THE FORUMS
The harder the belief structure, the harder the laws, the more negative emotion one feels for going against the law and against beliefs.
We set the rules to what is positive, and, what is negative.
There is no sin as such, all we do here will be of no importance when we die.
It is fucked up the power of guilt, it is so draining, a frikking parasaite,.... some people make you feel guilty for the same reason, part of this excersice is to forgive oneself and accept what we dont want to talk about with others, we realise all people have a baggage of a dark side, the most "correct" people are the ones having wars, bring the dark to the light.
We set the rules to what is positive, and, what is negative.
There is no sin as such, all we do here will be of no importance when we die.
It is fucked up the power of guilt, it is so draining, a frikking parasaite,.... some people make you feel guilty for the same reason, part of this excersice is to forgive oneself and accept what we dont want to talk about with others, we realise all people have a baggage of a dark side, the most "correct" people are the ones having wars, bring the dark to the light.
Deft....you started something good here....and this comment is great. The fucked up power of guilt. All the light is in owning the shadow. I did a lot of revealing in a "group therapy" setting...and with some close friends. My feedback on where it leads to is that it's about stages. First there's coming out of hiding....and a lot of freedom with that. Then it can get stuck...
Then guess what....a huge part of my dark side was controlling by revealing my dark side....and I did it with women too. I think that was wrong. Its not true for everyone when revealing their shit ( I don't know the intentions of everyone posting here) .
You've planted an important seed here.
__________________
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
- African Proverb
- African Proverb
Sometimes I cum blood on my dead grandma.
__________________
The degenerate formerly known as Anus and Dick Cheney's Ripe Genitals.
Sales Manager: You have no previous sales experience, I don't think you can handle rejection.
BonoboTimes: Your right, I don't. However, I've been fucking models since I was 17. I've dealt with being called ugly, stupid, gay, creep, asshole, and a bunch of other shit. Been told to go away, don't talk to me, go fuck yourself, and I'm not interested by over three thousand women and groups of people. I can handle rejection better than anyone on this lot if not city. Not only that, I never leave. I will follow the customer across the fucking street if I have to. I simply do not give a fuck. I close.
Evil Stifler: "My internal cheerleaders are on my team, bro. They're like, GO, GO, GO, GO!"
Eckhart Tolle: "Adam and Eve saw that they were naked, and they became afraid."
TheFADER: "The club is always a place I can count on to get complete peace and quiet while studying my math."
Bonah Jamz 2010~
Sales Manager: You have no previous sales experience, I don't think you can handle rejection.
BonoboTimes: Your right, I don't. However, I've been fucking models since I was 17. I've dealt with being called ugly, stupid, gay, creep, asshole, and a bunch of other shit. Been told to go away, don't talk to me, go fuck yourself, and I'm not interested by over three thousand women and groups of people. I can handle rejection better than anyone on this lot if not city. Not only that, I never leave. I will follow the customer across the fucking street if I have to. I simply do not give a fuck. I close.
Evil Stifler: "My internal cheerleaders are on my team, bro. They're like, GO, GO, GO, GO!"
Eckhart Tolle: "Adam and Eve saw that they were naked, and they became afraid."
TheFADER: "The club is always a place I can count on to get complete peace and quiet while studying my math."
Bonah Jamz 2010~
Something i wrote a long time ago and never finished...
LIGHT AND DARK
I’m a big believer that every human has the essence of both light and dark within them. Apparently I'm not the only one because evidence of this belief echo’s all the way back through civilizations and human history. Chess board are a battle between the two extreme opposites of white and black battling it out on the felid of the chess plain. But does the board symbolize the earth, or the minute everyday battles that go on in our hearts? With out left there is no right, and without push there is no pull. Greek mythological gods were not necessary good or bad, but had both essences within them. Often, depending on the situation, showed one side or the other. I guess the real philosophical question is if we exercise our aggressive or dark side, versus our "open hand" or light side in situations through out life dose it define who we are?
Darkness:
The bible mentions that one of the essential differences between man and animal is that man is made in god’s divine image. Therefore created with the ability to practice will and decision. But if you really examine human nature, or the bible you will see that people are neutral and could go anyway. I mean think about it. Were all familiar with the story of Adam and Eve right? So here's this woman who has everything going for her. In a beautiful garden and a perfect relationship with the creator of the universe. To put it bluntly, there was no competition of other woman. So besides having a direct "speed dial" link to god. Adam was completely faithful because cheating wasn’t invented yet. But she ended up talking to a snake. Which should have been a red flag in the first place? Because none of the other snakes are talking. And if this snake is so great why doesn’t he grow himself some legs or at least fix his speech impediment. Because he has a serious "Sssss" lisp.
I’ve always been someone that been attracted to people that are dark. By that, I don’t mean people that are aggressive or violent. That’s something else completely that I’m not going to touch on. I think maybe I’m drawn to these characters because I my self am an emotional person. Standards would say that I am also a very "intelligent" person. Because I have an I.Q. of 130. So by international standards that would rank me somewhere in the top 5% of people in the world %genius%. But me being of emotional nature means that my emotions are the driving force behind my actions. My emotions are what push or pull my in a direction. I literally feel a thought which will then push or pull me in a direction. Relationship and dating experts call this type of process "internalization". Allow me to share a few of my personal theories with you. Since I have been studying medicine and physiology independently since I was about 11 years old (yeah, I know I am a complete dork. I have just always marveled at how the human mind works and wanted answers as to why people do what they do). Science generally accepts that actions come from thought. No matter how large or small. In order for you to take an action your brain must send an electrical signal to your body to take that action. Whether it is speech, walking, etc. A "logical" person has a process where they regulate their own thoughts. Qualifying, regulating, and authorizing them. You could even say they even "allow" those thoughts to swim around in the heads. Control would be a good word to use here. They may control them self’s to go through a process of mentally eliminating options, which could be called “proper thought". Until they arrive at what "makes sense". Through nuro-conditiong and patterns of though. I may be generalizing when I say all of this of course. But, It would seem that emotional people are missing this rational step in between action and conception. Sometimes when emotional people like me are thinking, our reason gets clouded buy our emotion. Almost like there is a direct link that expresses what’s in their hearts. As right or wrong as they may be. Reason is clouded for these people of an emotional nature like me when trying to think. The truth is we all have both sides with in us.. But the difference is the balance between them.
I’ve always believed that emotional people make the world go round. While logical people are the ones who then strive to regulate their lives, actions, and the world. But these emotional people are the ones who add meaning. Music, art, love, and all expressions or anything that you can be passionate about come from emotion. These emotional people are the ones who tend to excel in the colors that add richness to life. The word "free" comes to mind. Free to express what’s in the heart with out the classic restrictions.
On the other hand this sometimes can be a harmful to that emotional person. Injuring them in one way or another. Internalizing thoughts into feelings constantly can actually render a person sick. Diabetes, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, insomnia and other sickness can be linked to people that worry allot. In addition, if we just go around freely expressing our self’s, rest assured there will be consequences for our actions. Rules and guard rails are their in life for a reason. They have their place. Imagine a young child freely running across the street of life with out first looking both ways. It’s good that we have fear in life. Fear serves a useful purpose. As long as fear is not the primary thing that controls our actions. With out fear, would we bother to look at the yellow light and think to our self’s if it’s safe to cross? Fear is a primal instinct that encourages us to use reason as a protection.
How does this all relate? What’s my point?... Being an emotional person has its byproduct and consequences.. These people that sometimes excel in emotional fields are the ones that are haunted the most. Without the ability to effectively regulate their emotions and the world in their heads. Sometimes people of this nature can become very bothered. We all know people like this. Anthony Robbins mentions John Belushi in a related way. Think of the troubled rock star with a drug habit that eventually kills them. It would seem that reason serves its purpose, and so does emotion. The challenge is the balance within our hearts and minds on an every day struggle.
But the whole reason I even began to write this chapter in my book in the first place is because I had stated to wonder some things. I had a view questions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good guy no doubt. But at times as much as I've felt that I could help the world - like my pain is a learning tool for others. As much as I’ve felt like part off my very purpose it to do something extraordinary that is unselfish. Like I could live on that and nothing else alone. I’ve also felt that if I was not considerate of my self, unaware, or inattentive to my core. I would be capable of another extreme. What am I’m saying? I’m not exactly sure odd enough... Let’s just say that if I had to completely turn of my self and was moved to become another person, it would not be so impossible for me to do that. If I wasn’t a humanitarian, I could loose my self as a black operations agent. It’s a scary thing to have the ability to loose your self so much on desire. It’s not easy, but its there. This darkness can definitely whispers at me from a corner of the room every once in a while. When I watch movies I don’t root for the bad guy. But I completely can relate to the consumption of what their feeling. I’ve often related to characters that are in conflict. The dark good guy. The troubled hero. The characters who battle there inner demons, but never completely win the battle. The ones who are constantly being courted and romance buy slipping. The haunted soul.
I think they are times when everyone feels down. For people of an emotional nature I believe it’s a little different for us. When we are in a depressive mode. We may be completely consumed with this moping around. To the point it’s immobilizing. We may be able to see threw "forest through the tress" logically- we are aware that its there. But we just can’t sense it. And remember, we are people that may be more inclined to follow that gut instinct and feel things out.
The Light:
At the same time I’ve always been attached and inspired buy people who have been able to "leave them self’s" and aspire to something greater. These people that capture the very essence of what it means to be human. Devine they say there are a few things that separate humans from animals. The list includes religion, art, and the concern of where we came from and how we got here. The ability to recognize our self’s in a mirror, etc. But the number one thing that separates humans from animals is "will". Will is really an amazing thing when you explore it. Will simply put is desire being manifested. Or desire turning is to something real. Crazy huh? We humans can take a desire and change our self’s, environments, history, or even the universe. Will is also an incredible thing when you think about it because it is timeless. By that I mean will cannot die. It transfers from one person to another, and can live on long after we die. And even if we were to all die tomorrow, the effects of mankind’s will would stand for a very long time. And even if all those effects of our existence, or will were to die. They would still live on, on a cellular or bacterial level. Scientist have a saying that "Everything goes somewhere" and this just may be true of use and everything we do, even if no one takes notice. True, being human means having faults. But the other part of humans that is amazing is the ability to recognize our fault, makes adjustments, and stay on path. Perfection is not what impresses me about nature. It’s the putting forth of effort" to attain something greater then our self’s that is amazing. Absolute commitment to constant and never ending improvement leaves me speechless.........
LIGHT AND DARK
I’m a big believer that every human has the essence of both light and dark within them. Apparently I'm not the only one because evidence of this belief echo’s all the way back through civilizations and human history. Chess board are a battle between the two extreme opposites of white and black battling it out on the felid of the chess plain. But does the board symbolize the earth, or the minute everyday battles that go on in our hearts? With out left there is no right, and without push there is no pull. Greek mythological gods were not necessary good or bad, but had both essences within them. Often, depending on the situation, showed one side or the other. I guess the real philosophical question is if we exercise our aggressive or dark side, versus our "open hand" or light side in situations through out life dose it define who we are?
Darkness:
The bible mentions that one of the essential differences between man and animal is that man is made in god’s divine image. Therefore created with the ability to practice will and decision. But if you really examine human nature, or the bible you will see that people are neutral and could go anyway. I mean think about it. Were all familiar with the story of Adam and Eve right? So here's this woman who has everything going for her. In a beautiful garden and a perfect relationship with the creator of the universe. To put it bluntly, there was no competition of other woman. So besides having a direct "speed dial" link to god. Adam was completely faithful because cheating wasn’t invented yet. But she ended up talking to a snake. Which should have been a red flag in the first place? Because none of the other snakes are talking. And if this snake is so great why doesn’t he grow himself some legs or at least fix his speech impediment. Because he has a serious "Sssss" lisp.
I’ve always been someone that been attracted to people that are dark. By that, I don’t mean people that are aggressive or violent. That’s something else completely that I’m not going to touch on. I think maybe I’m drawn to these characters because I my self am an emotional person. Standards would say that I am also a very "intelligent" person. Because I have an I.Q. of 130. So by international standards that would rank me somewhere in the top 5% of people in the world %genius%. But me being of emotional nature means that my emotions are the driving force behind my actions. My emotions are what push or pull my in a direction. I literally feel a thought which will then push or pull me in a direction. Relationship and dating experts call this type of process "internalization". Allow me to share a few of my personal theories with you. Since I have been studying medicine and physiology independently since I was about 11 years old (yeah, I know I am a complete dork. I have just always marveled at how the human mind works and wanted answers as to why people do what they do). Science generally accepts that actions come from thought. No matter how large or small. In order for you to take an action your brain must send an electrical signal to your body to take that action. Whether it is speech, walking, etc. A "logical" person has a process where they regulate their own thoughts. Qualifying, regulating, and authorizing them. You could even say they even "allow" those thoughts to swim around in the heads. Control would be a good word to use here. They may control them self’s to go through a process of mentally eliminating options, which could be called “proper thought". Until they arrive at what "makes sense". Through nuro-conditiong and patterns of though. I may be generalizing when I say all of this of course. But, It would seem that emotional people are missing this rational step in between action and conception. Sometimes when emotional people like me are thinking, our reason gets clouded buy our emotion. Almost like there is a direct link that expresses what’s in their hearts. As right or wrong as they may be. Reason is clouded for these people of an emotional nature like me when trying to think. The truth is we all have both sides with in us.. But the difference is the balance between them.
I’ve always believed that emotional people make the world go round. While logical people are the ones who then strive to regulate their lives, actions, and the world. But these emotional people are the ones who add meaning. Music, art, love, and all expressions or anything that you can be passionate about come from emotion. These emotional people are the ones who tend to excel in the colors that add richness to life. The word "free" comes to mind. Free to express what’s in the heart with out the classic restrictions.
On the other hand this sometimes can be a harmful to that emotional person. Injuring them in one way or another. Internalizing thoughts into feelings constantly can actually render a person sick. Diabetes, high blood pressure, stomach ulcers, insomnia and other sickness can be linked to people that worry allot. In addition, if we just go around freely expressing our self’s, rest assured there will be consequences for our actions. Rules and guard rails are their in life for a reason. They have their place. Imagine a young child freely running across the street of life with out first looking both ways. It’s good that we have fear in life. Fear serves a useful purpose. As long as fear is not the primary thing that controls our actions. With out fear, would we bother to look at the yellow light and think to our self’s if it’s safe to cross? Fear is a primal instinct that encourages us to use reason as a protection.
How does this all relate? What’s my point?... Being an emotional person has its byproduct and consequences.. These people that sometimes excel in emotional fields are the ones that are haunted the most. Without the ability to effectively regulate their emotions and the world in their heads. Sometimes people of this nature can become very bothered. We all know people like this. Anthony Robbins mentions John Belushi in a related way. Think of the troubled rock star with a drug habit that eventually kills them. It would seem that reason serves its purpose, and so does emotion. The challenge is the balance within our hearts and minds on an every day struggle.
But the whole reason I even began to write this chapter in my book in the first place is because I had stated to wonder some things. I had a view questions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good guy no doubt. But at times as much as I've felt that I could help the world - like my pain is a learning tool for others. As much as I’ve felt like part off my very purpose it to do something extraordinary that is unselfish. Like I could live on that and nothing else alone. I’ve also felt that if I was not considerate of my self, unaware, or inattentive to my core. I would be capable of another extreme. What am I’m saying? I’m not exactly sure odd enough... Let’s just say that if I had to completely turn of my self and was moved to become another person, it would not be so impossible for me to do that. If I wasn’t a humanitarian, I could loose my self as a black operations agent. It’s a scary thing to have the ability to loose your self so much on desire. It’s not easy, but its there. This darkness can definitely whispers at me from a corner of the room every once in a while. When I watch movies I don’t root for the bad guy. But I completely can relate to the consumption of what their feeling. I’ve often related to characters that are in conflict. The dark good guy. The troubled hero. The characters who battle there inner demons, but never completely win the battle. The ones who are constantly being courted and romance buy slipping. The haunted soul.
I think they are times when everyone feels down. For people of an emotional nature I believe it’s a little different for us. When we are in a depressive mode. We may be completely consumed with this moping around. To the point it’s immobilizing. We may be able to see threw "forest through the tress" logically- we are aware that its there. But we just can’t sense it. And remember, we are people that may be more inclined to follow that gut instinct and feel things out.
The Light:
At the same time I’ve always been attached and inspired buy people who have been able to "leave them self’s" and aspire to something greater. These people that capture the very essence of what it means to be human. Devine they say there are a few things that separate humans from animals. The list includes religion, art, and the concern of where we came from and how we got here. The ability to recognize our self’s in a mirror, etc. But the number one thing that separates humans from animals is "will". Will is really an amazing thing when you explore it. Will simply put is desire being manifested. Or desire turning is to something real. Crazy huh? We humans can take a desire and change our self’s, environments, history, or even the universe. Will is also an incredible thing when you think about it because it is timeless. By that I mean will cannot die. It transfers from one person to another, and can live on long after we die. And even if we were to all die tomorrow, the effects of mankind’s will would stand for a very long time. And even if all those effects of our existence, or will were to die. They would still live on, on a cellular or bacterial level. Scientist have a saying that "Everything goes somewhere" and this just may be true of use and everything we do, even if no one takes notice. True, being human means having faults. But the other part of humans that is amazing is the ability to recognize our fault, makes adjustments, and stay on path. Perfection is not what impresses me about nature. It’s the putting forth of effort" to attain something greater then our self’s that is amazing. Absolute commitment to constant and never ending improvement leaves me speechless.........
__________________
sooo... did anyone read that? ^^^^
because it sounds like that post shut the thread down with an information overload.
my take - a few good opinions in there, madison. thanks for the post. a few good facts as well.
bumpweasel has occurred.
this thread is beneficial to every single visitor on this forum.
i say this because even those who are out of touch to the point that they deny anything may be truly wrong with them, will feel some subconcious tug to read through all these replies. somewhere in that exploration of this thread, they may come a tiny bit closer to connecting and embracing that dark part of the psyche.
even if this thread just serves as good lulz and a means to say "heh, look at all the fucked up people in the world... I'm so above these ppl" ---- this thread is still beneficial to us all on some level.
I think a large part of the shadow has to do with escape. When we do something that we perceive to be internally and externally WRONG, we feel some degree of freedom inside ourselves that we have been chasing our entire lives. Sometimes it feels as if we are chained to the boring and monotonous path that we are walking on, with our concious understanding of right and wrong. Breaking off this path, just for a second, is incredibly alluring.. the same way danger will always hold an aspect of adventure.
When we see an oppurtunity to do something frown upon by those around us, we automatically wonder if it would be possible to get away with. Not that we would ever do such a terrible thing such as shoplifting, mollesting a child as a priest, mugging someone in the street.... BUT at the same time, how many of us take a step back and wonder, just for a split-second, subconciously even.... if we could pull it off and get away with it?
The illusive characteristic of the shadow has to do with our morals and ethics declaring right from wrong. Often times if we get away with something that could be construed as 'bad', our mind backwards-rationalizes that it was alright anyways, because nothing bad came of it. The same way a small child steals cookies from the cookie jar when mom isn't in the kitchen, and happily munches away up in his room. He didn't get caught, so it must be alright.. Maybe he'll grow up and steal vodka from the liquor cabinet a few years down the road. The trend carries on, without repercussions of some kind, there must not be anything truly wrong with this action.. RIGHT?
The shadow is always behind you, and ever illusive and hard to pinpoint. The morals and ethics that guide our decisions and actions are rightfully responsible for this mysterious quality of the shadow, because we often have doubts in our mind on the RIGHT course of action. Sometimes we take a the middle road, or even the low road instead of the high road. When we get past the situation and look back on our actions, our ego and self-importance tell us that what we did was perfectly alright because nothing bad came of it and there were no negative consequences. We continue to do things as such, and continue to take the easy path instead of the high-road. With no consequences, the behavior continues and falls completely out of sight as we tend not to focus on the things that would bring us down and make us feel bad about ourselves. Before we know it, we have priests mollesting hundreds of children for years and years without thinking twice about it before someone else blows the whistle.
Then suddenly, the priest becomes the naughty child, starts to blush, and realizes how wrong he has been because mommy finally came into the kitchen and caught him stealing cookies when he shouldn't have.
Am I completely insane or is there a degree of validity to what I'm trying to articulate.
Either way, just trying to bring this thread back.
Cheers RSD
because it sounds like that post shut the thread down with an information overload.
my take - a few good opinions in there, madison. thanks for the post. a few good facts as well.
bumpweasel has occurred.
this thread is beneficial to every single visitor on this forum.
i say this because even those who are out of touch to the point that they deny anything may be truly wrong with them, will feel some subconcious tug to read through all these replies. somewhere in that exploration of this thread, they may come a tiny bit closer to connecting and embracing that dark part of the psyche.
even if this thread just serves as good lulz and a means to say "heh, look at all the fucked up people in the world... I'm so above these ppl" ---- this thread is still beneficial to us all on some level.
I think a large part of the shadow has to do with escape. When we do something that we perceive to be internally and externally WRONG, we feel some degree of freedom inside ourselves that we have been chasing our entire lives. Sometimes it feels as if we are chained to the boring and monotonous path that we are walking on, with our concious understanding of right and wrong. Breaking off this path, just for a second, is incredibly alluring.. the same way danger will always hold an aspect of adventure.
When we see an oppurtunity to do something frown upon by those around us, we automatically wonder if it would be possible to get away with. Not that we would ever do such a terrible thing such as shoplifting, mollesting a child as a priest, mugging someone in the street.... BUT at the same time, how many of us take a step back and wonder, just for a split-second, subconciously even.... if we could pull it off and get away with it?
The illusive characteristic of the shadow has to do with our morals and ethics declaring right from wrong. Often times if we get away with something that could be construed as 'bad', our mind backwards-rationalizes that it was alright anyways, because nothing bad came of it. The same way a small child steals cookies from the cookie jar when mom isn't in the kitchen, and happily munches away up in his room. He didn't get caught, so it must be alright.. Maybe he'll grow up and steal vodka from the liquor cabinet a few years down the road. The trend carries on, without repercussions of some kind, there must not be anything truly wrong with this action.. RIGHT?
The shadow is always behind you, and ever illusive and hard to pinpoint. The morals and ethics that guide our decisions and actions are rightfully responsible for this mysterious quality of the shadow, because we often have doubts in our mind on the RIGHT course of action. Sometimes we take a the middle road, or even the low road instead of the high road. When we get past the situation and look back on our actions, our ego and self-importance tell us that what we did was perfectly alright because nothing bad came of it and there were no negative consequences. We continue to do things as such, and continue to take the easy path instead of the high-road. With no consequences, the behavior continues and falls completely out of sight as we tend not to focus on the things that would bring us down and make us feel bad about ourselves. Before we know it, we have priests mollesting hundreds of children for years and years without thinking twice about it before someone else blows the whistle.
Then suddenly, the priest becomes the naughty child, starts to blush, and realizes how wrong he has been because mommy finally came into the kitchen and caught him stealing cookies when he shouldn't have.
Am I completely insane or is there a degree of validity to what I'm trying to articulate.
Either way, just trying to bring this thread back.
Cheers RSD
Being a failure, or anything less than a top performer.
That has always been the ultimate "sin" for me. That has been my dark side.
Also, hurting other people. There are still aspects of that in my shadow. So that manifests as a "nice guy" when I suppress it and probably hurt people anyway in covert ways.
Erm... not sure if any of that is true actually. Maybe.
That has always been the ultimate "sin" for me. That has been my dark side.
Also, hurting other people. There are still aspects of that in my shadow. So that manifests as a "nice guy" when I suppress it and probably hurt people anyway in covert ways.
Erm... not sure if any of that is true actually. Maybe.
I like your take on it corksil, I think it is like that too.
Although, I think the problem is to not confront and accept our dark side, be it by alcohol, drugs, sex or hardcore mental rationalizations.
Why is it that the most "holy" people do the most weird depraved shit, like killing in the name of god, rapers that look like "normal" well adjusted people, along with tons and tons of behind the curtain activity.
I like positivity but there comes a time where it becomes just an excuse to rationalize "the dark side" that is ever present in everyone.
Although, I think the problem is to not confront and accept our dark side, be it by alcohol, drugs, sex or hardcore mental rationalizations.
Why is it that the most "holy" people do the most weird depraved shit, like killing in the name of god, rapers that look like "normal" well adjusted people, along with tons and tons of behind the curtain activity.
I like positivity but there comes a time where it becomes just an excuse to rationalize "the dark side" that is ever present in everyone.
__________________
My youtube channell.
My favorite comedians.
Embracing your dark side.
Deft´s Guitar Covers Extravaganza.
.Fucking my way to Bliss.
My youtube channell.
My favorite comedians.
Embracing your dark side.
Deft´s Guitar Covers Extravaganza.
- I was born with a severe food allergy and having an attack is like hell. As a baby, I got extremely sick from the breast milk (projectile vomiting, extreme shitting) I got and it took half a year before my parents found out I was allergic to milk. From the day I was born, I had to fight for my life. A food allergy is no joke. I had a whole bunch of close calls and two times I almost died from it. This shit has traumatized me as a kid and it made me into a pretty death-fearing person because I've been really close to it a couple of times. I was also asmathic and had extreme hay fever. I was an easy target from one.
- From the first day I was in school, till the day I left I got into countless fights. I won a good deal of them, but in the end I kept getting my ass kicked by kids who were older and stronger than me or were with more. I always fought back though even though I knew I didn't had a chance. I got beat up a lot.
- I lost my childhood innoscence pretty damn early and learned that the world is an unfair and ugly place while the other kids my age were still living in their wonderful kid dream world.
- When I was 14 I actually created a situation that could had killed me. I drove my bike around and I was like "fuck it". Closed my eyes, let go of the steering bar and woke up a few hours later in the hospital.
- I don't remember much of the two years after that because I was on a good dose of anti-depressants.
- When I was pissed one day, I kicked my dog in the mouth. It knocked him out and one of his front tooth was brown from that moment on. The first thing he did after coming back to concious after a few seconds was walking up to me a little dazed and licking me softly. It was like he wanted to comfort me because I felt like shit even though I just kicked him. I never felt so horrible about myself, ever. He was one of my best friends ever and always was good to me. He was always happy to see me, he would always come walking up to me when I felt depressed and he always looked me in the eyes like a true friend. We had to put him to sleep a year ago. I don't think there is anything in my life that I regret more doing. Thinking about this now and writing it down brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel like a piece of shit. I deserve this and I'll never forgive myself for it. It was the lowest, most horrible thing I have ever done in my life.
- The 4 years after that, I smoked weed all the time and drank my ass off because I loathed my life. I got wasted on whiskey at 17. Yet I managed to get my high school diploma through home schooling.
- I had shitty minimum wage jobs (2,30 bucks an hour) as well. One of which ruined my back for life. I still have backpains every day because of that.
- During 2007-2008 new years 'eve, I almost drank myself to death. From what I can remember I drank a bottle of champagne, at least five beers, some more champagne and then I attacked a bottle of whiskey and after that I lost count. I vomited blood on the way home, walked into cars, pissed myself and passed out on the sidewalk somewhere. I woke up a little while later in my own puke, blood and piss and crawled home. I was sick for three days with crazy irregular heartbeats, diarrhea, sweating, not being able to hold in anything, not being able to see properly, trembling... I seriously thought I was gonna die and I have never been this miserable in my life. This was needed for me to finally admit to myself that I had a problem.
- I visited a shrink a little while after that (about two and a half years ago) who helped me out a great deal. We just pretty much finished the theraphy.
- I'm a pretty happy and grateful person now, but I still have a little bit of darkness in me, and that's okay. I have found myself, I know who I am.
- I'm in college, but I couldn't give less of a shit about it. I get my grades, but the value of it is zero to me. I value ten minutes with my guitar more than a good grade I worked a few weeks for.
- I'm writing a novel, currently at 30.000 something words. It's pretty dark and angry shit. I can only write when I'm loaded. I sometimes drink alone.
- I'm pretty much addicted to self-help stuff
- I probably spend too much time watching porn
- I'm a pretty talented guitar player and people instantly respect and think I'm awesome when I hit the stage. Hot girls too.
- I'm 23, good looking and in good shape
- I'm a great flirt, I walk up to any girl I want and can keep a good and fun conversation these days.
- I haven't gotten laid yet. I kissed 3 girls in my entire life and grinded with two or three in clubs. That's my entire achievement list on the girls front.
I think this might help you guys undestand why I'm spending time on a forum like this.
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Part of the "living proof that no matter how much you sucked, you can become awesome" [/i]group.
To quote from one of my favorite TV shows, this is how I feel sometimes:
Hank Moody: I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and my self. But I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?
Hank Moody: I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and my self. But I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?
__________________
Part of the "living proof that no matter how much you sucked, you can become awesome" [/i]group.
To quote from one of my favorite TV shows, this is how I feel sometimes:
Hank Moody: I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and my self. But I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?
Hank Moody: I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and my self. But I’m not unhappy about that. How are you?
Niceee.....Thats the best show ever made dude.
Being cool with dark
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My youtube channell.
My favorite comedians.
Embracing your dark side.
Deft´s Guitar Covers Extravaganza.
.Fucking my way to Bliss.
My youtube channell.
My favorite comedians.
Embracing your dark side.
Deft´s Guitar Covers Extravaganza.
One1
Member
Join Date: 04/07/2009 | Posts: 83
Some what vain & self centered, but I'm working on it.
I can see others insecurities/weak points rather easily and sometimes when I see it in someone that has a submissive nature, unconsciously I seek to controll them or stick a freakin needle in that weak spot of theirs for my own amusement.
Damn I feel like a fucking loser after writing this.