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December 5th, 2016
StateIsKing's Fall Semester 2009: Social Skills 495 (College Thread)
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stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

Ok, so...I'm pretty ripped but hear me out.

If you ever read my summer thread from this summer, you know that I'm coming back to school as a senior in college from a summer of intense going out and massive comfort zone departures.

You also probably know that I have some ambitious goals for this semester and next, and that I'll stop at absolutely nothing to get them!

Given my academic schedule and other obligations, I have realized that going out four nights a week and doing massive approaches is simply not feasible. It also doesn't work well with me working out twice a day five times a week either.

But, I DO have Fraternity and other obligations of a social nature (parties, nights out with my female friends, etc...) during which I can do the two things all Humans know college is designed for: get amazing social skills and get laid like a rockstar [citation needed].

Anywho, I need to get back to my homework at the moment, but here's how things are going to run this semester:

1) I'm going to document every reference social experience and analyze it in terms of RSD-ish material here in this thread. I will document the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will try to do this anywhere from twice a week to seven times a week (you never know), but never less than two. This part is key to my learning process.

2) I will ocasionally write a field report about a night out that I feel deserves mention aside from the ordinary perspective of just "social skills mode."

3) You can feel free to call me on my shit, and yell at me if I don't do the two above things until 12/31/09, which is when this field report thread will end.

5) I will write about TODAY'S reference experience tomorrow (the motivation for this thread) after I turn in my math homework tomorrow :-D

27) I need to go learn math like NOW so that I can finish my homework in time to take at least a quick nap before class : ' (

Peace!

-J
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#1
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

So, it's been a rough couple of days (school-wise), but here we go...

I noticed some common threads this summer: I'd succesfully open, even make an awesome first impression, but then POOF! It would go away, and I was no longer cool. This would happen a lot.

Truth be told, a lot of my success to this point has come from my talent. My social skills haven't caught up, and unless I'm in ridiculous state, everything I do seems incongruent and others make sure to let me know that right away.

I've listened to Tyler's stuff on "The Magical Glass Wall" and it made a lot of sense, though I'm just now learning to apply the mindset. I'm naturally likely to be in some sort of social (that is, not professional)  event. I'm in a fraternity and I'm 22, enough said. I'm also taking a bartending course.

One of my fraternity brothers (one of the kids I don't talk to as much) came over the other day. The dude, D, is kind of a natural, and a really smart guy. When he speaks, he cuts over you. He interrupts you if he needs something clarified (if he thinks something doesn't sound right, he'll find a really good way to tell you you're wrong).

If he's talking about something and you try contributing, he doesn't even acknowledge you. His diatribe, story, or whatever "wouldn't it be cool if..." -type thought he finds himself talking about will continue as scheduled. My attempts at interrupting him or cutting off his thread have zero effect. I've finally seen what plowing looks like.

As a guy who's currently analyzing the value in every interaction, this is huge. The more he interrupted me, the lower I fell. Sometimes, he would interrupt me to give me props on something I was doing, and even then I felt like my value kept dropping. Every time he didn't acknowledge one of my suggestions or humorous comments, I felt like my value kept going down. Sometimes, I would offer value by telling a story or making a quirky observation, and it had the same effect on him as me not saying anything.

This other guy, also in our fraternity, showed up here too. He's similar in character, although tends to show a lot more hostility to keep his frame. I personally don't think that's healthy.

At some point, the guy who just showed up makes a comment about our shitty living room situation. I explain to him (in too much detail really) that our old roommate moved out and took all the cool shit with him (including a sick couch). I then proceed to spill over this standup comedy-type shpill about how much our living room sucks right now, and I dragged this on for a little while.

Both being the cool guys that they are (both have tons of hot chicks around them usually), they start laughing to themselves and saying shit like "Alright, we get it, the chair is not good for chilling. The chair is not comfortable. Enough." 

This drives my state lower, but I realized something pretty important about myself. I tend to make jokes because everybody likes to laugh, and I want people to laugh so that they like me. This reminds me of what Tyler calls "The Chode Way" in RSD Mastermind. I get into state because of other people's validation and when they cut it off, I lose state. REACTIVE.

I take two things from this: 

1) Trying to make people laugh to get with validation makes the joke unfunny, I need to be joking because I'm trying to amuse myself
2) I need to cut my jokes a little shorter, or it sounds too try-hard.

I feel like these two conclusions speak for themselves in terms of learning social skills and a good idea on how to proceed. Also, understanding plowing will help me with girls in field.

Any comments?
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#2
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

Again, I have to start with the homework in about twenty minutes, but this is the kind of discipline that will take me places...

Saturday August 12

I called in late to my bartending class and I stopped in at Panera to grab something to eat. After paying for my salad and my coffee, I put my stuff down and went to the fill my coffee when I saw an HB 9 sitting with her Macbook open. She looked like an ex-hookup/ex-really-awesome-friend named L. But she was slightly thinner (my ex-hookup was an 8),  and was definitely not my friend. But AS I WAS THINKING THIS she looked up, gave me a weird look, followed by a smile.

HB Panera: HI!
Me:[dude i totally know this girl, she's in a sorority we mix with] Hey.

I started walking right up to her table (even though it was kinda out of the way) and stood close to her.

Me: You know, like, I see what you're trying to do here and all...like, you're trying to make it look like you're working really hard and shit...

[As I say this, I exaggeratedly wave my hands around above her table, which is littered with class notes, several empty plates of food, and empty drinks, etc....]

Me:and you want to make it look like you've been here for hours working your ass off but, I'm totally on to you! I caught you, you can stop now, thanks.

Her: [Giggling like CRAZY, her friend on the table next to her is laughing too].

Me: You're on FACEBOOK, how can you do homework when you're on FACEBOOK!

Her: I'm not, I'm actually working this time! :-D

A lot of the time I find that girls LOVE it when you catch them doing something bad/silly, or when you give them weird looks whenever they screw up something that's supposed to be really easy to do (like opening a beer). I'm talking about something like walking-in on your girlfiend drinking half your milk straight out of your milk carton in the middle of the night, and busting her on it. Whenever it's not TOO obnoxious, I always accuse them in an I'm-so-totally-apalled-by-your-behavior manner,and it's SO money and it really amuses me (and a lot of the time, it amuses her, but if not, then fuck her...).

Me: What? No. You pressed like Alt Key and then Tab Key and you switched screens, I know that trick too!

Her: Haha. I'm not using my keys, look....see! [she points at some gay flowchart on Word or some shit]

Me: Dude wait, where's my vibrator thing (the ones that let you know when your order's ready), hold on...[and I go get it, then I go get my coffee].

I proceeded to eat my salad by myself, and even though I was facing in her direction, I mostly spent my time looking down at my meal, or up and to the side at a painting.

I didn't re-open her, but I did have some thoughts as to why I didn't re-open her. If that girl was a SEVEN, no doubt in my mind I would have come in there and re-initiated the conversation. Why was I holding her up so highly??

This was a KEY realization: I already am cool in front of sevens, and if I'm in state, I'm a lot of fun to be with. It's great!

But for some reason I can't replicate that with hot girls. I get REALLY tied up in their reactions to me. Same with most guys. Most guys, I have no problem talking to. But whenever I start to get a sense that the guys are cooler than me in any way (which is bullshit, but whatever that's still how I feel), I start to act less and less cool around them. If I sense that people are LESS cool than me, I start to act more and more cool around them (busting their balls, etc...) and I give off a way better vibe!

I don't know if BY NOW this seems obvious to you but, it does to me: the same reason why we learn to pickup girls by approaching HBs is why we should learn social skills by interacting with COOL GUYS AND GIRLS exclusively. Of course this is just a theory (and I probably ripped it off from someone at some point, but it's OK becaus I acknowledge it).

I have to learn social skills with cool people, not people I don't consider cool. I've found that people who are uncool, people who are insecure about themselves, can sometimes resent you when you're busting on them for something, or they don't really know how to bust on you back and feel weird around you. It's the same way 7s will a lot of the time get discouraged with me because I play so hard to get they lose interest.

Like I said, it might sound obvious to everybody here, but watching how other cool guys behave and relating it back to THEORY is how I learn social skills. Why would I waste my time learning to be social with uncool people, only to later have to learn to be social with really awesome people? That simply just doesn't make sense. In a lot of ways, I feel like I have to raise my standards and have well-defined boundaries about what I consider cool. I'm sure I've heard that somewhere and it's ONLY NOW making a lot of sense.

Anyway, homework calls, goodnight.

-J
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#3
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

This is not really a post, more of an observations list.

Through this current path of getting "cool guy social skills," I've started to pay attention to things that I didn't even consider before. These include:

1) How fast/slow I talk. I've been trying to slow down my speech and talk slower

2) I've also slowed down my body movements in order to appear more relaxed

3) I'm constantly analyzing value of every interaction (without getting to caught up with people's reactions...I'm simply more aware of it).

When I talk slower, I naturally say less in the same amount of time so it forces me to talk LESS and improve the quality of  what I say (thinking before I speak). This is taking some work, but it's taking me in the right direction.

Another thing I'm trying to do is cut out my negative social habits (this is what I'm most focused on right now). Right now, I need to:

4) Stop making excuses for my behavior or my actions. I'm always caught in these loops where I feel like I have to explain myself every time I do or say something controversial or a little off. Lately, I've been able to cut myself off almost at the very beginning. I typically end up excusing myself pre-emptively, as to diffuse any sort of possible disagreement that might come up as a result of what I'm about to say.

5) Stop giving too much information up front (make people work for it). This is a huge one and almost embarassing to talk about but, I usually offer WAAAAY more information than most people would want (not calibrated). I don't know if that makes sense to anybody, but I can't just tell you that "I've been super busy lately." I almost feel like I have to tell you my whole fucking story, otherwise you'll lose interest. This is something I'm working EXTREMELY hard to get rid of, and it's typically tied in with 4).

Anyways, those are my thoughts. So much homework to do still (sigh).
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#4
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

I went out Friday night with some fraternity brothers of mine. I could kinda tell that this was going to be one of those nights where I drink. A lot.

We were at a two-dollar draught place, so I knew it was going to be packed. I really only opened like two sets, a 7 and a couple of HB9s. The 7 responded mildly. Sevens respond mildly to me because they know I don't actually want them (I don't). Somehow, they can sense that I'm not 100% with it. That's why I decided to stop approaching 7s (she just happened to be there).

The 9s responded negatively. They had been standing in the middle of the place for about ten minutes, and not a single guy had talked to them.I opened just for the sake of practice (already a little shitfaced)

I opened them with something silly, but it was miscalibrated and I was quickly informed of this by the girls. I was a little drunk,  and I think I came across too giddy.

One of the absolute best nights I had last summer came as a result of an extremely in-state, extremely laid back set. As I remember writing in my FR, "my voice slowed down significantly." I've tried being more laid back lately (talk less, make points quicker and with less nonsense, stop taking everyone so seriously). What I can remember from that good night about the summer was that "warm coal" sensation Jeffy talks about when describing state. I like that analogy, but I tried thinking of my own.

Like, whenever I "feel cool" or "in state," I've noticed that I always have two options: 1) Be over-the-top, super in-state funny (basically entertainer) guy or 2) Be the guy with responsible amounts of gold coming out of his mouth. I say "responsible" because, like Jeffy says, " I don't want to say stupid shit!" I don't want to walk on eggshells all the time, but a lot of the stupid shit I DO say is stuff that I personally think is stupid a lof of the time, yet I still say it. It's like I have no filter, I'll say the most random shit that pops into my head.

Now I'm not saying I don't plan on talking anymore, I'm just going to force myself to say shit I think is cool. I want to set up a line for what I consider to be "cool" or "funny," and part of that is holding myself to those standards. Because I don't have that "clear line in my mind" about what kind of stuff I'll pay attention to for myself, I tend to listen to everything everybody has to say (especially when the girl is hot or the guy is cool). Forcing myself to live up to my own standard of "cool" is the first step in drawing that line.

As a little bit of how-to, I plan on doing the following:

1) Stay quiet for a moment and actually THINK about what I'm about to say: Is what I'm about to say something that I would consider COOL or something I would later regret saying (because I hate sounding like a douchebag to myself).

2) Be unreactive (I can already do that when I say shit I think is stupid, so OF COURSE I'll be able to do it with stuff I think is cool)

3) Cut how much I talk (for now) by at least %80. If I'm going to be thinking and at least at this stage, ANALYZING whether I think something's cool or not, I'm gonna need to give myself some help by not overflowing my buffer (is that last part geeky?)

4) Write about it.

Just to wrap up, I'd like to finish up with a semi-success story.

I went to my frat house after the bar. I wanted to play beer pong, but I didn't have a partner. I went into the other room and asked three girls (two HB8s and one HB7) which one was better at pong. One of the HB8s raised her hand (like she's in class or something wtf) and told me she played basketball in high school. I knew that if I talked a lot she would realize I was drunk and ruin it, so I said "I'll come get you when it's our turn" and left.

I came to get her, and during the game she kept saying "skooch" and shitting on me for missing easy cups. I played it cool, and we went upstairs (with other people) and I sat down and talked to her for a while. It went well, I was IN (she asked me to sit next to her by tapping the small space next to her).

I ended up dancing with her in our basement "dance floor," and right when I realized I SHOULD HAVE gone for the makeout, she said "I'll be right back," and started dancing with some other dude.

I panicked, and I opened this dude I sort of know. He could tell something's off, but he plays along. It's such a habit of mine (but also very reactive of me at times) to open an adjacent set whenever a girl cuts me off or leaves momentarily. I headed upstairs and kept talking to freshmen guys (it's RUSH right now). I saw her go up the stairs, and I clawed her by the wrist and pulled her down the stairs. She obliged. Awesome. I've never done this.

It went nowhere after that.

So, while it's definitely not something I completely endorse, drunk gaming has taught me some things

1) Speak less, the more I talk the more I can fuck things up (for different reasons than when sober, but the principle holds)

2) When I'm drunk, I'm forced to slow myself down to sound coherent; slowing down my talking (in general) gets me better results

3) I had been conveying alpha characteristics all night, except when I knew I SHOULD'VE (and I didn't) escalate (makeout), the girl got weirded out and left. I think that at that point is more weird NOT to escalate than to escalate and have the girl not take it well.

Anyway, I'm out; long day of homework tomorrow :-/

-J
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#5
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

So, I'm still retardedly booked with homework (actually, I want to finish them earlier in the week so that I can attend fraternity rush events).

Nevertheless, I wanted to make a couple of comments on my own behavior from these past two couple of days.

LOOKING UP. Since I go to school in Boston (if you're looking for a serious wing in Boston, let me know ASAP), I find myself walking to get around quite often. I've realized that when I walk, I usually look down or to the side. This is definitely not good, for two reasons: 

1) It gets me in the habit of looking down (submissive, not confident)

2) I can't see people from a distance, which usually leads to awkward encounters when I run into someone I know (I always feel startled for some reason)

I fixed this after going to the gym today (I dropped almost 3 lbs, now at 82.2 lbs!!). I called a buddy of mine, and I sounded more relaxed on the phone (this tends to be a problem since sometimes the other person doesn't talk and I nervously fill in). I think I'm going to keep looking up.

On that note, I have also worked hard to fix my overtalking problem by forcing silence on myself. Even if I catch myself ABOUT to talk a lot and tell a long-winded story with irrelevant details, I cut myself off and force myself to live with whatever dumb, uncool thing I was about to say.

I'll keep working on these two things for the rest of the week and check back in later tihs week and let everyone know how I'm doing.

Cheers
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#6
HPRJ

HPRJ

Respected Member

Join Date: 09/27/2009 | Posts: 460

 you remind me alot of myself. Most of the shit you are going through, is exactly like my own situation. awesome. what fraternity are you in?
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#7
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

HPRJ, I'm in Chi Phi.

So, I'd love to stay and chat but I'm just writing to get the ball rolling again. These past two weeks have been rough. The last couple of days I was sicker than a vietnamese whore. Ouch.

Just some trends, and some notes.

1) It takes social skills to build social skills (like muscle). Thus, I've lately been putting myself in "no way out" situations that force me to be that social guy. For example, I've made an effort to hang out with people that I normally don't talk to from my own Fraternity (we're all friends, but you're naturally closer to some brothers  than others). The more of these social experiences I have, the better I can handle new situations and improve even more.

2) I catch myself supplicating. Perfect example, I was going somewhere and I ran into a couple of friends who were going the opposite way. I uncomfortably followed them and then decided to head back. I will stop making myself uncomfortable for other people's pleasures.

Today, I showed up to a frat party of mine. This HB7 (whom I avoid) saw me and started talking to me. Minutes later, I get the following text messages:

HB7 Text: "Stateisking just got here." 
HB7 Text: "OMG that text wasn't for you, but I'm glad you're here :-)"

Uhm...awesome? Haha. Too bad I raised my standards after doing well with HB7s (the ocassional 8 or 9). This girl wants me.

Anywhooo....socially, I'm growing. I can tell. I'm slowly building up my own fire. I'm more calibrated. I feel like I'm still putting in the work and not seeing that many tangible results. I feel like my social skills are gonna overwhelm me one day because I don't even realize my gradual progress, and hyper calibration and coolness are going to come all at once.

Aight bitches, I'm out. I'll post more this week.

-S
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#8
stateisking

stateisking

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/11/2007 | Posts: 151

It's gay how I haven't written on this thing like I promised. It's been a rough semester. 

To a certain extent, I feel like my social skills did graduate. I was missing fundamentals:

Game + Social Skills = Social God

This shit didn't happen over night, and it certainly didn't happen the way I thought it would. But that's life. 

Here are some lessons from this all:

1) Whatever you do, keep your cool when you get social congruence tests. I mean REALLY keep your cool. Body language helps (i.e. smirking and saying "oh, oh okay") since it gives you time to think, speaking of which...

2) Give yourself time to think. As someone with ADD, this is a huge problem, but I feel like it happens a lot to guys. Literally, pausing nearly doubled my effectiveness. I'm still training, so the first thing to mind usually isn't the 'best' thing to mind. Plus, it builds sexual tension. 

3) I can't believe how much of being 'cool' is being unreactive, or precise. My frat brothers sometimes shit on me as a joke, and ignoring them makes them look hyper when they do  half the time. Preciseness is very cool also. On halloween, I was able to narrow down which character from Clockwork Orange this guy was, and I even said the words "ultra violence."  This kind of niche conversation really resonated with the dude. It resonates with girls, too

Not that many examples comes to mind, but here's a hypothetical one:

Me: "Oh you went to Mazatlan? Nice, you probably stayed close to that bar Joe's" (it's a really small fucking town...if you're not near Joe's you're too far!)
Her: OMG yes!

4) Understanding for the other person. This does not mean acceptance. Understand where they're coming from, and you can target your communication so that it resonates. This DOES NOT mean you should always kiss people's asses (and in fact, I found myself doing this in the most subtle ways that I wasn't even aware of). All this means is a) understand where the person is coming from and b) amplify the areas where you overlap, but feel free to say when you disagree

5) Talk less: it simply puts the pressure on other people to talk. 

6) It's NOT gay to make eye contact with guys, it's dominating. Make eye contact with EVERYBODY

Anyway, I'm done summarizing. Before I go, here's a transcription of a text conversation I had while sitting here typing. The content/wording has NOT been altered; as annoying as she might sound, she's a model and I'm fine-tuning my game towards that niche...

Me: Well well...where the hell have you been little girl

HB8: I was just looking at your Facebook page and about to leave a comment. I'm already home since I finished all my finals Tues night. 

HB8: Sorry I missed Kiss [My Fraternity] day, even though you wouldn't have gotten a kiss on the cheek from me at all lol (shit test?)

Me: Well you'll just have to reschedule

HB8: How about next year? Close enough? Even though I'm sure you can't wait...lol

Me: Next year sounds delightful. You'll have some time to practice [kissing] that way ;-)

Me: I heard from a 5th grader that u can practice on ur hand or something...

HB8: Hahahah practice? Ha I'm a natural I don't need practice ;-) lol

HB8: I didn't kow you hung out with 5th graders now...isn't that illegal? And why would I practice on my hand to kiss people on the cheek? Nice one! (shit test, again!)

Me: Shut up, kisses on the cheek are fucking gay btw...

Me: My 5th grader hypothetical buddy told me that too...u should talk to some cooler people pop-tart

HB8: Hahah wow Stateisking, you're so smart when I grow up I wanna be just like you. Naht! Kisses on the cheek are the next thing, but you wouldn't know that...

HB8: ...you're still talking to your imaginary 5th grader friends...lips? You're too young to experience that just yet! lol

Me: Well i won't kiss you unless u demonstrate consistent and thoughtful practice on your hand, or whatever you're into. No exceptions...brat...

HB8: Who said you'd be so lucky to have me kiss you after such intense "practice" smartass lol

Me: First off, i kiss YOU not the other way around...second, all this talk about sexy kisses has me all hot and bothered again, so i have to stop now :-P

HB8: Hahahahaha lmao i'm admiring the first sentence...and I tend to have that effect on people ;-) lol

Me: Well I'm kinda dominant. I hope you like that. I'm known to pull your hair

I literally just typed and sent that last one. And since it's a live conversation, we'll leave it at that since I'm done here ;-)

Peace, love, cheesecake

-J

PS In all fairness to HB8 above, she gets the last line of the conversation, and of this post. She texted me back as I was proofreading (everyone here does that...right?)

I don't care what she says at this point, my game has definitely graduated to a certain extent. Her response (as I read it):

HB8: LMAO dominant yes. Hair = hahahah
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