Cinco de let me fuck you.
It's cinco de mayo in the mid west and I am meeting a good girlfriend of mine at club fever.
I arrive. grab my friend an her two other girlfriends to go dance on the stage. We dance with no particular rhythm, skill, or regard for the strange sight or embarrassment that onlookers must be feeling. With such movements we would only feel at home in an early 90's radio head video.
The three girls eventually leave because one friend needs to suck from the teat of being a fucking loser. And for some reason girls need to flock.
I wave them off and walk around.
I spot a sexy stallion waiting trying to get a drink by the bar. I pounce.
"So... what are the drink specials for the night!?" (of course with br tonality)
"Ugh... dollar shots?"
"I like this little style you have going on... it tells me you are sexy... but only in a subtle way... like you want people to think it's on accident... but you know what you are doing...."
"Haha thanks (smiles)"
"Brad" (Extend hand)
"Sarah" (shakes hand back)
"Wait what is your name..."
(Cue Two Step routine)
"Ohh... this is wierd. You're not emotionally unstable are you?"
"My ex girlfriends name is sarah" (glare at her)
Anyways, fortunately the bartender was ignoring her for some reason. So we talked for quite a while, finally (cue Time routine) I tell her she can be my girlfriend, and I need to protect her honor against evil bartenders. And that our first appearance as a couple is to get her a drink. I extend my arm and she puts her arm in mine and I parade her around the club making sure the other girls can see my token trophy club girlfriend. I take her to a girl bartender who flirts with me a lot and she sees me and gets our drinks (as always I tip her with 2 dollars).
[* side note: I know there is a lot on the community about not buying girls drinks so that you don't supplicate and they lose attraction. But I've found that *after a girl is somewhat attracted to you* it's a good thing. And I like to do it. I think most girls are so socially conditioned that they think the man they like should buy them drinks. It's like some kind of symbol. *]
Right after we get our drinks I get excited that we are so successful as a couple and pick her up and spin her around.
“Nooooo (laughing and spilling her drink)”
She is getting really giggly and what looks like nervous. We look into eachother’s eyes and kiss. Then after were done with a passionate tosil hockey session she just tells me
“I have to go”
and runs away. Lol! Never seen that before. I yell “hey! You can’t get away from me!” She’s laughing the whole time. I’m hollering at her, and finally yell.
“You were my last chance for love!!!” (Thank you RSD hotseat).
And let her wonder off into the night. A lost love.
After that I felt like an younger more agile Rudolph Valentino… The women of club fever stood no chance against such mystic power.
I grab a very tall hotty. Tell her that I’m taller than her (Thank you Tyler). Pick her up and spin her. Kiss her (not a makeout unfortunately just a hard peck ). Slap her on her ass and walk away. Lol! Then a bunch of black guys start laughing and high five each other.
So the night goes on… now that I’m writing about last night, it would take so long to write every interaction so I’ll just summarize and try to plan my blog entries better….
Anyways I meet more women, get some numbers, then I see a girl that I’ve been attracted to for a while. And she is looking so fucking hot tonight! In her little skanky low cut red dress, and red white and blue marti gras beads. I tell her,
“Don’t you know this is Mexico’s independence… not america’s… racist… your stealing their glory.”
“Hahaha” (no idea what I’m talking about)
But our faces are about a cm apart and we are hugging and kissing. Her friends come up and introduce themselves. I complement, and talk logical to the friends for a while, ignoring my girl. We go to the bar to get shots, obviously because the “Shots! Shots! Shots!...” song is playing and girls go subliminally crazy and the precise frequencies of that song to drink shots. We get shots and the friends nicely leave. Thank you nice friends. I pretend that I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m like that’s rude that your friends just left you here with me. Durrr.
We just mess around, play games, and flirt all night. I take her to a couch, we makeout and (after just having read alex’s post on alexattitude.com, I realized I was having deep conversation in the end game…) tell her that she is a very caring and considerate girl (I really meant that though… yea I’m a fag). An old grumpy dude selling roses comes up and tries to market his cheap club roses.
“Sorry dude she’s allergic to roses” (she’s not)
“You’re a fucking liar. Buy her a rose”
“You’re trying to kill my girlfriend” He sits down next to me and tries to cockblock me. Haha
“You just want to fuck her don’t you? But you won’t even buy her a rose.”
“Look I understand your necessity to market such a fine product, but how about I just give you a dollar and you go away.” He looks at her,
“You should dump this guy as soon as you can. He’s cheap. Find a better guy.”
He then gives her a rose anyways. For the first time in my life I did slightly feel like a jerk. Fucking old man rhetoric.
“You are a jerk. I would love a rose from you.”
“Club roses are cheesy. You’re dealing with a real man now. If I were to get you flowers I would go all out. They would make you weep.” She looks at me hesitantly. I tell her were gonna go dance, because I wanted to get out of the jerk character.
We dance. We get some water. We go outside. She goes to get a cab but slips on the ground and scrapes her knee, not very elegant. I run over and pick her up. She’s a little shaken up. We get in the cab, we kiss, I rub her hair, I tell her I’ll nurse her back to health. We get to my apt, I say
“But I just want to go home.”
“Cut the shit. You need medical attention. And I’m trained as that” (no idea wtf I’m talking about) The cab driver is getting mad. Finally she gets out. We go inside, I get some bandaids, hydrogen peroxide, and Neosporin. Clean her up.
We make out on my bed.
Her: “just because you cleaned me up doesn’t mean I’m going to have sex with you”
We start watching Beauty and the Beast on my laptop as I am massaging her. I start rubbing her clit and she starts getting really turned on. She goes down on me as I am doing this. The magic happens, and we fall asleep watching beauty and the beast.
Thank you RSD.
Okay that took a long time to write. Hopefully they will all end like this (haha yea right). I’m going out now.
Love always. Bellagio.
My good buddy Newbie convinced me to get a journal on here to concretely document my journey with only one destination- eternal glory of throbbing beans. Enjoy bitches....