THE FORUMS

January 23rd, 2017
Getting my Girlfriend Past Her Trust Issues
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jRad

jRad

Respected Member

Join Date: 05/23/2009 | Posts: 476

I've been dating my girlfriend for the past 8 months (as of today). For the first 3 or 4 months of dating, I would always be texting other girls and shit.. messaging girls on facebook, etc - and she would catch me in the act (sometimes). This breached her trust for me, and I don't blame her. We've been through so many ups and downs in this relationship, but we still stick it through.

In her previous relationship, she was cheated on. In this relationship, for the first 4 months I was being a dick, by being dishonest with her - which obviously begs the question, "will she ever be able to 100% fully trust me, even when I'm doing nothing wrong?"

A situation arose last night. Basically about a year and a half ago, my friend Ashley (not her real name) cheated with me on her boyfriend. Ever since then it hasn't been the same.. she's actually a family friend which makes things even harder. I messaged her a few days ago, basically saying, "I know what happened in the past was shitty, but we were close friends before that, and I want to rekindle the friendship".

My girlfriend knew that I slept with her while she had a boyfriend - Ashley then agreed to the message (not 100%, you could tell she was pretty shaky about it), and added me back onto Facebook. 

My girlfriend clearly saw this, and then she logged into my Facebook account to read the messages. I gave her my Facebook password because she 'needed to feel secure'. She thought that if I were to not give her access to my Facebook, I would start adding and messaging women again. Again, I don't blame her, because in the past when she didn't know my password, that's what I would do.

After she bbm'd me and told me she went on my account, I was so god damn fed up. I said, "fuck this" and changed my Facebook password. I then bbm'd her, saying that I didn't need someone to "check up on me", I felt that she was playing the Mom role instead of the Girlfriend role.

We then talked on the phone for about an hour. Since she has trust issues, she said, "Having your Facebook password is like my only security blanket - I don't know what you do during the week (long distance relationship, and you can see she's insecure), and you just stripped me of my security".

I then explained to her that, that was the 'old me' - that I know and trust myself and my own judgement, and that I do not message or text girls anymore, and haven't for a long time. 

I asked her this: "Say if we're dating 3 years from now - or 10 years from now - would you still feel the need to have access to my Facebook account?"

'Yes'.

"So having said that, is it safe to say you would still want my Facebook password because you wouldn't be able to trust me? Even when, I fully know for MYSELF that I'm NOT messaging other people, and being faithful to you?"

'Yes'.

At this point, I put it into retrospect for her - I said, "In order for you to 100%, completely trust me, this is something you need to let go of - I need to preserve my independence. I'm not changing my Facebook password because I'm 'hiding something' or 'messaging girls', I'm changing it because I feel like you need to 100% trust me, right down to the core. How can you 100% trust me, if you need to 'check up' on me?"

She sat there on the phone silently. She then said, "I understand. Just know that, it's going to take a long time for me to trust you again".

^ So, I need to 'gain her trust back' because I changed my Facebook password, or in her words, "stripped her of her security blanket".

I would absolutely LOVE for my to preserve my independence and her to completely trust me. I feel like this is the right way to do it, to preserve my independence in the relationship, as well as getting her to work past her trust issues.

Guys with experience in relationships, am I doing the right thing?
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#1
TableDance

TableDance

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Join Date: 07/08/2009 | Posts: 1988

"I derserve better than this... I'm not in a relationship to be checked up on and followed... I expect and deserve trust from my significant other just as I give it.  If you can't do that also then we are not right for eachother...  Think about this and call me in two days with your answer.  Just know that I am not willing to go on like this because I refuse to spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm being checked up on.  Like I did something wrong."

Edit:  In other words.  I wouldn't put up with this and I don't think you should.  Imagine if this relationship keeps going.  Do you want your wife following your every move and suspecting you of crap and never really trusting you?  I sure as hell don't.  If she isn't going to be able to let this go then I would get rid of her now rather than later.
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#2
jRad

jRad

Respected Member

Join Date: 05/23/2009 | Posts: 476

TableDance wrote:
"I derserve better than this... I'm not in a relationship to be checked up on and followed... I expect and deserve trust from my significant other just as I give it.  If you can't do that also then we are not right for eachother...  Think about this and call me in two days with your answer.  Just know that I am not willing to go on like this because I refuse to spend the rest of my life feeling like I'm being checked up on.  Like I did something wrong."

Edit:  In other words.  I wouldn't put up with this and I don't think you should.  Imagine if this relationship keeps going.  Do you want your wife following your every move and suspecting you of crap and never really trusting you?  I sure as hell don't.  If she isn't going to be able to let this go then I would get rid of her now rather than later.
I told her on the phone just now that I'm not going to put up with her checking up on me. She changed her facebook password - and I was like, "Good". She's like, "every single couple I know shares everything together, including Facebook accounts."

I said, "That's fantastic - I like my independence".

She was like, "Alright. It's just going to be really hard for me." It's just so fucking juvenile to be fighting over, and she can't let it go because in the past I WAS messaging other women when she didn't know my password, and she thinks the exact same thing will happen again (which it won't)..

It's just getting that shit through to her, it's like I'm talking to a brick wall.
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#3
TableDance

TableDance

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Join Date: 07/08/2009 | Posts: 1988

Yeah man... Sounds like you are handling it.  As long as you have it at a level that is ok with you then you've got it right.
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#4
jRad

jRad

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Join Date: 05/23/2009 | Posts: 476

I'll keep you guys updated, thanks for the input tabledance
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#5
Cupcakes

Cupcakes

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Join Date: 12/14/2010 | Posts: 1274

The issue is the are being a CHODE. A CHOOOOOODE I tell you.

Giving her your facebook password?

You thinking it's WRONG to be texting and talking to other girls while you are dating this chick? You call that being "caught in the act?" Weak! Dude. Why do you think it's wrong to be talking to other women? If she is NOT your girlfriend it is TOTALLY FINE. If she is your girlfriend, it's STILL FINE. As long as you aren't cheating on her. Why are you hiding this? The fact that you think there is something wrong with this shows that your mindset is faulty and you are not ready for a relationship.
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#6
SnugglyBear

SnugglyBear

Senior Member

Join Date: 03/17/2010 | Posts: 101

LOL @ "all the couples I know share everything, including Facebook accounts." No they don't.

Anyway, this is a big can of worms mon amie, but I'll try to keep it brief.

1. Been there, done this. In my case it's one of the factors that ended my relationship. That being said it's not irreconcilable, just bumpy

2. She's very insecure, and while you can be understanding, don't respond to her insecurities as if they are real or warranted. This will only perpetuate them. As it's usually been bro, it's a framing issue on your part. You buy into her frame and try to work backwards from there. You go, "OK she thinks I'm potentially cheating so I'll respond accordingly and try to convince her I'm not." Instead of just being grounded in the fact you're not and communicating that simply and without reacting

3. Like Cupcakes said, and other people including myself have pointed out in the past, there's nothing wrong with you talking to other girls as long as you're just being social and not OVERLY flirty, and have no intention of fucking them. If you do have that intention, THAT'S why you're responding to her shit like this, because you feel guilty. And that's fine that maybe you wanted to, that's natural. But now that you've made that distinction that you're not going to, you need to say, "it's cool for me to talk to girls." Which it is. If THE STANDARD in your relationship is that you can't chat up other girls in a social manner, you're (and you know I hate to use this term, but it's only appropriate) a chode. And it's time to end the relationship.

4. Bottom line is, as they say, without trust, you're fucked. Can trust be regained? I dunno. I didn't get to find out. But for your sake, I hope so. If it can, your best shot is by being grounded, strong in your love, understanding but still clearly guiding the context. You NEED to be able to distinguish what she SAYS she wants or needs, and what's actually BEST for both of you. And that's something you intuitively know. If you listen to her too closely, or listen to RSDN too closely, or to me too closely -- you kill that intuition, and with it, your shot of leading your relationship to where it needs to be.

And remember, this is ultimately just a stepping stone in your growth to be able to deal with your relationship better. Whether that be with this girl, or the next. No sweat -- you are who you are.

Best of luck mate and I'm always here for you.
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#7
natlex

natlex

Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/25/2009 | Posts: 1481

Hey man, me and fingerman sometimes talk about this kind of relationship shit and basically what I think applies here is that girls have insecurities but even if you share facebook it will not stop. I think the more you allow her to get into your life the more she will want until the relationship ends. As the men you have to create the boundaries that she can play in, a women will always try to get in deeper to test YOU.

Can't say I have much relationship experience but I just do not see her being comfortable with you even if you give her your facebook. What's next? your phone? your emails? etc etc. It will not end, she might experience relief for a day but eventually she will want more control if she's the type to be insecure about this...
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#8
Singularity

Singularity

Member

Join Date: 12/01/2010 | Posts: 40



You need to learn this song on piano/acoustic guitar and sing it to her. Problem solved.
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#9
UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4956

Again, didn't she cheat on you? 

If you ever create a thread about your girlfriend on RSDN, your relationship is fucked. 

If its multiple threads, it was over a long time ago. 

You and CHERISH too. 
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#10