THE FORUMS

December 9th, 2016
MEGAPOST: Happiness is your default state
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Hamlet

Hamlet

Respected Member

Join Date: 12/08/2008 | Posts: 589

Lately, the Universe has for some reason decided to absolutely FLOOD me with long-awaited insights and reference experiences. It’s crazy. For so many years I’ve been searching for epiphanies. Now they’re raining down on me, to the point we’re I’m having SEVERAL mindblowing aha-moments EVERY DAY. I thought about waiting a few months to post this, but since I’m feeling it so strongly now, I’ll make this more like a snapshot of my mind right now, in the process of gaining insight. Besides, hammering it all out will help me make sense of my ideas and internalise them.

This post is about Presence, like most of my writing. I know large parts of this forum aren’t really into “faggotry” but I think this post might help clear up some misconceptions about “being in the Now” versus “taking action”.

So here’s the story:

A little more than a week ago I was watching the Blueprint. In one of the last DVDs, Tyler says: “Happiness is your default state.” No need to go into too much detail, but suffice to say that after having heard this statement, and slight variations of it, about ten thousand times or so, it FINALLY made sense to me.

I suppose the best way to put it would be to say that previously, I had been GRASPING for Presence – thinking that I had to be super alert, super aware, super vigilant of my ego. Tyler’s words made me understand that Presence is default. No need to grasp after it. Just don’t add shit on top. Words cannot capture the subtlety of this shift and I’m not going to try to explain why I was able to internalise the truth this time and not the previous ten thousand times. Spiritual insight is unpredictable and inexplicable like that.

After spending a weekend with my grandparents at a chateau by a lake in the middle of Sweden – where the silence and serenity around me seemed to suck all compulsive thinking and stress out of my body – I returned to Stockholm and thought: “Cool, I’m gonna see how chicks respond to me when I’m in this peaceful state.” I was waiting for the subway and saw a pretty cute girl on the platform. Despite my state of presence, I felt a hint of approach anxiety. I hesitated for a moment and didn’t approach. Then something odd happened. I literally FELT my brain standing at a crossroads between two emotional states. My mind was trying to decide whether to feel guilt over having choded out of the approach, or whether to return to the default chill and happy state I had been enjoying up to that point. Feeling that I had a CHOICE here between guilt and happiness was truly mindboggling. In the end I approached but the realisation put me too far inside my head and I was blown out.

A string of questions began rushing through my mind: "If I could chode out of an approach and still CHOOSE to be perfectly happy…. Was this a good thing? Did I really want that kind of happiness? I could be a chode for the rest of my life, and be a HAPPY chode. But… no, that doesn’t make sense. I’m doing this success with women thing to enrich my life and find core confidence and overcome ego and find true happiness. I have to constantly push myself out of my comfort zone, right? I mean if happiness is a simple CHOICE that doesn’t require going through fire and brimstone…. Then why go through all that shit in the first place?"

Previously, I had always seen the intense guilt and self-loathing that came from failing to meet my goals as a GOOD thing. Those feelings knocked me back onto my path. If I wasn’t living true to my purpose, then I WANTED to feel like shit. But the experience in the subway made me realise that, at least for me, this is the wrong way to think about purpose and being who you're meant to be. What I hadn’t realised was that in my years of studying pickup with the aim of achieving core confidence, I had become a VALUE TAKER because I saw every interaction as a stepping stone to that FUTURE self where I could be a real man, full of purpose and sex-worthiness and Presence and other cool stuff. The woman in front of me was reduced to a necessary reference experience for my mind to get an inch closer to the Holy Grail of Core Confidence. I now understand that in the same way that women shouldn’t be reduced to meatsocks for us to stick our bizkits in, they shouldn’t be reduced to a reference experience for us to build our confidence (or any other "addition" to our Self). Fuck this “getting it handled” and “being successful with women” mindset. It’s not about a SKILLSET guys! It’s NOT. It’s just about THIS GIRL right in front of you and the fun you can have together. Craving an infinite stream of reference experiences to validate your skills with women is what Tyler refers to as being “lost at sea”. I was lost at sea for three years.

Reading Alexander’s~ 28 points, Point 19 caught my attention and reinforced this idea that I shouldn’t be looking to enhance my skills: “It is impossible to become a guy who is good with girls. Although the allure of the community advertises that you can ‘become a pimp with women’ and you will be able to ‘fuck 10’s’ it is wrong to say that you will ever be a guy who is good with girls.” Although Alex talks about this in a slightly different context (continuously taking action vs. resting on your laurels) I interpreted it as: “There is no POINT in striving to get good with women other than the reward of being able to enjoy women”. Until that experience in the subway, I had subconsciously thought that I FIRST had to get good with women in order to THEN begin to chill out and enjoy them and get sex and a life of abundance and other cool stuff. No no no no no no no no.

You don’t need to be good with women in order to enjoy women!

Think about this. You don’t have to be Casanova in order to enjoy women’s company. Loving women and appreciating them comes FIRST. This cannot be learned through the game. It must come from your core and from being present in the interaction so that you are actually attentive to all the adorable little things that girls do. If you think: “The better I get at pickup, the more I’ll be able to appreciate women” you’re coming at it from the wrong headspace. This is bringing FUTURE into your interaction. This makes her a stepping stone. Instead, think: “The more I appreciate women, the better I’ll get at pickup.” This mindset makes you PRESENT in the interaction since you can only appreciate the girl right here, right now. This keeps you in your default state of happiness and doesn’t add baggage and the need to achieve something in the future.

To come full circle, when I realised in the subway that I could chode out of an approach and still feel happy, I also realised that the ONLY reason I would want to approach a woman in the first place is to experience more fun and excitement than I would have if I didn’t approach her. Hahaha, this idea is so simple that it’s retarded. Let me repeat that:

The only reason I would ever approach a woman is that it would be more fun for me than NOT approaching.

That’s it. I’m not approaching because “I should overcome my sticking points” or “I need to do more daytime sets” or “I need to work on escalating” or “I need to try out new openers” or “I need to learn state control” or some other conceptual crap. No. I’m only approaching because I want to have fun and she’s hot and has soft lips and seductive eyes and I’m curious. That’s it. Since happiness is my default state, all gamey concepts that might make me slightly sharper in field are like icing on the cake! I don’t need to be successful with women to be happy. I don’t. So why feel guilty if I succumb to AA? It doesn’t make me a chode, a loser, a fag, or anything else. It just means I let slip an opportunity to have more fun. Next time, I’ll choose to approach despite the fear, because it’s FUN! The fear ADDS to the excitement! It’s like going on a roller coaster. A roller coaster that had zero effect on your emotions would be a pretty crappy roller coaster. Same with girls. If she can’t make me FEEL ALIVE then I might as well keep listening to my iPod and ignore her. Facing fear because it’s PART of the adventure is FUNDAMENTALLY different from saying “I should overcome my fears in order to get better with women.” Here, you’re introducing an empty concept: “women”. Who is “women”? When will you ever talk to or sleep with “women”? You can’t. “Women” consists of every individual woman on this planet. You can never be good with “women” because it’s an immaterial concept that doesn’t exist. It’s just a word. By contrast, each individual woman in flesh and blood that stands before you is a physical form put on this Earth for your pleasure and amusement and you CAN talk to her and even sleep with her if you so desire. Doing so, however, is simply an adventure. It adds to the richness of life, but it doesn’t change your fundamental state of happiness. Nor will the REMOVAL of sex or women or anything else change your fundamental state of happiness. Since I got back to town five days ago I’ve been out three nights and I’ve slept with two women. Girls number close me and call me up. They want to hang out. Even though I’ve never had this kind of leap in my game before I don’t FEEL any better at picking up chicks. I have to look at the statistics and rub my eyes and go: “is this just a coincidence or am I really this good?” Interestingly, despite the recent spike in my success I'm actually NOT craving reference experiences to confirm this identity. I'm not hitting the field 6-7 nights a week like I used to back in the spring. The internal shift came during a weekend retreat with my grandparents! It wasn't created in the field (although field experience brought me up to the point where I was READY to accept the shift). Therefore I'm not desperately trying to confirm that I'm now at this new level.

Truth be told, this isn't the first time I've had this click. I had this click a few months ago, but in a sense it was too good to be true so I let it slip. Back then the trigger wasn't “happiness is your default state” but the closely related “nothing can be added to the self” and “life is just a play with forms”. I wrote about this here: www.rsdnation.com/node/120472. That sweet feeling, VERY similar to my current one, died out after a few days because I began to get anxious that I was ignoring a lot of my goals. The happiness had led me to stop pushing myself as hard in field, at the gym, etc. I didn’t have that FURY – that NEED – to get better. I was quite content being who I was, but my mind at the time took this as a sign of lethargy and decided that I’d rather be pursuing my goals with slight feelings of frustration and outcome dependence than not having any goals and being completely content with mediocrity. I thought: “Whatever happiness I’m feeling right now is sure to deteriorate if I don’t keep pushing myself relentlessly.” I actually made an unconscious choice back then to STOP being happy and START feeling that life was short and I had so much to ACHIEVE during my time on this Earth.

Well here’s what I have to say about that. FUCK GOALS. Fuck em.

You’re probably shaking your head right now thinking Hamlet is tripping. The idea that we don’t need goals seems crazy – right back to the “faggotry” that separates RSD from Eckhart Tolle. You're probably thinking something along the lines of: "Goals are good. Life is about development, about improving yourself, about fulfilling your human potential. You can’t just say “fuck goals” and then sit on your ass all day!"

You’re partly right. I’m not saying “fuck goals” only to sit on your ass all day. That would be BORING! I’m saying “fuck goals” and then GO OUT AND HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE! After all, isn’t THAT what life is about, ultimately? You see, when you say that life is about self-development – that’s stopping short of the ultimate goal, which is to EXPERIENCE life. Guys this is fucking huge. This is SO huge. The reason you exist in this world is not so that you can develop/evolve/achieve/be a better self. No. The reason you exist is so that you may ENJOY the play with forms that constitute the material world around you. Development, core confidence, reaching your potential, are NOT end goals. They are a means to creating a richer life experience! Confidence is useless unless you APPLY it in your life to have bigger adventures! It all comes back to your subjective experience. Not some concept that you carry around, such as "pimp" or "confident" or even "happy" (in its conceptual form). It's all about the concept-free experience.

What I think separates RSD from Eckhart Tolle has nothing to do with self-development. Rather, I think Tolle focuses on transcending ego through COMPLETE detachment to worldly things and accessing the Unmanifest, whereas RSD has chosen a path towards presence that doesn’t leave the manifest world behind. Rather, it PLAYS with the world of form (women). If the point of existence was to return to the Unmanifested from whence we came, why would we have left it in the first place? We wouldn’t. We have only left the Unmanifested because there’s something we are meant to do in the manifest world. And the reason we are here is simple: TO HAVE FUN! That’s it. Life is a gift and we don't realise it! It’s like leaving the house to go outside on a sunny day. Sure, we may feel blissfully at peace in the comfort of our homes but we WANT the range of experiences that the manifest world has to offer. If life is a play with form, then the world is like a giant playground. Each form was put there for your amusement. Each woman you happen to come across on your journey is like a new attraction in the theme park of your life. And you happen to be carrying an all-day-pass.

Don’t make your goals about skills, confidence, mindsets, or some other projection of a future you which is better and more complete than the current one. Above all, don’t make goals about “proving that I can set goals and achieve them”. I had this mindset about pickup for years. I thought: “If I give up on this, I’m likely to give up on everything else in life.” Sounds like good self-development advice but it’s been bullshit for me and the cause of a huge success barrier. It created a filter between me and the girls I was interacting with. I didn't see them, but I saw "progress towards my goal". Instead of aiming towards FUTURE, direct your purpose towards the present moment. Your “goals” should be about adventure, fun, woo, excitement, pure awesomeness! Not something you need to ADD to yourself. Just an experience. You don’t go to the cinema because you feel like a more complete human being after watching a 2-hour Hollywood movie. No, you go to enjoy yourself. Approach women with the same mindset. The same thing goes for travelling, which is another favourite RSD subject. Travelling IN ORDER to make yourself more confident is crazy. Travelling should be its own reward! It’s the experiences you have along the way that count! For fuck’s sake, when you’re backpacking around Asia on your own, don’t let your mind wander off into thoughts of “being a more centred person after all this is over”. Shut OFF the mental self-improvement chatter and LOOK around you! Being a centred person is fucking useless unless you’re actually able to engage with the world. Whatever increase in confidence that happens to come along with your six-month backpacking experience is all fine and dandy, but it’s not the POINT. The point is the experience itself.

Don’t be yourself. Don’t be your best self. FORGET THE SELF. It’s there, and it can’t be changed or improved. Stop worrying about the self and look AROUND! Live!

Ultimately, as I grow older I imagine I’ll begin to see things more and more like Tolle. I’ll reach a point where I feel like new experiences don’t really add that much to my life. I’ll have done SO much – I’ll have been on SO many rides in my theme park that I’m starting to get a little tired of it all and turning my thoughts towards home – the Unmanifested. This is like welcoming death. The day I die it’ll be almost by choice. No regrets. No feelings of: “Crap, there was so much left to discover.” And above all, there will be no feelings of: “Crap, I tried so hard to BECOME someone that I forgot to just BE.”

I want to round off with one more point. When you first realise that happiness is a default state/nothing can be added to the self, a few things are likely to happen. I already mentioned how a couple of months ago I began falling short of my goals and not really caring about self-improvement because I didn’t need goals to be happy. Rather than panicking at this point (like I did the first time around), realise that this is PART of a necessary process as you detach your goals from previously held ideas about the need for abstract self-development and then begin to REATTACH those goals to the desire for fun experiences in the physical world (your playground). Don’t worry if you’re not hitting the gym with the same diligence for a few weeks, or if you’re not cold approaching as much, or if other activities in your life seem irrelevant. Your ego will sound off the alarms and say: "Who will I BE without these things?" Ignore these thoughts for now. You can bring back the purpose and intent later, as PART of the play with form. So the fury with which you’re pumping iron at the gym will no longer be connected to the need for a perfect body. Rather, you’ll be pumping for the awesome feeling of power that comes with pushing yourself to your physical limits, releasing adrenaline and testosterone, and that nice tingle in your muscles as you walk home after an intense workout. If you do care about your physical appearence, it’s WITHIN the realm of playing with form. It’s just another play you’ve chosen to engage in. No self-seeking involved. Just playing with your physical shape. Experimenting. Discovering. You may find initially that you don’t have the willpower to push yourself as hard in the field or at the gym as when you were self-seeking through it. When there is no egoic need to “become” something, your intent sort of falls away. Don’t worry. It’ll come back if you focus your attention on what you’re doing. You’ve detached intent from FUTURE and you’re slowly bringing it into the NOW. When I was doing day game around Stockholm yesterday I was quietly giving off little grunts of delight when I saw hot girls in my vicinity. I’m starting to understand Tim’s “this is for me”-mindset. This intent is not forced. It’s from the core. All I have to do is look at a girl and I’ll be slightly aroused (Thanks to Android for a helpful PM about mixing in sexual energy with presence). And it all comes back to "happiness is your default state". I'll never crash from a rejection because I can only fall back to happiness. I'll never feel deflated if a girl doesn't want to have sex with me because the worst that can happen is that I still feel happy. Neediness evaporates. I'm starting to see the light.
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#1

DerDomi®

Senior Member

Join Date: 05/01/2008 | Posts: 195

only read the first paragraph, because I need to rush, but this smells like a home run. I have some very similar attitudes about making progress, Ill definitely read that post thoroughly when I'm back.
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#2
Paris Boum Boum

Paris Boum Boum

Trusted Member

Join Date: 04/02/2009 | Posts: 2948

WOW, huge post Hamlet. This is what I keep from your post:


-Fuck this “getting it handled” and
“being successful with women” mindset. It’s not about a SKILLSET guys!
It’s NOT. It’s just about THIS GIRL right in front of you and the fun
you can have together.



-You don’t need to be good with women in order to enjoy women! If you
think: “The better I get at pickup, the more I’ll be able to appreciate
women” you’re coming at it from the wrong headspace. This is bringing
FUTURE into your interaction. This makes her a stepping stone. Instead,
think: “The more I appreciate women, the better I’ll get at pickup.” This
mindset makes you PRESENT in the interaction since you can only
appreciate the girl right here, right now. This keeps you in your
default state of happiness and doesn’t add baggage and the need to
achieve something in the future. 



-The only reason I would ever approach a woman is that it would be more fun for me than NOT approaching.
 
-I don’t need to be successful with
women to be happy.

-Each individual woman in flesh and blood
that stands before you is a physical form put on this Earth for your
pleasure and amusement and you CAN talk to her and even sleep with her
if you so desire. Doing so, however, is simply an adventure. It adds to
the richness of life, but it doesn’t change your fundamental state of
happiness. Nor will the REMOVAL of sex or women or anything else change
your fundamental state of happiness.

-Well here’s what I have to say about that. FUCK GOALS. Fuck em.



-The
reason you exist in this world is not so that you can
develop/evolve/achieve/be a better self. No. The reason you exist is so that you may ENJOY the play with forms that constitute the material world around you. 

-Development,
core confidence, reaching your potential, are NOT end goals. They are a
means to creating a richer life experience! Confidence is useless
unless you APPLY it in your life to have bigger adventures! It all
comes back to your subjective experience

-If life is a play with form, then the world is like a giant
playground. Each form was put there for your amusement. Each woman you
happen to come across on your journey is like a new attraction in the
theme park of your life. And you happen to be carrying an all-day-pass.


-Don’t make your goals about skills, confidence, mindsets, or some other
projection of a future you which is better and more complete than the
current one. Your “goals”
should be about adventure, fun, woo, excitement, pure awesomeness! Not
something you need to ADD to yourself. Just an experience. You don’t go
to the cinema because you feel like a more complete human being after
watching a 2-hour Hollywood movie. No, you go to enjoy yourself.
Approach women with the same mindset.

-The same thing goes for
travelling, which is another favourite RSD subject. Travelling IN ORDER
to make yourself more confident is crazy. Travelling should be its own
reward! It’s the experiences you have along the way that count! For
fuck’s sake, when you’re backpacking around Asia on your own, don’t let
your mind wander off into thoughts of “being a more centred person
after all this is over”. Shut OFF the mental self-improvement chatter
and LOOK around you! Being a centred person is fucking useless unless
you’re actually able to engage with the world. Whatever increase in
confidence that happens to come along with your six-month backpacking
experience is all fine and dandy, but it’s not the POINT. The point is
the experience itself.


-Don’t be yourself. Don’t be your best self. FORGET THE SELF. It’s there, and it can’t be changed or improved. Stop worrying about the self and look AROUND! Live!



-Don’t worry if you’re not hitting
the gym with the same diligence for a few weeks, or if you’re not cold
approaching as much, or if other activities in your life seem
irrelevant. Your ego will sound off the alarms and say: "Who will I
BE without these things?" Ignore these thoughts for now. You can bring
back the purpose and intent later, as PART of the play with form. So
the fury with which you’re pumping iron at the gym will no longer be
connected to the need for a perfect body. Rather, you’ll be pumping for
the awesome feeling of power that comes with pushing yourself to your
physical limits, releasing adrenaline and testosterone, and that nice
tingle in your muscles as you walk home after an intense workout. If
you do care about your physical appearence, it’s WITHIN the realm of
playing with form. It’s just another play you’ve chosen to engage in.
No self-seeking involved. Just playing with your physical shape.
Experimenting. Discovering. You may find initially that you don’t have
the willpower to push yourself as hard in the field or at the gym as
when you were self-seeking through it. When there is no egoic need to
“become” something, your intent sort of falls away. Don’t worry. It’ll
come back if you focus your attention on what you’re doing. You’ve
detached intent from FUTURE and you’re slowly bringing it into the NOW. 


Cool post man. 
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#3
Hamlet

Hamlet

Respected Member

Join Date: 12/08/2008 | Posts: 589

 Hahaha, thanks for the "summary" dude. Perhaps try relating some of the stuff I wrote to your own life? I find this makes concepts click. When you actually STOP to consider how this applies to you.
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#4
Hamlet

Hamlet

Respected Member

Join Date: 12/08/2008 | Posts: 589

thisguy wrote:
This is quite funny... I realized there are some women I only  socialize with for "improving" even though I really didn't think about why I wanted to. I just did it because I could. I only really enjoy talking to the ones I'm genuinly interested in. AKA the hot ones, unless they got a shitty personality..

Yeah I don't really agree with doing "practice sets" that you're not actually attracted to. No core intent there. Just chit chatting away. And that's FINE so long as you're being honest with yourself that you're not attracted and not seeking anything sexual with them. When you're doing it to improve your skills, on the other hand, you're programming your brain to run game without intent. Bad bad bad programming.
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#5

DerDomi®

Senior Member

Join Date: 05/01/2008 | Posts: 195

wow, read it now, great article. I definitely incorporate the "I approach girls for practice"-mindset.  Thanks man, and check your PMs
Dom
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#6
SamtheGladiator

SamtheGladiator

Respected Member

Join Date: 01/27/2009 | Posts: 326

 WOW. Most insightful thing I've ever read on this forum. Thanks. 
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#7
JFM

JFM

Trusted Member

Join Date: 12/13/2007 | Posts: 2236

What a great post.   I'm putting it out  there that you don't WAIT to post your progress.   It's valuable to put a window on it and give people  what you've got.   It' doesn't have to be right...it's your process and only yours.    But what's personal is universal and a ton of great stuff is obviously coming into your world.  Thanks.

This is coming from a guy who didn't know what the hell to do with Tolle...and you're really answering that question.  
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#8
Royal Ace

Royal Ace

Senior Member

Join Date: 06/03/2008 | Posts: 173

what a GEM!

respect hamlet, liked this a lot
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"No compass comes with this life, just eyes
So to map it out, you must look inside
Sure books can guide you, but your heart defines you"
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#9
Calavera

Calavera

Respected Member

Join Date: 08/02/2007 | Posts: 719

HAHHA, yes. This is what I excatly was trying to capture in this post:
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/126702

I only approach because I WANT TO! More fun for me to approach rather then sit still. I think initially yuo need that future orientation, to 'approach' girls and focus on them--but people KEEP DOING THAT, then get 'lost at sea,' as tyler said it. SOMETIMES I won't approach at bars, PUA's will be like "CALAVERA, WTF? He is experiencing AA," NO! I just don't feel like it at this moment, when I do I'm confident i'll get the girl because of reference experiences (identity level change has occured.)

Calavera
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Representing RSD in Toronto.

"You do this for LOVE. Not because there's somethin missing in your life that you think it will fulfill."-Owen

"They say love is in the air, so I hold my breath till I turn purple. Keep a few bad bitches in my circle."

My field reports:
http://www.rsdnation.com/node/137773
(practice offering value.. drop a comment!)
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#10

xJudgex

Member

Join Date: 09/11/2008 | Posts: 60

This totally hit home with me. I use to run around just talking to women for the sake of "improving my 1337 skillz!" but i finally realized i was not being authentic and when i actually felt an intent towards a certain women i would approach and just enjoy the moment for what it was that's when i started to really see results. Thanks again for the post.
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