

Just my individual story times.  

I'm coming to realize I was probably "the most hardcase newbie there ever was" and that's OK.  It doesn't matter whether I'm "cool" or not now because the shit still comes out every so often.  

This week I went out a bit every day.  Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday.  Granted I was "Bringing back the habit" of going out rather than straight home.  Tuesday for example I didn't even really "beast" I just drove to the bars after gym, around bar time, and then went to a restaurant, ate a huge post-workout meal.  Rest of the week I was "out for real."  Really though, I probably did something like 2 or 3 approaches.  
Its hard to trace causality, but part of it was that I just felt "angry inside" and I felt also that it was inappropriate to "talk to chicks" when I'm in an angry mood.  Like they're having a fun ass time and I'm stewing in this irritiability/anger bullshit.  I couldn't really tell why it was.  

But I was noticing that I felt...fucking like...small.  Like that people would not notice me or just walk backwards into me, and all this shit.  And not even really "notice" or whatever.  

Dunno if you guys remember JFM how he used to post a lot of "weird family shit" but I guess I'm realizing that stuff is kinda relevant to me.  This week I basically told my dad "Sorry, I don't really care about your opinion right now, you trying to explain shit to me won't do anything for me."  I guess my dad has "overcontrolling tendencies" and my mom is also like this codependent anything I tell her I'm doing she always has to ask "Oh well how much did you pay for that?  You should have bought it at...  You should have done it at..."  And I'd just either ignore or get extremely pissed and yell.  

But I think I've come to the conclusion "Nah man...I really AM alone in this world.  I can't depend on anyone else, even my parents.  I shouldn't even be nice to them or bend over backwards when I don't feel like it."  I think part of me used to think shit like "Well I have to live up to their expectations still, after all, one day they'll die and leave me and my brother their money."  But even that, whatever, I realize, is ridiculous.  Its the same reason my dad can do whatever the fuck he wants and my mom is a lot less "free" than him, because she's financially plus emotionally dependent on him.  I guess I've been realizing...I still depend on his validation and approval and praise.  The thing is, he just doesn't really give it.  

And I realize this stuff is just "fucked up low-level family dynamics."  On the outside, its not even "that bad."  

But hey, if someone like me, when I was 24, watched something like Blueprint Decoded, and just felt a feeling of such happiness, goodness, validation, I really see it as 100% coming down to the "unconditional love and acceptance" from Tyler.  That's something I never got from my parents really.  It was always like "you need to X" or "you need to Y" followed by me getting exremely frustrated and irritated, and even though they were right, getting mad because "they were a shitty role model for it anyway."  

I always remember this time I was sitting on my computer when my dad had guests over and he comes up and tells me "Its as if you don't even know how to have a normal conversation."  

The funny thing is "I didn't."  I didn't even respond to the comment from my dad because I wanted to say that shit...yet I knew I'd cry if I did.  And "how gay would that be, huh?"  Even now as I type this shit, I reconnect to that helpless little fucking kid and those sad emotions of being a misunderstood kid.  

I guess this is where I didn't even really know that at 28 I was still dependent on my parents in some way.  Emotionally I guess.  I remember recently having some sort of a shift in my vision of how RSD looked to me, and I guess I had gone from that dependent to independent view of pickup and RSD, and I guess I'm lucky to have always kinda seen between the lines (read: being mistrusting in general) but now I do feel like I REALLY understand the "system" that is RSD -- and yeah, it is a system, like a family system, with dynamics of its own...there's a reason for the epic fanboyism and extreme validation issues here, I think I totally understand that "bootcamp high" thing now, basically its that "validation is a drug" and you seriously get way more of that "from the instructor...if you ended up getting that high" than you ever got in your life.  The funny thing is RSD has its own set of social dynamics within it.  

Anyway, Saturday I decided that this "bullshit of being in a bad mood but knowing that if I just got laid it'd get better for a minute" so I started thinking "What the fuck".  Actually Friday night I stayed up super late, did some reading about this "Deep psychology bullshit" on stuff like codependence, fear of abandonment (which is a big cause of neediness really), a lot of weird stuff like transactional analysis, addictions, emotional wounding, etc.  If you're curious about that stuff or think it might apply to you, check out "Finding your own northstar" in a bookstore, and go to the chapter called "Soul Shrapnel" where theres a questionaire that helps you find out "are you emotionally wounded and what should you do about it?"

I'd type out the questions but meh I'm not a hero.  Go figure it out yourself if you think its relevant.  

I personally am gonna have to muck around with this shit a little bit.  But that's aight.  It'll be worth it.  I'm really starting to see how "just doing pickup" without dealing with those deeper issues has kinda been a band-aid type deal for quite a while.  

Some of the shit I'll probably end up going through are like the Forum, seeing a therapist for a little while, and I actually might even check out Scientology's version of "therapy" though I guess realistically that shit's probably as expensive as therapy.  Follow in Tom Cruise and Will Smiths steps there.  Steve Pavlina said he'd checked it out as well back in the day.  People into it obviously don't believe they're in some "weird cult" so hey it'd be interested to look at their shit and see what its actually all about.  That's probably not  something I'll actually do since I have plenty of other stuff to play with but who knows?

I found some website by the way that also talks about these issues: internet-of-the-mind.com.  I thought it was pretty interesting and helped me understand my shit better.  Basically things I didn't even KNOW affect me.  Like if I told you to "list out your beliefs" anything you tell me will be stuff you are already AWARE OF.  Even in Personal Deveopment, we have some beliefs we are NOT AWARE OF.  (This I get from Bill Harris the holosync guy, he has some audio programs too, seemed OK though I just glossed some shit when falling asleep heh.)  

Also I found some pickup coach talking about codependence and got his $10 ebook.  Its based on cognitive behavior therapy and changing your beliefs.  Its actually pretty good.  Anytime you see yourself "feeling bad" you ask "what kinds of thoughts am I thinking, that are causing this?"  And then you find the "limiting belief" this thought comes from.  

You basically have to ask yourself shit like "Based on how I'm acting, what must I believe?"  

That shits on innergamepower.com, I'd recommend it too.  Guy sounds gay when he talks but his info in the book is useful.  Uhh also the idea of "you're alwyas seeing shit through a lens, change your lens, figure out what your lens is, based on the situation, and your resulting emotion, what must hte lens be?"  Example is "guy comes in set.  Do you get mad?  This means your lens says 'the guy is trying to amog me' but if your lens says 'its her brother' you just stay cool and still feel good and like you own the girl."  

Uhm but yeah yesterday I was texting Buddhagames and he was making some comment like "I need to figure out [blah]."  I instinctively start to respond w some shit as if its so common sense, and then ask myself...
Damn why is it that when SOMEONE ELSE has some "issue" (he wasn't really asking for help but i just interpreted it that way actually -- this stuff is why I say I have codependent tendencies, that I can have stuff of my own to take action on when I excitedly respond to someone else or help someone else out first...of course yes we're all human and wanna help each other, so there's truth in both sides of the coin here) yet for ME its something "deeper" or "a special case" or whatever the fuck.  

I basically realized "Nobody can give me shit, that I can't give myself."  Be that 
- certainty
- love
- happiness
- significance
- trust
- an understanding of the world and how it works
- an understanding of me and how I work

Its all up to fucking me.  Me.  Me.  Me.  

And I realized this little truth.  I need to focus 100% of my energy really on me.  

I had a blast of a night last night, hitting up lots of shit, getting almost choked by a jealous husband, wearing a voice recorder and mic (and somehow every girl wanted to tear of my shirt...one girl is all "what is that?" pointing to the well hidden mic, I'm all "uhh my heart thing" surprised that recovered like that heh).  Got red bull poured on me by some asian and I went Tom Cruise on her ass.  



Not as well as Tom Cruise but hey now that I seen this video I will improve that.  

Which is acutally damn money cuz I always see fuckin dudes get shit done like this to them by girls and then they never respond.  Like laugh and run away "blow outttt" but its like...nooo.  What the fuck.  Why would you do that?  Why would you do that?  You're a jerk.  

LOL unfortunately that part of my audio cut out since my mic came off earlier when I was molesting a fatty, didn't realize til a few minuts later.  

Anyway, as usual, all inner game, zero percent outer game here.  Because THATS THE GAME.  Like what, no need to be learning how to fuckin baby steps no more.  

BTW my one takeaway was "talking too fast!"  Will make that the next 2 weeks habit.  TALK SLOW.  
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Ballgames

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Join Date: 07/25/2011 | Posts: 2471

Ooooo yeahhhh boi

I'm posting this as I'm about to come up to sf...
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90 Days Challenge (Currently in the Final Third): "It's Just Something You Have To Do If You Want To Be Great"     http://www.rsdnation.com/node/233192/forum  The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars A man may fall down many times, but he won't be a f ailure until he says someone pushed him" Buddha
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Sunday was cool.  

Out w BuddhaGames and Spike and Sam in the Marina.  

I was trying to focus on figuring out the "limiting belief" behind any lack of proper action tonight.  

Actually kept finding that I overvalued "hotter chicks" (no surprise here) and actually had some "put em on the pedastal" shit.  Like stuff that I KNOW I'll do on a less hawt looking girl I'll hesitate and go in weaker with on a better looking girl.  Got the reference point that I could "open hard" (though still not quite the legitimate followthrough right now) on hotter girls.  

Glad to have another night of not just choding again.  
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Ballgames

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Join Date: 07/25/2011 | Posts: 2471

Yooo

WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE HOTTIE?
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90 Days Challenge (Currently in the Final Third): "It's Just Something You Have To Do If You Want To Be Great"     http://www.rsdnation.com/node/233192/forum  The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars A man may fall down many times, but he won't be a f ailure until he says someone pushed him" Buddha
My review of training with Manwhore.org
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LethalLex

LethalLex

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Join Date: 11/20/2010 | Posts: 1093

That was actually a pretty epic 4000th post. I like seeing the deeper kind of thoughts that guys who've been doing this for a long time have. It's more interesting than a "5 steps to becoming a pimp" post or whatever.
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

So weird.  

The "hottie" mentioned by Buddhagames was indeed a fucking hottie.  

I was talking to (or at) Spike and I see this super hot girl making some cute face at me from like 10 feet away.  I wait a sec, then walk up.  

"That was adorable."  

She has an extremely hard handshake.  I comment on this.  She tells me some gibberish about how she used to sell cars or something, like right out of high school.  I ask something dumb like oh what kind of cars as she keeps talking.  I'm not paying attention to anything except for a funny feeling that I can't really place.  

Within a few minutes I've started doing "the kino escalation stack" since whatever, she's seeming kind of drunk, whatevs.  Then she says something like "Y'know, I just broke up with my boyfriend like a week ago" or something.  I ask if she's planning on dumping a lot of emotional baggage on me.  (In the past I would usually just say something like "cool" to be like "non-judgemental" or something.)  

We split up for like a minute.  And then I grab her, and its like it was the beginning of the approach all over again, as she says "Hmm...I knoooow you from somewhere."  

A lot of people reading this might think "What's the big deal?  Its just a drunk chick..."

Well, here's the "big deal" -- I've been reading a bit about "codependence" and how it seems like I end up in a lot of situations like that.  A big thing that strikes me as odd when I read that stuff is how codependence INITIALLY was "discovered" in psychology because of people who are either children of or married to alcoholics.  I found it weird when reading a lot of that shit how "well my parents never were alcoholics or anything so I wonder if this is really applicable to me."  

Then when I realized how fucking plastered this girl was, how many "super drunk chicks" have kind of like "sucked me in, emotionally."  For some reason, it was always the most fucked up and girls who drink a fuckton who, once I've banged em, I got that sucked in emotionally shit going on.  Not even really neediness.  More like I think I'm gonna be her fucking hero.  Even one GF who wasn't like a drunk as fuck slut, there still was that "white knight gonna save me from my shitty life" mentality.  

And its funny cuz, "I get it" -- its like the "drama" of the situatoin makes it more interesting than like "Oh yeah she went to Stanford, has a law degree, makes 30k a month and has a nice condo here in SF" -- in fact "that stuff" -- the superficial success stuff -- I actually DEEP DOWN HATE...because its what my parents would think of as THE REAL SHIT and well...I wanted to not be like them.  But instead of "be like person X" or "don't be like person Y" its time for me to really know what I want to be like, period.  Not in relation to anyone or anything.  

Anyway.  The point is not whether or not its cool to bang drunk sluts.  Drunk sluts are great.  I'm just glad to see this little "issue" of how it really is the drunk sluts that call out to me to come and save them.  

That's why this book "Boundaries" that Konstantine selected for the RSD book club is gonna be the shit.  Read chapter one last night and am really diggin it...even though it has Christian references all over :-)  
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Ballgames

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Join Date: 07/25/2011 | Posts: 2471

Did you bang her dude?

Stop being a fag and telllll usssss!

She was a stunner, in my books, folks

Like I was doin my thing with a pretty fuckin hot little asian girl and then when I was done and saw U5 with this chick I STILLLL was jealous as fuck.
__________________
90 Days Challenge (Currently in the Final Third): "It's Just Something You Have To Do If You Want To Be Great"     http://www.rsdnation.com/node/233192/forum  The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars A man may fall down many times, but he won't be a f ailure until he says someone pushed him" Buddha
My review of training with Manwhore.org
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Hah.  Dude this girl was DRUNK AS FUCK.  

As I said after she turned around for 1 minute she CLEARLY DIDNT REMEMBER WHO I WAS.  I'm not interested in interpreting that as a "shit test."  Really was a weird fucking dynamic there.  

This kinda chick is exactly my kryptonite.  I'm like a big fucking bear, and she's like a beehive full of honey.  Except I know I'd keep eating that honey for a month or two KNOWING there was a grenade ready to explode in my face somewhere in that honeypot.  Its like fucking cocaine man.  

Short answer, did not hit it.  
Buddhagames wrote:
Did you bang her dude?

Stop being a fag and telllll usssss!

She was a stunner, in my books, folks

Like I was doin my thing with a pretty fuckin hot little asian girl and then when I was done and saw U5 with this chick I STILLLL was jealous as fuck.
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Ballgames

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Join Date: 07/25/2011 | Posts: 2471

Oh...

Damn- i had no clue she was that drunk. I was blinded by her hotness.
__________________
90 Days Challenge (Currently in the Final Third): "It's Just Something You Have To Do If You Want To Be Great"     http://www.rsdnation.com/node/233192/forum  The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars A man may fall down many times, but he won't be a f ailure until he says someone pushed him" Buddha
My review of training with Manwhore.org
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