THE FORUMS

oh, ok. Sounds good. I can use some admitting the things I'm ashamed of.

When I was about 9 years old I discovered masterbation. I had a dream shortly thereafter that I did not understand until I got older. It was a dream of me giving my own mother oral sex. Later on I realized what this meant and it made me sick. The other day I found a porn video entitled "Help from Mother" and I felt a tug to watch it. So I did and it was the most erotic thing I'd ever seen. Though afterwards I'd imagin my mothers friends who are also mothers giving me oral sex so that I wouldnt feel disgust and wierd around my real mother.

I remeber watching porn for the first time on my Dad's Direct tv back when they used to be able to fix the cards and get free tv. It was some chick rubbing a feminine looking chain on her pussy like you would with a towel to clean your nuts and ass crack with only a few tugs back and forward... I felt a sick erotic feeling inside that got me addicted for a little while. It was something inside me that thought it was bad. Thats the same sick erotic feeling I got from watching that video.

I'm always trying to face the things about myself that I know are destructive so theres not much for me to share. I'm always changing my ways.

Recently though I've felt a sort of superiority over others who dont face thier problems like I do. I know that that in itself is unhealthy and I'm looking for how to change that so that I feel equal to everyone. I dont want to be fighting all the time for higher status. Its a rats race IMO.

I feel the need to be the alpha male over a certain friend of mine who acts like an animal and whenever he copies somethign I do I get a litle high from it. I have a little desire to be the guy my friends look for women advice from because it makes me feel higher status, like to older one. Although they have the same problem.

It pisses me off about myself that I dont maintain my values or self help exercises. I have yet to find a way to consistently sharpen myself and am trying to find a timeless check list to measure myself by, so that over time I can look at my old ways and see the progress. Its just that the criteria is constantly changing and as I grow older I dont know what to measure myself against or how to measure it.. let alone do any sort of measuring or recording or sharpening.

I like to write diary entries on my computers and over the years I've written maybe 10 or more total. They were ususally late at night or at a time when I could let my free flowing consciouness take over while the pressing issues in my subconcious would eventually rise to the surface. I'd cry and find appreciation for the people in my life.. though later forget the things I'd written. I dont know where those entries are anymore. Some are lost from old hard drives. some are in blogs, some are in text files on various personal computers that I dont use anymore.

The most threputic things I've ever done is having a pen pal to write to online. I've had 4 people I'd write to on a consistent bases and then loose touch with over time. Its sad that you can share so much of yoruself with some people over long periods of time and then never really have a reason to speak to them anymore. Recently there was a very husky black girl that tried to hit on my on myspace. I was messing with her saying absolutely rediculous things to her although after awhile I really started to open up to her suddenly. I was feeling utterly lonely and depressed. So writing to her was more for me than anything else. She'd listen and tell me what she though, although that only served to let me feel as though someone was listening to me. I needed that. though once it was out of my system and my life wasnt so stangnant I'd sort of dissappear from her by not writing back as soon and frequently. my friends use that as a way to make fun of me.. to them being the guy who's supposdely the knowledgable pick up dude. 

I have a problem with feeling that I really need to have those washbaord abs to feel great about my body. I even started using fat burner pills to no avail. irnoically enough I stopped lifting weights the seconds I got on the pills and previous to the start of the pills I'd go to the gym religiously. Dont know whathappened there... I did it to look good, but that really isn't a good enough reason for me to keep doing it. Although I think I still wake up earler every other day to run because I just love to run. I feel more inclined to lift when I'm off the pills then when I'm on them.. wierd.

So what is the next step to this exercise? Where can I find the solutions to these insecureties?  

i like to out-alpha male my friends in front of girls casue its too easy and it works in my favor

i also look in the mirror wayyyyyy to much

I use drugs to escape reality when it doesn't happen the way I want it to.
I wake up drunk and piss in my closet then find it the next morning.. often.
I fucked a burrito in 8th grade.
I owe lots of money to the man.
I don't steal out of necessity, I steal for fun.
I want to move to a city so I can be nocturnal.

hmm, more will come. yes, more will come.

killing people, yeah that would be fun.

if you got away with it.

Yeah we all have these shadow elements. And you can't "cure them". You can only become conscious of them so that they don't act themselves out unconsciously in you. A person like FoodBuddha who is aware of the "killer" inside is far less likely to commit murder than somebody who has disowned that part of themselves and thinks that there is nothing within them that could ever commit such a crime.

Yesterday I realised that throughout years of trying to be present, I've developed the ability to forgive most things in other people. However, I find it much harder to forgive myself. I realised that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold I others to. And so I can find certain faults in other people perfectly forgivable although I would never accept them in myself. This is narcissistic/thinking of myself as a sort of super human. It also sets a very high threshold for what I need to achieve in order to like myself. If I don't live up to all my expectations, then I feel shitty. One way I cope with the shitty feeling is to give up and stop working towards goals. But there is still a lingering feeling that I'm a failure and lying to myself. I think a healthier approach is to be CONSCIOUS of the high expectations I have of myself but learn to forgive myself when I fall slightly short. Not to become complacent, but to recognise that I am an inherently fallible human, like everyone else around me.