Go to the usual spots today. I remember approaching nearly every spot I went to,but I don't have much a recollection of any interactions at all. I was really congruent, and went up as I've been doing recently, with all that resistance with me. It was to a point, where I wold start getting aroused with this one chick with a slamming body, but I was so stifled that I couldn't really express my intent. I was really battling myself at this MPD spot to step up, and I did. So I had 'fun' in the productivity sense. pick up was like work on this day, but these exercises are really awesome.
Same set of venues, same discipline, same type of execution. I can be an approach machine when I go up super-congruent. It's really tough, but the kicker is you aren't having much fun. That being said I take pride in stepping up to hot chicks, vulnerable as hell, and just taking the blowout. I WANT to get blown out by the hot chicks, the girls that I'm so attracted to. Kill that neediness. This one girl, however, wouldn't really budge. Most girls were dancing, the venue was packed, and I was stiff. She was really adorable...it's funny how the girls that stick around end up acting very feminine around me. She told me "i've dealt with all this bs from other guys and stuff and you're very real." I didn't qualify myself at all, but...I wanted her in hindsight, a desire I quelled. Not in a 'she'll complete me' way, but in a "wow...she gets me. and she's beautiful." i focus on my feeling when i'm interacting. staying true to that. that's what my RAS is tuned to....that being said that attraction..that raw natural attraction is ubiquitous.
Go out to the bar and watch UFC with a friend and then head to E. Village spot. Get blown out for a couple of hours, but i enjoyed it to be honest.
Really interesting night.. I hit two ends of the spectrum here.
At the first LES spot, I just pretty much talked to every girl super congruent. As I'm hanging out w/ my wing, this one girl who went up to earlier came up to me and asked me if she was intimidating. (I initially went up to her and struggled to find anything to say with a look of utmost uneasieness and consternation in my face...i then said 'i cant talk to you. i'm sorry.' and left) i told her no and just was very open about how i was. really authentic interaction, sort of like the girl a couple days ago, she was sort of fishing my personality out to try to get me to open up. she was also really feminine and attractive. Unlike the last time, i sort of let loose over time...these 'shy' approaches have helped me in not qualifying myself. it's cool to not say anything and be quiet. you don't have to qualify youself in a lull in the convo. besides, i think qualification is fucking disgusting anyway. That being said, this was more getting to know each other. eventually her friend came and took her away, and i was like 'cool/watevs.'...i like this girl, and yea i think i should have re-iniitated, but i'm also so fixed on not caring about one girl. im really process oriented...that being saiiiidd
my wing helped me realize that i'm essentially starving an egoic need of love and connection, two things i enjoy too. while these last few nights are immensely useful and valuable, i don't desire for pickup to constantly be work. I've learned lessons, and I have become more 'icy.' I'll revisit these kind of approaches later, but the question is what made me have fun at a bar?
I can say now I enjoy being an authentic pervert that acts a fool. So I need to be cool with looking try-hard sometimes, bad approaches don't reflect on who I am or my self-worth at all. I'm still the fucking man, regardless of a bad approach. I could look like the creepiest dude in the bar, but that doesn't matter, because it's not how i look at myself. i'm not the same dude that harps on a bad interaction or a good one that could've gone better. ...i just like being me. I really do. that's why there was always a silver lining on these last few nights with shitty approaches. it was like "hey man...that's pretty cool that your such a fucking pitbull at this."
Well now, I'm gonna go back to stepping up hard and being real to a girl. so the next spot i went to, i let that happen. i opened girls and at first i didn't really have the rhythm. i was forcing things and getting in my head, since i was sorta out of touch with that side of me. i did step up to this one chick pretty hard+real...i'll call it raw. fun interaction, she loved me, i sorta lost it towards the end since i questioned myself (uhh whats the right "move" now? umm its to keep doing ur thang homie). it's worth remembering that it's completely cool whatever she does,she'll most prolly want to hang around, if i'm indifferent anyway. gotta wire some more positive beliefs and investigate potential blindspots.
I haven't been updating since my lifestyle is in shit right now. Once I'm able to move out I can properly resume playing this game the way it's meant....with a real desire to take that girl home, with nothing holding you back except you.
I don't have that now. My nights out are sporadic. However, the only thing I can excercise is my ability ot take action, and that's why I take breaks from some genuine productivity that's being cultivated I've never posessed before.
That's what I did.
It's funny I didn't really entertain my social circle during semester, when I was going at this.
Now that I'm not really active in this game, I guess I'm more allowing of that aspect of "being social."
I was at a house party, and then I went to the bar with one other friend. Fucked up social circle stayed at house party and got more drunk.
I went to the bar I most frequented my senior year. It was really social-circle-y. Lots of mixed sets. But when I'm out there I gotta make things happen. Just concentrate on the open.
I talked to these two girls for a bit. One girl eventually let me isolate this girl. I really had no ...I have no intent right now. Like I would love to have it, but my personality is still stifling me. I would get the Anime Eyes, but I was frozen from going further. An obstacle I've placed for myself, essentially. It's like my body is like ENOUGH. You can't be a weekend warrior anymore. And I'm not frustrated about this. I moreso accept and embrace this reality. It's not one to sidestep, but one to overcome and improve.
I opened a couple other girls. It's interesting that the girls were all really nice and let me isolate their girl. However, again I would get in my head. When it came time to leave, we went to get some food. I started opening on the street.
Had an interesting interaction with a girl in a mixed set. It's funny that I'm opening a girl in a mixed set on a street...when I had more of an ego about my game improving, that gave me trepidation. Now it's more like, you kind of suck shit dude, but that's ok. Open and take action.
final interaction was meeting a group of 3 girls from montreal. They were pretty cool, and me and a friend led them to a house party. On the way, I was really getting unstifled talking to this chick and enjoying myself. I felt a hint of intent. I got to the place and everyone was passed out from being fucked up. The party was dead, but I brought down a bit of liquor. When I got down, the girls were sorta on one side, and a couple dudes on the other. One of the dudes was super annoying. The other is my friend that's been a cockblock for me. It's like 330 and I'm tired. So I just left without really saying anything and crashed at a friend's place. Sounds like some excuses..and they are. I don't have the drive to pursue a girl to the bitter end..because I don't have a means of getting there at the moment.
So yeah. My nights have been like this and will continue to be so until I move out. And that's gotta happen soon.
I notice I only write my FR's when something 'bad' happens. On those emotionally resonant nights that knock the wind out of you, the kind of nights that remind you that you can't derive your happiness from a girl. You can't use her as some gateway into a blissful utopia. Losing the girl does not punish you. It brings you into reality. It slaps you in the face when your eyes were glazed over, and your ego was in a vitual lala land.
That's what happened yesterday. But first, a little recapping is in order.
I went out on my birthday. I went all out and 'full chode' and brought out 20 or so friends and bought a table. It was kinda cool to be honest. I like having a lot of friends, and they sort of know that I do my own things when I go out. Either way, I was having a semi off night until I decided late in the 4th quarter (i'm talking like 4am) to hit the Warehouse Party in BK w/ Kobe.
There, we met a couple of girls. It was really on with my girl, who I thought was pretty fucking hot, and I ended up pulling her to my place. There, I was pretty aggressive with little finesse in moving things forward. I wasn't able to close, and I was pushing way too hard for it. I realized the error the day after and sort of took it as a lesson, especially after talking to Haze. He's been kicking it w Julien and tearing things up in Miami, so he's coming from a place of abundance way more than I am. It takes these kind of perspectives from the outsides to shed light in the cave that my emotions have hid under.
So over the next few days, I texted her every now and then. Little response, but I just had some 'non-needy' random non-sequitors. I texted her about a meetup on thursday, and then I called her the same day. So this is yesterday that I'm talking about. I get to the bar, and I have a friend with me. I'm approaching a bunch of girls, just pretty much getting warmed up. I'm really trying to make it a point not to want anything when approaching.
Of course she happens to be there. I run into her, and start hanging out w/ her. I dance a little bit, and eventually just sorta open up and say "hey i sorta rushed things, and i recognize that, but you seem pretty cool. so i'm fine hanging out' So yeah. This in hindsight is some chode shit, but in the moment I'm pretty authentic about it. She hangs w/ her friends for a while, I talk to the guy she was with. I'm sorta hitting up other sets w/ her in the periphery. Her friends leave, and she's alone at the bar....
I see her upstairs, and I start hanging w/ her for a bit, before she goes down. I decide that I'm not going to chase this girl to the end of the fucking earth, so I'll 'play it cool.' When I do come down, I see that she's sitting down. I start talking to her, but she talks to some black dude next to me that probably pulled her, who knows. I was pretty butthurt about it for like 2 hours, before realizing that I transferred all these positive qualtiies on her since she 'liked' me. My happiness baseline has to be derived from my own thoughts and actions, not an arbitrary whim of a 20somthing. Typing that out, that seems so lame that they could let such a meaningless opinion affect them. I'm glad this transpired. I also feel like it helped my next night
After programming class, we all go out for drinks and food. I was a bit social already heading into the venue, so it wasn't a bad transition. Tonight I really wanted to focus once again on just hitting up girls without being outcome dependent, and being in my own vibe. A lot of my approaches were far divergent from what i consider 'good.' They were actually just chill and not forceful, which made me have more fun in assuming my own vibe. Since this is now two days after Friday, my memory is a little hazy of the more granular details. However, from what I do recall, there were a couple of interactions that I could and shoudl have stayed in. I miscalibrated these situations and left the girl, when clearly it was headed in the direction of pulling.
The first interaction was with this Mexican chick that was fucking hot. Man when you're holding a girl's waste and its just tiny, that feeling just turns me on. We hung out, and I dragged her upstairs. We're talking and hanging and she sorta suggests that I hit up some other girl (shit test). So of course I oblige and that black chick totally opens up, and I'm talking to that black chick. IDIOTIC- INTRODUCE THE MEXICAN CHCIK TO THE BLACK CHICK and SHOOT THE FUCKING SHIT. Wow. That woulda made things such a win-win. Merging sets is the way to go in this situation. Instead, the Mexican chick is all let down, and leaves and I think ends up hooking up with this one black dude. That's a common motif, huh?
Another interaction happened by the bar, and this really hot white chick is all up in my grill from the beginning. I, after having a day like yesterday, had a fairly good dosage of push. So I would say things to this girl like "seriously get the fuck away from me . you're hot , fine whatever. ru even smart?", to which she'd qualify. I kept telling her to "shut up. I don't want to fucking like you." This might have been my smoothest interaction. Her friend drags her away, and she signals me to come, but I didn't continue and instead talked to other chicks.
Towards the end of the night, I was a bit more outcome dependent from early in the night. That's how my nights tend to go. Fun and lack of care in the beginning, outcome dependence sets in 1:30-3:30. It's something that I need to work on. Being emotionally resilient. I'll get this through repeated exposure, being congiscent, and meditation.
At ths point we're nearing the end of he night. Katalyst is in with his cute little burnette, and is like "yo i'm gonna pull." So I let him do his thing, and it's like 345 right now. I see an italian girl walk by hold her hand and look her in the eyes. We have light talk and we just start making out. The make out is really intense. So intense that I'm thinking we should cool it a bit, so as not to dissapate the tension. But then she won't even let me. The iron is hot so I strike. I grab her hand and yank her out. She fumbles for her jacket, which is hardly a roadblock. Bring her to a cab and then my apartment. The next day we have brunch after sleeping very little the night before. I really enjoyed this night. It sort of solidified in my brain the importance of sticking it out through the end and having trust in your faculties. I like going out solo, since you have to look within yourself at various moments, and you have you bounce to your own beat, and not that of the venue.
I go out tonight, meeting a few friends. I didn't get a chance to properly "hit it up" like I'd like to. So I wanted this night to be actually productive game wise.
Productive means implementing exercises and having some loose structure to my night, as opposed to "bleh" When I go out 4-5 hours, I tend to have the same pattern occur:
Have a few conversations, have some really "on" approaches early, hit a wall, and then be outcome dependent to recreate sucess, until I realize I'm being outcome dependent, and I scale back and do my thing.
Andy had an interesting sugestion to have a pattern almost like the gym. In true yoda form, "Organize your nights you should. For 2 Sets Intense Eye Contact, Breaking Rapport for 2 Sets more, and Of 2 More Sets Physicality you do." Okay, I really really like doing exercises. It's something I was doing last year, and it really sharpens the sword, and it helps you work on your sticking points. You can often go out, and in a whirlwind of hysteria not really derive that much introspection. These exercises shine a light on what you're doing wrong and right.
I came at the night ready to implement my new exercises, but my main hang-up for the night was getting over the expectation for a result. I iterated through these exercises, yet I wasn't feeling good after each approach. It's because I was identified in the result and not the action I took in itself. Once realizing this, I tried to be conscious of feeling happy for acting through my own intentions. That being said, it did wear on me and test my vigilance. I went through lulls and fun periods where I would really enjoy or dislike doing these exercises.
Around the end of the night ~3ish, I decided to free form. But my free form at this point were a bunch of stifled approaches where I just focused on coming congruent w/ my slug state. A girl that I opened earlier came upto me, and I was rather dismissive of her. She started hitting on me, and I kept telling her to leave me alone. That she would just walk away anyway so she shouldn't waste my time. I actively disqualified myself and told her I was sad (I was outta state) , and she just stayed in her place. I think over the course of talking to her, I had fun and began enjoying myself. We hung out over the next hour. Her friends eventually left, and she kept saying she wouldn't come back with me.
I pretty much just savored this experience. I really enjoyed the 'shit' she was giving me. She kept asserting I was gay. And she didnt' want to be with a gay boy. I never really would confirm or deny this. I felt like this was qualifying myself and that feeling averts me. Whatevs. It happened yesterday too where a girl was trying to force herself upon me while asserting that I'm gay. And by virtue of just being chill, it's like their emotional brain just goes haywire. I bounce her to get a slice of pizza. From there we go back to my place. I was pretty stoked at this point. I never took a girl back that was this hot. She was quite French, and I thought she was one of the hotter girls at the bar.
We get back to my place with her asserting "nothing is going down. i gotta leave in an hour." I let her complain, tell her she can leave whenever she wants. I truly meant this too. I was at such a fucking low like an hour ago, and I just enjoyed this experience thus far. So we go upstairs, and I pretty much charge my laptop, take my shoes off, go through the motions I normally would do, if she wasn't there. We then cuddle, make-out, and I escalate. Within a minute we've got clothes off and we're literally about to 'git init' for all the programming nerds. Her alarm goes off and she's kinda bugging out. I scale back and chill. we go outside , she has a cig. Mind you it's like 5/6 am at this point. We go back up. I tell her to chill, since there's no taxis now, but if she wants ot leave the door is acerca. I end up escalating again, and clothes are off AGAIN. She jerks me off. She asks me if i have a rubber AGAIN. at this point she bugs out as it's about to go down. Haha. She's like dead serious too since I sorta tested the waters, here. Eventually, I go back to sleep, let her leave , since I have a busy day the next day and she's off. I think I did a lot of things right here in terms of dealing with shit, however, I think this interaction was missing a degree of push. A degree of dominance. I wanted to keep the girl in check. I did in certain moments. Like I told her if she cursed in French once more I'd hit her. She did, and I smacked her in the back of her head, which was pretty funny. I also think that I was gradual in WHEN I escalated. That was fine, but the actual escalation wasn't that smooth itself in execution. I feel if I was assertive and took control 20% more, it would go down. I don't want to understate what I did right, which was a lot. But it's good to take some lessons. I really enjoed this night in how dynamic it was. I'm also clearly hitting a point in my game, where I'm discovering that I DON'T need to be attached to girls. That's exciting too.