THE FORUMS

September 23rd, 2014
Relationship Questions: Fire Away
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Caligula

Caligula

Trusted Member

Join Date: 06/23/2008 | Posts: 1626

Hey guys,

I'm going to be moving in a couple of days and stop posting as much on this forum. I've tried to post as much stuff as I could over the past few months, and I hope you've gotten some value out of it all.

Anyways, if you've got a question about creating long term relationships, ask them here. I'll answer as many as I can for the next couple of days.

-Caligula
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#1
jlaix

jlaix

Instructor | Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/20/2006 | Posts: 8289

 what makes you an expert on relationships
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#2
Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

How do I get a girlfriend?
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
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#3
Caligula

Caligula

Trusted Member

Join Date: 06/23/2008 | Posts: 1626

jlaix wrote:
 what makes you an expert on relationships
Nothing. I'm not an expert, but I can definitely offer some guys who want to create successful LTRs some value.
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#4
Koolaid

Koolaid

Trusted Member

Join Date: 03/02/2007 | Posts: 2278

How many successful LTRs have you created?
__________________
Jeffy Bootcamp Alumnus Oct 30-Nov 1, 2009
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/138865

Life changing self-esteem article by Tyler
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=12471

Excellent post about practice and consistency by Ozzie. Really hits home.
http://www.rsdnation.com/showthread.php?t=13223

Field report thread.
http://rsdnation.com/node/127554
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#5
Caligula

Caligula

Trusted Member

Join Date: 06/23/2008 | Posts: 1626

Koolaid wrote:
How do I get a girlfriend?
Be an attractive guy, meet lots of girls, hook up and spend time together. Very simple, but lacking one will block your from getting a girlfriend (unless you get lucky).

Keeping the girl around and evolving the relationship is a little more involved.
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#6

Bulrathi

Respected Member

Join Date: 08/03/2010 | Posts: 503

 How do you minimize pain when you want to break-up with a girl that really likes you?Would you consider lying to decrease pain, if so, what type of lie would you tell?
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#7

Smoove

Respected Member

Join Date: 01/29/2010 | Posts: 367

Okay, I'll bite.

how *DO* you keep the girl around and evolve the relationship?

My LTR has been quite the source of drama and heartache lately. I'm on a bit learning curve with my LTR and myself, and want to keep my relationship-- any ideas on how to keep the girl around are greatly appreciated.

What I've been learning lately is to just be rooted in myself, clear in the understanding that I am amazing, focused on living my own life fully self expressed-- To be in congruence with my highest vision of self, or  being committed to loving her, while being centered in myself.

The trouble comes when I start wanting things to work-- to keep the harmony, to do things to make her happy, etc. We live together, and she gets angry a lot. I'm more strong, but quiet and peaceful (most of the time).

It's like the moment I start caring about things working, she gets weird and pulls away. The moment I let go and only focus on my value, she's in love with me.

I know this is classic, but I find it shallow and ultimately not much of a relationship.

How to move beyond such push-pull, and into a deeper more authentic connection?

How to keep her attracted when she's seeing me as low value?  How to stay in my power in the face of her judgements? How DOES one apply PUA knowledge to create successful LTR's?


Advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
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#8
Caligula

Caligula

Trusted Member

Join Date: 06/23/2008 | Posts: 1626

Bulrathi wrote:
 How do you minimize pain when you want to break-up with a girl that really likes you?Would you consider lying to decrease pain, if so, what type of lie would you tell?
A little vague. What's a summary of the situation so I can give you a more useful answer?

Speaking broadly, breakups suck even if you're the one doing the breaking up. Seeing a girl you at one point, or still, care about get sad blows. From her end, it's even worse.

Realize that she has all kinds of fantasies running in her mind about who you are and the kind of relationship the two of you will have together- usually pretty idealistic. When you break up with her, that happy little fantasy going on in her head blows up. I've seen girls go full ho mode after the breakup of an LTR because of they get all jaded when their fantasies are ruined.

This isn't universal, but I'm speaking broadly here.

As the man in the relationship, you need to be the leader in the relationship. This means that if you think it would be best for the two of you to redefine or end your relationship, you need to sit down with her, tell her what's up and then hold space for her while she emotes. Frame it as "this relationship isn't what's best for the two of us" and that the two of you need to take some time apart from one another. Women are much more in touch with their feelings than guys are, so they can take it if you're direct with them much better than most guys can. Lying and fluffing up the whole thing won't really help you that much (If you found another girl, then you may want to leave that out).

The most important part, off course, is to hold space for her when she's crying and what not after she realizes that it's over. This is when you need to hold her tight in your arms and really display your certainty and confidence. Say things like "it's ok" and "whatever comes up is fine." Affirm that it's all going to be ok. Do NOT say "oh, you don't need to cry baby." She needs to emote and fully ride that emotional wave.

No matter what, it's going to be hard and it won't be smooth. That said, if you keep in mind "we're ending this for the benefit of both of us" and "hold space," you'll do as good as you can do.
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#9
Caligula

Caligula

Trusted Member

Join Date: 06/23/2008 | Posts: 1626

Smoove wrote:
Okay, I'll bite.

how *DO* you keep the girl around and evolve the relationship?

My LTR has been quite the source of drama and heartache lately. I'm on a bit learning curve with my LTR and myself, and want to keep my relationship-- any ideas on how to keep the girl around are greatly appreciated.

What I've been learning lately is to just be rooted in myself, clear in the understanding that I am amazing, focused on living my own life fully self expressed-- To be in congruence with my highest vision of self, or  being committed to loving her, while being centered in myself.

The trouble comes when I start wanting things to work-- to keep the harmony, to do things to make her happy, etc. We live together, and she gets angry a lot. I'm more strong, but quiet and peaceful (most of the time).

It's like the moment I start caring about things working, she gets weird and pulls away. The moment I let go and only focus on my value, she's in love with me.

I know this is classic, but I find it shallow and ultimately not much of a relationship.

How to move beyond such push-pull, and into a deeper more authentic connection?

How to keep her attracted when she's seeing me as low value?  How to stay in my power in the face of her judgements? How DOES one apply PUA knowledge to create successful LTR's?


Advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
It's great to hear that you've found a girl that you like!

Definitely read this post, as it will give you a great perspective on how to integrate the stuff you have learned via the community with creating an awesome LTR: http://www.rsdnation.com/node/159224

When you read it, post your takeaways here along with what you're still unclear about.
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#10
Progression

Progression

Member

Join Date: 07/24/2010 | Posts: 41

 Hey Caligula,

Just curious, how come you'll stop posting less when you move? Is there no internet there or something?

Now for my question on relationships. How do you keep your relationship from falling into a rut? You must know what I mean....same sex, same jokes, same same same. It just gets so predictably boring after a while. 
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 "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle
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