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December 4th, 2016
MyWay's Journal
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MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Hi, I'm MyWay. Obviously that is not the name I go by in my every day life, but I've chosen it here because it somewhat represents why I'm writing this and what I want to do with my life. In a way I am the same as every other guy on here because I want to become very good at interacting with girls and turning those interactions into wonderful, sexual relationships - because let's face it, girls are fucking awesome - and that's cool, but in another way I am completely different because none of us have had the same experiences or the same thoughts or feelings, even if they have been very similar in many cases and we may have a lot in common. Writing this is a bit of an ego-destroying experience for me... I'll go more into my "ego" in the next section but basically making this topic is a gesture from me to the world and to myself - accepting and embracing all my flaws as I aim to take myself to a better place and better day-to-day experiences and memories.

Some info on me:
I do martial arts which has helped me a lot with developing confidence. I play computer games. I like having good friends, and I have a few but I want more. I like music and sunshine and girls who like to cuddle. I'm a virgin. It doesn't really bother me, I don't have that whole "zomg embarrassed" thing but I do want to fuck girls and it bothers me that currently I can't seem to make that happen.

Background:

Okay, so. My story isn't particularly extreme compared to some I've read on here of people having therapy and trying to kill themselves, having religious parents who tell them they're sinning if they kiss a girl before they're married etc... I have massive respect for those guys who get past obstacles like those and mine pale in comparison but they seem pretty big to me so here goes. I'm 16, I've been homeschooled all my life until a few months ago when I started college. I had some friends but mostly people I knew through my parents who were also homeschooled. I had my first girlfriend at 14 when I started talking to a girl online who I had met awhile ago at a meeting for people who are homeschooled to hang out and socialise. We had spent awhile chatting and all I remember is telling her outright, "I like you, you should be my girlfriend." Manning up at 14 right? I feel like I couldn't do that now, but I did it then. We saw eachother quite I bit if I recall correctly, I remember being VERY shy and insecure around her for months, and looking back even then I was aware of my own 'state', even though I didn't call it that and didn't really understand it, I would try to relax myself and listen to music to make myself feel confident before I went to see her. I might have even looked for advice on the internet to know what to do with a girl, I don't remember. We would do kid stuff like hugging and holding hands and I called her my girlfriend and it was needy as hell, from both of us not just me. I felt (what I now recognise to be) approval-seeking around her and sad and incomplete when she wasn't there. After 6 months of awkward alone time where I would be too fucking terrified to make a move, we finally kissed, a rather aggressive experience that became more enjoyable with practice. She slept at my house, I gave her my bed and slept on the sofa like the gentleman I thought she wanted me to be (feel kinda sick writing that now...). My parents probably also played a part here, I remember them asking if I had got the spare mattress out for her and stuff, just assuming we would be sleeping seperately. They also used to refer to her as my 'friend' until I started correcting them every time, I guess they were uncomfortable with me having a girlfriend. Ahh, fuck you mum and dad for doing that to me, but it's my responsibility now and blaming you isn't going to do shit. In the end we did get a few times alone and she would put her hands down my pants and get me to finger her, but I always held back because I felt subconsciously that what we were doing was wrong, that desiring her was wrong and I would get punished or something for it. Looking back that relationship was childish and kinda lame, but also really fucking sweet because we were like best friends as well as a couple and she was my one source of validation (god forbid I actually validate myself). We ended up breaking up when her family moved away to another country. I went out there to stay with her and we had agreed that when I left we were officially over. I remember getting off the plane home and feeling SO FUCKING FREE because I was single again. Not because I thought I'd go bang loads of chicks, just because I didn't have the weight of trying to please her on my shoulders anymore, didn't have that needy clingy feeling, could do whatever and be whoever. Motherfucker I was in STATE. That was the most beautiful drive home from the airport ever. Then I got home and cried. She told me she did the same.

Awhile after that, I started getting more friends. Hanging out in a city centre nearby. I still had no idea what girls liked. I don't remember ever chasing a girl. The only time I got (actually pretty hot) girls was when they decided they loved me and we'd have a glorious relationship that lasted usually between a week and 3 months before I would get super needy and lame and either she would break up with me or I would break up with her to get rid of that horrible attached feeling that being needy gave me. There were about 5 of these. Usually I would be the one that did nothing to try and get her while she had dozens of guys asking her number and trying to get into her pants. I would, totally honestly, just treat her like a friend. I didn't have some fucked up plan of tricking her into wanting me as a boyfriend, it just happened that way and I guess that's why it "worked". Was I higher value because I didn't chase her? Probably yes. But then I consider all the girls I met that NOTHING happened with because they didn't even notice me or simply did become my friend. All the pain I went through of WANTING a girl and not getting her because I'd just blow myself out by doing nothing about it.

One time I ran into this blonde chick with a gorgeous body I knew in a shopping centre when I was with some friends, we were talking and I was getting a boner. Somehow we were holding hands and she looked at our hands like "wtf?" and smiling. I think I said something like "come with us" and then she was on my lap while we chatted, then walking with me holding hands, then we were standing and she started kissing me. She told me I should come over to her apartment that she was getting. I am remembering more stuff from this little episode whilst I write this! We hung out with our mutual friends, making out. I loved the status that came with this girl. Every guy wanted her and they were all jealous of me. I took her away like 25 metres behind some pillar (isolation hahaha, didn't even know that word back then) and was like hey, I live kinda far, we probably shouldn't make this serious... She agreed, but we kept making out. Bit later she says she wants to be my girlfriend. I'm like nah. I go home.. miss her.. facebook her and demand to see her the next day. We hang out, same shit goes down. As I get on the train to go home she asks me if we're "going out" yet. I'm like "yeah sure" or something like that. I'm making myself sound cool and maybe I was acting like that, because she was so attracted and made it so obvious I felt like I had permission to be 'alpha'. Well, it was a week till I would see her again because I only spent time in the town centre on weekends and she was at college (I think she was 17 and I was 15, badass huh xD) We talked online, she was having doubts about our 'relationship'. Lesson learned: never let a girl make these kinds of decisions for you.. you have to be sure so you can hold your frame when she has doubts (which every girl will). She isn't there to do that for you. Squirrel and oak tree. I told her some bullshit about not being able to promise her anything, except that I would never lie to her or be dishonest.. (there's that sick feeling again, ew) She thought this was 'sweet' or some shit. You guys can see from this I was getting attached and needy. Sure enough a couple days later she says she still likes her ex. She wasn't exactly breaking up with me.. but I felt like it was about to happen. So I said we shouldn't see eachother any more. I guess I did that to save my ego. I didn't want to get dumped again.

Okay that background was kinda long. I have so much more I could put here, experiences and stuff I'm dying to talk about but I will save it and if you want anymore stories just ask lol, even though you guys have much more awesome ones. Now for the important bit.

GOALS

Long term: Become a version of me that can meet a girl he likes, anywhere at any time and just tell her that without any fear and have her be attracted and take her home. Become someone who can talk to anybody without being scared, worrying about coming off weird, or any other shit like that. Create GOOD emotions in people with my interactions.

Short term: Be 100% honest with girls I meet. If I like them I tell them. If I want to kiss them I do it.

Post to follow on what happened last night with my ex girlfriend and what I did today.
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#1
MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Ex girlfriend - Persistence

So I went to my ex girlfriends house. The girl that I was in the super needy relationship with. I'm not like that with her anymore of course, we are 'friends' but I tend to be pretty physical with her as it's kinda always been that way and she seems to like it, I just do it naturally. We haven't kissed or anything since we were together but I regularly feel her up when she's around. You guys might not approve of me hanging out with my ex but hey, it's better than staying in alone. She was going to come over on sat but then asked me to come over on sunday so I was like fuck it. I haven't masturbated since last Wednesday and it's Monday now so I'm crazy horny which is one of the reasons I went to hers. Also my college is walking distance from her house so it's easy to walk there in the morning. I got on the train with my season ticket which doesn't go all the way, but the lady didn't notice. Win. Saved me some money.

I get off the train, hug her and spin her around. She's like noooo I'm too fat! (she isn't but she's not skinny either, just right really) and within about 1 minute I stick my hand out infront of her whilst we're walking and wiggle my fingers (easy way to get girls to hold hands with you), she takes my hand. A few mins later I throw it away and jump over some fences whilst she walks round and talks shit about me being a show off and gay. I'm like yeah cool. We walk to hers and I take off my shoes, socks and jacket and throw them on her bed with my bag. She has a bunch of TVs but I choose her living room to watch a movie in because it has a big sofa (also the same room I first put my arm around her in. Woah I remember when that was a big deal, hahaha) She complies and puts on a movie, we're just sitting watching and I get her laying on me through a combination of poking and saying come here, lie down. It's no big deal so she just does it. Not much happens here, I demand food and we make some, at the end of the movie I'm sitting on top of her, thinking about kissing her but she's being awkward and trying to push me off even though she's enjoying it. I can hold her down but damn this girl is strong :P I was running my hands around her hips, chest, ass too and I undid her bra through her shirt. Dunno why I did this as we were fully clothed but she didn't complain, just did it back up a few minutes later. Oh well.

By the way, when I'm with her this girl loves to mention other guys, say how I remind her of them etc, talk about them being hot... It's weird, shit-testing I guess so I just say yeah, uhuh, cool like I'm not interested but not pissed or anything.

We're hanging around in the kitchen, her family get home. I know them so I talk to her mum a little. Then we're in her room playing Halo with her two little brothers. I take off my shirt and act like I'm going to sleep in her bed. (She'd been saying some crap about having seperate beds but I just completely ignored it and it didn't happen, lol) After awhile her bros go to bed. By this point she's taken off her hoodie and shirt, she's still in jeans, bra and a T shirt... Lights go off and we're in her bed, she's acting like she's going to sleep. I'm like fuck this. I've been feeling her up all night, not gonna stop now. She's letting me sleep in her bed, she clearly wants to fuck me. So I start running my hands over her body. Undo her bra. Feel her lovely boobs. Smell her hair. She lies there saying stuff like oh you're making me cold, I want to go to sleep, blah blah ignore ignore "cool, yeah, we should go to sleep" and i carry on. Now and again I ease off and just run my fingertips over her back for a minute or so, then go back into it. I had been teasing her earlier on because she's not ticklish anywhere, I was tickling her tummy and feet and stuff and nothing. Now she says you're making me ticklish in the only place I get ticklish.. I'm like YEAH in my head. She's on her back, I eventually roll her over and take her belt off with a lot of resistance.. pull her jeans down and start feeling her ass. By this point she's like I want to go to sleep, you're pissing me off, I'll tell [guys name] on you, I'm cold, give me that blanket  - I ignore this, laugh at her a bit, tell her yeah I'd better stop and continue even though I can feel she's getting bitchy, I have no idea why. I decide that either she is leaving the bed (I'm not going to physically stop her) or she's having sex with me because I have a history (i feel) of not being persistant enough with girls that like me. Put my hands down her pants, feel the top of her and rub it but she's now crossing her legs. She removes my hand and is like stoppppp. She says if I carry on she's going to sleep on the armchair. I said okay cool and carry on. She gets up, takes the quilt and curls up in the armchair. FUCKKKK! I didn't think she'd actually do it. I lie on the bed for a bit, wondering why I don't have a boner. Seriously I think if I could just get hard easily around girls 90% of my problems would be solved. I get up and stand in front of her wondering what the fuck to do now. I tell her to stand up. Nope. I want to kiss you. Go away. I have pretty much given up by this point. Not only is she giving me crazy resistance when she seemed horny a few minutes ago, but this behaviour is a serious turn off for me. Probably one of the reasons I'm not hard. I go lie down. I tell her come back to bed, I'll leave you alone. (Yeah, I feel like shit now and I'm being a pussy.) piss me off again and I'm going back to the armchair. Ugh, whatever. We sleep, I take awhile to get to sleep then wake up at 5am, I lie with my arm over her and she pushes it away. So even that's not okay now. I'm pretty cold with her in the morning, just get dressed and say bye and leave.

What I think I did right:
Persisted more than I ever have before.
Told her what to do, did what I wanted, wasn't very pussified.
Set the frame of my visit early on with the spin hug, hand holding etc.

What I think I did wrong:
It was my ex girlfriend, should've been a new girl for sure.
Didn't kiss her.. she probably would have felt less slutty if I had done that. For some reason that's harder for me to do than taking her clothes off, feeling her up etc.

Feedback welcome, apart from CHODE GOING BACK TO YOUR EX CHODEEEEE.
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#2
MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Well today I had an unexpected hour free so I was hanging out with this girl I know (not attracted to her like at all which is rare with girls I meet who aren't fat or ugly. I'm not especially picky) and her two friends one of whom was this cute girl who was talking about harry potter. I didn't really do much, chilled with the group and told some interesting stories then when I got up to leave saying I was going to Politics harry potter girl said ooh I'm going that way i'll come with you. Cool. I had to take a detour to meet my tutor on the way though so I guess I lost her. Then she was outside my class and I was like hey, chatted with her a bit but I can't remember what was said.. I should have at least got her number then. I'll see her again probably but it feels like I've left it too late then... which is dumb cause people hook up after they've known eachother ages as long as some kind of weird platonic friendship hasn't developed. Dunno where this belief comes from. Probably RSD actually! I left my bag with her as I went to go talk to this chick from my class who is kind of attractive but I always seem to get lame around her instead of just being my normal cool self and I can feel it. Grabbed my bag and went to class. Nothing else notable apart from this girl was standing on the train near me with those jeans that are purposely ripped in places, and I wanted to be like yo you've got holes in your jeans and call her a hobo. Would have been funny as shit but I didn't do it.

Later I had instructor training at the martial arts school where I train. We were practicing greeting people as they entered the school which involved rehearsing lines, thinking about tonality and body language etc. Very interesting.

I'm probably gonna post shit on here when I think it's important even if no one seems to be reading or commenting. Comments are appreciated even if it's just a hey whatsup cause there's no one else I feel I can really talk to about this stuff.
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#3
MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Not a lot happened today but i'll note down the things that seemed important.

Posted a short thing on the main forum asking for specific advice on being nice vs being an asshole: www.rsdnation.com/node/169187

I noticed that being around friends that I get on well with really puts me into that state where I don't give a fuck, am able to talk LOUD (easily dominate a group of people with my voice), and people enjoy being around me (mostly, apart from the issues I talked about in that thread I posted)

I'm friends with this girl who's hot but has been my friend for a long time and is friends with an ex girlfriend of mine. I get on with her really well in a platonic kind of way and it's fun because I find it so easy to make her laugh and don't feel any anxiety around her. I want a girl like this as a girlfriend - not massively popular, but confident and open to people with a good sense of humour. Knows what she likes and doesn't afraid of anything.

Noticed there's a girl who gets the same train as me to college and doesn't seem to know anyone. She's not physically attractive but i'll talk to her and if she's cool bring her into our little group, I like to offer this kind of value whenever I can because I know what it's like to feel alienated around strangers and I love forming friendships and helping others to do the same. Often people that don't seem to have a 'crowd' are actually pretty awesome and just not very good at socialising, something I'm sure you guys all know very well!

There's a girl in my class that is sorta cute. Stole her scarf in a playful way, messed her hair around saying 'it looks better this way' and generally teased her. I'll get her number tomorrow.. i'd like another way of showing interest other than this but unless we both have a free or I see her at lunch I dunno another way to do it. Also when people are having lunch I don't like going up to them because they're usually in a big group and I feel like I'm taking value and bringing everyone down.. Obviously a self limiting belief that I need to get over.
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#4
MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

SuperBoobsGirl

Sooo today I was having lunch and my friend drew an amusing picture of me. Was just messing around and I saw this girl from one of my classes who has huge tits. I felt insecure and scared and all that shit, grabbed the picture and went and sat down next to her. Held it up next to my face and asked her if she thought there was a likeness. We chat a bit about it. It was a fun idea I guess but my state wasn't with it, I wasn't feeling good inside.

Is that all you wanted?
No, I want your phone number
She shakes her head, nope sorry

Go on
N
ope

My friends come over, some banter happens, I tell her I'll see her later and go back to our table.

Went as expected, I was in a shitty state and we had no real connection. This is the first time I've been rejected asking for a number so I'm pretty pleased with myself :) Although I still feel that horrible feeling typing it out, the same "fuck I'm a lame fucking chode idiot" feeling that I felt when I was doing it.
I've read that you just have to get your first 1000 rejections outta the way before you start getting results, so just 999 to go :P

Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn
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#5
MyWay

MyWay

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Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

I feel like total shit. Feel worthless. Don't know how I can offer value like this. I'm just sucking it, trying to get other people to make me feel good. Totally lame. I don't know how to stop though. Don't really know what to do.
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#6
MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Things have gotten better since my last post. Shit, I've MADE them better.

I got up for college, felt in a VERY low, negative state as I was tired as fuck and it was a monday morning. Shrug it off, just accept don't identify. Stood at the bus stop. Other people get the bus there but I don't usually talk to most of them. I guess I'm more hesitant to stand out there because I feel like social rejection from somewhere I go every morning would suck.. Total scarcity mindset. Which is dumb as hell because I'm awesome and there's no reason why they wouldn't like me.

30 second number close

I was walking through college about to head home. Make eye contact with a blonde girl walking towards me and  she smiles and holds it. Hot! Alas, this is not the number close... but I was feeling awesome just because of this (already felt pretty good)

I see my buddy, go talk to him. Girl sitting next to him is like MyWayyy. I'm like yo? I recognise her and she's cute but can't place her. I ask her where I know her from and she says some stuff. Apparently I've dated 3 of her friends. Okay. I hold my arms out for a hug and she does. Hold onto her, kinda arm over her shoulder, holding her like she's MINE. Ask her for number. I know, never ask, only tell right? Guess I broke a rule but it worked. I had to repeat myself cause the first time she went "What?" and then after she was like "that's so weird" but I just ignored her. Didn't think about ignoring her, just did it naturally. Told her I was going home but I'll see her later. Text her 'boo' as i'm walking away and get 'boo :)' back.

So yeah, it was only a number and I was pre social-proofed but still a big thing for me. Never got a number that fast before.

My aim is to make this kind of thing ordinary so I get a number a day. Also I want to build real connections with these girls, cause after all you can't fuck a number, I want her to feel like "I wonder when that cute guy is going to text me?" and be EXCITED about it rather than "oh it's that weirdo from the other day texting me". If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them :)

Also I have noticed that I find it much easier to take risks when I'm about to leave. Even though I go to school with these people, I feel like if I left right after I made a total fool of myself it wouldn't matter. In reality, it wouldn't matter at all. I still fear social rejection. Still afraid to step out of my identity and do things differently but I'm getting better.

Girl in my room who I don't want to have sex with, WHAT'S GOING ON YO?

There's this girl I go to college with who blatantly wants my dick. I'm not attracted to her. She gets the same train as me and I let her into my room today, just played Call of Duty while she watched and I was being so careful not to tease and escalate on her (like I automatically start doing if I'm not careful).

It's interesting, I have TOTAL outcome independance with her and I act like a total asshole. Simply do not give a shit. And she's super attracted. Coincidence? I think I am starting to friendzone myself after spending time with her with no touching or physicality. Funny how I am applying game concepts in reverse in order to escape the clutches of a girl I don't want...

Chode friend

I made a chode friend. He is mega approval seeking, thinks he has to be a gentleman and take it slow, buy dinner etc, says he's "committed" to this one girl after they went on ONE date. He has such fucked up beliefs but on the other hand I feel pretty dumb telling him he's mistaken when I don't have any real results to speak of. He talks about getting girls and stuff but I don't know if it's just his way of relating to guys or what. Maybe one day I'll introduce him to RSD, what do you guys think?
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#7
MyWay

MyWay

Member

Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Another number rejection today. Kinda thought it was gonna go down, but nope. Don't really feel like writing much. I've noticed that my self-esteem is very much tied in with my success with girls and my social success in general. I am fucking awesome regardless of my level of success with women so why can't I FEEL it? Part of me is still struggling with the idea of learning to be good with women. I guess it's more a case of removing social conditioning but I really don't feel like that's happening. Dunno, pretty confused.

I have faced VERY few rejections in my life. All the girls I've been involved with made it obvious they were interested so I didn't really have to do anything. Some of them were pretty hot too. But I always wanted to be able to SEE a girl I wanted, and just GO GET HER. I still do. I want CHOICE, I want OPTIONS. I want to be able to say "Hey, I like you." with total confidence.

I think getting numbers is kinda lame, unless I'm attracted to a girl and for some reason have to leave and I just want a way to contact her. It's easy though.. and low risk.. probably why I've been doing it.
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#8
MyWay

MyWay

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Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

I feel much better today. I made sure I got plenty of sleep which seems pretty important for my mood.

I decided that I was just going to head out to college and have fun whatever happened. I didn't have time to shower and I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days, I smelt baaaad haha. Not a single fuck was given.

Girl who goes to my college opens me at the train station asking how much the bus is (bus from our destination station to college) but later doesn't get the bus. Obviously knew how much the bus cost but wanted to talk. Cute :) I'm relaxed, we chat about teachers and classes and stuff. I notice that I'm going into my head, which I have a habit of doing whenever I'm just having a chill interaction with a girl for more than 30 seconds or so. We're actually vibing well, I'm enjoying the conversation. My friend gets on the train and there's a drop in the interaction as I introduce them. Not really sure why, because this friend is cool. Just wasn't the same anymore.

My first lesson was cancelled so I hung out with some friends. A couple I know well and some new ones. Was cool, I enjoyed just socialising. It's interesting how I am usually the dominant male in my group of friends. I find it incredibly easy to talk to girls that I'm not attracted to. It's when I start trying to 'get' them that it goes kinda weird.

Miserable woman talked to me on the train home about her troubles. SO MUCH value-taking. Most people would probably ignore her till she shut up but I talked to her. Pretty sad to see someone that unhappy, unattractive and lame. Hope she sorts her life out. Made me realise how lucky I am.
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#9
MyWay

MyWay

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Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

So, I met this girl and I'll tell the full story sometime but I can't be bothered to write it out right now. Just wanted to post this little bit of text game cause I thought it was pretty sweet.

I've been talking to her about getting my hair cut..

You know you wanna stroke it <picture of my new hair> [I know this will provoke a shit test]
Mate. You have no hair... And I don't want to stroke it :p [told you]
I knew you'd agree. If you're good I'll let you touch it [ignore, make it a challenge]
What qualifies as being 'good'? [now wants to please me]

Will be fun to see where this goes!
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#10
MyWay

MyWay

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Join Date: 11/15/2010 | Posts: 42

Went nowhere. I told her I like her (which I thought I made freakin obvious) and she says she has a boyfriend. Wow that feels shit, I thought beyond a doubt that she was into me. She says how can I know I like her after only 5 days? hahahaha. Guess I just read everything wrong. Don't really give a fuck now, just wanna the last of my 'good with girls' ego bullshit and start being real. Noticing that my state and feelings about myself are almost entirely based on external things. At least I noticed, now I can try to change that.. but I don't really have a clue how. I understand this is a pretty pathetic read, maybe it just takes you back to your chode days, but it's mainly for me to look back on sometime I guess, and try to get my head right instead of being overwhelmed and not having a clue what I'm doing all the time.
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