December 12th, 2018
The Catalyst
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Join Date: 08/06/2007 | Posts: 96

Tonight it rears its ugly head.

Shunned by friends, avoided by women, I come to one of those breaking points.  Those oh so familiar instances in your life where everything seems to disintigrate.  Where all of that bullshit you have built up around yourself crumbles, and you achieve clarity in the midst of chaos.

Objectively, it might not even be a huge deal.  So I'm not the most popular person at the party.  So women don't flock to me in droves, begging to commune with me in the ways of the flesh.  Not a big deal right?  We know that what matters comes from within.  This resonates on some level with all of us.  Yet, it sounds empty when one repeats it internally without being able to absorb it at the basic level.  When despite lofty affirmations of greatness, one goes home feeling like the biggest loser ever.

So you take comfort in your other trappings.  Maybe you're smart.  Maybe knowledge come to you so easily, that the fact that you are unable to relate to members of your own species well becomes not only sad but grotesquely funny.  And while you laugh at yourself, alone, others are outside enjoying themselves.

And you are left with that ugly-headed feeling.  Inadequicy.  It has driven man to accross continents and over oceans, to suicide and into space.  That smouldering inside of you, ignited earlier by some chance spark, that now burns at you.  And while you [I] cringe as it sears your soul, you stand in awe of it's amazing potential to erupt into an uncontrolled burn, leveling everything in it's path. Slowly you take comfort from that ugly heat, ever more so as you realize like some coked up arsonist that you control this power.

I'm sure everyone on here has had similar experiences.  Tonight, it becomes clear to me how dedicated I am to undergoing (social) transformation.  There is nothing that can stop me.  My progress may be slow due to some life choices that I'm making now (I'll spare the details/excueses for late,) but I take comfort in the fact that I will be victorious.

Get ready for Faust '09.
Philosophy have I digested,
The whole of Law and Medicine,
From each its secrets I have wrested,
Theology alas thrown in.
Poor fool, with all this sweated lore,
I stand no wiser than before.

In preparation for the summer of '09:

My Catalyst:

My Summer of '08:
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