THE FORUMS
Very Solo - Very Lost - Need Help Getting Started
Well, for your particular situation I would say that you need to focus less on nightlife and more on just cultivating relationships as a part of your everyday existence.
If your job isn't bringing you into contact with people with whom you could form friendships, then it's your time off that's really going to count in this area, and that doesn't just mean going out and "raging it" every weekend (although that can be a part of it). Do as much of your "at-home" work and recreation in public places (cafes are great for this) as you can. The idea is this: the more time you spend in any given day around other people, the more opportunities for connections there will be in your life, and the more socially savvy you will become. This concept is similar to the "proactive" vs. "reactive" social strategies that Tyler speaks about in The Blueprint.
If you make the decision to work out for a certain amount of time each day, you'll get stronger over time, and as you internalize the idea that working out is a pleasant, rewarding experience, you'll no longer have to worry about staying in shape - the habits you implement will take care of your progress without conscious effort. Similarly, if you make the decision to talk to five new people every day, you'll slowly internalize a more sociable personality, and relationships are going to start coming into your life without thought. However, just like going to the gym, if you aren't currently exercising your social "muscles," the first few days are going to be hard, because you'll feel awkward, clumsy, and generally incompetent. Getting through this phase is the toughest part, but it's what separates the people who succeed from those who don't. Over time, it gets easier and easier, until you no longer have to "do" anything; talking to the people you encounter simply becomes a natural extension of your personality.
Don't think that bars and clubs are your only option for socialization and meeting women. The reason these two venues are so popular in pickup is that they are the perfect storm for getting laid:
- girls everywhere,
- alcohol in abundance, and
- a fun vibe in which people can cut loose.
There are plenty of other places to meet people. You can literally talk to anyone, anywhere, and as long as you keep the vibe calm and casual, most people are going to be open to your communication. I think that it's really easy to find yourself "disconnected" and "isolated" from the rest of the world when you become successful enough to have everything you need for survival available to you privately. No need to take the bus; you have a car. No need to go out for entertainment; you've got everything you want at home. What you'll find, though, is that you'll miss out on the feelings of connectedness that you get from going out and engaging with other people. My dad is very much like this. He's extremely successful and has everything he needs on a financial level, but as a result, he tends to view interacting with the outside world as more of a burden than a blessing. That's why getting what you want can be a double-edged sword; you just might lose yourself in your private life and opt out of the world in which everyone else is living.
Try not to worry too much about going out to bars and clubs and "getting krunk." It's great practice for dealing with social adversity (particularly when you're new), but by no means are these the only venues in which it's socially acceptable to approach and converse with people. Anytime you're waiting in line for something, make a habit of talking to the person next to you. If you're walking down the street and you pass someone, say hello. It doesn't have to be any more complex than that. You're not trying to instantly become some sort of social superhero overnight; this is about little decisions that you make on a daily basis that ultimately will make you a naturally social entity in the world. Many of these interactions will be mere seconds long. Others might be a few minutes, and some might even last an hour or so. By talking to tons of people, you'll not only be developing your social skills, but opening yourself up to opportunities to forge relationships. I met one of my best lifelong friends by randomly starting a conversation at a bus stop. You never know what you have in common with anybody until you start a conversation and express yourself to them. You know how most people appear aloof and slightly snobbish when they're going about their business or waiting for something? Most of the time, they themselves are just stifled and exactly as nervous to talk to you as you are to talk to them. When you approach someone and "open" them in conversation, you're giving them the (socially-conditioned) reason that they need to talk to you without feeling judged. That in itself is a perfect example of what it means to come from a "value-giving" mindset. You don't really want anything from anybody; you just enjoy a personal connection and acknowledge that friends can be found anytime, anywhere. You understand that most people are too shy themselves to do what you're doing, and by taking that risk (particularly with women), you're offering the value of emotional security and good conversation in your presence. You expect people to be happy to speak to you, but when they don't express that, you don't really worry about it, because you know that in the big picture, one negative reaction means nothing, and says nothing about who you are.
Don't worry too much about "building a social network," "getting with a bunch of girls," or "being a huge pimp at the club." Instead, just take every person as he/she comes and enjoy the interaction for what it is. Most people find it difficult to recall the exact circumstances in which they met their friends, because it happens spontaneously and without warning. Every single person that you see on a daily basis has the potential to be a great friend and a fantastic connection; you just have to be willing to put yourself out there.
If your job isn't bringing you into contact with people with whom you could form friendships, then it's your time off that's really going to count in this area, and that doesn't just mean going out and "raging it" every weekend (although that can be a part of it). Do as much of your "at-home" work and recreation in public places (cafes are great for this) as you can. The idea is this: the more time you spend in any given day around other people, the more opportunities for connections there will be in your life, and the more socially savvy you will become. This concept is similar to the "proactive" vs. "reactive" social strategies that Tyler speaks about in The Blueprint.
If you make the decision to work out for a certain amount of time each day, you'll get stronger over time, and as you internalize the idea that working out is a pleasant, rewarding experience, you'll no longer have to worry about staying in shape - the habits you implement will take care of your progress without conscious effort. Similarly, if you make the decision to talk to five new people every day, you'll slowly internalize a more sociable personality, and relationships are going to start coming into your life without thought. However, just like going to the gym, if you aren't currently exercising your social "muscles," the first few days are going to be hard, because you'll feel awkward, clumsy, and generally incompetent. Getting through this phase is the toughest part, but it's what separates the people who succeed from those who don't. Over time, it gets easier and easier, until you no longer have to "do" anything; talking to the people you encounter simply becomes a natural extension of your personality.
Don't think that bars and clubs are your only option for socialization and meeting women. The reason these two venues are so popular in pickup is that they are the perfect storm for getting laid:
- girls everywhere,
- alcohol in abundance, and
- a fun vibe in which people can cut loose.
There are plenty of other places to meet people. You can literally talk to anyone, anywhere, and as long as you keep the vibe calm and casual, most people are going to be open to your communication. I think that it's really easy to find yourself "disconnected" and "isolated" from the rest of the world when you become successful enough to have everything you need for survival available to you privately. No need to take the bus; you have a car. No need to go out for entertainment; you've got everything you want at home. What you'll find, though, is that you'll miss out on the feelings of connectedness that you get from going out and engaging with other people. My dad is very much like this. He's extremely successful and has everything he needs on a financial level, but as a result, he tends to view interacting with the outside world as more of a burden than a blessing. That's why getting what you want can be a double-edged sword; you just might lose yourself in your private life and opt out of the world in which everyone else is living.
Try not to worry too much about going out to bars and clubs and "getting krunk." It's great practice for dealing with social adversity (particularly when you're new), but by no means are these the only venues in which it's socially acceptable to approach and converse with people. Anytime you're waiting in line for something, make a habit of talking to the person next to you. If you're walking down the street and you pass someone, say hello. It doesn't have to be any more complex than that. You're not trying to instantly become some sort of social superhero overnight; this is about little decisions that you make on a daily basis that ultimately will make you a naturally social entity in the world. Many of these interactions will be mere seconds long. Others might be a few minutes, and some might even last an hour or so. By talking to tons of people, you'll not only be developing your social skills, but opening yourself up to opportunities to forge relationships. I met one of my best lifelong friends by randomly starting a conversation at a bus stop. You never know what you have in common with anybody until you start a conversation and express yourself to them. You know how most people appear aloof and slightly snobbish when they're going about their business or waiting for something? Most of the time, they themselves are just stifled and exactly as nervous to talk to you as you are to talk to them. When you approach someone and "open" them in conversation, you're giving them the (socially-conditioned) reason that they need to talk to you without feeling judged. That in itself is a perfect example of what it means to come from a "value-giving" mindset. You don't really want anything from anybody; you just enjoy a personal connection and acknowledge that friends can be found anytime, anywhere. You understand that most people are too shy themselves to do what you're doing, and by taking that risk (particularly with women), you're offering the value of emotional security and good conversation in your presence. You expect people to be happy to speak to you, but when they don't express that, you don't really worry about it, because you know that in the big picture, one negative reaction means nothing, and says nothing about who you are.
Don't worry too much about "building a social network," "getting with a bunch of girls," or "being a huge pimp at the club." Instead, just take every person as he/she comes and enjoy the interaction for what it is. Most people find it difficult to recall the exact circumstances in which they met their friends, because it happens spontaneously and without warning. Every single person that you see on a daily basis has the potential to be a great friend and a fantastic connection; you just have to be willing to put yourself out there.
Hi there. I'm 35 and did not really start going out until I was 33 (married young). I can tell you I've mostly been with 22-26 year olds, and age has never been a big issue. I'm certainly not a pimp. Most these girls were cool, but 7-8s. The things that really worked for me were finding a good social group, great wings, and online dating. Social circle game is a bit slow and limited, but you'll already have rapport. Online game is low risk and easy, but the hotties are definitely getting bombarded.
Go out. You don't have to drink. Talk to everyone, not just the girls you find attractive. You're not creepy because you're 34.
Get involved. Try pickup or social sports leagues. Take some classes.
These things are not easy, and do take time. Becoming more social and involved with the world around you is very rewarding in and of itself.
While I've definitely picked up useful tidbits on RSD and a few other places, I learned the most from going out. Personally, I needed a social crutch to get started, but have found I can do quite well alone.
Mostly I'm writing this to say I've been there. You're not alone. It gets better.
I'm not the one to give pickup advice, but would be happy to answer more specific questions about the transitions I've made. What has worked for me.
Good luck.
Go out. You don't have to drink. Talk to everyone, not just the girls you find attractive. You're not creepy because you're 34.
Get involved. Try pickup or social sports leagues. Take some classes.
These things are not easy, and do take time. Becoming more social and involved with the world around you is very rewarding in and of itself.
While I've definitely picked up useful tidbits on RSD and a few other places, I learned the most from going out. Personally, I needed a social crutch to get started, but have found I can do quite well alone.
Mostly I'm writing this to say I've been there. You're not alone. It gets better.
I'm not the one to give pickup advice, but would be happy to answer more specific questions about the transitions I've made. What has worked for me.
Good luck.
__________________
Thanks. I appreciate it. I do try to talk to people wherever I'm at, and usually I can say hi, or remember a name from a previous encounter, or be friendly. Getting to any next step is a hurdle, and I have no idea what to do from "hi." Any thoughts on that are appreciated too.
Kyng7
Respected Member
Join Date: 07/07/2011 | Posts: 551
I'm single, 34, decent looking, in good, not great, shape. A professional who dresses well and makes a good living, drives a nice car. The problem mostly is that I am in Oklahoma and I am very solo. Most people my age don't even go out - they're all tired of the parking, cover charges, and BS you get from loud, noisy, hyped up rooms filled with 18 year old kids that think you're old and/or creepy. Fine.
So what do I do? I've started frequenting a few places for lunch and happy hour, trying to meet a crowd or become familiar with the waitresses or the regulars, but I can tell this is going to be a long process. I'm just starting, so going out to clubs or bars at night alone is daunting - largely because I know I'll blow $40 drinking, sit at the bar all night like the lonely alone guy with no friends, and go home risking a DUI.
So what do I do? Where do I start so that I can build some momentum and even begin to HAVE a network of people to be around and start meeting girls? I'd really appreciate some thoughts.
Kyng