THE FORUMS

March 26th, 2017
I've accepted my reality
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#11
Daniel

Daniel

Trusted Member

Join Date: 10/10/2008 | Posts: 1943

 Serious case of approach anxiety -- i recommend starting small, building block steps to get yourself used to social interactions. Don't go into clubs, tranced by music and stimilus, but start on a smaller scale. Make eye contact with people, say hi to people, having small talk with strangers and going from there. It cant be expected for you to go right into the clubs and approach hard, with your condition, but its not the end. Its never the end. 
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#12

Unsinkable

Senior Member

Join Date: 07/24/2008 | Posts: 196

I'm gonna go out on a limb and maybe cause a little controversy.

I'm gonna say, you need to LET GO OF WANTING IT.

Rather than want it more.

Allow me to explain, and LISTEN UP, because this single realisation lead me to FINALLY getting off a year-long plateua and finally into feeling not like shit constantly. I'm getting happier and happier and more centered by the day, with or without girls (which, nicely , makes you incredibly non-needy).

All your "wanting" is doing is placing you further and further away from an imaginary goal, a false sense of salvation, a sense of "when I get this, I can finally start living". It's just another deferred life-plan man. LET GO of everything you think you need. This is the esscence of what becoming centered is, to bring your faculties away from these projections of attatchment (attatchment to "getting this down") and aversion (aversion to "being a loser" or "being a chode") and bringing you back to yourself. Your deepest, realest self.

The best naturals are those who care least about being losers. People who're concerned with whether or not they're percieved as a loser are unconsciously holding that possibility in mind and resisting it because they're averse to it. Let go of your aversion to being a lame, weak, pussy, chode and watch what happens naturally.

You see this whole "not giving a fuck what people think of you" CANNOT WORK if it's done in reaction. Because what a person who says that in reaction is basically saying is "I hold it as a possibility that I can be affected by the opinions of others, so in reaction to that I will project an ego of "not giving a fuck"". You can't "not give a fuck" in order to be well-recieved.. It really means you have to be open to the possibility of rejection and be unphased by that possibility being present. That possibility is ALWAYS present anyway so you might aswell become comfortable with it.

Letting go of your aversion to being all the things your ego thinks are bad is extremely liberating and actually makes you LESS LIKELY to behave in those ways.
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#13

The Boss

Respected Member

Join Date: 02/16/2009 | Posts: 823

Dude i get nervous around people too EVERYONE does....some more than others and that just means if you really wanna fix your problem you have to work HOWEVER hard to fix it....but keep this in mind MOST people are just really nice....like some girls you can just tell by their face, the way the walk and talk....that she's just are down to earth cool person theres no need to be nervous around them...WE ARE ALL PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD NOBODY IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE.....

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“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” - African Proverb
"Girls are predominantly going for guys that are 'hot'. Hot is not good looking, they are different things."  -10Pin
"At the end of the day I rather be hated for what I am then loved for what I'm not." -Kanye West                                                                                                                                                             
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#14

Denominator

Junior Member

Join Date: 04/09/2009 | Posts: 23

THIS.

Self-actualization and becoming a cool dude are about stripping away the layers of emotional bullshit. 

Building yourself is the way of the ego. It merely obstructs the awesomeness already present. 

To emotionally want is to NEED--and that way lies the assumption you are broken.  But, we are whole; we are simply covered in emotional shit and we have confused it for our skin.  Wash the shit off.

Remember Fight Club?  "Self-improvement is masturbation.  Self-destruction on the other hand..."
Unsinkable wrote:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and maybe cause a little controversy.

I'm gonna say, you need to LET GO OF WANTING IT.

Rather than want it more.

Allow me to explain, and LISTEN UP, because this single realisation lead me to FINALLY getting off a year-long plateua and finally into feeling not like shit constantly. I'm getting happier and happier and more centered by the day, with or without girls (which, nicely , makes you incredibly non-needy).

All your "wanting" is doing is placing you further and further away from an imaginary goal, a false sense of salvation, a sense of "when I get this, I can finally start living". It's just another deferred life-plan man. LET GO of everything you think you need. This is the esscence of what becoming centered is, to bring your faculties away from these projections of attatchment (attatchment to "getting this down") and aversion (aversion to "being a loser" or "being a chode") and bringing you back to yourself. Your deepest, realest self.

The best naturals are those who care least about being losers. People who're concerned with whether or not they're percieved as a loser are unconsciously holding that possibility in mind and resisting it because they're averse to it. Let go of your aversion to being a lame, weak, pussy, chode and watch what happens naturally.

You see this whole "not giving a fuck what people think of you" CANNOT WORK if it's done in reaction. Because what a person who says that in reaction is basically saying is "I hold it as a possibility that I can be affected by the opinions of others, so in reaction to that I will project an ego of "not giving a fuck"". You can't "not give a fuck" in order to be well-recieved.. It really means you have to be open to the possibility of rejection and be unphased by that possibility being present. That possibility is ALWAYS present anyway so you might aswell become comfortable with it.

Letting go of your aversion to being all the things your ego thinks are bad is extremely liberating and actually makes you LESS LIKELY to behave in those ways.


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#15
TheyRALLMine

TheyRALLMine

Member

Join Date: 05/18/2009 | Posts: 56

 Are there women that you are NOT afraid of?  Practice on them.  When you see the beached whale that you obviously have 50 times the social value of then go through the classic pickup.  And close.  I know.  Ew...  But I find girls that you way outclass are harder to close.  Makes for good practice overcoming resistance.  Then when you get good at it move it up a notch.  Keep moving up the social scale.  Confidence begets success.  Success gives you confidence.  

Oh.  Wear a condom...
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My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.

 I am a man who does not exist for others.
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#16
crusher~

crusher~

Trusted Member

Join Date: 05/02/2008 | Posts: 1283

Quote:
I guess the small point I wanted to make is that no matter what people can say, how nothing's too late - some people just aren't "built" for this. Or the "damage" that has been done, is too great to change anything. I don't ask for pity, and I didn't initially write it for that and I honestly don't care if I get flamed or dissed for saying this, but I wanted to just finally let it out and go on and live this 'gamma' lifestyle that consists of walking through life and missing out on opportunities due to deeply rooted problems that weren't fixed.

The fault is me.
Umm, yeah. Get over your bad self.

First, success with women has no bearing on whether you are a success in life or not. You are not a loser because you can't pull a girl from a bar and have sex with her. You're a loser for thinking that somehow defines your worth as a person. You're a loser because you are stuck thinking that happiness is found between the legs of some random girl. You're a loser because you are giving up and rolling over to die.

Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot. It's not your fault. Someone else did this to you, made you this way. Harden the fuck up and quit feeling sorry for yourself. You're a college student for heaven's sake. You could be a West Virginia coal miner. You could be in the infantry over in Afganistan or Iraq. You could be living in a crack house in the East part of the district. You could have real problems.

Now that the tough medicine has been dispensed, I'm going to give you what you need. First, I imagine that you've got this huge pickup monkey on your back and you probably haven't had a good time out in a long time even though you've probably been out a lot. So, first thing to do is take a break and stop going out. Take a month and don't go out at all for a month. Then, when you do go out again, go out with no pickup agenda. Don't approach and try and open girls, just go out and enjoy the music and the people and having a few drinks. If you're up for it, get out on the dance floor and enjoy moving around. Frankly, I recommend dancing for everyone. It's a way to get past caring what other people think with less stress than approaching. Seriously, it's not like you have to pass a test to get on the dance floor. Beyond that, you'll have to be really over the top before people will start laughing and pointing and mocking you. However, you'll likely FEEL foolish and like everyone is watching you, so you get the social pressure without the fear and consequences of approaching women. So, go out dancing until it's fun and you really don't care what anyone thinks about your dancing. Of course, this might take you 6 months or even longer. So what? You're only 22. You've got time.

Second step. You have to break the link that you're maintaining between happiness and sex. Sex is pleasurable, but so is sleeping in late and so are lots of things in life. If you're unhappy with life now, sex isn't going to change that. Notice that this has nothing to do with being successful at pickup. It took me the better part of two years of personal growth and 18 months of pickup before I reached this point. Now, my life is no longer dominated by whether I get laid or not. I'm happy. If I get laid tomorrow night, that will add to my happiness, but not getting laid won't steal from my happiness. I hope that makes some sense.

Once you've found contentment and happiness internally, then worry about pickup.

Peace
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#17
killedthechode

killedthechode

Senior Member

Join Date: 02/08/2009 | Posts: 103

Damn, you guys really laid it out. Thats cool
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Do whatever...in the end you will find out what works....but you should be able to put it all on the line otherwise you keep wondering
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#18

Rich~

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/19/2006 | Posts: 1594

Quote:
guess the small point I wanted to make is that no matter what people can say, how nothing's too late - some people just aren't "built" for this. Or the "damage" that has been done, is too great to change anything


The brain is suprisingly plastic... check out the dramatic transformations people have made with things like meditation, EFT, Open Focus, etc.  There are vietnam veterans with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (i.e. guys who cant sleep, get all-consuming panic attacks and vivid nightmarish flashbacks because of their war experiences) who have been able to dissolve their emotional pain and find peace.  You don't think you can deal with the anxiety of talking to girls?  Granted going out 4x a week may feel like too much and you may just not have the leverage... but I BET you could find something that you COULD do for 1/2 to 1 hour a day that, in 2-3 yrs, will have made an INSANE difference.  If you want to change enough, you can.
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#19
Remy Lebeau

Remy Lebeau

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/20/2009 | Posts: 398

truth is if you say you cant do it you're right.

if you say you can you're also right.

neither choice is right or wrong, its clear the one you've made.
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" the training is nothing.... the will is everything.
 
 the will to act... " 

- Ra's Al Ghul 
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#20

cyberwolf76

Junior Member

Join Date: 09/15/2009 | Posts: 3

6am.sedna wrote:
Well, for the record I'm 22 years old, and in about a month I'll be 23.

The arguement that "you don't want it bad enough" simply does not apply to me and it can't. My friend and I desperately WANT IT fixed. If we didn't want it bad enough, we wouldn't be sitting here behind our computers and bitching about it, or going out to venues and trying to simply 'be good' with people. NO.

WE WANT IT badly. The problem lies in not 'wanting it', it lies in NOT BEING ABLE to do it, or bringing yourself up to doing it. It's MENTAL and Psychological disability. As in a way "retardation" is. It's years upon years of social programming that make this "loser" reality, a TRUE reality for us.

But in the end, life's a and then you die. Nas spoke true words. 
you're right man, its a mental and psychological problem. Easy to fix but hard to impliment. so here's the story, we are born with out a filter, we basically have no fear when we are young. This is a problem becuase there are things in this world that can harm a young child. so as we grow up out partents are always telling us "no!, dont touch that, dont talk to strangers" and and when this happens during one of our critical stages for brain development (before we have a concept of our selfs) we only understand that our parents are mad at us and we are shamed. our brain wires our memories with emotions so we get a neagative emotion for the actions in which out parents shamed us. so the approach anxiety emotion is real. and when we go through life we use some creative advoidance to advoid the negative emotion that comes with approaching people. and "neurons that fire together, wire together" so each time we avoid the cause of the anxiety, we are only helping to intensify the effect of it. but lucky for us our brains are really placid, meaning we can change the way we feel and think.

so the fix is gradual exposure therapy. we need to slowly get ourselves into the situation that causes anxiety. so start by just making eye contact, when you are cool with that, then just a simple hi, then, how are you...etc... small steps. and itll take awhile but your brain will change and the new "un anxious" feeling will accompany the social interaction and the "anxious feelings will" slowly dissapate.

I used to have bad social anxiety too man. it took a long time of doing this to get comfortable, maybe 6 months. but it helps. it starts to snowball, i've slept with over 40 women in the past 16months and now have a kick ass gf. just stick with it and itll pay off
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