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December 9th, 2016
Ego/Self Esteem = Unconditional Self Acceptance
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Derek®

Member

Join Date: 09/20/2010 | Posts: 90

SO, a recent connection I've made I thought I'd share.

Remember Tyler's article on ego/self esteem, and the section in The Blueprint? It made a huge
impact on me when I first read it.

If you haven't, go read it now:
http://realsocialdynamics.blogspot.com/2007/01/rsd.html

Interesting that Tyler isn't really talking about the ego as Tolle uses the word, or self esteem like
someone like Nathaniel Branden would use it.

Since I like psychology, I recently started reading/listening to Albert Ellis, who has  ideas very close
to the article so I thought I'd post some new insights he's given me on the subject.

----

Really, a much better word for self esteem is UNCONDITIONAL SELF ACCEPTANCE.

Instead of needing external validation of your value constantly in order to feel good about yourself
(called ego in the article), you accept and feel good about yourself for no logical reason whatsoever.

Why? It comes down to a core belief that YOU are not rateable.

Your actions can be good or bad, but not you. You are not good or bad, you just exist.
You can condemn acts, but not any human beings for any reason whatsoever.
Assess the individual's performance, not the individual for their performance.

The fact that some of your actions get approval and some get disapproval says nothing about you.
It's useful feedback, but the idea in your mind that you must/should/ought constantly perform perfectly
to get approval/positive reactions or else feel hopelessly inadequate is completely false.

How do you prove to yourself it is false? Ask yourself: "Why the fuck do I have to be perfect?"
Ask it 3000x until you get the answer:

"I don't have to be anything." That's a good start.

---


You can't give up shame without giving up pride. Like Tyler says, if you get positive reactions
your ego goes into a feeding frenzy. You can't stop condemning yourself  for negative
reactions until you stop making yourself feel somehow superior to others through positive ones.

If you stop doing things for the need for approval, because you must prove yourself, then why not
sit around all day? Because, although you don't NEED to do anything, there are certain things you'd
LIKE to do, and they're no longer driven by a clinging desperateness, but a pure desire to enjoy
yourself and have a better existence.

New outlook on life: "I just exist, now what the fuck do I do to enjoy myself?"

---

Approval seeking and anxiety are a consequence of our evolution, which is concerned with
preserving the human race, not making you happy. 

Anxiety is usually caused by you commanding yourself that you must do well. When anxious, look for the
should/must. Then lower your criteria for success, as Tyler says.

Desire/wish/preference for approval is good, even human. As long as you don't say you MUST MUST MUST 
have it. Why? Lot of the time you won't get what you want, and even if you do, who's to say you'll still have
it tomorrow? (Relates to article when Tyler says being in state through ego you hesitate before approaching
a tough set, worried in the back of your mind you may fall out of state. You even start to fear contradictory
evidence that you are not as cool as you think because you yourself have made up the rule that you MUST
have good reactions.)

It's essential to rate your performance in order to correct it, but don't rate yourself based on your
performance. This means most of your problems disappear, since you no longer HAVE to do
anything to feel self esteem. So why even deal with problems if it's not a "problem" anymore?
Say "Ah, such-and-such is a pain in the ass. I wish it weren't so, now what do I do to either change
it or live with it?"

If you're getting negative reactions from women, it doesn't say anything about your worth as a person
... but since positive reactions are preferable and lead to sex, what can you do to change it?

---

Bottom line:

The idea of "self esteem" as written in that article is essentially unconditional self acceptance.

"Ego" means conditional self acceptance, you need to meet a number of logical conditions in order to feel
good about yourself, which means you end up relying on external reactions, your last success, other
accomplishments, etc in order to prop up your confidence.
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#1
Peachy

Peachy

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Join Date: 11/05/2010 | Posts: 53

Thanks for the read man. Valuable points here.
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#2
Fred E. Rick

Fred E. Rick

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Join Date: 11/02/2010 | Posts: 997

Derek® wrote:
Bottom line:

The idea of "self esteem" as written in that article is essentially unconditional self acceptance.

"Ego" means conditional self acceptance, you need to meet a number of logical conditions in order to feel
good about yourself, which means you end up relying on external reactions, your last success, other
accomplishments, etc in order to prop up your confidence.
Excellent post as a whole.

This last section I left should be read by everyone on this forum.

It's dead on.
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#3
Colt

Colt

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Join Date: 03/17/2008 | Posts: 1281

are u the same Derek from the rsd mastermind?
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#4
Steve-0!

Steve-0!

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Join Date: 08/08/2008 | Posts: 1579

I think once you accpet yourself for who you are only then can you start working on yourself. Seeing embracing those attractive qualities on removing those unattractive qualities.
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 "In those moments that most people say I can't,  most people say self preservation, most people say what if?... We say "What if?" the other way. What if you land it? What if it is possible?" - Travis Pastrana - X Games Movie   "i'm not in this world to live you up to your expectations. And your not in this world to live up to mine." - Bruce Lee If you are taking more action than anyone else, why should you care about their opinion?" ~Derek "I want to see the world through my own eyes not in the reflection of others." - "While you standing around looking dumb. I make it happen, taking action over time. Got damn good at it too!" - T.I.
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#5

Derek®

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Join Date: 09/20/2010 | Posts: 90

No.
Colt wrote:
are u the same Derek from the rsd mastermind?
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#6

Turok

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Join Date: 06/08/2010 | Posts: 588

"If you're getting negative reactions from women, it doesn't say anything about your worth as a person
... but since positive reactions are preferable and lead to sex, what can you do to change it?"

Word.  Don't you think its kind of funny how unemotional this whole getting better with women thing really is.  Like there's really no need to get more sex, hotter girls, etc.  Its just a decision you make and go with for its own sake.
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#7

Johnathan Sampson

Respected Member

Join Date: 05/10/2009 | Posts: 697

I feed off ego-state via approaching

When I have state I don't stop approaching in order to avoid losing state... I APPROACH to MAINTAIN ego state, otherwise I will lose it.

So in other words, rejection blows away my ego, and I feel better, then I do it again and feel better, until I reach the point of indifference and do as many approaches or acts to maintain the point of indifference.

The real question is how the fuck do we have a constant state of unconditional self acceptance/self esteem.......

I have never found the answer. 

Therefore i'm always reaction seeking.

Argh...
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#8
baconfever

baconfever

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Join Date: 09/01/2010 | Posts: 337

Thanks mate. This explanation of ego/self esteem is very good.
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#9
Johnny Truelove

Johnny Truelove

Junior Member

Join Date: 01/31/2009 | Posts: 6

Really liked your post. That Is how I think of self-esteem also, "Unconditional" Check out this article I found on Uncoditional Self-Worth. It Is very similar to your post. I think he explains what self-esteem is really clearly. I would like to know what your thoughts are on it.

www.rsdnation.com/johnny-truelove/blog/building-high-self-esteem
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#10

Iridescent

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Join Date: 08/07/2011 | Posts: 397

 this is really great. BUMP as hell
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