In the early days of the community, people were very focused on reading the girl’s body language for indicators of interest, or IOIs.
In fact, reading too much into IOIs is unnecessary and counterproductive. Different girls express interest in different ways, based on their levels of extroversion and intoxication. Moreover, looking for IOIs tends to create a very reactive headspace in which you are looking for the girl to give you permission to physically escalate, which makes her the buyer and you the seller.
The general rule of thumb is to assume attraction and progress until the girl “locks up”—her shoulders get tense, she freezes, and her eyes express anxiety, rather than excitement.
But although trying to read body language in order to determine whether to move forward in the interaction is reactive and counterproductive, there are still some useful things to be aware of.
Different Levels of Physical Rapport
A person uses their level of physical rapport with another person to gauge what kind of relationship they have with that person.
Part of what constitutes your relationship with someone is how comfortable you are with varying degrees of physical contact.
Here is a rough scheme:
Strangers: If you someone touches you on the subway, they might apologize, because they are strangers. The same applies on the street, on an airplane, etc.
Acquaintances: Strangers become acquaintances by shaking hands. Acquaintances will even touch each other up and down the arm and shoulder area.
Friends: Friends will often hug upon greeting each other and feel comfortable with almost any sort of touching, provided that it’s not put in a sexual context.
Lovers: Lovers touch each other in overtly sexual ways.
An Important Caveat
While these different levels are important to understand, you do NOT have to proceed through them as a linear progression. By doing so, you are going back to the old model of moving through various “stages’ and testing for attraction by pinging IOIs and IODs back and forth.
That shit SUCKS.
You are much better off establishing friendly touch from the very start. Because you are approaching her and hopefully communicating as a man to a woman, with strong vocal tonality and physical proximity, it’s already in a sexual context.
Rules for Physical Rapport
If the girl locks up or seems uncomfortable, take a step back. In general, you want to step back before the girl voices a verbal objection.
This applies off the opener as well. When you open, you should square up to the girl and talk directly to her. But if she refuses to face directly towards you and turns to the side, then you should, in most cases, turn to the side as well.
Continuing to square up to a girl that has turned away from you is a lesser equivalent of following a girl down the street and opening her from behind—it’s kind of creepy and comes across as trying for rapport.
High-Value Body Language
If you have any social acuity at all, then you will be able to get a sense of where the girl is at without actively analyzing the situation. You don’t want to be reading her body language all of the time for IOIs and IODs so as to mirror and match—this comes across as try-hard and reactive, and it’s also not very much fun.
Rather than pay attention to the girl’s body language, read your own body language and that of high-value males in the environment.
One of the best indicators of value in a male is their level of relaxation.
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. Relaxation suggests that you have surplus time and energy and thus have high status within the tribe.
Recent studies have shown that, contrary to the stereotype of the CEO with high-blood pressure, people with lower status in corporations have higher levels of stress than people in high-status positions, despite their lower levels of responsibility.
In a social environment, males with alpha characteristics—regardless of their status within the actual society—will generally have loose body language and relaxed shoulders. This relaxed body language expresses their internal mental state. They are at ease in the environment and their physicality expresses that.
How This Applies to You: “Fake It Till You Make It” vs. Total Congruence
If you notice your own body language becoming stiff or your shoulders getting tight, then take steps to loosen up and unstifle yourself.
While your body language expresses your internal mental state, you can reverse-engineer this process and create a more relaxed mental state by relaxing and loosening your body.
As Tony Robbins writes, “Motion creates emotion.”
This is why mimicking alpha body language and vocal tonality as a newbie works better than you might think.
Since one of the most important factors in the game is congruence, one might argue that mimicking the body language and vocal tonality of an alpha male when you were first starting out would lead to poor results, because you would be trying to come across as something that you are not, which is rapport-seeking.
Indeed, it seems to contradict this advice given by Tyler that you should be congruent to whatever state you are in.
But this advice applies more to intermediate and advanced guys then to newbies.
Intermediate and advanced guys already have alpha characteristics and the basic mechanics down. They just need to bring them to the surface by getting out of their heads.
Newbies, by contrast, suck shit.
Newbies, at least a hard-case newbies, are trying to shake themselves out of their social conditioning, taught them that they were low-value and cannot approach hot girls without being ostracized.
The low status they are projecting with their body language and vocal tonality is more destructive than incongruence because they can’t even get the girl’s attention. Moreover, mimicking high-value characteristics—loose body language, being loud—will affect their state in a positive way.
Have you ever noticed that there are certain people for whom everything just seems to go right?
In school, business, their social lives, and with the opposite sex, they seem to have an outrageous level of entitlement, almost to the point of arrogance.
But, arrogant or not, they get what they want out of life.
These people are caught in a positive feedback-loop.
Most people who are caught in a negative feedback-loop—or who are even just outside the positive loop—don’t even want to be in the positive loop. They are intimidated by it.
But if you’ve made the choice to become successful with women, then you need to work your way into it.
But most guys seeking dating advice is that they have limited to no positive experiences with women. So question arises: how do I get in the loop?
1. Understand That the “Loop” You’re Caught Up in is Arbitrary
For whatever reason, people in the positive feedback-loop had a set of positive experiences. These in turn led to positive emotions, which led to positive expectations, which led to more positive experiences.
This especially applies to pickup. Because cold-approach pickup is an interpersonal art, you can exploit the Pygmalion Effect. The stronger the expectation of a certain kind of response that you place on someone, the more likely that person is to respond in kind.
An elite player has experienced female compliance numerous times, so they can place this expectation on the woman off the approach in a congruent way. Given the strength of this expectation, which is propped up by a wealth of experience, a high percentage of women will comply.
Moreover, because the experienced guy has seen so many women be compliant, he is more likely to plow through initially apathetic responses and “flip” the set.
For someone who isn’t successful, watching these guys impose their reality on women comes across as obnoxious. But if you accept that men and women are equal, you realize that you are simply observing a courtship ritual.
Whether you are “naturally” good at this has everything to do with your early life experience. Did you have older brothers to talk to about women as a teenager? Were there lots of girls on your street? Did a schoolyard bully happen to live on your street?
But while your baseline success with women is arbitrary, you are an adult now, and it’s up to you to take responsibility for getting what you want out of life.
2. Develop Basic High-Value Outer Game Characteristics…Without Being Incongruent
RSD is quite idealistic and mindset-based. The general logic is that vocal tonality, body language, and even humor are an expression of the guy’s perception of their own value in the environment.
In general, this holds true. A history professor might be quite charismatic and charming in the lecture hall because he perceives himself to be valuable. Take him to XS in Las Vegas and the result might differ radically.
But this is not an excuse to ignore outer game entirely. Making certain tweaks can increase the rate of positive responses, which will encourage you to go out more.
Being loud will ensure that you grab the woman’s attention and conveys confidence, provided that you don’t overdo it. Developing a go-to opener will ensure that you don’t ever have an excuse not to open. Getting physically close to the girl, while using your emotional intelligence to calibrate, will allow you to exploit the fact that men and women have a certain degree of natural chemistry no matter what.
3. Shift Your Criteria for Success Inward
If you are stuck in a negative loop, in which negative experiences lead to negative emotions, the positive feedback loop seems out of reach.
The way to shift into that positive loop is to stack the odds in your favor.
This means lowering your criteria for a positive experience so that it’s within your control. This way, so long as you take action, you feel a positive emotion, and you’re encouraged to take more action and accumulate more experiences.
Tyler uses this as a process for getting back into the game after a break, and you can use it to get into the game as a newbie.
Tyler argues that when getting back into the game, you need to stack the odds in your favor so that you feel good no matter what. This is doubly true for a newbie, who doesn’t necessarily even see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Rather than make your criteria for success having sex with a runway model, make your criteria that you approach ten girls per night.
You can’t control whether a woman goes home with you, but you can control how many girls you approach. So, if you follow this process, you’ll feel good as long as you take action.
Your current level of success with women is mostly arbitrary. It’s largely a result of how you grew up. You could spend hours analyzing the environmental factors that caused you to become a beta male, but the most important thing is to focus on how to get the results you want.
Guys who succeed with women are caught in a positive feedback-loop, in which their positive experiences lead to positive emotions, which lead to more positive experiences.
To succeed with women, you need to get in that loop.
To do this, forgive yourself for not having success. Then, you need to understand the basic outer-game characteristics that convey confidence and adopt them as much as possible.
Most importantly, you want to make your standard for a “positive experience” something you can control, like the number of approaches you do. That way, you feel good as long as you take action, and going out can become a sustainable part of your lifestyle.
Going out solo to pick up girls is not ideal. While a few elite players claim to prefer to go out alone, most people feel more confident and have more fun with a friend or two. However, by developing a trusted process for meeting girls when out alone, you can make solo sarging work for you.
When you plan your night, realize that it is a challenge to go out alone, and you will need to be disciplined to overcome this disadvantage.
When you get to the venue by yourself, you will not feel as confident as you would with a wing. From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, this makes perfect sense. Your brain will allow you to be cockier if you have backup to fend off potential threats. In a foreign environment, your brain will, in the interest of keeping you alive, stifle you so you don't irritate the natives
In most environments nowadays, however, it’s safe to be confident, even without your friends there. And you will sometimes find yourself in situations where going out alone cannot be avoided—for example, on a family trip to a foreign country.
In these cases, you can still have success by tricking your brain into thinking that you have backup.
How do you do this?
You make friends in the venue.
However, if you’re new, even making new friends in a nightclub while going solo can be a challenge. Thus, it’s helpful to a have a deliberate process for making this happen and using it to fuel a night of approaching hot girls.
1. Approach the First Group You See
This is an old-school community cliché that some instructors argue is obsolete and unnatural. But when going out solo, you need to hit it up right off the bat.
This means that you are ideally approaching groups before you even get to the venue—on the subway, on the street, wherever.
If there are no sets on the street, then talk to people in line and chat with the bouncers. These interactions can be short and go nowhere: it doesn’t matter. The point is to build some momentum and make up for the fact that you don’t have wings to talk to.
Without your friends there to reinforce that pickup is normal, you need to take action from the very start. If you don’t, it’s very easy to get stuck in your head. And since you’re out alone, once this state crash starts, there is no one to stop your fall.
Another old-school cliché, “Either you get on top of the venue or the venue gets on top of you,” is doubly true when you go out alone.
2. Minimize Time Between Interactions
The biggest obstacle when going out solo is building that social, carefree headspace. You don’t have wings to chat with in between sets, so you want to keep your mouth moving. The only way to do that is to keep talking to people at all times.
The best way to make this happen is to lower your standards. Talk to anyone—ugly girls, fat girls, elderly women. Even guys and bar staff.
3. Establish a Home Base
Eventually, something will hook. Certain girls are just outgoing and will give you a good reaction no matter what. These are usually NOT 9s or 10s. That’s okay—you’re not trying to fuck the home base.
Instead, the home base allows you to warm up by playing around with female energy, while providing you with someone to talk to in between sets.
Moreover, the home base offers you a degree of social proof. From the perspective of another, hotter girl in the venue, a guy who is talking to a group of girls, even if they are completely ugly, always comes across better than a guy who is standing around alone.
Finally, the home base may have more attractive friends in the venue that you don’t know about.
4. Oscillate Between Opening Other Girls and Chatting with the Home Base
Once you have established a home base, it’s as if you have female friend[s] in the venue. And if the home base is attracted to you, don’t feel like you have to talk to them all night. Even if they are attracted to you when you meet them at 10 pm, no girl wants to spend all night talking to the same guy, so feel free to oscillate between opening other girls and coming back to home base.
With the home base established, you can approach hotter girls with the confidence that you have some backup in the venue. You can even bring other girls that you are more interested in back to the home base, merging sets, or have the home base open groups with you. As long as it’s fun and funny, she won’t get offended.
Aside from whatever amount of social proof the home base provides, hotter girls in the venue may see you with this unattractive girl and get competitive. That is, they may want the easy validation of blowing the ugly girl out and getting your attention.
While going out alone is not ideal, it is sometimes inevitable and always workable, provided that you have a trusted process. Once you have had some success going out alone, you will begin to view it as normal.
Basically the high-end circuit is done by promoters for promoters. Chodes pay up to $2,000/night to get into these places to fund the promoters' and hang-out girls' coke habits. But the people on the inside pay nothing.
I need to figure out how to get on the inside, preferibly without becoming a promoter-sleazebag.
I came upon Brad's "Ascent to Elite Congruence" thread, and it's aweomse. One post that I find particularly valuable frames rapid kino escalation as a qualifier for the girl to determine whether she's game for a SNL. http://www.rsdnation.com/node/75297/forum?page=3
This is great because my biggest sticking point is still physical escalation. I think what happens is that I come off well on the opening but because I sometimes don't escalate it is incongruent with all the other positive things I'm conveying (the fact that I'm approaching, my tonality, and my tight verbal game convey alpha traits, but the lack of physical escalation suggests that it's a front or not all there).
The only reason I'm not escalating I guess is ego-protection. I'm having a good interaction with the girl and I don't want to fuck it up.
Of course, this is silly because by not escalting I'm going to fuck it up anyway.
However, I couldn't come up with a way to escalate without giving my power away (is this ok? is this ok? is this ok?). Screening a girl for a SNL is a way to do that.
I'm going out every night so I'm starting to get bored with just approach after approach after approach (and conversation after conversation that goes nowhere--although it does reinforce that approaching and self-amusement are cool).
I also have a small team of fb's and would honestly rather get a full night's sleep by myself than get laid right now, so there's no outcome dependence in terms of female validation. I just want to get better, and what needs to get better is closing/physical game + more adventures.
As a side note, I met this 25 yo girl via daygame that's been calling/texting me, and I have weird outcome dependence/nervousness about hanging out with her. Whatever, she's French and probably dtf. I'll probably meet up with her tomorrow--my day 2 game needs work anyway.
I've gotten to the point where I'm pulling girls way easier and it's like, "wait, it was this easy the whole time?". That is to say, when I get in state, which takes me about an hour or so because I'm not that great at warming up yet, things take care of themselves.
Add this to the fact that I am addicted to going out, so that addiction to new reference-experiences overwhelms my approach anxiety to the point where I have motivation to do the warm-up approaches to get in state, despite initial approach anxiety.
However, I still think on some level ithe desire for validation motivates my going out. This is not to say that I want validation when I'm in state and pulling hard. But my motivation on a macro-level--what makes me want to go out--is to become one of the cool kids by learning these skills.
Of course, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with this. it's good motivation to improve the skill-set. But it isn't the ideal framework to have long-term. That is to say, once I have torn back all the crap--all of the social anxiety about my status and going out--and am at a point where I assume that everyone in the bar/club is my friend, then my approaches will be motivated by love of women rather than wanting to validate this new identity as a cool guy (Tim talks about this in Flawless Natural a lot). Then my shit will be at a new level.
I realize I should be in the moment or whatever but I am so excited to graduate and be in nyc where I can approach hard and get viciously blown out without having to worry about social-circle repercussions.
In a sense it was very stupid to do a bootcamp while I was still at school but it just means the fury will be greater once I arrive back in the city because I have been holding myself back so as not to be called before the deans as a sex offender/potential rapist.
This doesn't mean that i haven't been fucking vicious, but my viciousness has been necessarily subtle. Starting next week, NO MORE SUBTLETY. NO MORE CHATTING. FUCK THAT.
Cherish left to finish work off campus. I feel relieved because even though I was gaming other girls, I felt like I was performing or something or reacting to her being around. It was really fun going out with her though--it is true what people say about having female wing's, especially once you have some game. Gotta be careful not to get into spectator mode when guys' approach them, but as long as you hold the frame the guys back off, even if they're huge frat bros.
Strange, however, that friends are trying to make me buy into social programming that says I should be clingy and feel bad. I've been working on being really physical because that's a big sticking point. But my friends have seen this with the cherish and said things like "you must really like her," etc. Fair enough because I've rarely been physical like that in public before.
Had a really good night last night, was really in the zone. Tried to go out in town and sucked, approach anxiety back after 2 weeks out of cold approach since bootcampt because I've been at school. But in the school environment at parties was rocking it, especially once we got things going.
Have planted some seeds that I think will produce this week, but my main focus is having fun. With social circle game I find that you really have to just let go and have fun, to a greater extent than in clubs.