flux's Blog

1) Pick your desired state


e.g.
approaching state
chatty state
quiet state
happy state
sad state
vibeing state
kino state
flirting state
pulling state
random make-out state
chill infront of the tv state
going out state
x-box state
etc etc

2) When you were in that state previously....what were your thinking at the time?
e.g
for approaching state....

"it's more fun to approach than sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I'm just going to approach for my own benefit, I dont care what she thinks or If she wants to speak to me or not, I'm doing this for me and she's just going to have to deal with that".

3) When you were in that state previously....what were you feeling at the time?
e.g.
for approaching state.....

outward energy, excited, adrenaline, standing up tall, smiling, loud voice.

Guess what???? 

Now you know how to get yourself into approaching state!

Do the same to learn how you avoid negative states to!

Here's another good state to learn......

Experimenting State!

If you dont know your mindsets for a particular state, such as approaching, because you haven't done it before or enough....then get into experimenting state......so.......

When you were in a experimenting state previously what were you thinking at the time?
e.g.
"this is uncomfortable and it may not go well, but I'm going to try it anyway and see if its really as bad as I imagine"

When you were in a experimenting state previously what were you feeling at the time?
e.g.
high adrenaline but strong outward energy to 'throw' myself into the situation

Repeat your experiment a few times and note what other mindsets start occurring to you when approaching...

So now you know!

Remember...these answers make sense to ME.....you need to find the answers that work for YOU.

Learn your way of doing things....what thinking/feeling shifts do you make when you do one thing or another.... then you'll know what to do next time you want to do it!

The only thing that matters is your reaction to your mess ups....

....if you find it funny when you say or do something stupid and laugh it off then it's cool.....

.....if you get upset, annoyed, beat yourself up and loose state about it then you can wave the girl goodbye. 

It all adds to the drama and fun of a night out, so be amused, laugh out loud, and plow on regardless....it's all funny.

If you see a hot girl, and for whatever reason, you just don't want to go and speak to her right now, but you feel like you should do, and try to pressure and force yourself to approach, then you'll get that negative anxiety that will probably stop you approaching, or just make you come off weird in the interaction.

Alternatively, if you see a hot girl, and you genuinely want to go up and talk to her, you may still have anxiety doing it, but it'll be more like a fun approach-adrenalin sort of thing.

It's the same with going out....do you genuinely want to go to a nightclub tonight? Saying yes doesn't mean you wont have any anxiety, it just means the anxiety wont be able to stop you going out.

Another example, I used to have a massive phobia of snakes, I couldn't even look at the TV if there was a snake on. But at some point I decided that I wanted to get over my phobia. After some progressive desensitisation I have now touched a couple of snakes. Not because I thought I should, or because I was worried about what other people would think if I didn't, I did it simply because I wanted to, despite the anxiety at the time. It was good.

A year after doing that I had another opportunity to touch some snakes. I found myself holding back. I was now thinking that I should touch the snakes to prove I could do it, to prove that I no longer had a phobia, but in all honesty, I'd already proven to myself that I could do it, I just wasn't that bothered about touching them now, so doing it was no longer just about genuinely....in the moment....wanting to, I just felt that I should. The anxiety felt different this time, it wasn't fun, I didn't touch the snakes.

Different mindset, different results.

So when anxiety come up, ask yourself....do I want to do this?

If you don't, don't, and be cool about it.

If you do, do it, and have fun.

(BTW, anxiety is counter intuitive, so just by being cool with not wanting to do it, you may well find yourself starting to actually want to do it....it's non-resistance as Tolle would say....do what you want).

3 things that influence what you decide to do in the moment....

BOUNDARIES, COMMUNICATION and FREEDOM.

1) BOUNDARIES

- Standing up for yourself
(asserting your position, but being prepared to agree to disagree)

- Not accepting unacceptable behavior from others or yourself
(calmly alerting them that you are not happy about what they are doing and giving them the chance to change)

2) COMMUNICATION

- It's better to be chatty than quiet
(vibing, discussing or instructing...unstifled communication based on what is appropriate for the situation).

- Talking for me, not other people
(non-needy, self amusement)

3) FREEDOM

- Choosing what you want to do
(and taking action to do it)

- Not being obliged to anybody
(willing to walk away)

Here are the Three Flawed Thoughts which had held me back in the past:

1) I thought things which are fun to do wouldn't be fun.

2) I thought I couldn't do things I could.

3) I thought others would react in a way they didn't.

They created high levels of anxiety towards things that I didnt need high levels of anxiety towards. And I then delt with the anxiety by avoidance.

Thats it.

These three thoughts which I aquired growing up dictated my actions (or non-actions).

If I had thought about things differently my anxiety would have been much much less and my actions would have been different.

So how did I decide what to apply these Three Flawed Thoughts to? Im not going to mention any names, but it's basicly:

1) The things I was told growing up (crap - based on their own thinking errors)

2) The way people behaved towards me / others / situations (again, based on their own thinking errors)

It's actually annoying that such a simple thing could have such a significant effect on someones life, but if you don't know any better, you don't know any better....until you google "how to pick-up girls" that is!

To begin, begin.
- Peter Nivio Zarlenga

A good beginning makes a good end.
- English Proverb

Begin -- to begin is half the work, let half still remain; again begin this, and thou wilt have finished.
- Decimus Magnus Ausonius

The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.
- William James

Bad excuses are worse than none.
- Thomas Fuller

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.
- Jim Ryun

What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it, that's another matter.
- Peter F. Drucker

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- George Herman "Babe" Ruth

You cannot plough a field by turning it over in your mind.
- Unknown

Do not wait to strike until the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.
- William B. Sprague

Perseverance is failing 9 times and succeeding the 10th.
- J. Andrews

Who bravely dares must sometimes risk a fall.
- Tobias George Smollett

Success is never final and failure never fatal. It's courage that counts.
- George F. Tilton

It's a dream until you write it down, and then its a goal. - Anonymous

"Obstacles are those frightening things that become visible when we take our eyes off our goals."
- Henry Ford

Set your goals high and don't stop until you get there.
- Bo Jackson

You must take action now that will move you towards your goals. Develop a sense of urgency in your life.
- Les Brown

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal, nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong attitude"
- Thomas Jefferson

"Superficial goals lead to superficial results"
- Attila the Hun

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
- Mark Twain

When you cease to dream you cease to live.
- Malcolm Forbes

You win some, you lose some, and some get rained out, but you gotta suit up for them all.
- J. Askenberg

You've got to take the initiative and play your game. In a decisive set, confidence is the difference.
- Chris Evert

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."
- Beverly Sills

"If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win."
- Carl Lewis

"You only ever grow as a human being if you're outside your comfort zone."
- Percy Cerutty

"It is only through work and strife that either nation or individual moves on to greatness. The great man is always the man of mighty effort, and usually the man whom grinding need has trained to mighty effort."
- Theodore Roosevelt, in a speech about Grant, delivered at Galena, Illinois, April 27, 1900

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."
- Max Lerner

"Spirit ... has fifty times the strength and staying power of brawn and muscle."
- Unknown

"Continuous effort -- not strength or intelligence -- is the key to unlocking our potential."
- Liane Cardes

"If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat."
- Herschel Walker

"Train, don't strain."
- Arthur Lydiard

"Number one is just to gain a passion for running. To love the morning, to love the trail, to love the pace on the track. And if some kid gets really good at it, that's cool too."
- Pat Tyson

"You would fain be victor at the Olympic games, you say. Yes, but weigh the conditions, weigh the consequences; then and then only, lay to your hand-if it be for your profit. You must live by rule, submit to diet, abstain from dainty meats, exercise your body perforce at stated hours, in heat or in cold; drink no cold water, nor, it may be, wine. In a word, you must surrender yourself wholly to your trainer, as though to a physician."
- Epictetus, (c.A.D. 50-c.A.D. 138)

"Just remember this: No one ever won the olive wreath with an impressive training diary."
- Marty Liquori

"The more I talk to athletes, the more convinced I become that the method of training is relatively unimportant. There are many ways to the top, and the training method you choose is just the one that suits you best. No, the important thing is the attitude of the athlete, the desire to get to the top."
- Herb Elliott

"Restlessness is discontent - and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man - and I will show you a failure."
- Thomas Alva Edison

"The five S's of sports training are: stamina, speed, strength, skill, and spirit; but the greatest of these is spirit."
- Ken Doherty

"My jump was imperfect, my run-in was too short and my hands were too far back at takeoff. When I manage to iron out these faults, I am sure I can improve."
- Sergei Bubka (first pole vaulter to clear 20 feet)

Fall seven times, stand up eight.
- Japanese proverb

Only those who risk going to far can possibly find out how far one can go.
- T.S. Eliot

Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
- Andre Gide

Inspiration cannot be willed, though it can be wooed.
- Anthony Storr

Problems are only opportunities in work clothes.
- Henry J. Kaiser

Only he who can see the invisible can do the impossible.
- Frank L. Gaines

Nothing will work unless you do.
- John Wooden

Everything you want is out there waiting for you to ask. Everything you want also wants you. But you have to take action to get it.
- Jack Canfield

The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination.
- Tommy Lasorda

"Sweet is Pleasure after Pain"
- Dirigo Rowing Shell advertisement

"Hard training, easy combat; easy training, hard combat"
- Marshal Suvorov, famous Russian General

"Your training partner's name is pain. You start out trying to ignore him. Can't do it. You attempt to reason with him. No way. You try to strike a bargain. Hah. You plead. You say "Please stop, please go away. I promise never ever to do this again if you just leave me alone." But he won't. Pain only climbs off if you do. Then you're beaten. "
- Scott Martin

"The pain of disipline is far less than the pain of regret"
- Sarah Bombell, synchronized swimmer

"The Truth is that Running Hurts. No one gets faster without meeting their personal pain barrier straight on. No amount of junk miles, fun runs or affirmations are going to get you over the hill at the five mile mark in a 10k. However, what will pull you through is solid prep with hard hill runs and interval work."
- Manciata's explanation of the Truth about Running

"We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat; They do not exist."
- A.J.Balfour

"Man is not cut out for defeat. Man can be destroyed but not defeated."
- E. Hemingway

"The desire to win is born in most of us. The will to win is a matter of training. The manner of winning is a matter of honour."
- Margaret Thatcher

"If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high, but so are the rewards."
- Paul "Bear" Bryant, the Late, great coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide football team

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure ... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
- Theodore Roosevelt

Do you look up to naturals?

Put them on a pedestal?

Seek their approval? Let them lead interactions? Say things to impress them?

Dont forget....many of the basic Blueprint concepts apply with guys as well as girls.

The social dynamics concepts anyway, not the rapevan idea.

Yeah yeah okay, we've heard it all before...social dynamics this, self actualisation that....yada yada yada....but when all is said and done, what does it REALLY come down to? What's the real deal? How to get girls? How to make friends? Basicly, how to make people like you and want you around?

Here's my opinion...

It's an exchange of value.

In other words....you both have to be getting some sort of benefit from the interaction.

This is true for both pick-up and social interactions.

What does it mean?

you give value > she gives value
or
she gives value > you give valve

That's the deal.

It goes like this....

- Recognise the value you have
- Give it
- If you get value back then continue the interaction
- If you're not getting value back then remind them to return value by using IOD's and takeaways or just walk away

That is what people are doing to you!!!

Be honest...

Do you sometimes expect people to give you value without you giving them some back?

Do you ever wait to receive value before you start to give it?

How to offer value....

- If people are not making conversation with you....make conversation with them.

- If people are not being friendly with you....be friendly with them.

- If people are not joking around with you....joke around with them.

- If you're not getting friendship...give friendship.

- If girls are not flirting with you....flirt with them.

- If girls are not getting sexual with you....get sexual with them.

Value is given in the present, it's not enough to rely on the value you offered someone in the past or simply plan to give someone value in the future. Value happens in the present, in the moment, in the now. Catch yourself if you are thinking about the past or the future and instead do something to offer value now, it may be as simple as starting a conversation.

If you haven't stopped and thought about this before then take some time and write it out...what value do you bring to girls? What value do you bring to guys? What value do you bring at work? What value do your goals bring?

But remember, pick-up is a two player game, so, it's about an EXCHANGE of value.

We exchange value every time we purchase something from a shop. What would happen if you went into a Ferrari showroom but had no money to buy a car? They have something you want so they have a lot of value to offer you but without any money you have nothing they value to offer back. So how would you feel after after the hopeful salesman spends an hour showing you the car? Would your anxiety rise as he takes you out for a test drive? Would your anxiety rise further as he expectantly asks you to sign the paperwork to buy the car but you have to tell him you have no money?

Maybe you would avoid that anxiety by not going into the showroom in the first place?

But how about if you went to that showroom just after winning the lottery? Suddenly you realise your value to them has sky rocketed. Would you be so anxious now or just excited?

RSD's Tim belives he is a 10. When he sees a HB10 he knows he stands a good chance of hooking up with her because they are both getting something they want out of the interaction, they both offer each other value.

If he wasn't a 10, if he was a 5, 6 or 7, how do you think the interaction would go? What if he thought he was a 2 or a 3? What sort of girls do you think he would get?

Tim IS the value, so just by giving himself he is giving 10 value to the girl.

Recognising the value you bring is a big part of this game.

We all have a number of 'bonus' things which make up the value we offer, such as personality traits, interests, skills, hobbies etc. But we know that we can all be interested in many different people who all have very different personality traits, interests, skills and hobbies. So this is a good time to remember what the fundamentals are that causes one person to like another....the fundermental value we can offer..

The standards you set for yourself are probably far higher than what anyone else would expect.

So what what does it come down to?

The Blueprint says....

"express yourself freely and let the chips fall where they may"

I would also add....

"like yourself despite your shortcomings"

So...

- you don't let your shortcomings bother you
- you don't try to hide them
- you like yourself despite them

- no walls, no ego

- this is me
- this is my way
- you are you
- that is your way

So yes, if you can just like yourself and express yourself freely you will offer a lot of value to others.

Remember, you ARE the value (if you belive you are) so just by giving yourself you are giving value.....no 'try hard' stuff required!

So, what does it mean to take value?

Here are a few ways of taking value....

- talking to guys that make good conversation rather than bringing the good conversation yourself

- waiting out of state until other people get you in state rather than actively interacting to bring state to everyone

- making eye contact with a girl to get validation by her returning eye contact rather than making eye contact to give her a thrill

- deciding to escalate with a girl to turn yourself on rather than escalating to turn her on

Here is a more subtle way of taking value...using other people to assess your own value.

For example, you may be looking at them to see...

- Do guys banter with me or tool me?
- Do girls flirt with me or reject me?
- Do I get invited to the cool parties or not?

If the answers are good then you decide you have high value, if they are not then you decide you have low value.

- Do you think this will make you more or less anxious socially?
- Do you think this will make you more or less reactive?
- Do you think this will make you believe you have more or less value than your appointed valuer?

Have you ever done that?

You have to define your own value.

So, as you look back maybe you can see times when your focus was on giving value and times when your focus was on taking value, don't make an identity for yourself as a giver or a taker, just step back, and recognise what you are doing in the moment and consider if it would be helpful to adjust your approach.

Remember, the deal is either -

you give > she gives
or
she gives > you give

So....stay present, exchange value.

Give, and allow her to give back.

Ask yourself.....are your goals taking-value or giving-value?

It doesn't nessecarily change the goal, but it does change your approach to it and therfore the result.

Using the example of giving or taking value when talking to a girl you like...you still have the same broad goal either way, but ask yourself...are you giving-value to her through persuing and acheiving the goal or simply trying to take-value by the acheiving the goal? Giving-value means you get enjoyment out of the journey 'the now', and you can feel fulfilled by completing your goal, because the goal was the journey, the experience, the giving, not the hoped for after-effect of getting the goal.

Tyler talks in the Blueprint about his goal of doing the Blueprint. It was not to do it as a value-taker, it was not for the money or admiration, it was for the experience of writing and sharing it - giving value. Tyler looks so happy and fulfilled at the end of the Blueprint because he acheived his goal of giving the Blueprint, but if his goal had been to do the Blueprint as a value-taker he would have been looking at his bank balance, looking at peoples reactions and then asking himself if he feels different as a result. Its unlikley he would of had the same good feelings.

Goals based on self-improvment are still value-giving. Improving yourself means you can offer more to other people. So, unleshing your spirit of adventure, overcoming fears/phobias, going to new places and meeting new people all bring positivity. For example, deciding you want to travel will bring value to the people you meet there, assuming you belive you have value to give.

Becoming a rockstar may be your goal. If you are a value-taker you are doing it for the money and for peoples admiration, but if you are a value-giver you are doing it for the experience of giving your music to people. So you wont get your first number one and say "I'm a rockstar but I dont feel any different" you just get on with enjoing giving your music...doing it for the journey, not the outcome.

So go over your goals and ask - am I giving-value or taking-value?

Back when I was at school, we would start the day in our tutor-group before going off to start lessons. I would sit with my friends, but I would be very quiet, laugh along but not contribute to the conversation. Then as the day went on I would become more chatty, by lunch time I would be much more talkative and that would continue as the day went on.

I found it very frustrating that I would always start the day so quiet and withdrawn. It felt like it took me ages to build up my confidence and then I would loose it again as soon as I went back to sleep, back to square one.

I couldn't understand why this was and I found it very frustrating.

But this is just the way state works.

Interacting isn't a result of state....state is a result of interacting.

Back then I was unaware of this. I just knew I didn't feel like interacting - and experience had shown me that it tended to go badly if I interacted when I didn't feel like it, so I just didn't interact.

As the day went on I would be drawn into state as other people started conversations with me, then I would be fine. I was basicly forced into interactions which then brought state.

In relation to pick-up, maybe this is okay if you are just doing social circle game, but not if you are going out to do cold approaches.

Whenever I do my first cold approach of the day I have to accept

1) I do not feel like approaching this girl / set
2) I may well make an arse out of this

after one or two approaches my mood changes to

1) I love approaching random girls
2) They love me

then it'll go back and forth a bit to various degrees as the night goes on.

The two key realisations are.....

1) It doesn't matter if the interaction doesn't go well
2) State will come through action