THE FORUMS

July 16th, 2018
I'm Back
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Friday:
Accompany Owen's BC and am doing his "silent game" exercise much of the night.  Pretty damn good actually.  I learned that when I'm not "emotionally strong" I'll start to feel uncomfortable with the eye contact, then have the URGE to cover it up by SAYING DUMB SHIT.  Aka reactive, reactive to my own emotional state, rather than expressive.  Also it forces me to be more PHYSICAL with my own body and EMOTIONAL and expressive with the face, something I know I can definitely use a ton more of.  
Also impressive how the night is just fun fun fun fun for Owen, and it feels like I'll be trying to ride on that same emotional wavelength which kills ya as it can make you feel more "trying."  
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Oh also realize wasn't so focused on "sex" this evening.  
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Just heard the line
"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."
in the song "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" by Stars.

And weirdly enough I just opened up the Google Video copy of the movie Waking Dead suggested by Nerdsaver and felt a twinge of emotion on the scene where the guy was just chatting all casually then burned himself alive.  

Guess its another day telling myself "You don't really fucking matter."  
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Whoa...
dang sad...actually...

When I Was in Miami I actually ran into some guy I started talking to when I was out solo back here in SF...it was actually like...lol...half interest from some girl as she starts saying something to friends, so I turn aside and see this guy and say "I'm pretending I actually have friends as I'm hitting on this chick right here blah blah blah."  I've since added him on facebook but never saw him again.  So yeah, saw him in Miami, and now I'm looking at his facebook, and just a ton of pics of him wiht his guy friends.  Like a group of like 5-6 guys.  Only guys.  In all pics.  

I dunno why, it brings a tear to my eye.  Like full sad.  
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Electric

Electric

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Join Date: 07/24/2008 | Posts: 700

UtopiaFive wrote:
now I'm looking at his facebook, and just a ton of pics of him wiht his guy friends.  Like a group of like 5-6 guys.  Only guys.  In all pics.  

I dunno why, it brings a tear to my eye.  Like full sad.  
Brings a tear to my eye that your checking out his facebook to begin with.
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

OK, phone call with Brad was pretty damn good today.  Perhaps the most useful one so far.  

Kinda gave some good perspective on recent burnout and the idea of "drawing state from within" (Owen) and "not forcing it" + "let it arise" (Julien).  Also came up stuff like intent (a reminder of the question "Why are you there in front of the girl?") needing to be a bit more clear, and needing to have my own long-term vision for where I'm going, aka needing to keep seeing personal growth in it.  

Let's see, I took some basic cliff notes here:

*** from previous guys question
- self-amusement
- start cutting threads
- hold the note, like a musician playing a guitar, it goes duuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and just holds, for a minute, etc.
- and then you own it more, turn it up, own it more, turn it up
- cut threads, next thing, cut thread, next, cut thread
- he used to stifle his fun by filtering everything through "is this cool?  is this cool?" --> seeing owen he'd pretend his open open open open was tryhard and couldn't make himself have more fun
- his #1 goal now: have fun
- no matter what it takes, if i have to do a stupid dance, if i have to take my shirt off, it will be fun

-------------------------

I described my current "issues" in game lately, which come down to:
- a recent month-long funk (which has been unwinding anyway but its still "where I'm at, where I've been")
- Miami bootcamp hearing Julien's "let it arise", "don't force stuff", "don't schtick" and so on
- Owen basically saying the last major piece of the game for me is "drawing state from within" and describing the "talk-free exercise" to demonstrate it

Brad started by asking "Well, when you're out, where's your mind at in your approaches?"
- I noted that "Well when shit was going quite a bit better, it was more sexual -- I guess lately I'm approaching from a state of apathy..." --> good to note!

Brad mentioned some shit from when he thinks he was in a similar place, where he was always
- living up to the legend
- got burnt out
- didn't think he was really growing (which is why I was actually very much considering "calling it quits")
- you need to have a reason to be going up, not because "its the thing we do" or "its a warmup set" and so on... (which again reminds me of Juliens question "Why are you going up to this girl?" before he just threw me at the next set, and Owen's question "So why exactly are you going deeper into this?")

Brad then describes "I start talking to girls to get things right for when that girl of the night is around.  I'm getting in the right headspace, dropping my reaction time, and so on, for when I see "the one".  Now, when I go out, I'm also making shit fun, doing what it takes to be having fun.  I know when I see "the right opportunity" I just take it, so this is more about letting myself create the opportunities.  Inside jokes w wings, buddies, etc.  Story about waiting outside girls bathroom, getting them close and grabbing tight then saying GO AWAY or something amusing like that.

He then talks about how usually in a new environment he'll easily get 3-5 new girls that week just by being in a new country or whatever (and yeah, I get that for sure too...2 easy in Miami, prob would have been more if I wasn't concerned with learning on bootcamp) --> but the girl doesn't know how long I've been there...why can't I always have that zeal?  

He talks about how these things like, joy, excitement, fun, are things he wants OUT OF LIFE IN GENERAL so the club is just a smaller scale version of the real world, and he wants to take these life values to the club and make them even more alive.  

The end of this was that if I keep coming up with places I want to be going personally, somethign I'm working towards, I'll keep having the enthusiasm to be moving forward.  

This makes a ton of sense, as I've realized my last 2 habits have been pretty gay, whereas the first 3 were fairly awesome...and these kinda correspond with how well shit had been going in the past.  I also remember seeing a lot of the "Whoa I am ALWAYS joking around w my friends and people at random lately, having a great time with everything" quality that Owen said "advanced guys" typically have all the time...coming out "naturally" without really reaching or trying for it before.  Will have to skim back thru my thread to see more of what I thought was allowing me to "cause it" (maybe more carefreeness as I wasn't thinking about "life decisions" like move to Vegas, switch to internet marketing, etc).  

So...
- Probably want to be seeing more fun, enthusiasm, etc.  Bringing a lot more of my own emotional energy.  
- Have better habit next round (aka starting tomorrow).  Will sleep on it, going to crash just about now.  
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

- Going to cut out pretty much all caffeine (will drink water, herbal teas, maybe green teas -- and will have like a square or 2 of dark chocolate a day max, though I'll probably just stop buying the shit once I'm through the stuff I have now).  
- Going to cut masturbation and porn out again.  Feel like I understand both sides of the fence on this "issue" but I think too much jerkin it just allows me to "when I feel bad, I can just jerk off to escape any personal discomfort."  Drawing state from porn not from within, or something silly like this.  
- Habit will probably be something "force smiling at myself in the mirror for 2 minutes" in the mornings now, and just doing a little bit of forced laughter on the drives to and from work...
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Saturday:

Thought I was making it out for some St Pattys Day Parade, apparently at 4pm there's just the remnants of the after-parade festival.  

Walking around Market St (e.g. daygame central) I was kinda out of it, start asking random chicks where this festival is supposed to be at, they don't know.  

Some fattys are chatting beside me and I say some comment, then they're like WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?  I say "I'm random man on the street, whats up?" then some weird guy in their group turns and looks at me and I see his guitar "Playin some music today eh?" and he says "I don't think we want to talk to you."  Part of me wants to say "Fine, go have a fat smelly polyamorous orgy in Oakland, I make more money than all 4 of you and your families put together" but I realize meh don't let people pull me into a state I don't really want to be in, so I just say "Cool, happy st pattys day"

Actually feel "deflated" but at the same time realize objectively "Shit is so arbitrary, the lowest value people in the world (they were like fat gross hippy people) can 'punk you' and make you feel sad."  

I walk around some more and find PD, we walk to some bar with a ridiculous line, and I decide we must go to the festival.  

Not "feeling it" but I do the "point YOU opener" a few times and can kinda see that they're like "Eh you're point wasn't QUITE good enough" (lol).  This shit so far is like my shit where the emotions aren't quite there, I'm not afraid to approach yet there's a "knowing" in me that its going to come off as creepy because my emotional state ain't right.  Gandhi once seemed to "know" this is where I'm at and said "You're afraid of being creepy, just go in as creepy as you can be."  That actually was super helpful back then, so should've realized it then.  Anyway...I was going in, get on some super cute girl who maybe was under 18 (some people seem so fucking afraid to "find out" if they're under 18 or not, which I find heroically gay), one of her friends was calling me creepy, I asked "On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy?" --> "A 9!" "What?  I'm sad...how can I get to like a 10?  What's a small thing I can do to improve it?" --> end up making out with the "You're creepy" girl (good reference point, even now...shit tests are still shit tests are still opportunities to DHV by not reacting to it).  Other friends of theirs apparently hate this, I'm not in the mood to discuss where I put my mouth (but I bet Bruce wouldha couldha shouldha closed this shit, now that I think about it lol).  

Bounce around some more, #-close some girl on her own, then random some ppl show up "Katie, si that you???" it turns out they're both BARTing to East Bay, so as I finish putting my # in her phone, I just hug and say "So to see you again too, see ya later!"  Actually was super smooth.  (Good reference point too, as I didn't even expect it to OPEN, and also that I can be spontaneously smooth even when somehow tired and so called not in the zone.)  

Go to some house party, we meet them at some bar, I again hit on so called underage girls, one girl looks 17 and I tell her "Girl...you look kinda hot..but like....pedophile hot..."  Spin hug, she insists 22, I chat up them hos a bit, but am not 100% as I'm still "Fuck is this underage..." in fact its not even that *I* thought that...its that I thought PD and/or his friends thought that...like 2-3 levels of mindreading here, lol.  


OK, get some coffee (this was my final coffee whoaaaa) and a healthy salad, and then bounce to PDs friends place.  5 dudes and a girl.  They're doing irish carbombs...OK...I get in on it, and magically "whoa I'm all loosened up" and a lot more "natural" in this environment.  (At first I felt a bit stifled n shit and after drinking w these ppl its great and more fun.)  The only reason to drink is if I'm not in the "fun zone" fo ra while, and just want a reminder.  (Seriously, if you drink, take note of your drunk mannerisms, and then just copy them when you're sober...)  

We bounce to another small house gathering, this one is like 20 dudes and 1-2 girls.  Outside I grabbed 2 girls trying to bring them in, again I'm doing 2-3 levels of mindreading being all "Damn I'm looking lame by trying to bring in some fatty (w a skinny girl)."  Yet we get in and theres 1-2 girls total.  Damn.  Should always follow my instincts.  Fuck the crowd, the crowd'll always be happier in the end when I follow my instincts anyway.  (Really would have been way better if I fucked this fatty or skinny girl at the house party.)

We leave again, go towards polk st, stop at mcdonalds (I have my infamouse no bread no cheese mcdoubles and iced tea...my last caffeinated tea), and I find myself performing my first ever drunk armbar on PD, hilarious.  Makes me realize "Fuck, gotta get back into BJJ."  I miss that shit a ton.  

Anyway, we get to bar, and I'm GONE.  I'm too tired and weak to do shit.  Have become a bitch, a fully weak-willed individual, at this point.  I talk to random girls, some shit is OK, but I'm feeling this "OK, if I cna get people liking me, I'll feel better in this environment, yeahhhh..." --> no, can't do it.  lol.  Get a beer, maybe this'll help, right?  Brian wants to go to mission, we do.  I am a badass because I just stand around the entrance waiting waiting waiting looking at my phone, and I see the bouncer move for 2 minutes, so I walk up to the ATM, pretending to wait in line for $$$, then I just walk in.  $20 cover not paid by me.  I'm so cool and stealthy.  Walk around do some sets, but its same as earlier.  Not fun.  

Walk outside.  Going to grab BART home.  Some person is rolling their car window down, some girl.  Oh wait, as she's asking some shit, its not a girl, its a tranny!  Oh yeah, as I write this I'm amused, but as this occured, I was rather sad.  Tranny asks if I want a massage pointing to my cock.  I end up getting a st pattys day tranny bj, then being disgusted with what I had just allowed to occur, I go and buy some shitty street food just to double up on awesomeness, and go home and sleep.  

Happy bday!  (Its my bday)

A reminder of all the things I don't want at all:
- caring if hippys are rude to me
- needing people around me to allow me to 'do shit'
- being afraid to make out with possibly underage girls
- irish carbombs
- getting wasted
- all guy houseparties
- shitty food
- tranny bjs

Hurray to hitting the lowpoint.  

Sunday:

Go hang out with girl in Oakland, eat some tacos, be cold, go back to her place and bang bang bang.  Uh, "Ah, yes, cum in me" doesn't mean she's on the pill, I learn.  Cool story bro!  
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Doge~

Doge~

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Join Date: 09/19/2007 | Posts: 3689

Oh man. I want to offer advice, but I'm afraid you're just going to resist it. I know if I was in your shoes, that's probably what would happen.

But damn dude, I fucking see it. By some random stroke of luck you're going to hit that epiphany and see what's been wrong this whole time.

I think maybe this is just a process you have to go through. Like don't rush the process, just trust the journey.

Anyways good luck man, I rooting for you.
__________________
   Wow.
                   Such game.
Much improve.
                              So amaze.
                 Wow.
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UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

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Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

What's ur advice
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