THE FORUMS

December 11th, 2016
THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL, ONLY FIELD WORK.
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socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

11/22/2010 UPDATED

Backsliding

Noticed that my depression and negative mental loop got to me. Wanting to progress but unable to act, this was killing me. Finally decided to let it go, the other thing wasn't working for me. Taking a bootcamp a few months back and watch the hotseat was valuable but it wasn't the instant fix I'd hoped it would be. I decided that if I'm going to get decent, I've got to be honest with myself and start from the beginning. I'm not going out and have crazy ass makeouts or one night stands or any crazy adventures right now. I'm deathly afraid to even approach, although on and off I've had success with the opposite sex but it seemed more like luck if anything.

Essentially, I'm really bad at approaching strangers and just being comfortable with it. I don't have sex with different girls right now and ever since bootcamp I've only had sex with 2 different girls which puts me at a total of 9 and they weren't really girls I wanted. At first I did but then not really, I think it was more of my loneliness and being horny as fuck that made me pull the trigger.

Ultimately, I know I want to be in a great relationship. Not a needy one, I've been in one before and it was great. I want that real emotional connection or being able to go out there and put myself on the line and eventually find it.

So I've decided to just work on this little by little and stop watching life pass me by.

IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW LONG I TAKE, AS LONG AS I DON'T STOP.



My original 1st post
Hi All,

I've decided to become serious about this and not half-ass my journal and note my progress as my journey unfolds.

Any suggestions, recommendations are much appreciated. 

3/02/2010
A little about socialstar.

I've grown up as an introvert.  Went to a catholic school, only Asian there, picked on because of my height or ethnicity.  I was truly an outcast there, nobody really got where I was coming from.  My Mom abandoned me since birth, my Dad was murdered when I was 4 years old.  I grew up in a very broken up home and family, drugs, alcohol, abuse, you name it. 

I resorted to videogames as my escape from reality until my highschool years.  During all that time, I trained myself to be an outcast and accepted what everybody viewed me as.  (Social conditioning)

In my Junior year of High School, I met some friends through my competitive gaming at a lan center.  (I WAS TOTAL NERD)  These guys eventually became my best of friends.  They taught me many things about myself that I didn't know and I am really grateful/appreciative of how much they've impacted my life.  I went from total loner to Mr. Popular, but I still had these nagging negative feelings inside of me.

After my High School graduation, I immediately moved from my farming town to Los Angeles.  There, I lived with my Dad's sister who is the best aunt ever.  I got into mortgages and did really well.  I decided that it was time to venture out on my own in life and get away from my family and my problems.  I moved out and lived with a roommate in Pasadena in a awesome bachelor's pad.  (Coincidentally my Boss/best friend at that time.)  He was a like a mentor to me and always looking out for me.  The guy had his own problems and he always took the time to listen to me whenever I needed it.  I listened to him as well and I've learned lessons from the stories he's told me.

During my time in Pasadena, I got into my 1st relationship.  Which was really strange for me, because I was so used to being alone or thinking that nobody would ever want me.  (I had sex before, but no girl I ever had an emotional connection with.)  This girl was different from the rest and it was great times.  A year and a half later she broke my heart, it was a complete shock to me.  I thought everything was going great, but that's a different story.

I fell into a deep sadness, I thought I had healed from my childhood abandonments, trauma and wounds, but as soon as she said goodbye...  It was literally like my Dad dying all over again, piled with all my negative thoughts flooding back in.  It drove me mad and I did really stupid things, not often but I did regret doing drugs, drinking and sleeping with other girls to get over her.  It didn't work, it made things worse if anything.

How I got into pickup is the typical story, my friend got into pickup through VH1's reality show "The PickUp Artist".  I thought it was so lame and manipulative, but my friend swore it worked and he did a demo for me.  I got into MM and it made me even worse when things wouldn't go my way.  As Tyler said, I was looking for a magic pill that would solve all my problems so I wouldn't have to endure this pain. 

I became obsessed about pickup and I found ways to get my hands on anything I could, Style's Anhilation Method, Matador, David D, Bad Boy and other so called PickUp Artists.  I tried all these methods and I felt a cognitive dissonance.  It was not coming from me and I felt bad on the inside because it wasn't what I wanted to do.  "Who lies more?  Men or Women?"  It makes me sick that I used to believe in those stupid routines and having it fail constantly.

I stumbled on to RSD through the Don Juan Forums.  Somebody had real social dynamics in their signature and I visted the link, however my initial impression was WTF is this.  So I closed it, not knowing the gold mine I had discarded.  Continued with the routines and having it blow up in my face because of my incongruency and just flat out being LAME.  I did more forum lurking and once again, read about bootcamps and somebody had mentioned RSD.  I remembered it because it had a distinctive name.

This time around, I found myself checking out the articles, the free materials and the forums.  Lots of knowledge here and I absorbed it all, implementing it would be a different story.  Around that time I was fucked in the head and emotionally, to put it bluntly.

It's been a few months and I'm much more stable as I'm working through my unresolved childhood emotions and negative thinking patterns that dictate my behavior.  I want to get this handled because I deserve better than this and to thorougly enjoy the journey.  The ups, the downs, the valleys, the peaks and the plateaus.

I'm getting a little better at being comfortable with who I am.  It's a slow process but it feels like this is exactly where I need to be, no matter how painful, how hard or how much I have to struggle.  It sucks having this type of mindframe, but until I get there, I won't understand, so for now I'll continue through my path and the road less traveled.

My goals

--become that guy Tyler talks in about in BP.
--be unreactive
--live life according to my own standards
--abundance mindset
--social person
--be comfortable with who i am

2/23/2010
Earlier this day I felt like shit, bored out of my mind.  Same old work routine and same old manager not doing his job.  Change is undergoing, just stick my nose to the ground and keep working, it's all I can do for now. 

Felt fury building all day because of my lack of results and progression lately.  Number closed here and there, but nothing panned out.  Decided to make one last attempt and mass text my numbers, weed out the unresponses and focus on getting some fresh leads.  Haha, telemarketing/sales lingo.

I deleted the unresponsive ones or the ones leading no where, aka flaking, excuses or just vague. No time for this bullshit. One even said she didn't want to lead me on and that's when the Emo started to lurk in, later that night the FURY was raging.  (No clue why?  Maybe, unacceptance of these stupid emotions that bring me down and not accepting this reality?)

Surprisingly, the fucking HB9 blondefishnets texts me back after 3 failed voice messages.  (I had left 3 in the span of 4 weeks since I last got her number, unresponsive each time.)  She wanted to know who this was, and with her, I played the I'm the perverted Asian Fob who needs a green card and swooped this away woman from a bunch of orbiters.  (Literally picked up and somewhat drunkenly stumbled away while others watched.)  We started talking and she apologized for being a brat as she is now back with her boyfriend.  No reaction from me, simply asked for the facebook and implied cute girls have cute single friends.  Done deal, next week she is introducing me to her crew because she thinks I'm awesome, or at least the impression I've made.

It's quite funny how one experience turned this all around.  The glorious feeling of HB9 blondefishnets validating me is dying and once again I fall back into the pitfalls of wanting more and being bored.  (I only feel good when I get external responses of outcomes I want, which shouldn't be the case.)

I want to work on getting better at this and being less dependent on the outcome.  Abundance mentality, need to drill this into my head.

Lesson learned:

--follow up on numbers
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#1

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

2/24/2010

No gaming tonight gents, at least nothing out in field.  (Internet game, oh ho, crafty am I?)  Work and music class, then gym today.  Mentally and physically drained.  Tomorrow I will be going out with my "fake" sis with her girlfriends for her 21st bday.  I wonder what do you get for a fake sister, I'm guessing the more booze the better.

Thinking about transforming myself and my goals, I figured I share some of them with you guys.  I want to obtain the abundance mentality,  build an unfuckable foundation and lifestyle that gives me more freedom.  Be my own rock type of mental masterbation. 

Reviewing my old memories of my successes and failures, some I laugh at and others still hurt.  I wonder if this pain is a good indication of where I'm going with this whole thing.  Am I using pickup as a bandaid to my deep wounds, or this what I really want?  Haha, I think all men want beautiful women constantly hounding them.  Maybe a farfetched dream?  Shit, TIME TO READ STRENGTH OF REALITY.  : )
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#2

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

2/26/2010 running on 2 hours of sleep.  i will make this as concise as i possibly can in this state.

went out on 2/25/2010 for my little sister's bday, she turns 21 today.  went out to red night club in newport beach, unfamiliar territory and i can feel the anxiety building.  i pick up my friend J as he wanted to go out and one of my other buddies in PUA, wingman in training.

we get to the club, stand in a long ass line.  my friend is rolling(doing ecstacy) and somewhat approaching girls in the line.  i'm choding out and soaking the environment in, long work day, school and then gym.  i'm pretty much spent and not looking to socialize.  i'm breathing in and out, observing and trying to understand the whole social dynamic.  it seems like everything is in relation and i am part of that relation whether i want to believe it or not.  the music thumping, the girls are pouring in and the guys are going through their objectives of the night, which is to get as fucked as possible and get some pussy.

i don't know what it is, but in my head i swear girls are checking me out and i'm feeling like i'm starting to develop presence.  i ignore the feeling as it could be an ego thing, but i feel a little happy and tired. i receive a text from my little sister saying there is no guest list and i can go straight in, just drop XXXX's name and i'm in.  i make my way from the back of the line to the front, find out that the party is at the otherside of the building, which is called ten, it's a sushi restaurant that converts into a 21 and over club at 11 and they both connect.  i make my way to ten.  i see the hostess and drop XXXX's name, i get in and chode around.

my friend is pretty flamboyant when he's drunk or rolling.  he's saying "Hiiiiiii girlssssss", think chris tucker from fifth element.  it's hilarious.

I chill near the bar and watch the two big screens playing sports highlight and accept the anxiety I feel.  A girl walks by and I smile, before thinking, I tell her she's gorgeous.  I get a return smile and she walks on off, turns out she's the other hostess of the joint.  Continue to chode around and it's getting cold inside.  I remember seeing a fireplace outside, I make my way outside and see a BOMBSHELL, this girl is fucking hot, like I want to defile you right here and right now hot.  I admire her captivating beauty.  I make my way to the fireplace, but I have to maneuver through the BOMBSHELL and the 3 orbiters.  I say excuse me as I make my way to the far end and try to get far away as possible from human contact.  They make room for me and I get to my destination.  I look out towards the parking lot and watch vallet take people's cars  I overhear the conversation next to me, the first thing that BOMBSHELL comments on is her not believing that the tiny Asian boy said "excuse me", has acne, has braces and wears accessories.  (She's talking about me)

Ouch, I hear the words and let it settle with me. It reaffirms what I already believe about myself. (Super chode)  I stand around and just warm myself with the fire.  I do this for 20 minutes and just chill.  Eventually, I see my aunt and her boyfriend and my uncle.  We catch up as I hardly see them.  I go from anti-social, to my normal loud eccentric self.  My goal was to not drink tonight but I'm not the one to refuse free drinks!  I keep the social momentum going, and my little sister finally arrives.

We start drinking and the sushi joint is converting into a club.  As I drink, I value scan the room.  So many fucking gorgeous women, one that stood out was this playboy version of pocahontas.  Dear fucking god, she was wearing a tight fitted dress that accentuated her body.  Her ass was OMFG.  All I did was check her out and chode out.

The music starts blaring, they start playing electro...  Not my type of music, but I'll dance.  I get more alcohol as bottle service it's free for XXXX's birthday and we have a table.  We move to the table and I start drinking like a fool without a cause.  One of the girls at our table, she'll be known as HB Tubetop, she was pretty but she looked run down from the party scene and appeared older, as I found later in the night, she is the same age me.  It's very sobering seeing this pretty girl herself with all drugs and alcohol

All this drinking makes me want to pee.  I make my way to the restroom and on the way back, I see this girl at the bar, I smile and she smiles back, I finger gesture her to come hither.  No dice, I make my way back to the table to drink some more with the little sister.  HB Tubetop is talking to my uncle and keeps looking at me.  I don't really pay her any attention.  I start to dance and get a little loose as I was stiff and stifled.  Need to pee again, FUCK.  Make my way to the restroom, this time on the way there, I stop by the bar and I approach the girl I mentioned earlier.  I tell her "you're fucking gorgeous and I had to come talk to you", she gives me a huge smile and I say let's dance, she says no it's okay.  I take her hand and twirl her and she keeps repeating no, it's okay.  I needa pee and the inner chode speaks, I get into her ear and say have a good and smile as I leave.  Fuck.  =/

Walk around and dance towards the table.  Eventually making my way back and I make another mixed drink.  I sit and chill, HB Tubetop comes from no where as my uncle is pushing her on me.  She's spilling her drink all over me and I move her off as I'm carrying my little sister's shit.  I pull my uncle in as I get up so he can distract her so I can dance the night away.  I don't get his logic of him pushing her on me then saying that she's a skank and to not do it.  I simply nod and go dance with the fam bam.

I have a good time and work a little sweat, it's getting hot.  Time to drink!  No alcohol this time, just cranberry with a splash of orange juice.  I'm starting to feel really buzzed so I go back down to sit.  HB Tubetop comes and plops down right next to me.  We start talking and she is drunk.  The only thing I remember talking about was this orbiter that watched over her like a lost kid without his mommy.  I ask if that's her boy toy, she states that is not her boyfriend but some guy that buys her everything, including her  implants.  I put my hand down her tubetop and feel her up.  First time I've felt fake titties and I will admit, they are nice.  She smiles at me and can't believe I did that.  I pull my hand out and she starts telling me how I'm good looking.  

My sister interrupts, she's drunk as shit and I take care of her.  HB Tubetop volunteers to take her to the restroom to yak.  Sweet, I don't have to hold her hair.  HAHA.

I decide to back to the open area and dance as I need to work off the buzz.  After awhil I make my way back to the table and I see HB Tubetop leaning forward on the table and her ass is hanging out.  I just saw ass and I smacked it, I didn't really care for the reaction.  I sat down and made sure the sis was alright.  HB Tubetop's orbiter came to me, IHis accent was really thick and I couldn't make out what he way saying.  I kept saying what?  HUH?  I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.  He gave me the middle finger and walked off. I laughed it off and he was wearing the typical clubbing attire, button up shirt with as much rhinestones as possible, expensive jeans and dress shoes with a fat ass watch.  What made me really laugh was his blue tooth ear piece and talking in the middle of a loud ass club.  REALLY?  Who the fuck goes to the club with an ear piece?  Trying to look like MR. IMPORTANT here.

Anywho, HB Tubetop comes to me and says that her orbiter is really mad that I smacked her ass.  I say I don't care.  She then goes on to explain that he's creepy and he won't leave her alone.  The lights turn on, time to go home.  Everybody is scrambling and I head to vallet with and proceed to get HB Tubetop's number with the intention of getting a blowjob or titty fuck, in my mind, I can't catch an std from either one of those right?  Needa google that later.  Orbiter gets really mad and I just sit there and carry on.

Get in my car and take my sis to her hotel.  Text HB Tubetop to see if she lost her chaperone, no response.  Drive my ass home and get 2 hours of sleep and go to work.  Get a text from her today and try to keep things sexual, she's not responding.  Miscalibrating on my part, not sure how to fix it.  Common occurence, get number, girl loses interest after banter, sexual texts or plain friendly.  I've tried many things and I'm at the point to say fuck texting, but the path of mastery is not an easy one.  I'll keep at it.

I'm horny as fuck since I gave up my friend with benefits so I can motivate myself to approach more.

Lesson learned
-self amuse
-stick in set; persistence is key
-build social momentum
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The FR

April 2010 Tyler Alumni
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#3

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

2/26/2010
went out to my dj friend's little home bday party.

i haven't seen this guy since high school, got him vodka and redbull as a gift.

didn't really do much other than drink and dance, it was a cockfest and the cute girls were taken, i did talk to all of them for the hell of social momentum.  i kept getting pulled back to the dance floor by the older black ladies because they want to dance with

2/27/2010
had a good night's rest, looking forward to tonight, gonna hit up a dubset.

got a text from HB Tubetop:

HB Tubetop: i am not a slut  (continuing from me telling her to get alone so i can come over after meeting her at my little sister's bday.)

me: i am

HB Tubetop: i'm not doing anything

me: lose the chaperone, i want to go watch cop out.

deadair by her
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#4

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

2/27/2010 @ the gym
flirted with the front desk gym girl that scans your ID and is also the cashier, but i don't really know what her official title is other than HB 24fitness

As I was leaving the gym, I asked her out to the movies because I wanted to watch cop out, but she let me know she's dating somebody. 

I'm laughing because I found out this girl has been dating this guy for 3 years, 2 years officially but the 1st year she spent chasing the guy and getting him to break up with his at the time girlfriend.  She went off to tell me that her she is so much better than her boyfriend's ex and went off into a whole story in which I cut off and just told her to have a good weekend.

She's 19 and a communications major, before I heard about how she landed her current boyfriend, I thought she was intelligent and looked innocent.  I assumed wrong. 

I learned a valuable lesson, this girl is crazy.  I shouldn't assume somebody's personality type based off their looks and FUCK I WANT A GIRL TO SCHEME TO STEAL ME AWAY FROM OTHER GIRLS...  haha.

How the fuck does this work?  Back to the drawing boards.
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#5

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

2/27/2010 @ home

it's raining in socal, still going to go out and have some fun.

i'm feeling anxious though, i've really been focusing on going out sober, but for the life of me, i can't.  if somebody offers me a free drink, i gladly accept.

i don't currently understand how the whole social dynamics work and how this skillset is actually achieved/mastered?

i've been reading mastery by george leonard and i feel like i need to find the right "master" to guide me through my journey into mastery.  saving for a bootcamp on my budget is tough, but it's a work in progress.  shit, i wonder if i can take out a loan for this?  HAHA.  i wanted to get this shit resolved.  it's like haunting me day and night.

have i really changed in the slightest bit?  i wonder how i can guage my current progress and how i can get success immediately...

fuck!  instant gratification is never the path of master, dammit i answered my own question about progress.  i'm on a fucking plateau.
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The FR

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#6

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

delay in field report, wanted to take a break.

on 2/27/2010, went out to a place that i wanted to make a stomping ground as i've been going there for a few weeks every saturday.  funny story actually, turns out last saturday of the month is gay night.  nothing much to report other than danced around, watched the naked girl on stage, get hit on by guys and scored a few free drinks.

the vibe there is weird there.  it has the musk of an orgy just waiting to happen.
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#7

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

3/03/2010

Had somewhat of a meltdown yesterday.  Really confused to who I am and what I want.  I find that my real identity is emerging and the mask I wear to fit into society is breaking.  I'm scared to know who I really am, it's like the person I've always saw myself as is not what I project.  I'm incongruent to myself and it's becoming more apparent that I do not act on my own intentions.

Today I feel really calm and a sense of being and tranquility.  It's like what Tolle talks about during the first chapter of his book "The Power of Now".  When he passed out from all the pain he was enduring and then waking to being completely in the moment.  It's becoming more and more consistent of when I feel alive and when I feel horrible.  I hope it's all part of the process of my deep identity change.

A question I have regarding this girl at the gym.  We catch eye contact and I'm not really sure how to approach this one.  She's very attractive and the only time we see each other is in the room full of mirrors where they hold the kickboxing/dancing/yoga classes.  I tend to use that room when I need to stretch or practice some dance move I saw on youtube.  I feel like I will come off a bit awkward because she's always doing ballet in there or stretching.  I'm not really comfortable approaching a girl that's doing the splits and other erotic stretches.  Ha ha.  HELP ME OUT ON THIS ONE!
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#8

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

3/07/2010
subtle changes in my personality.  it's not so hard to talk to people when i don't want anything from them, other than a good conversation.  i need to get that into my head about women as well.  to not look for validation or want anything from them and enjoy the present moment.  let it happen naturally instead of forcing things like the kool-aid man.  i'll try this angle for awhile and see how it works out.

Friday 3/05/2010
went to go watch starpool at slidebar in downtown fullerton, didn't approach much.  danced by myself, had a good time being sober as well, need to work on approaching more.

Saturday 3/06/2010
went out with my aunt to shoot some pool.  i'm decent, but i lack finesse, it got me thinking about pickup in general, i'm decent but i lack the finesse and patience.  it's funny how you improve one area of your life, everything else follows and falls into place.
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#9

socialstar

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Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

3/11/2010

Went out to the Artwork in downtown LA to hang out with a girl friend.  I have no understanding of art, can somewhat appreciate it.  Walking around, what caught my attention was pictures of burning man.  

A cutie opens me and starts talking about the whole burning man experience.  How it's costly because you have to prepare 7 days worth of rations and to definitely get your hands on some drugs to go on a psychedelic trip.  I stand there and stare her down, smile and really pay attention to the moment.  Enjoy our conversation, eventually we part ways because the girl friend is telling me that we have to hurry up and that the group is waiting outside.  I ask for her number and so I can text her sometimes.  She gives me her home number instead of her cell.  Hilarious, I needed to be more physical to get a more solid connection.

3/13/2010

Went over to my buddy's place in Chino Hills to watch the Pacman fight versus Clottey.  It wasn't the fight everyone wanted to see.  What made it even worse was Clottey's ridiculous turtle guard strategy.  Even his cornerman was pissed that he wouldn't open up and let the punches fly.  The cornerman even went so far as to comment on it with the announcers.  Manny was handed the belt, he didn't take it but he did what he could.

We smoked some hookah and chillaxed.  My buddy is also into PUA but more of a methodical man.  He knows of RSD, but he likes routines. 

It was getting late and a promoting friend wanted us to come out to her event because they were lacking in numbers.  We roll out to Ontario and wait for her to come out so we can get free entry. 

We're in and it's dead!  Straight up cock fest of the year and UGs everywhere.  I tell my friend I can't do this sober, he proceeds to the bar and gets me a beer.  Sweet, free entry and a free beer, my 1st of the night.  We enter the second room, which is the electro and dubset room.  We make best of our situation and I see this girl sitting down while I dance.  We hold eye contact, I smile and so does she.  She breaks eye contact first.  I keep dancing and I signal her to come out on this little dance floor.  She motions her head and I get a no.  Oh well, I keep dancing and I do it again.  This time she comes and says she can't dance to this music but will try.  We grind on each other and I ask if she can dance to hip hop.  She nods and I lead her to the hip hop room.

Once there, I watch her dance by herself and get in her face.  I look at her lips with so much intent and we dance a bit more.  Makeout happens. 

Throughout the night, we dance and makeout.  I lead her around the venue.  Electro room, I need water, I want to bump and grind.  I tried for the pull, no go.  She needs to look for her friend and being the gentlemen I am, I help her and lead.  We find her friend and I introduce myself to the both of them and finally get her name.  We exchange numbers and the friend drags her to the restroom and I was like FUCK.  I didn't know what to do so I let her go.  (I learned from this experience, always stick to the set!)

I tried to get her address through texting, no go.  I tried to get her to day2 today, no go.  I need more work on my text game.

That's it for now gents.
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#10

socialstar

Senior Member

Join Date: 09/23/2009 | Posts: 152

3/24/2010

Went out of the city for job related reasons and was in the area to meet the girl from 3/13/2010's FR on the way back home.  She was working and I needed to kill time.  So I met up with her.  (Keep in mind that I was nervous the whole ride there and kept repeating to myself that her being attracted to me is natural and ASSUME IT.)

Got to her job and attempted to be a value giver.  I surprised her a McParfait, a buck can provide good emotions.  : )

She works at a beauty supply store and it's slow, she has customers to deal with here and there.  We get to know each other a bit more.  I find out that her Mom just had her last session of chemo for breast cancer and she got a tatt of her Mom's name on the side of her body.  More banter and rapport, she's allergic to most nuts and melons, I give her shit about missing on some of the greatest things in life.  A customer walks in and interrupts, he's giving her a hard time and I text her "quit working and give me a kiss", she replies with that this guy is going to ruin her day.

A great idea popped into my head after that text,  I walk out of the beauty supply store and walk to CVS.  I get her a card that says YOU'RE AWESOME and a bag of milk chocolate hershey's kisses.  I write in the card, "Feel better! Here are some kisses.  With no nuts...  - my name"  She calls me and texts me asking where I went.  I get back to the store and hand her the bag, she reads the card and laughs and is in complete shock.  She starts saying how cute I am, blah blah.  We shoot some more shit and I have to leave.  I try to get her to leave the store to the front but it's a no go, because she knows my intention is to get physical.  All I get is a hug : (

*I seriously hope she gets the sexual innueno.*

I keep plowing and plowing and plowing and plowing.  It seems like she really likes me, but sees me as the provider type.  At one point she even said it's not going to be as easy as it was last time and she has to make me work for a kiss this time around.  I remain unreactive and just laugh it off.  It seems like she's glowing and is flustered with emotions.  Eventually, I leave because all this isn't going anywhere and I'm tired of plowing.  I gave up, I feel confident that I can be spontaneous and provide good emotions, but I don't know if I choded out here or just thought it was a lost cause and more plowing would end up fucking me more in the long term.  I'm going silent on this one because I don't know what to do and I think the less I say the better.  Normally, I would get all needy and text her saying that she's cute for defensive around me, but she can trust me.

I'mma ease off this one for awhile and re-engage.  (Maybe I'm uncalibrated at this point, but fuck it, have to learn somehow.)

I learned a few valuable things:

-I soaked in the uncomfortable feeling and used it to my advantage to act instead of react.
-I did things out of my character and I'm happy that I acted out of my own intentions.
-I plowed, plowed and plowed some damn more, it led no where, but I did it!


On another note, my boot camp with Tyler is going to be April 22nd.  I'm pretty excited and anxious about the upcoming events.

I just learned that I'm getting promoted, only stipulation is taking courses through my employer and get my degree.
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i'm just gonna come in here and uh......

The FR

April 2010 Tyler Alumni
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