THE FORUMS

October 31st, 2014
Losing your edge in a relationship?
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WillSmith

WillSmith

Junior Member

Join Date: 06/07/2009 | Posts: 27

 Hey RSD, 

Thanks to you guys I've been able to overcome a lot of my sticking points about being social, being a man, etc. And now I'm finally in a relationship, which is awesome. Yeah, some will say "GF=death", and I can see the concern, as this post is along those lines and learning to deal with relationships. 

I've run into some problems, ever since I started liking this girl more and more. At some point during the relationship, my mindset went from being fun and getting with the girl to one of fear and neediness. I fell into the trap of being dependent on another for good state. I fell into the trap of becoming a bitch boyfriend and doing things to please the girl that I didn't want to. I became lame and passive-aggressive. And I constantly feel anxiety about losing the relationship. I feel like I'm at a point where if I don't learn to grow and move past insecurities, then it's over. 

In short, since I've never dealt with a real relationship before, I've started regressing towards old undesirable qualities that I worked so hard to deal with to approach girls in the first place. This makes me think that I may have never really became a better person, and just went through the actions instead of "Being, not doing". Well, I'm certainly not being my best, and I'm not doing well either. 

Has anyone experienced similar problems?  How do you start to handle these issues? 

Thanks a lot.
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#1
BAWLS

BAWLS

Trusted Member

Join Date: 02/27/2008 | Posts: 2591

Why men become pussies in relationships?
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/192976?#comment-747333

Partly evolutionary psychology.
When a male enters a bond with a female and hits that specific zone in the brain, it awakens to trigger some old programming designed for protection and survival of the new. Brain tinkers with his masculinity making it less likely for him to stray and abandon the female and the young. It is not good for the genes to always die off every time a male just abandon the female after sex. Combined with the love chemical soup in the brain to literally brainwash him to care and love this one female, the genes ensures its own survival. Turning off a part of your brain, at least for a few years (the young growing up), making you less interested in mating with other females and be more receptive to your woman's demands. Brain thinks its highly related to the survival of the child.

There's a lot of truth inJeffy's book GF=DEATH. There really is something that dies in you when you enter a relationship.



.
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#2
Pumba

Pumba

Respected Member

Join Date: 05/20/2009 | Posts: 411

 don't overthink it. if you were in abundance, you wouldn't be needy. 

I'm sick of hearing guys are wondering why they are needy after having read eckhart tolle (no pun intended to you OP). Well, whatever ecky, that's how our brains work, if you have lots of girls, chances are you won't be too outcome dependent around one girl. Otoh, you can be enlightened as fuck, you still need to eat, shit, piss and have sex.

Now, that's a bit exagerated, I think Being not doing was a good paradigm, but accept that that's how our brains work, and switch to Being And Doing as Tyler said. 

What you do in many cases defines who you are (if there's such a thing as 'who we are'), so doing is huge. You could take the most awesome centered well rounded individual in the world, put him in a situation where he's with a hot girl and he has zero other options, maybe not even talking to many girls etc. He will act needy to a certain extent, that's our neurology, no need to blame ourselves. Accept that it is how it is and Take Action
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KJ Trollin'

The 3 commandments of rsdn

Thou shall read The Tolle.
Thou shall eat only Paleo approved food.
Thou shall not jerk off to porn. 


My FR Journal:
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/201240 

'I'm willing to be happy doing anything, even if it sucks, as long as the overall picture is leading me towards an outcome I believe in.
But if it ain't getting me to where I want to go, I'm willing to do ANYTHING to extract myself from that situation.  If I have to bloody myself and risk KILLING myself I'll get out of that damned situation and into one that I like.'
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#3
Obelizk

Obelizk

Senior Member

Join Date: 03/29/2010 | Posts: 110

 Man I've dealt with this too.

Looking back, I'd say keeping in mind what YOUR path is in life: what your goals are, who you want to become/be as a person, is what 

you should do.  At least, that how it was for me.  If the girl is somehow holding you back, or you're letting the relationship hold you 

back from growing and being that guy that you want to be, then it's not right for you.  But if you're with that girl and you really

dig having that relationship, then she should just be supportive of your goals, and you should be open about them.  I see relationships

as either being mutually beneficial where both people are growing - doing their own thing, but still being together, or mutually stagnating

where both people are grasping onto eachother and just sitting in a bubble of comfort.  For me it was mutually stagnating - being in my 

long relationship - and I had to break free of it.  

Also, you can still go out, and pick up, just minus the 'picking up part' - talk to girls and meet new people.  That keeps you fresh.

Hope this helped.

peaceout
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#4
SharkFinz

SharkFinz

Member

Join Date: 07/07/2011 | Posts: 46

If you read my original blog post you will understand that this happens to most every guy who is not 100% congruent and in abundance when entering a relationship (and maintaining that state).

That is not to say u need to cheat on her or anything, but ............




...you can still go out, and pick up, just minus the 'picking up part' - talk to girls and meet new people. That keeps you fresh.
- this is the key to be in a state of "readily available abundance"

She needs to at least "think" you can lay another slut the night that she dumps you.  And if she feels this, it will be 10x harder for her to dump/cheat on you.  Trust me.




I describe myself as the "relationship type".  I enjoy not having to work hard, run game, and do all that for the pussy.  Who doesn't?

The thought of a girl there when you get home ready to fuck, cook u food while u lay in bed, and watch you play video games is the stuff dreams are made of.............



However, those are dreams




Eventually, we wake up from them... and so will she and shit will change FAST!!!



 Women get bored RAPIDLY!!!  It's astonishing how quickly your relationship can be zapped.




For me, it was catering to an extremely needy and insecure type of girl (twice).. I know it's sad I didn't learn my lesson. 

This type is espescially dangerous because in scarcity you project a "loyal, innocent, good girl image" on her instead of a "hyper-insecure, unconfident, needy image".

This is because you go into scarcity.  She quickly will become bored and lose attraction the more available you are and the less needy she becomes/ more opportunities she has/ new attractions she faces.

This dynamic makes a man ultra-beta in a very short amount of time, or over a long period of time if you gradually give in to her whiny, naggy, crying, emotional, needy bullshit.  

If you want it to work, be a man.  Stand up for yourself, be congruent, don't spend every waking hour with her, and have a life that involves her trusting you around other cute girls.

If  she becomes needy, jealous, mistrusting, etc.  Reassure her, prove it in your actions, and move on.  Don't become emotional or stagnant EVER or your relationship's days will be numbered.  I promise.



Think about this example briefly.  I'll flip the script for a minute......



Your girl was down as shit in the beginning, gets needy and comfortable, and maybe gains a few pounds.  You have some fights and she stops blowing you and won't say why. 

You go out to the bar with ur boys one night, shoot some pool to relieve some stress and have a beer with the guys. You tell yourself, "fuck that, I just gotta go hang out with my boys and I'll talk to her later".

"A beer with the guys" turns into a romp and you are having a blast.  Next thing you know, a smokin hot blonde starts feelin' your vibe and gets all up on you.  Smokin'.  I mean like from Maxim magazine.

It's not making sense, but she's feelin you.. literally.  Her hand slides down to ur hard bone as she locks lips with you.  You smell her hot ass fucking perfume and feel her big tits pressing against you..................




That's when you have a decision to make......................... and if you are like me, your respect for your girl is the ultimate determining factor, as I've been in this situation with both girls. (maybe not with Maxim models) lol





It really depends on the type of girl you have back at the crib.  With my first ex (A), she was lousy in bed, ultra-annoyingly needy, gained weight from the birth control shot, and things were sour since day 1.

The other chick (B) was hotter, less needy, better in bed, and had much more self respect and openness with me.

Guess which one I cheated on like 10 times and which one I didn't?  If you guessed cheating on (A), and faithful to (B) you were correct.



Guess which one cheated on me when I gained weight, lost my job, and stopped partying and surrounding myself with girls?  If you guessed both, you were correct.

Heed the warnings.  IF you make any mistakes in the relationship, pick yourself up, and act like more of a man the next time.  That's all you need.  
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#5
Cat

Cat

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/03/2010 | Posts: 2034

 I've been through that before. 

The key for keeping a strong relationship is to prioritize THE MAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU ATTRACTED HER above them MAN YOU COULD BE IF YOU ONLY HAD HER.

You want to STAY that dude who is ICEY.  Who is a fucking WOLF.  

For me, this was really tough.  Going out and picking up MADE ME ICEY.  So when I hit my relationship I HAD TO ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIND MY 'EDGE' ELSEWHERE.

Basically, be living your own life NO MATTER WHAT.  She is invited to participate.  But its YOUR LIFE.  

She will cherish you for this.  Really.  Its so strange until you feel it.  She will LOVE YOU because she can feel girls watch you.  She will FUCK YOU because you accomplished X or Y challenge you set out to do.  And she will STAY WITH YOU because you are MOVING THROUGH THE WORLD BY YOUR OWN WILL AND DESIRE. 

That is what being a man is.
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#6
SharkFinz

SharkFinz

Member

Join Date: 07/07/2011 | Posts: 46

Cat wrote:
 I've been through that before. 

The key for keeping a strong relationship is to prioritize THE MAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU ATTRACTED HER above them MAN YOU COULD BE IF YOU ONLY HAD HER.

You want to STAY that dude who is ICEY.  Who is a fucking WOLF.  

For me, this was really tough.  Going out and picking up MADE ME ICEY.  So when I hit my relationship I HAD TO ACTUALLY FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIND MY 'EDGE' ELSEWHERE.

Basically, be living your own life NO MATTER WHAT.  She is invited to participate.  But its YOUR LIFE.  

She will cherish you for this.  Really.  Its so strange until you feel it.  She will LOVE YOU because she can feel girls watch you.  She will FUCK YOU because you accomplished X or Y challenge you set out to do.  And she will STAY WITH YOU because you are MOVING THROUGH THE WORLD BY YOUR OWN WILL AND DESIRE. 

That is what being a man is.
Speechless.  Perfect.   BUMP
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