THE FORUMS

July 29th, 2014
Important Question: How Do You Actually Stop Seeking (External) Validation
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Discipline

Senior Member

Join Date: 01/04/2009 | Posts: 170

Hey all,
I see that there are a lot topics about ego, state, external validation etc etc. But one question, which is very important in my opinion, is still unanswered. A lot of the conclusions here on this forum are like "just stop seeking approval man" "you got to actively stop looking for external validation". This is often not that easy. Seeking validation often is subconsious behaviour.

So,

How Do You Actually Stop Seeking (External) Validation?
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#1
El Fuerte

El Fuerte

Member

Join Date: 04/06/2009 | Posts: 36

When you truly accept yourself for who you are now, and have the humility and desire to improve and become your better self.

That should be enough.

It's valuing your opinion about yourself (which you hold highly - which comes through putting your ass on the line every second of your life - )more than anyone else's.
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I AM forever...
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#2
Eunoia~

Eunoia~

Trusted Member

Join Date: 02/11/2008 | Posts: 1126

Why are you seeking rapport or comfort or good reactions..............................

It all leads to one thing THE SOURCE.

The source is where all the problems are stemming from and SEEKS to have more confort and put it's unease at rest.................

If you truly find out why you are seeking validation, like oh something happened to me at school or whatever then you can undo it accept it fix it and learn, Instead of DISTRACTING yourself from the anciness one feels, or seeking validation to fill up that DOUBT one has inside of himself.......

Or maybe he/she thinks there the shit, gods gift but they will constantly be wanting reference experience for that and if they don't get it oh boy! total meltdown of identiy and the house of card crumbles...........................

Find Identify the source.......................... Find out what's causing the insecurness or overwealming dilussional confidence..................

Than accept it............................There will no longer be any lack,,,,,,, One stops being lazy and then takes right action gradually building his own self worth from inside not from what shoes he wears or anything external.......Because anything external you can't control, therefore the such dynamic will fuck up your state, better stradegy keep your state coming from within...............
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Been going out since 2007, 5 times per week. Did 180 day solo challenge after Ozzie bootcamp. 2008 Field Reports (Re-edited!) Eunoia's Memories
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#3
De Reet Sap Rammer aka De Reet Thalys met 1986 kpu

De Reet Sap Ram...

Trusted Member

Join Date: 01/04/2008 | Posts: 1267

What are you goals when you go out?

First of all: just wondering: Are you ACTUALLY considering pulling tonight? or is that just some vague "yeah one day i'll be good enough" kinda thing?
Because if you're not ACTUALLY wanting to get the girl and get her home then you're lying to yourself and to her. 
Because if you wanna talk to her, but don't actually want her for her uniqueness and don't see her as a real person, then what are you doing it for??

Well, in that case, you're just doing it to get a good reaction that tells you "im good enough" (to get girls like her, to get hot girls, etc)...

Get it?

You're just approaching to see if you're "good enough" to get girls LIKE her; but you don't actually want HER. You just want her reaction; to show you where on the pickup-ladder of skills you find yourself.

Even if you get them, you STILL don't want them so you go to the NEXT set and see if you "really still got it."  That is validation seeking. Personally I've had nights where I'd get 20 good reactions from hot girls, and it still wouldn't be enough. it's NEVER enough. It's EGO.

So part 1: REALLY WANT HER.

Part 2: Be real; as in you have to see her as a real person; not a  "hot girl"; a puppet. You have to want her body, but you realize that there is a PERSON there.

Part 3: (Crucial) is the following:

When you decide "she's hot" and you make the approach and whether you say  "Hey my name is Tim" or  "Who lies more men or women?" and you EXPECT them to say  "Oh hi! My name is ___ " or  "Uh, women!" and be all excited and have a GOOD reaction to you, then you are LOOKING FOR APPROVAL. You are looking for them to LIKE you.

This does NOT mean that you should expect a BAD reaction; No; because you're STILL expecting something.

You should go up; and just be REALLY truthful to people. And IF they react badly, or not react at all: then YOU DONT FEEL ANY DIFFERENT.

Realize: THE REACTION ISNT GONNA GET YOU LAID. Just because everybody loves you, does NOT mean they actually WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU. A good reaction (and a bad one too) does NOT
MEAN ANYTHING. When guys start this shit they have this huge gaping hole of lack of self-worth which they gotta fill up with  "good reactions from hot girls " so they feel worthy; to make up for lost times...
Well this isn't bad, and I went through it too...but you GOTTA realize that you're doing it. More-over: you will keep having this no matter how advanced you are; because you will still subconciously want people to show you how advanced you really are. Realize that you're doing it.

That's enough: Realize that you're doing it.

Moreover; listen or read to  A New Earth by Tolle.
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#4
Dick Gallo

Dick Gallo

Trusted Member

Join Date: 08/13/2008 | Posts: 1947

Stranger Lover wrote:
When you truly accept yourself for who you are now, and have the humility and desire to improve and become your better self.

That should be enough.

It's valuing your opinion about yourself (which you hold highly - which comes through putting your ass on the line every second of your life - )more than anyone else's.
If you accept yourself for who you are, then improving yourself would negate that acceptance.

I've seen this before, and it has never made sense to me.

If I accept myself, then why do I need girls, friends, self improvement, etc?
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Sales Manager: You have no previous sales experience, I don't think you can handle rejection.
BonoboTimes: Your right, I don't. However, I've been fucking models since I was 17. I've dealt with being called ugly, stupid, gay, creep, asshole, and a bunch of other shit. Been told to go away, don't talk to me, go fuck yourself, and I'm not interested by over three thousand women and groups of people. I can handle rejection better than anyone on this lot if not city. Not only that, I never leave. I will follow the customer across the fucking street if I have to. I simply do not give a fuck. I close.

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Bonah Jamz 2010~
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#5
AssDriller~

AssDriller~

Senior Member

Join Date: 11/12/2006 | Posts: 208

You realised its there, thats the first step. Now you just need time!
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PRESENCE
POSITIVE DOMINANCE     =     WHO YOU ARE   =  MAN
MAN OF ACTION
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#6
HEAT et Veritas

HEAT et Veritas

Senior Member

Join Date: 12/13/2008 | Posts: 124

Take a deep breath. Slow down and center yourself.

Your cool when your not trying to be cool. Expression not Impression sums it up nicely.
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when i raise my flashing sword and my hand takes hold on judgement. i will take vengence upon mine enemies. O lord, raise me to thy right hand and count me among thy saints.
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#7
Gunner

Gunner

Trusted Member

Join Date: 09/27/2006 | Posts: 1021

http://www.rsdnation.com/node/84623 Read that Steve
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Gunner is great. I'm not sure what he said, but it sounded cool.
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#8

Discipline

Senior Member

Join Date: 01/04/2009 | Posts: 170

Thanks for all the advises. Really guys. Thanks.
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