THE FORUMS

December 10th, 2016
Questions to the 'pro' guys here, about detaching from girls you "actually like"
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baconfever

baconfever

Respected Member

Join Date: 09/01/2010 | Posts: 337

I find that being careless and detached to girls i hook up with, is pretty easy in most cases.

But recently I met this girl I liked a whole lot. Things escalated pretty fast, we had a few dates, she slept over at my place and we were having alot of fun. I started to think that this could become something serious. But it seems that she's not that into me. It sucks, but it is what it is. It's a valid experience and I've learned and gotten new perspectives, which is nice.

Anyways. When you do meet girls that you particularly hit it off with, and would be a girl to settle down with later in your life, what do you do?
Do you go with it?
Do you cut it off?
Do you find alot of these girls? Or rarely?
Do you become more and more detached after experiencing many times, that someone you really liked just disappears from your life?
Is it highly connected to abundance mindset - knowing that the next one is just around the corner? (I am not exactly highly skilled in this game, yet, but I am getting girls that were beyond my dreams two years ago)
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My Hot Seat review (2010): http://www.rsdnation.com/node/167964
Review of my bootcamp with Alex (2011): http://www.rsdnation.com/node/195363
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#1
baconfever

baconfever

Respected Member

Join Date: 09/01/2010 | Posts: 337

The reason I ask this is because, ultimately I want to become really good at this shit. But if a really nice girl comes around, I wouldn't hesitate to go with the flow. And why wouldn't I, when I don't want to sleep with a billion girls, and this girl is amazing. I'm curious on your viewpoints on this.
__________________
My Hot Seat review (2010): http://www.rsdnation.com/node/167964
Review of my bootcamp with Alex (2011): http://www.rsdnation.com/node/195363
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#2
jlaix

jlaix

Instructor | Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 8800

You get these little crushes all the time, sometime it shakes out sometimes it doesn't. 

When you find yourself going through Hell... KEEP GOING
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#3

Be.Cool

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/04/2010 | Posts: 711

jeffy, i really like a lot of your recent comments. especially the durrrrr-freeness :)
putting me in the right perspective. thx
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#4
markzor

markzor

Respected Member

Join Date: 11/25/2009 | Posts: 734

 for me, 
it's stupid to get attached and lose yourself in a girl,
about just as stupid as it is to run away because you fear caring for a girl.

it's a waste to make it less than it is by maintaining distance.
it's also a waste if you get needy

"You are the most important thing in my life" or "You are so special" is for losers
I think, contrary to popular opinion, that it's plain stupid to think somebody is special or perfect.
Because it says more about you than it says about them.
It's says that you created a fantasy in where the girl is perfect, while in reality, she isn't.
It's says that you are deceiving yourself and not seeing the things as they are.
You don't see the girl; you see the fantasy; and that hurts the relationship -- and kills your attractiveness

You are first seduced by the amount of fun you have, and you start thinking:
"Geez, this can't be me, this can't be us,... she must be the one that causes all the fun".
The good feelings are unmatched, they can't possibly come from you!
So you start associating the girl with the good feelings, while you yourself are actually responsible for all the good things!
Because you are self-relying; unreactive; not needing; you are drawing state and happiness from within.
That's what made you attractive and got you two going in the first place!
But as soon as you stop taking responsibility for your own happiness, you start looking to her for you happiness.
you become needy, attached, in *obsessive* love --- not in love with her as a person, but with her as a fantasy of future fulfillment,
always wanting more, never enough, it stems from lack.

I think the real thing comes from unconditional love - and when you both draw state from within; when you both give value and are able to love eachother as a PERSON; not as a means to get satisfaction, fullfillment, good feelings, validation or self-esteem. When you both draw state from within; you both are value givers; and you both are able to love the person for the person; not for one's own secret hidden agenda. Those relationships are awesome; and based upon freedom; based upon making eachother "not perfect" or "the most important thing" in the world. It's a bit of ayn rand egoism combined with brad's extreme self-love that makes it happen for me.

abundance and scarcity
This has also to do with the abundane mindset. What the abundance mindset really is about, in my opinion, is realizing that everybody is "special", in the sense that they are unique and therefore you could love them. It unconditional love and it stems from being non-judgemental. Mind you, however, while you *feel* love towards everybody; that does not mean you are attracted to everybody or have no standards. You still can like and dislike persons based upon the values and boundries you have, only you realise that does not make them less *AS A PERSON*.. only less enjoyable for you to hang out with. 

With a scarcity mindset, you also think (some) people are special, but in a different way. Were in a abundance mindset, everybody is special in the sense they are unique (but therefore equally valueable), with the scarcity mindset  you think somebody is more special in the sense that they are more VALUABLE. Scarcity ties in with being in love with a fantasy about a "perfect" girl who becomes a source of good emotions. Scarcity appeals to greediness, desire, wanting more, and the lazy way of getting happiness from others. The scarcity mindset is also related with being judgemental; it's the false judgement of somebody as "perfect" that makes you needy; it's the harsh judgement that other people are "stupid" that makes you avoid them. (With abudance, you think everybody is equally valuable and loving, but within that love, you choose to have standards and only go for the best)

long story short
- don't go away out of fear of attachment (make it less than it is)
- don't start thinking she is special, perfect, makes you feel like nobody does (make it more than it is)
 
practical advice
- watch your toughts; don't start daydreaming and fantasizing about her. Enjoy her if you are with her (or calling her); but don't be busy with her if you're doing something else.
- check yourself; did you suddenly lose attraction to girls you are normally attracted to? (that's a bad sign in my opinion!)
- make sure you give yourself a break from her; i.e. you need to be able to live a week without her without "missing" her.
- make sure you love yourself more than she does (i.e. if she things about you that you judge yourself for; then she indeed is giving you love were you can't and you are taking value)
- "there is nothing you can get that you can't get from yourself"
- abundance mindset! 

If you experience a great time, while she is not that into you, you may already be making more of this than it actually is, i.e. creating a "perfect" fantasy and taking value by lacking fun on your own. regardless of her --- but sometimes people (girls) have just a shield; they don't open up that easily and like to keep a distance, because if they open up and get emotionally involved, they might get hurt.
.
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wel heb ik je ooit!
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#5

Be.Cool

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/04/2010 | Posts: 711

markzor wrote:
 for me, 
it's stupid to get attached and lose yourself in a girl,
about just as stupid as it is to run away because you fear caring for a girl.

it's a waste to make it less than it is by maintaining distance.
it's also a waste if you get needy

"You are the most important thing in my life" or "You are so special" is for losers
I think, contrary to popular opinion, that it's plain stupid to think somebody is special or perfect.
Because it says more about you than it says about them.
It's says that you created a fantasy in where the girl is perfect, while in reality, she isn't.
It's says that you are deceiving yourself and not seeing the things as they are.
You don't see the girl; you see the fantasy; and that hurts the relationship -- and kills your attractiveness

You are first seduced by the amount of fun you have, and you start thinking:
"Geez, this can't be me, this can't be us,... she must be the one that causes all the fun".
The good feelings are unmatched, they can't possibly come from you!
So you start associating the girl with the good feelings, while you yourself are actually responsible for all the good things!
Because you are self-relying; unreactive; not needing; you are drawing state and happiness from within.
That's what made you attractive and got you two going in the first place!
But as soon as you stop taking responsibility for your own happiness, you start looking to her for you happiness.
you become needy, attached, in *obsessive* love --- not in love with her as a person, but with her as a fantasy of future fulfillment,
always wanting more, never enough, it stems from lack.

I think the real thing comes from unconditional love - and when you both draw state from within; when you both give value and are able to love eachother as a PERSON; not as a means to get satisfaction, fullfillment, good feelings, validation or self-esteem. When you both draw state from within; you both are value givers; and you both are able to love the person for the person; not for one's own secret hidden agenda. Those relationships are awesome; and based upon freedom; based upon making eachother "not perfect" or "the most important thing" in the world. It's a bit of ayn rand egoism combined with brad's extreme self-love that makes it happen for me.

abundance and scarcity
This has also to do with the abundane mindset. What the abundance mindset really is about, in my opinion, is realizing that everybody is "special", in the sense that they are unique and therefore you could love them. It unconditional love and it stems from being non-judgemental. Mind you, however, while you *feel* love towards everybody; that does not mean you are attracted to everybody or have no standards. You still can like and dislike persons based upon the values and boundries you have, only you realise that does not make them less *AS A PERSON*.. only less enjoyable for you to hang out with. 

With a scarcity mindset, you also think (some) people are special, but in a different way. Were in a abundance mindset, everybody is special in the sense they are unique (but therefore equally valueable), with the scarcity mindset  you think somebody is more special in the sense that they are more VALUABLE. Scarcity ties in with being in love with a fantasy about a "perfect" girl who becomes a source of good emotions. Scarcity appeals to greediness, desire, wanting more, and the lazy way of getting happiness from others. The scarcity mindset is also related with being judgemental; it's the false judgement of somebody as "perfect" that makes you needy; it's the harsh judgement that other people are "stupid" that makes you avoid them. (With abudance, you think everybody is equally valuable and loving, but within that love, you choose to have standards and only go for the best)

long story short
- don't go away out of fear of attachment (make it less than it is)
- don't start thinking she is special, perfect, makes you feel like nobody does (make it more than it is)
 
practical advice
- watch your toughts; don't start daydreaming and fantasizing about her. Enjoy her if you are with her (or calling her); but don't be busy with her if you're doing something else.
- check yourself; did you suddenly lose attraction to girls you are normally attracted to? (that's a bad sign in my opinion!)
- make sure you give yourself a break from her; i.e. you need to be able to live a week without her without "missing" her.
- make sure you love yourself more than she does (i.e. if she things about you that you judge yourself for; then she indeed is giving you love were you can't and you are taking value)
- "there is nothing you can get that you can't get from yourself"
- abundance mindset! 

If you experience a great time, while she is not that into you, you may already be making more of this than it actually is, i.e. creating a "perfect" fantasy and taking value by lacking fun on your own. regardless of her --- but sometimes people (girls) have just a shield; they don't open up that easily and like to keep a distance, because if they open up and get emotionally involved, they might get hurt.
.




FUUUUAAAARRRRKKKKK this is so spot on!!! man i found myself so much in this post, unfortunately more in the scarcity mindset than in the abundance mindset. but fuck, this post is the shit! this is the reason for so many lost girls in my past. damn! but.. thanks!
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#6
ambiguity

ambiguity

Trusted Member

Join Date: 10/28/2009 | Posts: 5327

jlaix wrote:
You get these little crushes all the time, sometime it shakes out sometimes it doesn't. 

When you find yourself going through Hell... KEEP GOING
+1

Its funny how emotions creep up on you. I believe that is why this man above likes to push BEASTing all the time. Your illustrating, I am here to fuck, and I am not looking to boost your ego, put you on a pedestal or wait on you hand & foot. Fuck that shit. If not here mate, there will be others. I don't chase; I replace. Do not over invest. That is my whole emphasis on the 7day window - 2 invites out. If she doesn't comply, I delete her number, and I am back at it. Most men will put girls on a pedestal and boost their self esteem as well as there ego. I will not do this. She must reciprocate positively and invest. As a man, take the lead, bait her into interacting. Its sort of paradoxical. Your not seeking a response from her. Your hitting on her cause you are interested and your content doing all the talking. Once she engages, you are no longer in a position to be chasing, and pedestal placing. The person who has most invested is the one with most at risk.
__________________
Jlaix: You are rather cheeky I admit but the self amusing authentic avi makes it impossible to hate!
Tyler:This is ultimately one of the keys to the game -- viewing EVERYTHING AS A JOKE. It's ALL funny.
Tim:`How can I make this fun?
brad:This thread got Ambiguity banned, you can thank me later. Zack G: Ambiguity is becoming the Howard Roark of RSD!
Alex: "The famous ambiguity!" + "This is what happens when your naturally attractive; cheekyinnit#! Ambiguity: I don't chase, I replace.


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#7

BloodmoneySWE

Respected Member

Join Date: 06/07/2009 | Posts: 787

Make sure she INVESTS into you.
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#8
baconfever

baconfever

Respected Member

Join Date: 09/01/2010 | Posts: 337

Niice. Thanks! All of this helped alot!
__________________
My Hot Seat review (2010): http://www.rsdnation.com/node/167964
Review of my bootcamp with Alex (2011): http://www.rsdnation.com/node/195363
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#9
Cupcakes

Cupcakes

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/14/2010 | Posts: 1274

There's nothing wrong with getting proper feelings for a woman, so long as you know that you don't NEED her and are willing to walk away at any moment, should you need to.
__________________
CAN'T TALK TO WOMEN?
GET THE FUCK OUT THERE AND TALK TO THEM.
FAILURE IS THE ONLY WAY TO SUCCEED.
EMBRACE THAT OR BE A LOSER.
YOUR CHOICE.
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#10

TD!

Junior Member

Join Date: 12/28/2008 | Posts: 14

Quality thread.  I appreciate Jeffy's uncharacteristically non-sarcastic reply, because I really do think everyone goes through this.

I am pretty selective in the girls I pursue, and I generally am looking for a LTR more than a ONS.  For those reasons, I end up not being able to have (or I guess choosing not to have) a true abundance mentality.  So when I find a girl I really like, I end up getting oneitis and having a lot of trouble detaching because she seems like that special snowflake.  I know she is not a special snowflake, but it may be months or more before I meet another girl like her that I am really into.  It sucks.  I should probably lower my standards and be open to more casual relationships with women because I think my game would improve drastically. 
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