THE FORUMS

January 20th, 2017
my parents are going to kick me out because of my girlfriend (my life is fucked)
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#51

Macavity

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Join Date: 08/25/2009 | Posts: 2511

 Dude my parents are exactly the same as yours. I know a lot of people in your situation. Friends and cousins. Im in a similar situation but slightly different. They will not accept me if i dont stick to my religion. Thing is, im not that religious. They are good people and have good intentions but they think that Religion and Education are everything. I dont. I know that if i tell them i dont want to follow my religion it will upset them so much. I really love them and i dont want to see them hurt that bad. I dont know what to do.

You cant really change other peoples habits. My parents, just like yours, are very cultural and traditional. A lot of conditional love in my family. If i leave, it makes them look bad and they will care how others see them. Thing is, i literally grew up in a holy temple. 

Im not sure on the advice to offer you. I know even talking to them and trying to get them to understand will be hard. But its probably the one thing to do especially if you love them. Cus on one hand you just want to move out and be your own man, but on the other you do love and care for your parents and not hurt them.  
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#52
JFM

JFM

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Join Date: 12/13/2007 | Posts: 2236

Here's something interesting I've posted before....and it's relevant to me.   Especially given that I went through the exact process you're describing.

A guy named BOWEN came up with social dynamics at an ELITE level...describing eight building blocks that are going on around the family.

When I was in your situation, I chose CUT OFF.    I just got the fuck out and removed myself from the situation, thinking that I'd be "independent" that way.   But boundaries and identity are  not formed that way.

This info will just stimulate your thinking to not be black and white on the issue....to think outside of the box and realize that emotions are a huge driver.   You might not know what's really happening and get stuck for YEARS in something that actually feeds into the whole deal.

Believe me, I ended up even MORE stuck in the family system by cutting off from it.   You'll see how it works in this link, which gives a brief overview of the foundation of social dynamics for all human beings.

The main point?  DIFFERENTIATION.    You've got an awesome challenge that can show you exactly what you need to do in order to get a deep identity level change going. 

 http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html
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“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
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#53

Macavity

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Join Date: 08/25/2009 | Posts: 2511

So what your saying is not to emotionally cut myself of from my family. Thing is, is that im not worried about being kicked out of the house, im more worried about the pain it will cause them since they will not let it go.

When i start university mid january i wont be living at home. So will i already not be emotionally cut of from them at that point?
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#54

Lord James

Junior Member

Join Date: 12/30/2009 | Posts: 6

My advice would be move out! take advantage of government funding, in Australia there are a lot of fortnightly payments you can get, if you live on your own and are young or earn under a certain amount.(Rent and Youth Allowance). Explain to your parents you need to be happy, you are australian etc. You could go from the angle of if turkish culture is so perfect why don't they live there(probably not the best idea since it will just create a fight), but really you have to do what makes you the happiest, maybe one day they will see that.

I recently dated a girl who was in a similar situation, but only her dad was extreme on turkish culture, her mum wasn't, the parents split up, the dad won't talk to her because he called her a slut, her family went practically homeless because of it, but now they are through it all
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#55
JFM

JFM

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Join Date: 12/13/2007 | Posts: 2236

Pirate wrote:
So what your saying is not to emotionally cut myself of from my family. Thing is, is that im not worried about being kicked out of the house, im more worried about the pain it will cause them since they will not let it go.

Actually the whole problem about not having my own identity is focusing on others feelings.   The foundation of addiction is codependency ( enmeshment with others due to having uncleaned emotional baggage...creating compulsive behaviour all your life). 

The issue with fucked family dynamics is not being DIFFERENTIATED.    Not knowing boundaries.   And the answer is facing social dynamics as being YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.     

The only way to do that is to forgive...which means setting myself and others free.   Which is a process.     And that process means restoring the three broken relationship bridges of most people in modern society:

1. With self
2. With a power greater than self
3. With others

Fucked up family situations are both the source of and the solution for social dynamics....it's the big daddy of identity.   The root.  It's 100%  of the reason behind bad relationships with women.

Imagine how hard it would be to interact with lots of women having fun when "worried about the pain you're causing them because they won't let it go".   Worse....imagine if you handle that situation with "cold" cut off ( like most guys do when they "graduate" from being "worried about others feelings").   The same bullshit is underneath,....and it gets "solved " years and years later when the guy passes it on to HIS kids....just the way his parents are doing it to him.   

Addiction is not knowing the difference between what you can and can't control due to the three broken relationships WHICH HAPPEN IN THE FAMILY.   And need to be forgiven.   That's not a theory....that's real life work...day to day.

The problem of relationships and social dynamics does not go away by changing focus.    A guy's life is like a water level.  Wherever he's ACTUALLY at with his family is where he's ACTUALLY at with his life "out there".    There is no out there.   You get what you are.

If you're codependent...that means you have uncleaned LOSS feelings which haven't been processed.     For me, this thread brings up the core reality on what the problem is and where the action is to get to work.
      
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“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
- African Proverb
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#56
Surfer Peligroso

Surfer Peligroso

Senior Member

Join Date: 11/17/2008 | Posts: 102

complex wrote:
motorcycle licensing is a pain in the ass in australia, also i need a car for work as i have to put costumes in the back (im a party clown/childrens entertainer/i dress up as spiderman/batman) and i only have about 1.7k saved up.
Your work is to dress up as batman? That's the most awesome thing I have ever heard! No wonder why you got a girlfriend
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#57

SolHeiM

Member

Join Date: 04/05/2009 | Posts: 47

Hell you're life isn't over. If they kick you out you have plenty of options. You can get a loan, get an apartment and live there which you later pay off when you have a full-time job. Or if your parents kick you out and your GF's parents like you, I'm sure they wouldn't object to letting you stay with her until you can get a place of your own. Or stay with a friend.

I won't accept any person running my life. My dad is trying to control me as much as possible right now since I'm soon ready to get the fuck outta the house, and I have to tell you I absolutely despise and loathe my father.

I don't even like school because THEY choose what to study and what not to. 
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#58
Radikal

Radikal

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Join Date: 01/29/2008 | Posts: 1235

JFM wrote:

Pirate wrote:
So what your saying is not to emotionally cut myself of from my family. Thing is, is that im not worried about being kicked out of the house, im more worried about the pain it will cause them since they will not let it go.

Imagine how hard it would be to interact with lots of women having fun when "worried about the pain you're causing them because they won't let it go".   Worse....imagine if you handle that situation with "cold" cut off ( like most guys do when they "graduate" from being "worried about others feelings").   The same bullshit is underneath,....and it gets "solved " years and years later when the guy passes it on to HIS kids....just the way his parents are doing it to him.   

This paragraph holds so much value.

Back to girls... they like men, not boys. When we are children we NEED our parents or we'd be dead. The problem arises when our parents fail to teach us to stand on our own feet (because of their own issues). We become grown up boys who seek parents in our relationships to fulfill our needs, and we also foolishly think that we should meet our parents/friends/lovers needs.

It does not mean we should not help each other. We should, but from a place of interdependency and synergy, not neediness.

Boy = needy
Man = independent

A man has needs too. It's just that he knows he is responsible for meeting his needs. IN-DEPENDENT = he solves his dependency internally.
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#59
Robertpulson

Robertpulson

Junior Member

Join Date: 10/31/2009 | Posts: 22

religion is nasty at times especially islam.

Fight club quote " It's only after you have lost everything that your free to do anything"

This girl is just for fucking maybe you do value etc her but your young. Either way if your not religious and don't want a certain colour/relgioned girlfriend then the family you have to wave good bye to.

Very tough situtation and it's if my famiy was that arghh like conidtioned and brought up in some false life believing in some imaginary man... aww i couldn't stand it!
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#60
JFM

JFM

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/13/2007 | Posts: 2236

Radikal wrote:

The problem arises when our parents fail to teach us to stand on our own feet (because of their own issues). We become grown up boys who seek parents in our relationships to fulfill our needs, and we also foolishly think that we should meet our parents/friends/lovers needs.


A man has needs too. It's just that he knows he is responsible for meeting his needs. IN-DEPENDENT = he solves his dependency internally.
Great sum-up of the core problem with leaving home ( most men die without leaving home).

So there it is...parents could not effect a guy who is meeting his own needs and solves his dependency internally.

The hard part of this is that FORGIVENESS as a process is exactly what stands in the way of that.    That means facing, feeling and owning the pain of NOT GETTING THE ORIGINAL NEEDS MET.  

What do most people do about this?

Protect parents without even realizing it...and just continue on with an oatmeal life, filled with un-owned anger.   Repeating the family story with codependency in work, friends and relationships with women.

Read the thread here...how many guys respond to the MESS of dealing with not having had parents who met their needs with FUCK YOU.
Under ever fuck you is a hurt little boy.

And that's what women smell off of you when you do this...no matter WHATthe logistics are on taking care of the details of "leaving home".    The problem is that women who HATE MEN come running to this energy.

NOT doing the forgiveness has a huge cost in that it ATTRACTS women who will fuck your life.

Feeling the anger and hate....processing it all....forgiving.   It's the only way to leave home.   Physically leaving and taking care of business doesn't even touch the problem.  
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“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
- African Proverb
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