killacam09's Blog

There is always so much goin on.

Im always thinking about the next fuck, the next game thats coming out for the PS3, the next music album that i am anticapting.  I read Tolle trying to be present, trying to just enjoy this moment.  I listen to binaural beats, meditate but still all i can think about is the future  I dont really know why.  My girlfriend and i are both at Uni during these uni months she has a flat but in the summer she moves back to her hometown with her parents which is just so fucking far from where i stay at the minute i often wonder what am i going to do?  What is the manifestation of me and her in the summer?  Both working miles away?  What will happen?  I really dont know, i think about it too much, she seems to be in love with me but is it enough? 

As for me.............uni is fucking getting hectic, so much work to do, im talking like 80 hours a week here.  So much to do, but this is the life i chose.  Im gonna take the action and just fucking do the shit!  At the end of the day if i fail everything, fail at my at at life?  Who fucking cares?  My spiritual body will always exist!
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Well i kinda lost it last night. 

Was at home having way too many beers while writing an essay for Uni, the shit would just not go onto the paper like i knew what i had to do but it just was not happening.  Got so frustrated mad drunk, earlier in the night was supposed to be going round to my girlfriends and smoking weed then having a mad fuck session but ends up her best mate was coming over so i just told her i was busy doing the essay which wasn't a problem.

She texts me like 12 at night asking how the essay is going so i text back and like just say aight and ask her how her night is going, no reply til half 1 and i fucking snap like really and tell her this is my last text message to her and that im deleting her number?  I knew it was the wrong thing to do at the time but i did it anyway!  She replies but i just fuck u or whatever then i wake up with a sore head and dont know what to do.

At half 1 or so the re-conciliation begins and we kinda say we gonna chill seperate at the weekend but meet up on Sunday and work thing out.................

What the fuck was i doing?  I did not feel in control, ive become so embroiled in binaural beats/meditation and shit but its like my pain body just takes over sometimes, its like i lose fucking control and just take it out on the closest person i can find.  My physical body is fucking beautiful but there is something fucking with my spiritual body, there are forces out there trying to fuck with my life that i cannot even comprehend.

You know what i am going to become a better man, these emotions will not get the best of me! 
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Bought kettlebells a couple of days, absolutely fantastic man.  They feel like they are working all parts of the arms and you can basically freestyle with them and do whatever the fuck you want.  Feels great plus gets the heart going, my shoulders are looking beastly after just a few days of hitting them.  Recommend them!
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Last night was pretty crazy, i don't even feel human its like i cant feel my face.  Im just not in other people realities, im so different from the normal.

Was feeling pretty down last night and generally have for days but whereas most people have no idea to do when they are sad i just identify with the emotion and realise it is only a thought it is not really me just a thought process, this is only a physical body.  So i down 3 martinis and red colas (i call them Mick Hucknall's) then i have a couple of beers and i say fuck it im off out.....................get to the bar and i average a beer every 5 minutes blowing money left, right and center.  Im not single so not on the pull but as usual im up for any type of social experimentation, basically talked to everyone in sight including a lot of older women, one in particular was really into me, i could basically smell her getting wet and it was all eye contact all complete masculine presence, it was unbelieveable but i didnt do shit and didnt want to its all experimentation because my girl is the shit...........yeah she the shit so much so that i take febreeze into the bedroom with me. 

I continue to drink and be merry as they say haha.  I was talking to this old guy and his wife was telling him to the bathroom and she wants it done in one day and he was like..............."but if i do the bathroom in one day? what i am going to do the next day?"  That shit was so real to me, he has worked all his life and only retired about a month ago and he is so lost its like he's ready to do but he has so much value to give.  He is alpha as fuck but he has been reduced to hanging about the bar giving inspirational quotes such as "You do the best job!", "do it your a great man, a better man, a better man than you ever were".  Love this dude, so much value.

Anyway i must have had 40 beers as the night progressed, uhhhhhhhhh kissed one of my mates on the neck (he is a male and works behind the bar)  This has a guy that has an answer for everything but he was ummmm speechless haha, that was funny.  At some point i just snapped...........i hadnt heard from my girlfriend not even a new year message so i just snapped and started telling everyone "you dont know the fucking half of it!  im the muthafuckin and she aint shit!".  Rest of night is kinda cloudy but i lament the fact to my chick that i know she is cheating on me through text cos i aint heard from her.  And we kinda argued all night after that and i passed out at 7am and i am going to see her tomorrow and i am going to film us having sex tomorrow night.

2011.............its gonna be interesting to say the least!
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This is your reality! Do with it what you wish! How to implement this? Simple, if she is talking about something that doesn’t interest you then simply talk about your own shit, if she’s talking about something in her life that doesn’t interest you then simply start talking about how you want a new pair of boots or where does the sky end and the space begin? YOUR REALITY!
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You will always be tested by a woman, from now to eternity if you were with the same woman she will always be testing you. It never ends, pass these tests every time or you might as well be saying, hey im a little that can’t pass your tests! Be man pass those tests and continue to pass them!
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Momentum is a big thing. For example when writing a report for Uni the first fifteen minutes could be excruciatingly hard and hard to get into but once you bypass that initial fifteen minute mark things start to become easier and you hit a bit of momentum and all of a sudden the words start to flow on the page. The same could be said about nights out and getting girls, for example after getting blown out by a couple of chicks you get the confidence and momentum from these initial interactions to go and talk to more and more nights as the night progresses and who knows what that could lead to?
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So after a four month relationship im finally single.  It feels strange, i feel lonely and most of all i feel guilty for hurting another huamn beings feelings.

From the start this was a difficult relationship with the chick having a kid and trying to find time for her in between work, studying and of course partying to keep my skills intact.  The first couple of weeks of the relationship i was still cheating on her, then for the next 3 months i went out and still talked to girls but was faithful but on my second day back at Uni this week i just cracked and fucked the shit out of a 19 year old blonde back at her flat.

Instead of hurting my girlfriends feeling i broke up with her on the premise i do not have the time for a relationship with trying to juggle work, studying and play with seeing her and her child.  This is gonna be hard for me to get over the guilt of hurting this chick but i have to move on.  How do i move on?  Im back in the game baby, i pulled the hot 19 year old blonde effortlessly.  It was like so smooth an interaction and  took basically no effort from myself at all.

Im back in the game, lock up your daughters im coming harder than ever before to create some brilliant, unique life experiences............................
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Dance, have fun, enjoy the music, enjoy the bright lights.

Do your thing, do you, dont go out with the only objective of getting laid.

Just go out to have fun and sex usually comes as a product of having fun..............

Try works....................
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The community is lame to me.

People focus on building up a skillset that makes them good around women.  They make it their life to become good with women but end up becoming negligent with other things in their life (career, sports, hobbies).  Most community guys i meet are directionless in their life, they go out several times a week and blow all their money on the nights out and still have no real aspirations or goals apart from becoming good with women and being the guy that can get laid once or twice a week.

How about become the man in your career and building a really strong social circle and just getting laid as circumstance of that?  How about such a social circle that you can dial a number anytime and get that booty call, instead of hanging around the club all night trying to be the biggest alpha male in the building.

Food for thought YOU do the dishes....................
0 Comments | 402 Views