THE FORUMS

December 6th, 2016
Shifting your focus: Authenticity
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Macavity

Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/25/2009 | Posts: 2511

 I initially got into game to pull and have sex, not to get approval or validation. Its like somewhere along the lines my focus shifted.

Your not going out to ‘gain’ attraction or get attraction from a girl, you’re going out to pull. That’s it, your focus is on pulling not gaining attraction. Otherwise you start changing your behaviours and putting on a shtick for every time a girl doesn’t give you attraction in hopes of the next girl giving you a good reaction. Some other guys would relate to this as ‘you’re just enjoying the girl in front of you’ instead of trying to get something from her like approval or validation. So yeah, you can focus on attraction and what not but the main message is to not focus on getting approval, recognition, reactions or validation.

I now get why the worst and the most annoying identity to have is a ‘pick-up artist’ because you’re the only guy that will change himself to try to attract girls, girls that you don’t even like, ones that’s you’re not even into. Would you care about her reactions and your self-image if you were going to have sex at the end of the night?‘Trying’ to attract a girl is lame because like I said, you end up putting up a front to ‘be’ more attractive. You end up change your behaviour in subtle ways and have this weird shlack of neediness, this weird antsy-ness in your behaviour.

Ever seen a girls reaction when she can tell you have this certain ‘antsy-ness’ of wanting her approval or recognition? Its this weird feeling of constantly being on the edge and not just comfortable with yourself. You get this same icky feeling when someone’s constantly seeking a reaction from you. You can’t force someone like you. I mean why would you even want to? That weird antsy-ness of trying to get a chick who doesn’t like you into you is only comes from a place of scarcity. You will not act that way when you have an abundance of women.

A girl either likes you or she doesn’t. Don’t try to control her and force it. Of course however, in the long run you’ll grow to become a better more attractive guy through taking action. A lot of the times though the contextual dynamic comes into play, a lot of the time it’s the girls fault not yours. Something’s up with her, bad night, break up, girl problems etc. Things that have no bearing on who you are. Trying to do something or changing something to get someone to like you = not being enough. Not believing or knowing that you are enough. Not everyone is going to like you. Go after the girls that do like you. It’s a numbers game. Find the girls that are into you and pull them. Funnily enough when you stop trying changing yourself, when you stop putting up a front, when you believe that your enough and you start being you, that’s when you start enjoying going out and start having fun. And coincidently, that’s when you’ll have more girls into you.

Always thought it was interesting how Tyler said getting blown out isn’t a lack of value but more to do with being incongruent. Always wondered why my friends who acted like chodes wouldnt get blown out while me being all confident and shit would. They were congruent and vulnerable, I was not. And this happened consistently. Makes me think that trying to teach people or tell people to be alpha or act alpha isn’t the best way to learn game. You become a try-hard and weird. Like Ozzie says, you’re not a blank canvas. Focus on fear and through taking action change will naturally occur and you’ll be congruent with it. You’ll end up acting confident when feeling confident instead of acting confident when being nervous. Girls can sense that shit. Although sometimes girls are just plane stupid and when drunk can’t tell shit. Which ever teaching method suits you the most I guess: fake it till you make it or focusing on the process.

Caring about approval and disapproval will make you put a front on and will make you want other peoples approval and good reactions from them. And thats when you stop being real and when you just stop being yourself. External validation is counter productive. Let go of any self-image others try to impose on you. Throw of any identity others try to place onto you. That stuff will fuck with you, it will get to you and instead of being yourself, you’ll start changing the way you behave to be this guy that others supposedly see you as. You stop being relaxed and start walking around with this weird anxiousness.

Come to think of it my best nights were when I placed no expectations on myself, either to approach or to come across as attractive and was just having fun, being normal and if a girl happened to be near me then I’d talk to her. Other times when I’ve gotten drunk and tried to put on this act of being confident and shit it hasn’t worked consistently at all. You have to be cool with girls not liking you. It has no bearing on who you are (as hard as that is to believe). All it means is that you two don’t have chemistry and don’t click. Your not gonna get close to people by putting on a shtick, unless they themselves are of a similar nature. You attract what you are right? Your not gonna get along with everyone and so being vulnerable and real is the best way to find those people you click with.

Throughout the day at times ill be constantly stuck inside my head imagining that I’m this guy who acts a certain way, is super cool and everyone loves and I start trying to get those reaction in real life. When you stop caring whether the girls attracted to your or not, when you stop caring about approval, you’ll be yourself. You only put a front or a shtick on when you want something or your hiding something like an insecurity or something your shameful about, a part of your self that you don’t own or accept. When you love yourself or accept yourself, believe that you are enough…you wont end up looking for approval or love from others because you have it yourself. You only want it from others to enhance your sense of self, only because you don’t love yourself. The authentic part of you, the real part of you doesn’t even want approval in the first place.

I mean how much of society walks around this way? Pretty much everyone has grown up trying to impress others, wanting approval or recognition, not feeling as though the are enough, wanting to fit in, finding it hard to open up to others in fear of being judged, getting disapproval. Let people judge you. Allow others to judge you. Be open. Be vulnerable. Of course there’s the biological factor to it, you don’t want to be kicked out of the tribe and die but in this day and age you wont die. And if you follow the way society wants you then you’ll be living the life of what Ayn Rand calls a ‘Second Hander’ and you won’t be living an authentic life, one which you’ll enjoy so much more. Like they say, even if you meet up to societies standards you’ll still lose, still feel shit.

TL;DR – Stop trying to get approval, recognition and validation from others. It will hinder you, make you put on a front, stop you from really enjoying yourself and connecting with people. You’ll start value sucking and end up fucking up chances with girls that you really could have clicked with.
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#1
sparrow

sparrow

Member

Join Date: 08/21/2009 | Posts: 37

 all so true
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#2

Macavity

Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/25/2009 | Posts: 2511

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