THE FORUMS

January 16th, 2017
Transformation Journal
Your rating: None Average: 4.8 (8 votes)
Bookmark and Share

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

 I wanted to come home and write a negative report about how sad and sorry I am for myself and how much I sucked and that I got no validation from women tonight and how I am a loser with no friends who goes to the club sober and sits there alone.
But, that would be a lie. It's all true, except -- I did have a good time. Even with no validation from women.
I got rejected by this cute girl who my dick and nose really liked. I did go up to her looking in eyes. And I had nothing to say. stupid lame shit.
It hurt when she said she wanted to dance with friends. I didnt even reapproach later.  :::begins eating apple:::
Yeah, man.. the rejection hurts. BUT I WENT OUT. And that is key. I seriously almost didn't... and I learned that IT DOESN'T MATTER (rejection).
It just makes me more irreverent.
I'll just post up my notes verbatim from over the course of the night (in chronological order)-- before I did ANY approaches:
:::Finishes apple; starts eating prunes:::

Nov 10
Somehow I'm out, again. There was a point where I really thought I wouldn't be out.
Well, this is the victory. Seriously, I'm just going to sit in the club. This is pushing myself enough. No trying to talk to anyone. No trying to make shit happen/. Nothing. No trying. It's my time, my life, to actually relax. I don't want to get crunk. I don't want to be cool. I don't want do anything. I want freedom from outcome, relaxation, being myself. Doing nothing. Observation of emergence. Why would I need get in [my own] way. Let it happen....
**
well, got in with sneakers.
Not even enough money for coatcheck...
I feel in another world
**
officially crying in the club.
Well, I am just sitting here.
Let boredoom ensue
WTF
**
I took out my phone cuz I'm nervous and I don't want to be kicked out for being dressed like shit.
**
Why would I need to move; but I feel so good here?!
Login or register to post.
Paris Boum Boum

Paris Boum Boum

Trusted Member

Join Date: 04/02/2009 | Posts: 2948

<3 <3 <3
Login or register to post.

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

 Reminder:
**watch out for my progress. Keep in mind when I achieve:
A GOAL: 15 new lays in 3 month period. -- 
An upcoming MILESTONE: laid 50 chicks (i'm at maybe 30 or 35 now)
A FOCUS: Quality chicks who I have chemistry with. (ie, sober chicks who like me for me... not some wasted girl who just wants a dick)... 
Login or register to post.

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

 Went out tonight.
was super sick -- had diarrhea like three times in the club.
My night was super awesome. the party was fucking cool.
how life should be.
i kinda was always on edge because of upset stomach.. but so happy i could just RELAX at the party, being myself, alive and having fun.
Really hit a nice flow by the end.
I went out with roommate, while he had one beer. I chilled drank tea. then he drove home and i went stayed in town
Many people out. I went into club. Seriously already chill party vibes in the line to get in.
YES. everything on and happy.
I relaxed with no force or effort until 2h30am (got to town lil past 12, so that was 2 hour rule).. then i did some approaches even though i didnt feel like it (cuz i was feeling SO GOOD in a state of inertia - so perfect)... i did anyway. they got better and better until i could actually walk up as a man with intent, and super relaxed, face to face and they would know what's up..
turned out to be a highly lesbian party... (which is cool cuz no competition ;P) and one girl i got boner for all in her face after approaching 3 times. She was lesbian too (or trying, lol) and i actually almost kissed her it was on - good vibe. Approached the hottest girl (lol, also lesbian). At the end I went for some street beast, some girl HOTTEST i could find [guy with her, i didn't mind -- "im fucking doing this" and, it didn't matter...], and I was free from outcome - talking to HER the real person. Was a cool frame and vibe and I even if I did have an excuse to eject there are DEFINITELY so many more data points of reference experence now -- that's it's really about me, expressing myself and feeling the emotional content she is giving me, vibing off that and talking to her as another HUMAN BEING... my body was acting up so much (SIIIICCCKKK) that I got into mind dimension and her body held no value. 

Notes from the night:
*Part of 2hour rule included diarrhea in the public toilet.
*Still 2hour [rule]. Noticing how cool everyone loooks here
*Who says the best ain't to come, retrospectively [a feeling so good like nothing to compare to before]
*How did I become so cool.
*Did 3 [approaches] in first 7mins [after the two hour rule ended]. Hotter hotter more direct
*I poop. [loud farting in the bathroom and chicks trying to get in to piss.]
*I'm apathetic, but it's like a lot of pain [in body and not even want for validation...kept approaching....]
*Max 28? no! 36. [this chick looked young but was older than i thought]
*3 times with Audrey close kiss + dick herd, she sees [my dick her I had noticed it and then she pointed it out. was so awesome]
*Just go. Marathon. Hot chicks. It's about the REAL person. Give her time. Give her value. Focus on the girl. And her emotional state. Beam relaxed positivity. Not too in her face. Dong is king. Deep voice. Relaxed.
*Hot girls are like English...
EVERYWHERE
*I don't judge. I'm not "cooler" than anyone. Genuine expression, interest when talking to people. It really is about me. It's like I'm talking about and for myself all the time. The party is where I am.
*Night consisted of:
Being real, talking to people, doing and saying what I think is cool.
Sticking through it. I am not my body. I am my best friend.
*I jacked off twice, was having diarrhea and still got boner with that chick.
*My body knows home.

ALSO, on the bus home, nice flow of expression clarifying stuff for myself to a nice receptive audience.
Login or register to post.

CBAABC

Trusted Member

Join Date: 02/20/2009 | Posts: 1692

 Ahahahaha.

Funny shit. Diarrhea.

GL with that goal.

ChinaBoy
Login or register to post.

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

I'm so close to this fucking shit. I'm about to crack. DUDE. the state that I get to sober after challenges.... it's insane. If I had no RSD to give me context -- wow dude... it's all expression from me....
Nothing helps. Dude, whining about spinnach will NOT get me laid. Trying to be cool by talking how I can make quinoa -- is STILL TRYING TO CONVEY VALUE....
Can you wake up to --- CHICKS heart DICK..............................
Seriously.
I went through a lot tonight. I went to an empty club and sat by myself with sparkling water. I went to a club where the average age was older than me and I got no validation from hot chick and I was sometimes when approaching and it made me teeter between feeling angry and frustrated.
Somtimes there was a heavy layer of judgements and shit to go through, like haze, between the moments of FUCKING OWNING. 
Either I am totally CHILLED OUT.... or I AM TOTALLY INTENT and at the cause of everything.
I need to get my head out of my own ass of a character................ and fucking WAKE UP to the FACT that chicks think about being fucked by dick ALL THE TIME..... and that I HAVE WITHIN MY POWER the faculty TO STEP UP and get the fucking shit done. DICK IN AND HAPPY FUCKING TIMES.............
Tonight I was half-stepping, half-stepping ... out of FEAR..... and it was bullshit.. 
With a solid base of belief systems -- thoughts --- assumptions ---- total mindset ----- FOUNDATION..... (People are always friendly; I'm safe; People are here to help)
I can navigate the WORLD with total ease... and if something unexpected arises .... I am easily prompted to refind my CENTER --- the INNER BODY where I can feel sensation arising and passing away.....
such that I am totaly free from identification with the craving and aversion from moment to moment of what I may want to seek to go away.
In this way TONIGHT when I ACTUALLY MADEOUT with this chick.... it was from BEING THE MAN....... talking about how I can cook vegetables DOESNT GET ME SHIT.... If I do good stuff (gym, meditate, eat well, read...) THAT'S FOR ME... and ONLY ME....... for MY QUALITY OF LIFE.....
ALL SHE CARE ABOUT IS: Me, being the man, with a dick, leading her to fuck, unapologetic, HORNY. She gets sucked into my reality so that she can run the fuck away or accept the FACT that tonight she is getting dick.
Login or register to post.

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

btw, here are my notes from tongiht:

Nov 12.
At bus stop [party at school] over. It's like a demolition zone.
What?!! Do ALL this to get validation from women? hahaha happy being myself

I sit. --- "we're not having sex here" after "u want to see my" I move legs as if yes. Being loud. Looking in eyes. Called creepy

0024 in cave of bar. No one here. I like the music.
I got time -- relaxation with sparkling water

Somewhere safe and comfortable to relax into natural being
Try to drink water 50cl in 20 mins

The point is aware of the state of being alive as a part of humanity.

Challenge any lame excuse to push comfort zone and talk to girl. Fuck. Her body only holds so much value. Try: relax. It doesn't matter.
(the excuse is in my head to allow the decision to approach. That's it. Then drop everything and go in BOOM-- )

Took longer than 20 mins for water. Time for club. It's a small club I'm going to , and 1hour left of total nothing freedom relaxation comfort mode

I try to take the scenic route [passing by lots of other people and many clubs -- scenic route = social route]. Chocolate on the way

In the club and 40 more mins free. This journal serves as an outlet to talk to myself. I'm here, the music. Relax.

Try just 'being alive' in different environments. Being -myself- consistently.

Forget your story . Forget your life. Try being here tonight, having fun. Explore.

Lol free shot, but I don't drink haha.
0140 it seems like I am perceiving more per second now. Or maybe not perceive.. But process. Like my capacity to see is larger . My frame of reference has expanded.

Got up + walk around= movement

This is chill as fuck. My relax time.

Self-acceptance is breathing, not "trying", allowing the moment to unfold, no judgement, being cool- free from craving or aversion -the best reality can happen. Being me.

I'm in the hands of me; a trust of faith.

0210 I got the push off faith, ie line of stepping hard enough. See it and roll

After 20mins craziness madness outside total chill awesome direct and cool back inside for pinapple juice (picking up [girl i know from school]...,, I'm just half-stepping, fear to full step)

[in] 50mins I leave club-- getting pissed, need health and relaxation

Anger, relaxedness, freedom from outcome
A lot of sexual frustration.. That drives my party. It seems so unreal. It's like I need to really let go. Such rage pushes me on. How do you think I can go out sober? I want this so bad and maybe exactly that - attachment - (which I cling to) - is holding me on. A prisoner of my own mind. My valuesand anything else about "me". What is this for? Why have I REALLY embarked on this journey. Circumstance can be everything -- and I want to fuck hot chicks. TAKE ACTION. Take action!

20 more mins [until bus home - i decide to do street approaches, but find noone on I want to really meet so I do a "tour de force" - lol, walk around the streets-- at this point i get back to the bus stop and meet this gay do who'se birthday it is  and i sing happy birthday for him..... from then on was the madness where i was total stimulation in the environment cuz i truely didn't give a fuck anymore.... until i got back and kissed the chick and my mind starts thinking :::YES::: i'm going to pull.... 
  NOPE........ go home and masturbate to spinnach]
Login or register to post.

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

 
Login or register to post.

LoveHandle*

Respected Member

Join Date: 03/24/2008 | Posts: 940

 Tonight, Wednesday... many good reference points. (And, wink, getting the weekend flow started -- momentum!)
Pushing myself through, first, to be chill: relaxed... and second, after approaches, to the indifference threshold. 3bars + 2 clubs.
The only focus is on: 1) GO OUT. 2) Relax in the environment 3) Do approaches without ANY outcome in mind 4) Keep approaching.

Tonight: *Girl asked me, "how old are you?". i put a plastic cup on my head and said "old enough to wear a hat", with a smirk. she said "haha, ok stupid question gets stupid answer".
*Lesbian girl, cute was super nice, super touchy. She was coming up to me again when in set helping me out, like - "go to the bar with her."... saying stuff like "I like you. You're nice. You deserve to be happy."
*I approached some other girl, pretty late outside a bar, she was into it at first... when i was going and she had a dude inside waiting for her, i said "fuck off" and she called me an "asswipe" among other not-nice things.
*I spent some time alone at the bar. in chair after some chick told me she was married.
*It was going ok with this one girl and then I realize-- :::well, ok time to make a move::: and found out that she was a "Yeah, ...but, NO" girl who I was entertaining.... hahahahaahah 
*drunk hottie all over the place... tug of war with three dudes... haha. this girl was like goldfish she asked me "where are u from" I answer, she all excited and all over me for the answer.. then literally ONE minute after she ask me again "where are u from".... like she didnt SEEM THAT wasted... but, wow.... phenomenon
*some sad and lonely moments, i definitely even cried tonight... 

wtv... went through a lot of shit ... was NOT stepping up as a WINNER.......
first step to RELAX and BE NORMAL.... like be able to have a conversation, looking hottie in the eyes.... NO BIG DEAL, eh....

*self amused with "I am a thirsty zebra"
Also a focus on letting the night play out--- ANALYSIS AFTER... here is a stream of consciousness notes from 4:13am, at train station (after i'd decided i wanted to go get "skittles" after i'd approaches all the chicks from all the clubs):
413 at the Lausanne station . Well, ya see.. Happiness is the key. What do I have to be. What can I give you. Is it really choice? It true? Doubly extra self alone feels as a battle all . No to see up and down all nice nothing. Living for the future. What about now.. Do I do it to myself? Alone: am I, really.. How long can I stay up? Awake or in a dream? I crave and I cling too scared to even win. Letting go. Something to prove? To whom... ? What do I want? How do I stop myself. Lessons to learn. Something to earn? I am alone. A self perception. Mind an infinite delusion. Dumbfounded, astounded- why was I born? Fuck higher purpose--what truth can I live out? Who am I-- how can I help. -- what to do?? All do all do-- anything more. I want to contribute to really make the difference. Ego? Alone , in all beauty. Aliveness with noone to share. All journey. Timing. The ups AND the downs. Sorrows-- what sorrows? I'm all found. Where can I find you. I am a virtue .. Relaxed in a moment.. Unknown so stable. Nowhere , I'm able. I want to -- I can. Dark and lonely. Craving, craving. A driver, the possible. Everyone before -- and all to come. I cling to reason. Some reason. All or none. I am alone , awake and alive. No avail. I strive and I try. I will die. Keep alive. Keep going. Not just to survive. Fearless? Oh, nothing. God of circumstance. Alive is enough. A drive is enough. Who I am is enough. And I try. Keep going, if for no reason but freedom. May I -- have it. Alone , alive. I thrive. Existence , truth, meaning , reason. Have it. Be it. Live it. Forever , alive . Keep going. Free. A tree. A man. What difference. Conscious at last. If all in a moment. A dream -- step up. This is today. Seize now. Only now can I choose. Freedom. Happiness . Alive, alone , being me. Truth. Decision. Movement. Action. Choice. Freedom -- I will it. For me.

Then, I walked around, waited, and went for a coffee and sandwich. And, after a while I sat, for a while in the central atrium, watching the early morning's first passengers arrive through central stration... I was feeling really good in the body, maybe the coffee, maybe just me..... anyway... home now. .bed now... good night smile

Last point: Focus on the JOURNEY... a marathon, ie MACRO-momentum.... (ups and downs...)
Login or register to post.

CBAABC

Trusted Member

Join Date: 02/20/2009 | Posts: 1692

LoveHandle* wrote:

Dude, whining about spinnach will NOT get me laid. Trying to be cool by talking how I can make quinoa -- is STILL TRYING TO CONVEY VALUE....



hahahahaha....made my day.

Also the reminder of girls loving dick.

ChinaBoy
Login or register to post.