THE FORUMS

Hey guys,

On someone's thread about six to ten months ago, I commented that I found a way to beat the problem of not being able to "get hard" during game time. I still have five or six PM's in my inbox asking me about that, so it's about time I answered the question.

In a interesting irony, I got hit with the opposite problem this year: finishing way too fast. At the worst moment,I was inside a girl literally a half a second before blowing my load. Definitely was a little awkward.

Luckily I was able to fix that problem as well, so I thought the best way to go about this was to have one monster post on resolving the two most common sexual issues men have.

We'll start with the first one:

Problem #1: "I can't get it up!"

For some reason, this issue doesn't get talked much before a man becomes sexually active. The classic story is "Boy meets Girl. Boy dates Girl. Boy takes Girl in back seat of Chevy. Boy finishes in 30 seconds."

That story is in countless teen oriented sex comedies. In fact, it was taken to the extreme in American Pie, where the main character doesn't even get his pants off before he finishes.

You never hear about a teenager having his first time in the back seat... and not getting an erection to even begin the job. Maybe we don't hear that story because there's no humor in it. It's just a depressing, pathetic image that we want to sweep under the rug.

The first time I got laid, at age 21, I was able to get it up and get it in, but was seriously SHOCKED that I didn't finish. How was this possible? Did this mean that pussy didn't do it for me? I walked around the next day wondering what this meant about me, if there was something wrong with my head, or worst case scenario... if I had been unconsciously gay this whole time.

The girl took the sex-fail personally as well, thinking that it meant that she wasn't attractive enough.

After I sent that big "I GOT LAID!!!" text to everyone in my phone, I contacted a few buddies about my concerns about not finishing. Bear in mind, it wasn't that I got soft a minute in, it was more just the shock that I didn't orgasm. After hearing enough perspectives, I understood that this was normal enough, so I stopped worrying about any psychological or sexual orientation possibilities. Phew.

However, the damage was done. I started getting nervous with the next girl, and begun a cycle of getting what they call "performance anxiety," right at game time. I would get the girl in bed, be hard and ready to go, even get the condom on....

...then go soft.

The issue wasn't just embarrassing for me. It was embarrassing for HER.

I've concluded that no matter how much research a woman can read on sexual dysfunction, she will find a way to blame herself for it, and then blame you for making her blame herself.

There's no logic or reason behind it. It is selfish on the woman's part, and it is aggravating, but it is the hand we're dealt. When teams were picked in the game of sex, you could either land on the side where your partners are emotional and illogical... or land on the side where YOU are emotional and illogical. Both have their issues, and I'd say we got the luckier end of the deal.

So, going soft at game time led to bad vibes in bed, which led to women not returning. The women not returning led to greater anxiety when new women were in bed. The greater anxiety with new women in bed resulted in... you guessed it. The cycle goes on and on.

Now let's break the cycle.

I'm going to give you the solution. No matter how long you've had this problem, you can cure it in one night (meaning the next night you have a girl in bed). I'm not even joking here. If you can bring home a girl tonight, this can be the last time you're ever faced with this problem again.

Step 1: Let go of outcome.

I didn't even want to put this step in, because I'm sure you've heard it a million times. However, this is important. The more important it is for you to get hard, the less likely you are to actually get hard. Anxiety releases a chemical that kills sexual state. Logical thinking does the same thing.

If you're thinking "I must get it up, I must get it up, I must get it up," and your emotions match what you feel during the last half hour of your Organic Chemistry II exam, you penis will not cooperate with you.

Just like Tyler talks about the bar being your pick-up lab, give yourself permission to see this experience with your new partner as part of your "sexual lab." Give yourself permission to fail, and acknowledge that if it doesn't work out, there will be plenty of other girls. If your options with women have been really limited as of late, it is even more important that you adopt this attitude. The "it will be a long time before I get another woman back here," becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Also, let go of trying to figure it out. The next most limiting thought to "I MUST get hard" is "How do I get hard? How can I can make this happen?"

Step 2: When you are given the green light to penetrate, relax and hang back.

In most sexual encounters I experienced, the foreplay increases and increases, until shes' ready for it, and then you rush to get the condom on to preserve the passion of the moment, and then get inside.

If you've been having trouble getting it up, you have to let go of of that linear process.

Instead of rushing to get the condom on, lay next to her, and say something like "We're going to just chill for a minute."

Cuddle her, kiss her a bit, even talk some. Your heartbeat will start slowing back to normal, and your blood will re-balance to the appropriate areas. When you're feeling chilled out, scale up the foreplay again.

Step 3: Hump Your Way to Glory

When you've relaxed, get on top of her, and get your thighbone between her legs, and her thigh bone between your legs. It may help to have your penis on the outside of her thigh.

Begin humping her and gyrating your though into her groin.

Two things are happening here. One, she's getting massive stimulation from the thigh bone, so her needs are being taken care of for the moment.

At the same time, from your body's position, your body's motions, and the sounds coming from the woman, your subconscious mind is tricked into thinking it's having sex already. As the minutes go by, your subconscious adjusts to the new experience of you having hot, enjoyable sex. Where it once was screwing you up, the subconscious mind starts becoming ok with the idea and cooperates. Your penis gets hard, especially as it's being rubbed with the woman's thigh.

After some more minutes of gyrating with her, your penis reaches the "point of no return," where it wants to stay hard until released from the built up sexual energy. You'll have a good sense when this happens.

At this point, put the condom on. You can actually try putting the condom on before the humping too. It depends how hard you can get at the time. Once the condom is on, resume humping and then spread her legs. She should be very well lubricated by now from all the sexual stimulation. If it's not, you'll figure it out, but this time it won't be your sexual organs with the problem.

Insert yourself in and you're good to go.

I want to make clear that once you successfully do this, it does not mean you will orgasm during this session. To be honest, it took me seven girls before I orgasmed from sex. It would have been far fewer if I'd read the article I'm writing to you right now.

Most likely, you will go through a period of being a "sexual champion," where you can go 25-35 minutes without even coming close to finishing.

This isn't a problem, and it will pass. Just enjoy it for what it is. Some guys in the phase fake orgasm to make the woman feel good, but I never did. By the time I'd beaten the "can't get it up" dilemma, I had no shame in not finishing and was happy to just have a good romp, give her 3-8 orgasms, and then pull out and let the boner go down on it's own time.

I'm no condom expert, but for this issue, I highly suggest you AVOID Trojans. It's a cruel fate that Trojan was the most well-marketed condom when I was growing up and became the first few boxes that I bought. My favorite condom company is Durex, especially their Avanti (polyurethane) brand (those do slip off a little more easily, so be careful!). I'm sure you can google some more sensitive ones, but they'll definitely do the job for you.

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Problem #2 "I cum way too fast!"

If you have this problem, you can rest easy. Fixing the "cumming too fast" problem is seriously 100x easier than fixing the "can't get it up" problem.

First, let me explain what's going on in your body that makes it happen.

Ejaculation is more than a release of semenal fluid. It is a release of built up sexual energy and tension. When the sexual energy passes a certain point in anyone's body, it becomes uncomfortable. As it raises beyond the discomfort level, your body wants to get rid of it. Your mind also wants to get rid of it.

Have you ever woken up with a boner on a Saturday, and felt like you needed to rub one off before going about your day? Maybe you felt like you wouldn't be able to get anything done if you didn't blast off and get this out of your system. In fact, maybe you were going to a meeting or an event and you felt worried that you wouldn't have time to wack off before leaving, that it would mess up the event, or even the rest of your day, if you didn't get this taken care of.

This kind of mentality is what causes premature ejaculation. To put it as simple as possible - you cumming too soon comes 100% from your low tolerance to internal sexual pressure.

How to solve it? It's pretty straightforward, and not unlike "social pressure" (for you old school guys), in how you gain power over the weakness.

You build a tolerance to internal sexual pressure gradually. The good news is that unlike the first problem I mentioned above, you can fix this issue ENTIRELY on your own before you have your next sexual encounter. The "can't get it up" solution requires some self control and mental discipline whith the woman in your bed, while the "cumming too soon" solution is all in the preparation. Once you have this fixed, it's fixed. You can't get nervous and "screw it up" at game time.

This is where your secret best friend comes in... your porno stash.

Get some of your usual porn, and begin your wanking session. You know how long it usually takes you. If you have this problem, I'm betting it's 5 minutes or less. Or, it could be 20. Whatever it is, add 20 minutes ON TOP of that to calculate your "blast off" time. Seriously look at a clock and decide the minimum time before you can finish. There comes a point in masturbation and sex where you get "over the hump", and know you're going to cum at some point. When you reach that point, you can adjust your stroking to less intense, or stop stroking at all. Or you can pause the porn or take it to a boring part of the film. Either way, you have to not let your dick get soft. It really shouldn't if you've passed the "point of no return" in the session.

Do some deep breathing if you have to, and get back to the level where you don't feel like you're about to burst. Start doing your wanking as usual with the porn in a hot scene again, and when the pressure gets up to blast-off levels, hang back, pause the porn, etc. Do this again and again as you approach your scheduled time for blast-off.

How many times do you need to do this procedure? Probably four of these super-wank sessions should cure you, no joke. It's really, really easy to fix.

If you MUST make this more difficult, you can do other day to day things, like practice getting a boner and doing nothing with this. Do whatever you can to build a tolerance to internal sexual pressure.

You'll find building this tolerance helps you in-field too when you're talking to a super hot chick, get turned on, and then not spaz out. Also during LMR it will really help as the woman sees you're super turned on by her but still in control. It's the best of both worlds.

Your internal sexual pressure is not something to fear or reject. It's a part of you. So next time you feel like you HAVE to get your rocks off or you won't be able to do your Organic Chemistry II homework, just see what happens if let the feelings just be.

There you have it, the two biggest sexual performance issues FIXED FOR LIFE. Everything else you can get from practice or reading "Sex: A Man's Guide" or "Guide to Getting it On."

--Dan