THE FORUMS

July 26th, 2017
Inner Chode Cleansing - 20 Day Challenge
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Thor

Thor

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/04/2010 | Posts: 292

its going to be hard for me
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MY LIFE, MY FAILURES, MY VICTORIES: www.rsdnation.com/node/167387
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Thor

Thor

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/04/2010 | Posts: 292

Shit has really hit the fan.

We start on day #35.

I dont remember much from this day.

Day #36

I had the chance again to talk to the girl from the last post, we can call her Miss Austria... I didnt take it. Made me feel like shit. Talked to some other girls.

Day #37

This was a fucking weird day. To start it off I conduct a choir for the 1st time ever in concert. I am nervous but I do a really good job. Then I have the chance to talk to lots and lots of girls but I am kind of passive and already in a weird mood. We have a party afterwards, and I had envisioned that party to be really fucking fun with good people and maybe it was, but I was in a funk. First of all Miss Austria initially didn't show, and neither did my special friend. Those girls are like my 2 favorite girls in the world, and I assumed they both would come so I didn't really say bye to any of them as I left them earlier in the day. It made me sad, I started drinking.

Miss Austria shows up. I had planned to make the moves on her but it doesnt work with this mood. Some random dude starts talking to her and when I walk by they are talking about how many people they have had sex with, and the dude is 22 and has slept with about 52 girls he says... I feel fucking weirded out because I am a virign and I was not prepared to answer that if I was asked so I just leave. I feel so depressed and go for a long walk by myself. I go into a room alone and sing depressing songs and play guitar. I come out, but Im still not happy. I am not talking to Miss Austria. Man she is so fucking cool. She says to me that it feels as if though I am far away (because of my mood), I say that I am. She says she likes me new hairstyle and that it suits my personality better, but then our conversation dies out because there are lots of obstacle people inbetween us and she is talking to everyone.

I will edit this post and write about the part where I lose my virginity to another girl but right now I dont have time. Stay tuned
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Teege

Teege

Member

Join Date: 03/14/2012 | Posts: 57

 i strongly recommend the blueprint
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Thor

Thor

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/04/2010 | Posts: 292

I have seen the blueprint man.

Day #37 part #2

It is 2 am and I am sitting next to a girl we can call Jackie. I have known her for almost 2 years. I think she likes me but she is 29 and speaks of getting married and I think a girl like that would not go for a 21 year old virgin like me. But we are good friends and I let her read a poem that I wrote because I said to her I think it would help to cure my funk. When she tells me it is good I put my arm around her. I thought of it as a more of a friendly gesture at the time but she did not and responded by caressing my stomach. It was quickly broken up by some other event, but I stay next to her with my arm around her and there is her hand again. I know it is on and I think to myself that I got this, and can I get this, do I want this, should I take this, is this the night I will lose my v-card and all these questions. Because the prospects with Miss Austria are so dark I decide to suggest that me and Jackie leave together and see what happens. She complies and we go. She asks me what is the plan. I kiss her and tell her she should come home with me. She says it sounds like a good plan. We get to my place and have sex. It was not what I expected but it was cool and in hindsight I am really happy I did it even if it means that my chances with Miss Austria are severly compromised because I dont want to hurt either girl and they are friends. I think there will be a part #3 to this spectacular day #37 with more details about the sex, there is some interesting things to reflect upon but I am still not done processing the fact that I actually took a girl home and fucked her and brought her pleasure with my average sized penis.
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Me-vs-Me

Me-vs-Me

Trusted Member

Join Date: 05/18/2010 | Posts: 1321

 Congtatulationz :D Hope it will help in boostin things up for you :)
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My Field Reports Thread Me-vs-Me - New Hope
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Hanker

Hanker

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/07/2008 | Posts: 109

HAHAHA YEAH BUDDY!! Been following your journal for a while, I'm so damn glad that you're taking action and getting some results! It truly is frustrating and hard at times, emotional rollercoaster, but what's the alternative? Living in a grey mist and dying as a chode. Keep it up!

It feels pretty good to actually live, huh? :)
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Goo

Junior Member

Join Date: 03/13/2012 | Posts: 22

 Really interesting to read your FR because I can so much see myself in you when you started out. 

A fun note is that I feel like when I was around 15-16 (the age when most boys and girls are so scared of embarassing themselfs) I would do much more things because I wanted to do them and didn´t care that much about what people thought. But as you get older and you start to read about game and other stuffs, I atleast have been changing from a person who does more and think less to the opposite.

And also, congratz to your awesome night :).

Edit: One thing I have started to do to train myself to become more social and really don´t care what others think is to force yourself to talk. Say that I´m at a party or just chilling with some buddies and some new people. Then I will say whats on my mind, no mather how stupid or fucked up it is. And I will talk more and more. I will be the guy who never "shuts up". 
I allways thought that it was that sort of guy that irretated the most people and because of that I would sit quit and don´t say anything. But now when I force myself to talk and saying all crazy stupid things, I get much more positive feedback from people I meet. Its like now they want to talk to me and I don´t feel like I suck out the value from the room, instead I give the value. 

Okay, maybe this got a bit long and sorry if I steal your post in some way. Just wanted to express myself :).
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Thor

Thor

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/04/2010 | Posts: 292

Thank you all. It was a big day for me but at the same time I have to keep it real. I have learned by now that there is no magic pill, so losing the virginity won't make me into a super pimp who takes right action all the time. But it does boost my self esteem a bit :)

Its like the same mentality that I learned when I was trying to succeed with online poker. You cannot be emotional about the results, you can never depend on having a green month. Even if you as a winning player put in 200 hours a month you will still have losing months. You have to only value the work that you put in and see the results as a bonus. I think its the same with getting girls. You put in the work, and the results will come, but not reliably because there are a lot of variables in human interaction. So you can't get phased when you go on a cold streak and you can't get hubris when you go on a hot streak, both will fuck you up. Pay your dues and trust that the results will come. You have to blindly believe in like a higher power, that you will eventually be rewarded for your work, but never expect or demand it, rather ask nothing of the universe and be grateful when it gives you something. But enough abstract stuff. I have changed my behaviour around girls and I have been rewarded for it. Most particularly over the last half year I have stopped supplicating so hard when I listen with nodding and saying yea and facial expressions and stuff to more of a blank stare that says show-me-what-you-got and prove-yourself-to-me. And starting to play around with letting the tension ramp up instead of instakilling it like i would in the old dayz.

@Goo

Do not be afraid to steal my journal. I will know it is a good journal when others post more than me because it means it really gets them thinking and rattles their cage and stirs their inner shit around. And that I dispense all that wisdom in a laconic way. I have never been a person who talks much, and I have slowly started to realize that I don't need to be to give value in a social situation. Good for me. I have tried saying whatever comes to my mind but never been able to pull it off and it just comes off as weird. But maybe I need to try again and again and again.

Day #38

Morning sex. I count it towards my one interaction a day rule. I see her later in the day with a group of our friends. I say hi, I am with my parents so I pretend as if we never had sex. It is nice to reflect on the fact that I was not really an awkward stifled guy as I used to be, but rather a fucking cool guy. "If only everyone could be like me" was the last thing I said to them before I left to eat with my parents.

Day #39

Its time to bust out my sick text game. This is how I did it:

Top of the morning to you

You too, though it is a very late morning

1 hour later

We had sex yesterday :)

Oh yes we did))

1 hour later

What are you up to 2day?

1 hour later

I go do some errand then I try to find a cure for cancer. you?

Sounds very amibitious for a sunday afternoon. Could I assist you in your search for a cure?

I said to her to come over around 9 and she did. Like clockwork! We had sex again.

Day #40

Morning sex makes me four times in four days. Good times :)
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Thor

Thor

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/04/2010 | Posts: 292

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Thor

Thor

Senior Member

Join Date: 10/04/2010 | Posts: 292

I just closed a chapter. first we take it day by day

Day #41
Easy day. I see lots of my girlz, including the one I had sex with. We keep a secret, like a silent understanding, but still talk to each other normally.
Day #42
Easy day. Goodbye party with all my girlz. I go home with the girl I had sex with, but we dont have sex because I am tired and miserable because we had to walk an hour home and think Im gonna be sick. I want to have sex in the morning of day #43 but she has to go. Day #43 also is a goodbye party day so very sentimental.  Talk to girls [ x ]
Day #44
On this day I start cleaning out my apartment and that shit is rough. I stay in all day and only thing I do is ask Miss Austria to see me one last time before I leave. She agrees. I was nervous about asking her so its good.
Day#45
Another day with goodbye party. Talking to girls [ x ]
Day#46.
Is the day I leave town by train. I meet with miss austria half an hour before my train leaves. I tell her I think she is one of the coolest people I have met and that I wish we had hung out more, but I don't have time to go in depth and be completely open to her. I wanted to see her the night before and go to a pub where we would have more time but she rescheduled me. But at least I tried.

Now I moved back into my parents house. I left most of my social life behind me, and in this town I have only a few of my old childhood friends. The first thing that happens is that I start a summer course in permaculture and sustainable development that kind of stuff. Its a great chance to make some new friends and it will be my objective for the course. Not to meet a girl to have sex with, I am not at the point where it would be a fair goal to have, but just to make some friends and see if I can enjoy seeing them socially. Would be a big step for me.
Day#47
I wake up. I really felt the inner resistance towards going to the course. Why cant I just sleep instead. In jnauary I was going to start another course and it didnt go very well. I went to the building, but I was late and didnt immediatly find the classroom so I turned around and went home instead. What a fail lol. Then I went to the next lecture but didn't talk to anyone and decided it was a boring course and skipped it. It was mathematical analysis so maybe it was for the best, even if my goal there was to make friends. Anyway this time I think to myself that if I can't go to this course I will never get anywhere and I will never change, so I go. I get there and ask for directions to the place, and a girl from Colombia comes after me asking for the same directions, I tell her that I will take her there and introduce myself. We talk a little about why we are here but we never get really deep or personal because we are both late and a little stressed. Boom! one down. I take a seat where I can find one. In the break I start speaking to some dudes and introduce myself to them, and later to a girl. Boom! another one down. I talk with another girl during our lecture and after it aswell. We break for lunch, I ask where she lives because she is going home for lunch. We are heading the same way but she has no bike and I do so she just takes off. I would have kept her company anyway but got the feeling she wanted me to leave her alone. I dont know why. Not my fault anyway, Im a sexy and cool guy. Boom! another one down.

I get back form lunch break. Take a seat next to a girl. Introduce. She was cool and had dreadlocks. I am about to ask her for paper but she reads my mind and gives me some sheets to write on. I get self conscious because I have been wearing the same clothes for 3 days without showering and I probably smell like shit. Then we are forced to talk to eachother and she is surprisingly cool. I go wash up in the bathroom and feel better. We even talk more than the bare minimum. Boom! another one down. Then I go home and relax.

Out of these 4 girls I really liked the one with the dreads. I felt the urge to be physical with her as I was sitting next to her but I didnt do anything. Good day so far but the sun is not set yet.

By the way a thing that is really worth mentioning is that I had a very similar chance to losing my virginity in November that I have written about here: http://www.rsdnation.com/node/167387?page=12#comment-801455
That time I walked away but this time I did not. It shows that the process of change can be slow and especially if you do it like me and don't push it very hard its very much an untangible change at times. But its always there and if you can keep your faith to push yourself that tiny little bit on ocassion you will eventually look back and see you have come quite far even if it will feel like you are stomping the same grounds over and over. That is my message to humanity and it is what I want to show you with this journal. I mean look at the posts from the earlier pages and compare them to now, and hopefully the future posts will show an even bigger change.

One love,
Thor
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