Satisfaction: that means a lot to me man. I'll be in your debt. Helping my brother (like he helps me with other stuff) is something that is really important to me. Being his brother sometimes makes it hard, so I think it would also be good to just go out with you from time to time. Also because your teaching skills are improving I take it :) Yeah, he has your number.
As you may or may not know, I'm traveling the world right now, I'm a backpacker. Took some getting used to being alone. Gone out most days of the week. Only opened once. During the day I talked to people in my hostel, in shops and sometimes asked people on the streets for directions, etc. So not too succesful really. I had been practising getting into state from being totally out of state. I got pretty good at this, but not good enough to get my state up high enough to actually open.
Almost made out with some really hot french girl though. She was standing next to me all of a sudden. Escalation was smooth. But she wouldn't kiss me because of some chode friend who was looking and was all sad, that I took his girl.
Also had some fun nights with friends from the hostel, just talking. But in general I was kind of disappointed with my social skills up till that point. Got 'dissed' by some 19 year old guy infront of bunch of people. Had a bunch of awkward moments in groups where everyone would know each other and I'd be the odd one out. Things were about to start looking up though.
Yesterday, I, at long last, hit the same level as at, and shortly after bootcamp. It was crazy. The day before I had the revelation that there is no essence of pick up. I kept looking for that one thing that would make EVERYTHING work. Then it was avoidance (your head has a tendency to distract you from what MUST be done), then it was failing / getting rejected, then it was just chillin and not having to do ANYTHING, then it was feeling the physical body and ignoring thought. This would change form day to day! It was nuts! Everytime I thought I found THE secret. You'll always find proof for the other, because they're ALL true. Because I had been doing this though, I had intensely been working with each of these things at a time. A now, it was like I was firing on ALL cylinders.
So this night I got hit by state. I noticed it while I was checking into my hostel, as the girl checking me in couldn't seem to find her words and her voice was trembling at times (given; she was probably not super confident anyway, but when you're unreactive this sometimes happens to people (happens to ME sometimes :P)). I feel like I'm going nuts.. but it's state. I'm lonely so I want to go talk to the people in the common room, but fear prevents me from doing so. So I walk out the door and go looking for a bar or something. I become intrigued by this fear of mine.. this fear of sometimes mundane things. Lately already I've had the idea idea that fear must not be destroyed, but loved, cherished and approached with a lot of compassion. I am the FEAR, the fear is me, it is not alien to me. On the street I say hello to everyone... some girl comes up to me and asks me whether I want to buy their box of donuts for 10 bucks.. I reply that I wouldn't want them if they were free. I see a group of people.. they represent the fear, I can see the fear that they inspire in me, I walk over to investigate the fear and see her up close. I find myself talking to the group all of a sudden, who turn out to be a bunch of Russians. We're laughing and they're asking me where I'm from etc.
Get on a bus to the city centre, talk to some Japanese guy on the bus and as people overhear me talk to him, I'm quite soon talking to everyone on the entire bus. This Canadian guy escorts me to the going out place. I stop three girls, two of them turn out to be models. We have nice talk and at the end I give them a group hug after which they invite me to their model competition on wednesday.
They tell me where to go, turns out to be a strip club. I sit there for a while an ponder approval seeking. One of th strippers comes up to me and asks me how I'm doing. I launch into a long, yet really honesty story about how it's my best night yet. I can see she's slightly nervous as well as she fidles with some coasters in her hands. In the end she busts out the inevitable question of whether I want a lap dance, I politely decline. Some of the girls in there looked quite awesome, but I'd prefer my ex to all of them. It's so fucked up how their waists would be awesome and their figure in general, yet they'd have cellulite. I came to the conclsuion that if strippers have it, I should just learn to accept it as part of women.
Get myself into the club next door (for free! cuz I'm poor). That's where all fucking hell breaks lose. I thik I must've opened around 30 sets throughout the whole night. I did some fucking AWESOME dancing. I did not GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!! At the beginning I could feel a few remnands of approval seeking during the first few sets, so I just locate and love the fear.. then go to face it as I go up to two girls and tell them that I shave my arm pits. Great set btw, one girl loved me. Verbal approval seeking is gone. There's still some physical approval seeking though. Go up to the best looking black girl in the club and claw her in "you're the most attractive girl in this club". Seriously she was hot (I was thinking of how Velouria would've been jealous would he have been there :P). Great set as well. There is however one fear that remains... the crown jewel in my crown of fears. To complete my mission I must get to know this one fully as well. At bootcamp I'd put my arm around girl's necks to open them. Ever since, that has represented the ultimated in pickup for me. So there is a ton of fear because I regarded it as such a monumentus act. I find the hottest cocausian girl in the club and put my arm around her neck "you could very well be the hottest girl in this entire club".. She loves it. I noticed that girls don't even notice my arm there, it's completely natural as though it is expected. They usually go "thanx! where are you from??".
Of course I've been jumping from set to set and haven't had a make out yet. Stay in the next set a little longer and have kino all fucking over her. Get close to her lips, but no go apparently. Ask her to dance, she replies she wants to, but can't leave her friend. I capitulate at this. Perhaps if I'd have persisted it would've gone through.
Throughout the night I received ample compliments from the guys in that club of how I was the man and how my dancing was awesome. So fuck yeah for ego-boosting there.
Other hight points:
- Sing the corus to my favorite song (sexy by Guetta and Akon) together with some girl
- Open with "my shirt is sexy, but don't you think it's too sexy?" after which I happily admit that that was my strategy to come and talk to them.
- I added to so many peoples nights. I'd go up to the sad people that would be standing by themselves or in groups of two. I'd see them cheer up while I'd talk to them.
- Of course I HAD to collect a rejectiong, because (as Ozzie says) if you're not getting rejected, you're not getting laid. I got one from opening with "I'm sad, I need a kiss". Had nothing to do with the opener though. Stood there and talked into open air for a while.
- At the end I was tired as fuck from all the interacting and giving energy.. but I just kept on going opening sets while being all chill and relaxed. Either you want it or you don't..
Review: Awesome!!!! My goal was to see the fear up close and I DID! I persisted to the end! I saw all my fears I think (perhaps moving chicks, is still one)! It was all pretty flashy though. Cool as fuck. But not so much conductive to make-outs and lays. Next time, I'd focus more on longer sets, going back to sets I already opened, moving them (!!!!!!!), going for the make out.
PS: I don't have the illusion that this is who I am now. A state like this is not created by me.. it comes and finds you, it flows from everything that is. You're just swept along for the ride.. and a glorious ride it was. Glory times. Date, fuck, win.
PS 2: Forgot one of the best parts! At some point I'm on the beach and it was human insanity at it's very best. I was alone, but I was doing martial art kicks and yelling across the ocean to the people I miss and laughing like a true maniac... it was brilliant.
Tuesday: Went out the night after. Really tired, but had to see the fear of being afraid to not be able to repeat the last night. Get a semi-blow out at the first bar. Me: "HEY" girl: "no thanx" me: "no thanx what?" her: "I don't know, I'm sorry" (somthing to that extent anyway). Goes on for a while,she goes on saying shit like "none of your business" to which I reply "fair enough". I head off, but just as I do the other girl starts showing interest. Do a little cool hand shake with her.
Talk to two other girls on the street for a good 30 mins. Head home and hit the sack.
Wednesday: Go out to the model contest. The models I had talked to earlier look amazing. As do all the girls. End up spending the night with the first set I open. Nice (Dutch) two set. It had a weird dynmics though. This is the first time I think that I've had a long set where both of the girls seemed really interested. They were both pretty awesome and I genuinely had a hard time taking a pick. It's pretty slow and chill, but get in ridiculous kino at times and dance with the both of em. Finally get a small kiss out of the blonde girl. I was alone with both of them several times and could've made out with both.
I seem to have found another fear though. Messing things up when I'm in a good set seems hard for me. Like there's a fear of moving one of the girls or just going for the kiss. Can't wait to go out and see that fear up close again.
At the end I saw the, what I thought was, the hottest girl from the contest standing alone, I was occupied with my girls. Now however, I'm 'hating' myself, because that was the most amazing opportunity ever to fail, or to encounter the fear of talking to a super model (she just came back from the playboy mansion). Could've just gone "so, looks like you got that sexy booty of yours kicked?" (she lost). I have a pic of her which I'll post later.
Review: Good going out, even though I was tired. Also good keeping loooong sets, that's what I wanted. Great kino! Like our stomachs would be touching or I'd be feeling the other girl's abs. Now all that remains is moving them... and going for the kiss without there being an opening (these girls would just keep talking forever!). I'm gonna hang out with them later btw.
Last weeks have been hard. Been hanging around some groups while on some adventures I booked. I accept who I am and that I'm okay, but this does result in me being very average person. Like I'll be semi flirty with girls sometimes, but usually have the regular conformist conversations... "where are you going next? what do you study", or sit somewhere silently, I do that a lot too. In my last group I think if you'd ask the girls what they thought of me, it would be something like "sad and vulnerable". Or well they'd probably say that they found me an 'attractive young man' too.
Also have been thinking a lot, can't seem to stop it. Looking for an answer to a question I don't know. Though I suspect it's the paradox between, the knowledge that I'm already okay, but then I'm not living according to my values.
Just painting you a picture of the down times, which always will hit (but in no way as hard as they used to).
Also, I'm pretty sure I know how to get in state and get this shit going. Now my brain is attacking my motivation to do that though. Also have some questions about my purpose in general. It cannot be game... but then what is it?
Been pretty angry all day, because this dude in the last group kept getting all the attention and not me. If this goes on long enough, this'll get to me. So I'm angry now. I've been pretty horrible to all the people I talked to today, but strangely enough, they all seemed to like me. Except for this really hot store clerk... she was ready to punch me in the face. All though I know the anger will pass and is not a way of life.. this has been very refreshing. So right now... FUCK EVERYONE. I shall only focus on my own circle of influence... and assign value to nothing and no one.