Birdcatcher's Blog

Okay, this is my first field report. Shit, I never thought I would actually have one of these but maybe some of you good folks could throw the kid a few pointers, ya?

Rolled out to the big city with some friends, meeting up with my one real metropolitan connection. Torrential, tornado, downpour actions, we walk in the bar soaked ,singing "Tarzan Boy" of all things, trying to get up to state and out of our heads. Make contact with my friend, she's on the dancefloor, popping, locking, dropping, the whole 9. I blow donkey at dancing, usually I pull out the honkey 2-step once I'm 100 beers deep, but FUCK, can't get drunk tonight, on a mission.

My boys stick on the dancefloor, and I walk off to grab a brewy and get my mouth moving. It's loud, THX sound test loud. These folks are hip as shit, thick rims, bad plaiditudes (har-har). I'm walking back and forth throught the bar, almost PACING. I can feel my energy retracting into my head, AWFUL! I see 3 girls talking in a little cluster. I sack up, and tap the closest one on the shoulder and say something retarded like "Did you see those <COOLSHITZ>, they're neat, you should, uh, check them out." Sweet. Jesus. They look at me like a Gump (Think: Don't you EVER call him stupid!)

I go back to pacing like a goddamn lunatic. I double fist some PBR and sit down at the end of the bar. I mean the END of the bar, by the door, where your dad would put you in timeout. I'm doing the "1000 yard stare" Feeling like absolute shit. "How can I learn this stuff when I can't get shit done on my first personal mission, wtf? who am I?" There's one guy next to me on his phone, he must have been really bad, to be put in timeout next to the wall, beat up his lil sister or something. There's a girl next to me too.

When I sit, the girl next to me pops up, up, and away, think see-saw launch. Chug my juice, Suddenly I hear "Ah! It's still warm!" Beautiful blondie plops down next to me, she's with another sickeningly hot girl, this one doesn't have a seat, she's standing up. Denim demon jackets, cowboy boots. She touches my shoulder and asks if there are any drink specials. I say "Yeah, but I'm blind as fuck." and point them out to her. Looking into her eyes blasted my brain out of the park, I couldn't even THINK. She turns away, legs crossed toward her standing friend. I sit for about a minute, pretending to fuck with my phone. MAN UP DUDE! THIS IS PERFECT, YOU WILL KICK YOURSELF IF YOU DON'T ACT! My being afraid turns into being angry at myself, perfect.

Throwing caution to the proverbial wind, I tap blondie on the shoulder. She swings around, it's like looking at the sun, it almost hurts. "No dancing tonight?" I ask. "Maybe later, we're meeting up with our friends." I start telling them about how I can't dance, the only moves I know are the robot, raise the roof, etc. They are RECEPTIVE (wtf?). This part is a little fuzzy for me, but I roll into this story that happened about a year ago. "You wanna hear about my bad day?" (not too soild, I know, I'm running on pure terror.) "You have to promise not to laugh at me, and not to laugh at the story, cause it's not funny." They agree.

Proceed with Birdcatcher's patented "I found a dead lady at work today" story (I work at a hospital). It's a 3-4 minute bit, I ask how their day was, they had just gotten back from a country music show. I loosen up and suddenly I AM A CONVERSATION MACHINE. When I'm talking to blondie I'm being careful to keep her pretty friend in on it too, juggle the eyes, etc. Making sure to touch her knee when I'm making a point, or elbow, or pick at her country getup when I tease her. Lot's of eye contact, even though it's hard for me to do. Finally she drops a hint that they really need to find their friends, I can tell they are having fun and want to stay. I say "Yeah, my friends are probably looking for me too" (lie, they are right fucking behind me). "It was really cool talking to you two, it's nice to meet other nerds. Do you have a, um, is there a number I can reach you at?" (Solid eye contact, she doesn't seem to notice me slip up. I never do this. Usually I just hand the girl my phone, less verbose the better, I think.) I get up as they do and tell them I'll see em.

I walk out and have a smoke in the pouring rain. I feel like a FUCKING CHAMPION PAUL BUNYAN TOWERING MOUNTAIN MAN, rain can't get me down. I meet up with my friends again, after a few minutes I'm walking through the dance floor and see the skirts again, near the floor, all by their lonesome. They light up, and both point at me, I smile, walk up and grab each of them by the arm, PULL them onto the dance floor. We're robot-ing, raising said roof, even a crotch chop or two. We look like total jagoffs, but they're loving it, and so am I. Alas, it's time for me to part, my ride to the burbs is a-leavin. I take blondie's hand, and focus as much as I can through my eyes. "I gotta bounce, I'll see you around okay." I tried to keep it in the look, not the words. Let it linger just a little too long.

# close. Fuck, guess who's beating off, MEEEE! I get one more later, and a FaceBook close!? Thems the breaks kiddo.

Where could I have improved this? More specifically, what should I have done about her best friend? Any help or FEEDBACK anyone can give me on this would be GREATLY appreciated guys. Thanks.
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