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January 24th, 2017
How to behave when you are visibly highly nervous and inexperienced?
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jdbslkhsldf

Senior Member

Join Date: 01/16/2011 | Posts: 107

Most advice here and elsewhere is for people who can give a "cool vibe" and convincingly act like nothing is "a big deal" and can also risk catastrophic failure because they can go somewhere where the resulting chatter cannot follow them.
I am highly and visibly nervous in social situations, have little social experience (I was an involuntary loner since kindergarten age) and zero dating experience, while my age is approaching fourty (so I am at an age where beginners errors and juvenile awkwardness are no longer excusable). I don't need some kind of "mad success rates". My goal is to have a normal social and dating life. I need some ways to have conversations make friendships and maybe get a date besides these highly visible shortcomings. I have found nothing on the net that applies to my situation. Do you have anything?
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#1
Jforch

Jforch

Respected Member

Join Date: 08/22/2006 | Posts: 820

one trick is to overact it sometimes. say "where do i put my hands" and hold them up like will ferrell.

Also trust me its good to have this problem because you are soon going to learn how to look like you got your shit together. when  you learn to be confident most of the time and something flusters you then you'll know exactly how to fake it perfectly. People who started confident and get flustered just lose their shit because they dont know what to do with the feeling and how to fake it well.

so learn it while your there
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#2
Cupcakes

Cupcakes

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/14/2010 | Posts: 1274

Of course you'll be nervous and you'll suck at first, everyone (nearly everyone) does, you just have to suck it up and tough it out and you'll be desensitised to it.
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CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN?
GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND TALK TO THEM.
FAILURE IS THE ONLY WAY TO SUCCEED.
EMBRACE THAT OR BE A LOSER.
YOUR CHOICE.
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#3
Jack of Hearts

Jack of Hearts

Trusted Member

Join Date: 01/14/2008 | Posts: 1042

Goon wrote:
fake it till you make it
nah, I'd say don't resist it. if you try to suppress it, fake it, you'll be adding layers upon layers of anxiety. just let it all come out and learn not to give a fuck how you come across. a little bit of anxiety or nervousness really isn't such a big deal, it's not like be nervous for one second and the girl suddenly loses all attraction.
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#4
Radikal

Radikal

Trusted Member

Join Date: 01/29/2008 | Posts: 1235

You can build social skills outside of clubs and bars. No need to approach hottest girls either. Talk to everybody during your day, exchange a few extra words with the cashier girl, etc. Step by step. Dont take yourself seriously.

One question, you prefer being alone for the rest of your life to having several ugly interactions in the beginning while you learn?
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There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction. - John F. Kennedy
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#5
Abower

Abower

Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/26/2007 | Posts: 1762

Put yourself out there. Give people permission to look at you and tell you what they think. Learn to laugh about your shortcomings. One day it won't be a big deal anymore.

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"Sipping water in the hardest clubs with the hottest girls brah."
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#6
LeftHand

LeftHand

Trusted Member

Join Date: 11/12/2007 | Posts: 1104

10pin! I didn't know you were still around =D.

If you're anything like me, your first approaches will suck, hard. It only gets easier. I spent 4-6 nights a week for five months hitting on around 1700 girls, and I went from positively terrified of approaching girls, to feeling like a total boss in bars and clubs and pulling hot girls once every two weeks.

When I started I didn't know that I would even be able to force myself to approach on a regular basis, even though I knew that was the only way to get good. I wanted to so badly but I thought my intense fear would always get the best of me. Over the next four weeks I went from one girl a night, to five, to 12, to 20, to 40. Night to night I would fluctuate back and forth between high and low numbers of approaches but eventually I got to the point where once I got the first couple out of the way there was little stopping me. Over the next few months there were many times where I would wonder how badly I'm destroying my reputation, how creepy I looked, how I don't think that I'm improvinig at all. A few nights I was scared enough that I would just sit on a curb or in my car away from the bars because despite knowing that I needed to go approach to get better, I was too scared and knew I was going to bomb. On closer inspection though, random peoples' impressions of you matter very little, and I was improving extremely quickly if I looked back at how my level of social anxiety diminished.

However you're feeling in the moment, be completely honest about it, you'll find out quickly that simply by saying everything that is on your mind without filtering, girls will be attracted to you. As soon as you start throwing stuff out of your mind because it's not good enough to say, you'll see the girl get weirded out or lose interest, in that way it becomes apparent that it's all about about emotion, not the words(you have to see this for yourself to get it). Thus it follows that you should go make yourself do as many approaches as you can, and say whatever is on your mind, even if it's "I'm really nervous right now, I think you're really cute but I don't have any idea what to say". I said that, almost verbatim, and kept rambling, to an extremely hot girl in San Diego, she gave me puppy dog eyes in about a minute, you don't have to be extremely confident, although it helps, but you do have to be completely real. The confidence and comfort  comes with time.

You're going to suck at first, you're going to have to suck for a few months, learn to laugh at your mistakes and keep going, I can't even express how worth it it is.
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"One of the illusions of life is that the present hour is not the
critical, decisive hour. Write it on your heart that every day is the
best day in the year. No man has learned anything rightly, until he
knows that every day is Doomsday"
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
FR's detailing my progression
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#7

Bulrathi

Respected Member

Join Date: 08/03/2010 | Posts: 503

 Go out to the mall, ask for directions/time/best movie to watch many times a day, everyday. That's how I did it
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#8

FlawedUnnatural

Junior Member

Join Date: 10/10/2012 | Posts: 8

 
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