THE FORUMS

July 23rd, 2017
Burning High school to the ground.
Your rating: None Average: 4.4 (5 votes)
Bookmark and Share
#91
EatmewhileImHOT

EatmewhileImHOT

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/17/2009 | Posts: 330

Ahhh, man.  Last night was a learning night.

Got a call from a friend about a party going on.  Tried calling up half k to go, but she insisted on bringing the best friend.  Not working out.  So, I go solo.  My mate picks me up and we go to grab his girlfriend.  Apparently she's bringing a friend.  I wonder who it is...

Turns out to be a black military chick that gives my hand a crush grip.  FUCKING YIKES.  Tonights goal:  Makeout, regardless of rejection or not.  We get to the house, and theres a couple girls there.  The 'party' hasn't been brought yet. Theres some dude whose already wasted, being belligerent as fuck.  Anyway, I spot my mates girlfriends other friend, and she's a cutie.  A 7.  I'll call her HBpiercing.  We shake hands, and light banter.  But all of the sudden, chode mode makes a return, and the next thing I know I'm being stifled/weird.  Okay..wing it.  I'm talking to two other girls about lesbians.  

Man, re-hashing all of this is hard, I remember half of it.  So let's fast forward.  Light kino, push pull, tell her cute friend that we aren't going to get along, blah blah blah.   Then another girl shows up; 6.5.  She is being wayyy more receptive than the other girl.  I really don't remember what I did besides dancing with her, and then pulling her in to kiss her.  Then I left, for some awkward reason I still don't understand.  Another one of my better mates rolls in with a couple guys I've never met before, and two girls.  I shake hands with the guys, and we talk.  I go over to the girls, and...shit.  It's the girl I sent retarded drunk asshole messages to.  Awkward times. Her, and her ridiculously bitchy looking friend.  They come in, and the host flips out on us bringing more people.  They have to leave. Damn.  Two more dudes show up.  They leave.  It's me, my mate, and like six girls.  and then the a-a-a-a-alcohol gets there.  I'm talking to the 6.5, teasing her and dancing.  But it's weird, almost like I'm some chode who has no idea what the fuck he's doing.  As a matter of fact, that's what ends up happening.

.....................and then it turns sour.  The alcohol pours in, and I'm all of the sudden retardedly disfunctioning.  My mate comes up and whispers to talk to her cute 7 friend, she likes me.  Bleh, I ditch the 6.5 (which I shouldn't have done).  I go outside to talk to her, and then I sit on her lap.  I tell her she's santa, and I want sex and something for christmas.  She says something, and I turn around and go for the makeout.  No go.  "I'm a lesbian."  "OH YEAH? Prove it!"  Then I stumble off back into the house.  My mates girlfriend comes in and tells me to stop being such a manwhore.  I laugh and say something stupid.  Definitely should have said "Okay, sure." dismissivly.  Then a huge wave of guilt and chode feelings passes over me.  Like, toxic shame to the max.  Theres a guy there, and I don't really want the 6.5.  I hook them up and off they go to the bedroom.  I was wondering whether or not I should go back to her best friend, and continue escalating.  I start spouting stupid shit about having orgys.  Man, no more unsober game for me.  Bits and pieces later, she's shit testing hard.  I walk back outside and am talking with a friend about how I hate when girls claw backs when fucking.  She says, "I'm a clawer!".  I tell her we aren't having sex.  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then comes the angry cockblocking of a best friend.  She makes getting between me and the girl impossible.  My mate won't manhandle her the right way, he's pretty chode.  She's just outright rude, and I can't call her out because she's my best mates girl.  

What happens next..the cutie dissapears.  I get out of chode feeling mode, and it turns into fury.  HOW DARE SHE DENY MY RIGHT TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH THIS GIRL.  I look for the girl;  No avail.  She's still there, her giant jeep isn't gone yet.  Then I see her in the rain, talking with one of her ex one-itis's of 4 years.  Then I learn she's a cutter, and my libido goes waowoowao crash.  I go back inside, out of control at this point.  Take the girl that just finished up with the guy I sent her in,a nd make out with her.  Realize what I did.  Run to the bathroom and apply mouthwash.  The cutie comes back in, she's leaving.  I don't even care for the number, I feel as if shit is too awkward at this point.  When in reality it wasn't, I was making it awkward.  I also learned that getting turned away from the kiss doesn't mean 'no,' it means 'not now'.  If I would have been having a good time/escalating properly, I could have pulled her.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I came home with wood, and a frustrated feeling.  Last night I had to learn serious lessons the hardway.

This is a halfassed report, I can't remember/don't feel like lodging into details.

Reminder:  Don't mention sex.  Lead conversations, outside head, light on the party juice, learn more outer game.  ignore the cockblock friend.  do not give a damn. do NOT APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR DESIRES AS A MAN.

I found out something pretty useful.  I'm still wired as being very apologetic for wanting sex.  Something to work on;

Summary:  I made a shit load of mistakes, went for makeouts twice, missed one, hit the other.  Went home with wood.  Learned hard lessons.




Two days of not meditating/no add meds, and you feel like going insane.  Wow. Non stop ego-ic thoughts running through my head.  Old habits kicking in. Unmotivated.  
-later.
__________________
"Happiness does not come from a vagina. It goes into one."-Utopia5
Login or register to post.
#92
Halffull

Halffull

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/23/2006 | Posts: 3179

EatmewhileImHOT wrote:
Progressive building.  One block on another block on another block. 

 What to work on?  Neutral tonality  All times.  My problem with neutral tonality is, are you supposed to sound like fucking monotonous and boring?  Or is it just supposed to be 'relaxed...' 


The master of neutral rapport:




Relaxed pretty much has it.
__________________
Self-Made Renegade: Land your dream job without the right degree, connections, or experience.
Login or register to post.
#93
EatmewhileImHOT

EatmewhileImHOT

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/17/2009 | Posts: 330

Halffull wrote:

EatmewhileImHOT wrote:
Progressive building.  One block on another block on another block. 

 What to work on?  Neutral tonality  All times.  My problem with neutral tonality is, are you supposed to sound like fucking monotonous and boring?  Or is it just supposed to be 'relaxed...' 


The master of neutral rapport:




Relaxed pretty much has it.

The vid won't pop up half ful.  Direct link it?  


I was thinking about the feelings that came up, the 'shame', to close.  When I first started out with RSD I had continually affirmed everything I was taught, until it was my reality.  It lasted for awhile and then I fell back into social conditioned habits.  I didn't understand social conditioning, and I still don't.  I understand what it is, but the effect it has on me...It's like saying you understand what cancer does to you, but when you feel a hard lump in your chest and it's a tumor, and you brush it off...

I read a bit of the blog by 'the pooks mill';  It made me realize just how feministically PROGRAMMED I am. 

"If your son or daughter is about to enter a top university in the liberal arts, he or she will be behind the lace curtain. You’ll notice it next Christmas. It is leaving many of our daughters with a love-hate relationship toward their dads and husbands; when they become mothers of sons, their feelings about men are transmitted to their sons, leaving their sons with mixed feelings about themselves. The Lace Curtain, like the Iron Curtain, ultimately hurts even those it was intended to benefit: leaving many employers fearful of hiring women; making many of our children fearful of marriage. "

I can testify;  I'm writing this post more on an account to guys and social conditioning, and how it relates to my life.  Although it may come across at some points as whiny bitch.

My mother has been telling me all my life to be the 'good guy'.  I'd grown up watching Oprah, and Dr. phil.  I'd shake my head in disgust at men cheating on wives.  I'd shake my head in disgust when I heard a guy wanted sex.  I was reinforced by girls "I just want a nice guy who won't hurt me."  I never questioned why I got the short end of the stick acting the way I did, even though

and of course, with all these reference experiences from girls, and not enough man experiences from my father...it became my reality.  I was the guy women 'claimed to want'.  Is it really what they want?  Not so.  I wont hurt you, I dont want sex, thats not me.  It's all rooted in such DEEP SHAME.  Seriously, I can see a bit of what JFM meant.  I realize that my mother didn't mean harm by telling me these things, she meant to help.  But little did she know the ramifications of what she/the rest of the world did.  I don't claim a victim Identity, knowing what I know it is my responsibility to change it, but still...

I realize now that this journey is alot more than changing your social/physical/spiritual life.  You literally are going to re-create/challenge everything you've been told/know from childhood.  You have to dive deep into what everyone else is telling you, cut through all the shit, and come back out to the other side.  My problem with cutting through all of the feministic bullshit is...

Who else is on your side?  Most everyone you know is conditioned by it. 

Scary thoughts.  I didn't know what I signed up for when I read the david d newsletter.
__________________
"Happiness does not come from a vagina. It goes into one."-Utopia5
Login or register to post.
#94
UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

Haha, hey, I see you liked my happiness quote.  Say my name (in your sig), bitch.  ;)

BTW this quote:
"I'd shake my head in disgust at men cheating on wives. I'd shake my head in disgust when I heard a guy wanted sex."
makes me laugh so hard right now because I keep seeing evidence of the opposite.  Women cheating on their guys, it sickens me to the point of being pretty biased against relationships.  I guess I need to make sure not to get that attitude of "Girls are cheating dishonest people at large." 
Login or register to post.
#95
Halffull

Halffull

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/23/2006 | Posts: 3179

My bad, search for any scenes form the movie "the Tao of steve" on youtube, that guys the master of neutral rapport seduction.
__________________
Self-Made Renegade: Land your dream job without the right degree, connections, or experience.
Login or register to post.
#96
EatmewhileImHOT

EatmewhileImHOT

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/17/2009 | Posts: 330

UtopiaFive wrote:
Haha, hey, I see you liked my happiness quote.  Say my name (in your sig), bitch.  ;)

BTW this quote:
"I'd shake my head in disgust at men cheating on wives. I'd shake my head in disgust when I heard a guy wanted sex."
makes me laugh so hard right now because I keep seeing evidence of the opposite.  Women cheating on their guys, it sickens me to the point of being pretty biased against relationships.  I guess I need to make sure not to get that attitude of "Girls are cheating dishonest people at large." 

Damn, couldn't think of where I got that from.  In my next LR, as I climax; "UTOPIAFIVEEEEE".  Yeah, ever read sperm wars?  I plugged it in to like 50 million different scenarios in my life.  Thinking like that doesn't help you though.  When you think like that it definitely becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  I figure as long as your not being clingy/providing great sex and keeping the relationship in bounds,  you should be okay. I see alot of shitty things happening on both girls and guys ends of the relationship spectrum, but I realize the relationships I'm looking at the guy isn't setting the groundwork for the relationship, and he's being pretty fucking chode.  I don't want to enter into a LR, I think I'd revert to being pretty chode.

I was reading a FR of yours, and every time I got shit tested hard I thought of a part where it trailed off something like "I keep getting blown out, this sucks", and then I remember to quit bullshitting around, it's part of the process.  Weird, huh.

Skipped today, no FR.  I plan to go out partying this weekend to go for more makeouts, as it's a huge comfort buster for me.

I watched a bit of the tao of steve, half full.  I'm guessing the whole relaxed style in the ice cream scene is Neutral, but I guess it's about right. 
__________________
"Happiness does not come from a vagina. It goes into one."-Utopia5
Login or register to post.
#97
EatmewhileImHOT

EatmewhileImHOT

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/17/2009 | Posts: 330

Woke up today, with a shitload of anxiety.  Painbody?  I dunno.  The usual group isn't there, so I hit up half k's SC.  I make eye contact with a cutie across the room, and it's on.  She buzzes over next to us, like she's asking to be opened.  Standard "Hey, whats up!"  Then I start rambling about shit.  People are 'whats upping' me, as I'm talking to her, like it was some giant staged social proof scene.  I should have been talking more to the group, versus completely talking to her.  Random handshake teaching kino.  Then some angry looking dude comes up behind her.  'Hey man, whats up?"  I shook his hand, and forgot his name.  She has a small nose piercing.  I tell her I hate small nose piercings.  "But its the only one I have!"  then something about me hating septums.  The conversation trails, and I start conversing with Half k.  She turns back to the guy and talks with him, then I re-turn and she opens me again.    She was into me.  Twas' more of a warmup set.  Turns out that girl is the sister of the girl I was talking to that is a everything but vaginal sex virgin.  Weird though, for sisters they look nothing alike.  They leave.  I see the dude later and say whats up, he doesn't say anything.  Can't beat em all.

First: Study for exams.
Second: Study for exams
Third: Take test, study for exams
Between third and fourth I was talking to hbToobitchy looking spouting nonsense.  I wasn't trying to spout nonsense, it's all I could conjure up.  I tell her she looks like a pumpkin in flip flops.  I tell her to be my Mrs. Santa claus.  The most stupidest shit, and guess what?  It went fine.  I didn't even get a weird look.  Maybe because I was congruent with it?  Or maybe it really doesn't matter what you say, and I need to stop being such a super chode. 
Fourth; Movie times.  Sexual innuendo, teasing Hbtoolazytodressright.
Fifth: read.  Went to lunch, and promised myself the night before I was going to enter a prolonged conversation with that cute asian girl I swore to open back in the first page.  I went outside, and went to speak to her but then made a sidestop to my sixth period class, she was too far ahead, it'd come off as creepy man if I opened her then.  It's one thing to not care what people think, it's another to be more 'calibrated'.  Didn't see her until after lunch.  On the way to lunch I see a friend and her not so cute friend.  I talk to them, and then open another girl that's really cute, (After they left) With, "Singing medievil songs, don't you think thats lame"?  She was actually friendly, but I stopped the interaction short.  FUCK.  SHould've got her name/actually tried.

I got back in class and went over to the cute asian girl, and did flash cards with her. Bit of fun qualification.  "Spoiled-  I bet that's you."  (Its a language class)
She was fun, she just seemed a little shy.
Sixth: Classtimes with wing girl.  She has a huge ass, and she's probably reading this.


Weird;  I haven't made the 'identity shift'.  I've seen the blueprint twice, and tooken notes.  I'm about to re-go through it, but with all the shit I have to do, stacking another hour of blueprint?  That's fucking killing me.  


It's weird.  I don't dread a girl blowing me out.  I don't dread her shit testing me.  I dread leading the conversation, and running out of things to say.  I dread thinking I need to have the 'right things to say'.  These beliefs fuck me hard, and may be the reason why when I go to have a conversation, I can get hear what they say, but nothing comes out.  In other words, when you think of those really clever jokes you see the funny scenario in your head, and you think about it briefly before saying it.  I can't hear/imagine jokes, I'm too busy wondering what I should say.  I can't even think of something to say, because in my head it's going "FUCKFUCKFUCKDONTMESSUP".


Project, not get projected on. (Reality)

-Later

Edit: Note to self.  You don't ENJOY being social.  Enjoy it.  Be curious about people.  Talk for the sake of talking, not attraction.  Be passionate about pickup.  Persistance: blow out or blow job.  

My only issue is with my ego taking over.  I'll have reality shifts where everything I feel about the day before is completely erased, the motivation is sapped from me.  It's replaced by anxiety, doubt, fear.  Funny how 'the ego' is scared of 'the ego'.  As in, the thing I Identify with as 'I'.  I guess the only thing I can do about that is use EFT as a habit to dissassociate negative feelings, and replace them with neutral/positive ones.

Does anyone else have this 'situation'?  They feel really convinced, and then they wake up the next day and believe it's all bullshit.
__________________
"Happiness does not come from a vagina. It goes into one."-Utopia5
Login or register to post.
#98
UtopiaFive

UtopiaFive

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/16/2008 | Posts: 4960

EatmewhileImHOT wrote:

Edit: Note to self.  You don't ENJOY being social.  Enjoy it.  Be curious about people.  Talk for the sake of talking, not attraction.  Be passionate about pickup.  Persistance: blow out or blow job.  

My only issue is with my ego taking over.  I'll have reality shifts where everything I feel about the day before is completely erased, the motivation is sapped from me.  It's replaced by anxiety, doubt, fear.  Funny how 'the ego' is scared of 'the ego'.  As in, the thing I Identify with as 'I'.  I guess the only thing I can do about that is use EFT as a habit to dissassociate negative feelings, and replace them with neutral/positive ones.

Does anyone else have this 'situation'?  They feel really convinced, and then they wake up the next day and believe it's all bullshit.

Yeah, I so feel this.  Its like...you find evidence that you're the man, and then you're stuck later, because you want to keep being the man but at the same time you're afraid of finding evidence contrary to your being the man.  I guess a thought (for myself, maybe for you too?) is to realize "You weren't the man before you got laid, you didn't become the man after you got laid, and you're not going to cease being the man if you do something that appears retarded...you're just a guy, like you always were, and always will be."  Not identifying with great accomplishments or even great emotions, just realizing that "these are things that happened and will continue to happen through me." 

Oh yeah, and I also find that I really do want to "capture a girl and pull her into my lair and play with her there but never come out."  I've recently realized (Well...I've known it forever, its just come out in my conscious mind and attention lately...) that I am not a *social person*, I just happen to *act social* when I am out in social situations.  If I'm walking around during the day, I'm perfectly happy just reading, eating, and practicing jiu jitsu, without saying hi and being friendly to everyone I see.  I dunno if this is a *bad* thing, but I bet if I did enjoy that socialness and all, I'd be able to *be myself* more consistently. 
Login or register to post.
#99
EatmewhileImHOT

EatmewhileImHOT

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/17/2009 | Posts: 330

Spot on.  Afraid to have others tell me I'm not 'that guy' I want to be.  Why?  Because I'm still caught up in stupid as fuck habits.  There is this fear that other people know what I am, more than I do.  Which is why you feel great when you get feedback on the outside, and it reflects on the inside.  Then you get shit on the outside and it reflects inside.  It's lame.  Yeah dude, I'm the same way.  When it's time to be social man I can be social man.  When I'm walking around, it almost seems like a stretch to be social with someone.  But when I'm in "Lets get this handled, skillset mode" I do fine.  Definite key in my early stroke of success/attraction/unstifled ness.  The first time I hit state was when I enjoyed being social. 


The white girls receptive, great. Asian girl gives me this bitchy stare.
"I came around here to make fun of some of my ex friends who graduated"
White girl smiles, says something about that not being nice.
I realized now that the girl I wrote about the asian girl that gave the bitchy stare is the cutest asian in the school.  If I had the balls to approach once, I can do it again.  There is just something about getting shot down by a hot girl that seems so terrifying.  As if because she's a hot girl and says it, all hot girls will react that way.  

Today was exam day.  A little too overly sexual conversation with party girl and her best friend.  Not creeping out, but I need to talk about something other than sex.  It's like recycling the same threads.  The girl I opened wayyy back came up behind me and grabbed me.  I turned around and she was there with another girl, a 6.5.  Turns out it's her sister.  She's cute, but not that cute.  Like, Y/n?  No.  Maybe I have my standards too high.  This was my shot at convo skill building.  Since I had my back turned on the other two girls, (partygirl+friend), they started throwing shit at me to get my attention.  I probably should've merged.  Got to start introducing people to people, it's called "Networking".  Haha.

Oops.  I gave a speech on social conditioning to my third period today.  I think it clicked for like a second, and then the lightbulb went out.  The teacher recognized it though. 

Blah blah blah, social juices flowing;  Since I'm actually 'trying' again, I notice shit tests once more.  Ones like half k telling me about dudes that call her/want her number/want to hook up.  I tell her she should hook up with them.  The cute blonde girl in fifth that I'm teasing in spanish, responds back with. "Tu es muy feo".  I act like I don't hear it. (You are very ugly.)  

Finish other exam, stay after.  I open a three set, asking them if they know a guy named xyz.  They say no.  I tell them they should beat him up, if they see him.  I introduce myself, and it turns out one of them is the same girl from the library two weeks ago.  Man, I hate hearing "I've already met you!".  I ejected, not because I had to but because I was getting afraid of running out of shit to say.  I see a cute girl alone, and I don't approach.  Chode.  Blow out or blowjob.  There's always the "I should", and then the 'but I don't have xyz!".

So people know me.  I can hangout with people.  I have a selection of girls I can pursue.  But the identity just isn't there.

I'm going to post a half time report, with a summary of all the shit I've done that I never would have done last year with pictures.  (Censored, of course.)

Got to stay in set.  I'm going to start more of the good ol' trust test.  Commit to it, and do it.


and guys, reading FR's is fun and all, but hanging around in the main forum is a waste of time unless theres a dude that's well known for his advice posting.  My .02
__________________
"Happiness does not come from a vagina. It goes into one."-Utopia5
Login or register to post.
EatmewhileImHOT

EatmewhileImHOT

Respected Member

Join Date: 07/17/2009 | Posts: 330

Damn, I forgot what it's like to go out with no sleep.  I hit exams, hard. 

Today was pretty much a mix of
Exams
Walk up to girls and make fun of them. (Not opening, but making fun).  I ran around the hallways singing "IM A CHODE, IM A CHOOOOOOOODE."  Behind the d-bag nailing the hottest girl in school.  I'm not sure if he noticed.  Doesn't matter.  The whole 'self amusement' shit I was doing two months ago wasn't self amusement.  it was comfort zone busting.  Running around doing something weird you WANT to do is self amusement.  

In social circles, it's hard to do up front ballsy kino.  Alot of the fun, really sexual things you could do have to be cut out. Anyway:  It's my goal to stay in set as long as possible, even if spouting bullshit.  So I did just that.  I can't remember what all happened, between me having fun vibe times and watching coach carter.  I don't include half the conversations between me and girls/dudes, for two reasons.  One, their numerous.  Two, I don't remember what I said.





Coach carter gives off a great example of BR/a "dont fuck with me" vibe.  Being completely unreactive, it's almost inspiring.  Fifth was all weird.  The girl that normally gives off such a bitchy tone/etc. comes up to me and start singing.  What do you say to that?  I guess that's how others feel, when I run up to them singing the latest '50.  Me and half k get into a licorice fight, while everyone else just sits around and mutters how bored they are.  It's weird, I can 'feel' a status difference.  But it's all in my head.  I see the dudes who I 'feel' are higher status, and I don't see shit in them.  Their all chodes, they are stifled as fuck, and don't have fun at all.  They qualify qualify qualify, their unconfident.  I've yet to meet a 'real natural'.  It's weird to explain 'feeling' others are high status.  It's just something you 'feel you know'.  I'm not in those social circles, for a couple reasons.  One, I'm not too calibrated socially.  I like to say what the fuck I want, when I want.  Mix that with ADD, it's killer.  They want to sit around and dick about how big their cars are.  Or say stupid shit like "MUH BRAIN", and then snigger at it like it's a re-run of chris rock.  I've learned you can get away with alot of shit, though.  When you step up, and say something that the whole class laughs at, one of them will pipe up and say "thats not funny!".  Tools, oh well.  When you say something weird/stupid, or a joke that doesn't hit, their the FIRST to criticize you in front of others.  Definite cut throat.




None of the dudes I see the hotties with look like their having fun.  They all look bored/uninterested. 
Anyway, alot of my lunch table is dissapearing.  I get 'weird' not conversation mode, I sabotage myself when I get to lunch.  That's why;  I was the 'warm end of the pool', and then the pool went cold.  People migrated elsewhere.  Value, baby.  

I went into fourth to finish up exams.  The cute new girl is there, and I'm flirting with her.  I pushed her up against the wall, when she hit me.  (Playfully).  Sexual fun shit.  Was in front of the whole class though, so I had to turn it into playful, and push her again.  It's kind of like...-give attention-
-give attention- laugh -take attention away, go do something else- -give attention-.  and then funny shit just starts pouring out of my mouth.  I don't know where it comes from, it's not me.  
Read some tolle bro.  The whole part of 'you aren't anything', finding out who you are chapter got me into indifference mode.  aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back at doing shit I want to do, regardless of outcome.  I don't normally talk to the serious spanish cutie, but I felt in for it.  We have a 40 sec conversation about me being a envior-o nut.  Own what you love.

Club afterschool, fun times with half-k.  Some chode yells "PDA, QUIT JERKING HIM OFF."  That was hilarious.  I say outloud, "someone doesn't get laid." 


Played a fun game of dickhold chicken today.  That's the new shit for getting some state out of nothing.  Seriously.

Met a fattie.  END.

half time report tomm. 

later
__________________
"Happiness does not come from a vagina. It goes into one."-Utopia5
Login or register to post.