I've been in the game on and off for 4 years.
I have always had the same recurring problem. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of looking like an idiot. I'm scared of embarassing myself.
I got through high school by mostly keeping to myself, and relied on my semi-good looks and a few really cool friends here and there to keep me from being categorized as a "dork". I basically cheated my way to get by taking the easy way out of every social situation. I guess this tricked my mind to make me think I was cool enough (even though deep down I knew of the shortcomings).
This has caused me to create a false image of myself that up untill now I was content to play into.
I have a huge ego.
I'm not really scared to approach, I'm scared of the reference points I'm initially going to get if I do.
Writing this now I can see how stupid this is, but when I'm in the club it's paralyzing.
I've always liked to explain things, especially abstract concepts that have real world implications, so I'm just going to do a brain dump here to motivate myself to get over this (and maybe anyone else who happens to read it).
My ego is a fabricated image I have of myself. I know I have a far-from-flawless personality, especially when it comes to the social aspect of it, but I have developed a set of behaviours that allow me get by in my daily life without being disrespected or insulted or just generally DLV'd. It's like a set of personal routines that I've come up with in order to stay safe, so that I don't have to put my real personality on the line. Do my routines work? Yes, to a certain extent, but there are always those times when the real self has to shine through.
It is those times when I start second guessing myself, thinking of ways make it through the situation while still preserving my ego. God forbid I allow myself to seem unconfident or show people that my social savvyness is less than par.
It is those times that I fail miserably, and as a result I figure out a way to make sure I do everything I can to avoid such situation again.
Well I have good news, for myself and anyone else with the same issue whose reading this article. Were here for self improvement, to fix this unnamed problem that we, and only we, know that lurks inside us. There is a cure. A PERMANENT fix. Its called sarging...NATURALLY aka direct aka WITHOUT ROUTINES.
In the past I avoided situations which brought evidence that my ego was incorrect. But now that I've dedicated myself to going out every single night for at least the next year, I have no choice but to face this FEAR of finding out who I really am and where I stand on the social ladder.
I know what I have to do. The ego is just a bunch of thought processes. So I have to STOP FUCKING THINKING and just act.
In the ego song kanye states : "my ego is my imaginary friend"
I think my ego is my imaginary enemy.
Fuck this man.
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