Times are a changin'. It seems that I wake up everyday as a new person. I go by the same alias, just a complete different persona.
I originally got into this stuff because I was an ADD (such a bs industry, imho) stricken child who could not find even if slapped me in the face. I really don't know how EXACTLY I found this stuff. Im resourceful, that's for sure. Google search after Google search eventually brought me to this.
A little background of the Biscuit: High school Sophomore, Psychology student, Bassoon artisan, percussion master, 3.75 gpa etc etc. I found myself in the strongest depression. The negativity seeped into my very being and just sucked the soul out of me.
I am a Psychology junkie; I love understanding the psyche and just broadening my knowledge of mankind. I am a Self Developer.
Through these past few weeks, I have undergone a helluva change. Must be something about adolescence. As soon as I sprout armpit hair my world does spins around me. But, I know what's going on. I saw it coming. I was ready. I am breaking the negativity and boosting the positive. I look around and I just wonder what other people are doing in their lives.
I have lived in fear of my peers through all of my public school education. Cowering in the low ranks I was afraid of stepping on anyone's toes. Scared me shitless thinking about it. But, as I am developing myself now and working for a better me, I wonder what they are doing to better their lives?
These people aren't doing anything! They come to school, hang with the same people and do the same work and play the same sports in the afternoon! They don't know what is going on. I just wish I could see what kind of a life OTHER people live. It's a fantasy of mine. Maybe then I will be humbled and return to cower in my corner like I did for many years.
I don't see anyone reading! Holy shit, reading is one of the best things you can do for yourself, it really puts things into perspective. I don't see people being proactive!! God damn everywhere I look people are reacting! I look (hypocritical) at others and all I see is them looking toward others for a guide. Like, they don't make any decisions for themselves instead they let someone else take care of it. Americans are like that. Look around. Donald Trump is rich as fuck. Donald Trump doesn't give a shit. Donald Trump doesn't put the seat down, doesn't throw away his trash, doesn't take INITIATIVE for "low class" things.
No diss to Americans. I love us. I love our women, especially. But that is how we are raised. We don't clean the floor of the public walkway. You would look absurd doing so. We leave it for the mexicans who are paid jackshit an hour to scrub our gum off the pavement and to pick up our cigarette butts as we puff right past them.
Kids these days, I really just don't know. Getting drunk at 16? Mind you, I do love drinking and I am 15. But one key thing is that I don't drink. I went to a party once (my only party, im still lonely) and got SMASHED, 15 beers later im holding two fresh cans in my hand and got two opened ones in my front pockets dancing in front of the bonfire and taking off my toga. Good times. But I don't drink. Yes, hypocritical. I don't pursue the drink. I don't need the drink to interact. Sure, if everythings kosher and its secure, ill get trashed as hell with you.
And smoking? I see kids walking in everyday STONED so hard. I really want to just smack them. They would probably laugh. I used to come to school stoned. That was freshman year. I was a FAG-GOT that year.
I was fat(ish), and I had a bowl cut from hell that was shaped like a penis. I saw a chick sporting a dyke cut as she was walking down the hallway, and I located the urethral hole. Sick, yes but that haircut defintley sported it. I also had NO social skills. That's why I rap so much on the old(ish) me.
So. Good day overall.
I blew up today man. I just flipped shit. I was fed up with the way I was treated. I was fed up of my mother asking and hinting at me smoking. WHAT?!!?? Sonofabitch don't you know? I don't smoke mom holy fuck don't you trust your own son? ..I thought. No blow. So we get home she starts up on this letter from the school. I have this teacher who has had brain surgery and cannot remember things too easily, and she wrote me absent on wednesday. I have been to her class every day. If I get one more absence (any reason) we are fined $500.00. New rule this year. I don't know what happened, my mom, when determined, can poke every single button until she hits the right one I react to. Oh my god. Fuck. I flip shit. I get in the emotions. Fuck this. I want to punch something. I worked out for a little, helped much. Step inside flaming and confront mom. Blow up and shoot bombs and machine guns around the room. She starts to cry. Fuck this. I have delt with 15 years of anger and crying in my household. We are dysfunctional as hell. I hate to see her cry. But also, when she crys she becomes very childish and storms through the house weeping. So I rip shit and meanwhile my sis has 2 friends over. She comes in and immediatley says "Jordan, leave her alone." Im like, what the fuck your my little sister, don't be bossing me like that. Anyway, she leaves and I just plow through working to calm both of us down. We get to talking and I just start to break free. No gay shit here but I just say that my ways aren't working and I am busting my ass trying to fix 15 years worth of "damage" and that when she accusses me of smoking it just really makes me explode.. I think its from my pot days I would toke in my room alone and I would freak shit if she ever smelled smoke. Idk she has some wierd fetish for smoke.. She smells everything. Like she gives you a hug but then she smells your shoulder or something. Creepy. Its audible as hell.
I really want to recede and dwell on my problems again. I want to feel sad about my life. I want to return to my days of friendless depression. I want to stay comfortable.
But NO! I must move forward. I must progress. I realize this is all the JOURNEY to my success. It is LIFE. Holy shit the end all and be all. I really only got negative feedback. She didn't hate me. My friends don't hate me. They hate my ATTITUDE. They hate my APPROACH.
Dig that one in.
Oh also, my posts are right now incomprehensible. I digress way too much. Goal to fix them soon?
Also learn how to talk in complete sentences. And confidently.
All for now,
* Converse in full thoughts
* Speak confidently in good tone
* Write readable forum posts