THE FORUMS
Not really sure how to get started
I think your already on the right track. You have identified your problems and are devleoping ways to fix them. It sounds like your taking action which is huge.
I would suggest focusing on each part of your personality you want to improve and spending some time improving each quality one at a time. Push the comfort zone and try things that you fear or feel uncomfortable with. The more you step into the unknown, the more you will grow, and the better the skills you will have.
I would suggest focusing on each part of your personality you want to improve and spending some time improving each quality one at a time. Push the comfort zone and try things that you fear or feel uncomfortable with. The more you step into the unknown, the more you will grow, and the better the skills you will have.
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Pick up will in turn help you develop these social skills. Just get yourself out there. Like to the other guy that asked about this put yourself out there and just say random shit. Always be getting out of your comfort zone. Its really hard for me to get embarassed and care about it nowadays. Sometimes I even do stupid shit on purpose for a laugh.
Most of the negative beliefs will go away with time+right action. All the small things will add up fairly quickly.
What do you mean by random shit? Just talking nonsense or? Most of the negative beliefs will go away with time+right action. All the small things will add up fairly quickly.
I think your already on the right track. You have identified your problems and are devleoping ways to fix them. It sounds like your taking action which is huge.
I would suggest focusing on each part of your personality you want to improve and spending some time improving each quality one at a time. Push the comfort zone and try things that you fear or feel uncomfortable with. The more you step into the unknown, the more you will grow, and the better the skills you will have.
Thanks.I would suggest focusing on each part of your personality you want to improve and spending some time improving each quality one at a time. Push the comfort zone and try things that you fear or feel uncomfortable with. The more you step into the unknown, the more you will grow, and the better the skills you will have.
The biggest thing i have a problem with is talking to random people. I keep trying to build myself up for it when waiting for the bus but just can't seem to force myself to speak the words. I just think what will the other people waiting think of me or i cant talk to that person because of how/where they are standing etc. I think this is a big barrier for me and i'm going to try and smash it over the next few weeks.
you've made alot of small changes which is good and add up... but what you need for real significant lasting change is a couple of particular actions you can repeat over and over. I'd say for pickup its going to clubs and approaching girls, and for general social abundance it's organising things (trips out, nights out, parties) and being a social leader. Also just JOINING in new challenging things and taking on new hobbies that force you to grow socially.
The talking to random people thing is interesting, it is useful to do but i wouldnt focus on that as the core way to "become social"... because theres no reason to WANT to do it for its own sake (other than as a challenge to grow thru). It's not acting on your core. Whereas talking to girls and trying to pick them up is an action in line with your value of "fucking new girls".
If I were you, I'd:
-commit to organising 2 things every week with a group of people. Think trip out, fun night out, cinema, art/culture event, etc etc. Anything will work as long as it's something you'd ENJOY for its own sake, and that you're taking the leadership/organiser role.
-join a new club. Martial arts, improv comedy or toastmasters public speaking etc. Whatever looks exciting and challenging.
-goto clubs and approach girls with the intent of taking them home a couple of nights a week - three is preferable. Doesnt matter whether with friends or community guys; criteria for success is approaching X number of times a night (set it to at least 10 per night on thurs/fri/sat) and escalating with conviction.
Those are you basics, your social "barbell squats" that force you to change for the better over time.
The talking to random people thing is interesting, it is useful to do but i wouldnt focus on that as the core way to "become social"... because theres no reason to WANT to do it for its own sake (other than as a challenge to grow thru). It's not acting on your core. Whereas talking to girls and trying to pick them up is an action in line with your value of "fucking new girls".
If I were you, I'd:
-commit to organising 2 things every week with a group of people. Think trip out, fun night out, cinema, art/culture event, etc etc. Anything will work as long as it's something you'd ENJOY for its own sake, and that you're taking the leadership/organiser role.
-join a new club. Martial arts, improv comedy or toastmasters public speaking etc. Whatever looks exciting and challenging.
-goto clubs and approach girls with the intent of taking them home a couple of nights a week - three is preferable. Doesnt matter whether with friends or community guys; criteria for success is approaching X number of times a night (set it to at least 10 per night on thurs/fri/sat) and escalating with conviction.
Those are you basics, your social "barbell squats" that force you to change for the better over time.
Canon
Member
Join Date: 03/01/2010 | Posts: 37
I do want to get better with women but i believe that being a social person in all aspects of life is far more beneficial than practicing pick-up alone and that women will follow as a result. After reading this forum for a while i believe its the best place to be for the type of change i'm looking for which is why im making this post.
I am also studying to be a lawyer and solid social skills are absolutely vital to being successful so it's very important that i start making improvements in this aspect of my life.
A rought list of my problems are:
- Not very comfortable in normal social situations
- Not comfortable when talking to new people (fine when talking to people that i know pretty well)
- In my head wayyyy too much. I over anaylse everything.
- I guess i give off a vibe that im not very social as people generally dont take me very seriously and i get pretty much ignored in group conversations.
- Not that comfortable with holding eye contact
- Very critical of my looks (even though i try to convince myself its insignificant)
- Bad at public speaking ( i man up for my presentations and they go OK, but they could be much better if i were more condifent.
What i've been doing the last few weeks:
- Making and holding eye contact with strangers. Sometimes i can hold it till they walk past and other times i instinctively look away.
- Greeting random people as i wak by them on the street (just good morning or whatever).
- Talking to people on my course that i have never spoken to before (this has been pretty successful and i've made some new friends).
- Trying to work on body language (standing straighter etc)
- Vocal projection (I talk louder when i think about it but otherwise i slip back into quiet mode where i have to repeat myself constantly).
- Eating healthier (stopped drinking cola etc)
- Going to the gym + running
Do any of you have any advice on what else i can do to try and work on my core so that i can be a social person without all these negative thoughts and beliefs? I know that they are irrational but it doesn't seem to matter and they still get the better of me.