Behzad's Blog

 I should state this in the begining that at the end of this night ... i changed. I became emotional. Some emotions that i always tried to ignore came rushing back since then. Well i should say that i got no numbers during this night. I wasnt the same kind of player that i was at the night before. However my experienced still helped me to do some shit. For eexample i pushed my friend JJ to approach this girl. Whos JJ? Well hes my Punjabi friend. He has a really high approach anxiety. He didnt and he kept on acting as if by just dancing and having fun he will slowly get the girl..... Aint gana happen….cant happen. I told him "GO!! NOW!!" while rocking my right foot on the floor and pointing at the girl with my head and hand. (kinda hard to explain) He shook his shoulders up if u know what i mean. He meant "He didnt know how to" Or "He couldnt.” So i pat him on the back and approach after telling him to watch me. I get the girl to dance with me in 5 seconds. Given the fact that her friend was dancing with someone else this was really easy. Ok heres just a brief explanation of the rest of the night. The girl i was dancing with went for a smoke. I did some dances and approaches that kinda got me nothing. I went back to the smoke girl and she told me with a smile that she wanted to dance alone. I saw her dancing with some other dude after a while. Shouldn’t have left her. I could game her up. Oh well…So I started dancing with this girl who was already dancing with someone else by just eye contact and simply touching her arm. lol she just came towards me like the other guy didnt matter. Well he was a chode apparently because he just "vaporized" after. Then the girl starts looking for her friend. And apparently she was drunk so I leave her be. Bad mistake. Leaving without closing?? Come on!! Then i start dancing with this girl whos just passing and this guy says sth to her that i cant exactly remember and he tells me that shes his gf. Bullshit. So im standing there for 5 seconds to just think of doing sth. I know. I had no voice that night. My voice was basically gone and I had a little cold. So it was hard for me to say anything and the cold was messing with my brains. Or it was the emotions that were rushing back already. No blame on anything else. My fault...Totaly.... My emotions should be in control. They cant be flying anywhere. So the guy says "Ur gana leave us in 3 seconds." I say "What?" He says "Ur gana leave us in 3 seconds or im gana bust ur ass up." Im kinda shocked. So he starts counting as im looking at his counting hand and the girls friend comes and grabs his hand and tells me "Please leave." WTF. I go to the other side with the feeling that i hate what i just did. Acting like a total cause of some "emotional shock". Shouldve stood there and told the guy "im standing where i am. Its u who should be leaving." But i fucked up.I simply Let my false meaningless emotions get the best of me. That became my wake-up call. So this was what was going on in my brain: "Why r u sucha pussy? What does a fucking fight turn into?? Nth! I would rather fight him so that I wouldnt feel like this... I feel so fucking weak!!" The night ends. I try to hide from myself and my emotins by just doing sth that amuses me: Talking bs in indian accent. But when i drop my friend off i feel like shit again. JJ told me that i should not just care about girls in the club and i should just have fun. He was right. I didnt have fun at that night because all i thought about was girls. So i didnt feel like going home. I cruised around with some trance playing in my car. And then ended up at a tim-hortons (coffeeshop) drive through. Through the drivethrough window i saw what the guy inside was doing. It was 3:30 or sth in the morning and he was running around and working. My memories went rushing back to the time that me and my family had our own coffeeshop. I used to work like this. Not at 3:30. I only opened the store at 5 in the morning for 2 weeks and went to the store almost every day( with Friday as a break) at 7:00am in the summer. The rest was mostly other hours. But the way he was working reminded me of the times i was busy. The stress. The emotional dilemmas i had in that time. I couldnt speak much english at the begining. According to me my life was like shit. I had no real friends in high-school. I had never had a gf. I never compeletly stood up for what i wanted. I was fearfull. I was ashamed of myself. And at some points i remember that I HATED myself. I became disgusted when I saw my face in the mirror. I didnt like the person i was and didnt even know which way i was going….. So i thanked the guy for the coffee. Tried to cheer him up a bit which i was pretty successful at. He had to stick his ear out of the window so he could hear me with my fucked-up voice. And I gave him a dollar for tip. Then i drived to the plaza and parked where i could watch the coffee-shop as it reminded me of my past. Right there in the car I started to listen to some sad Persian music. The ones that ALSO reminded me of my past. I almost cried. I held myself by remembering that I was wearing contacts. Then I went back driving with Example’s “Cause u changed the way u kiss me” song. That song kinda reminded me of being a man. That’s why I switched directly to it. So got home wihile still feeling shitty and I went to sleep. In the day after I tried to make myself feel better by reading the last parts of Jeffy’s book “Get Laid Or Die Trying” which are quite inspirational. That kinda helped. But there was still sth missing. I knew that I was behind on my HW. I knew that my last mark on physics was horrible. Was I doing the same thing? Was I letting myself lose again and was going to spend another year in night-school? So I start doing my hw and I realize how much harder it is for me to understand the concepts. At that point…. After a significant amount of time…. I experienced a pain that could not be removed by just forgetting about it. It is all up to me to remove this from my life.Fuck… Failure after failure. I failed to get accepted to a good university in high-school so I went to college to do one year and try again. I failed in my first semester of college by a break-up with a girl I almost loved and also realizing that I didn’t like what I was majoring at. So here I am doing night-school in the second semester of college in order to get back on my feet and im ruining it. That night I decide to go to sleep earlier and study the day after. In the day after I realize that im moving forward in my work so slowly that it bothers me. After I go to the night-school at 6:00 and come back at 9:00 I start to watch a movie with my mom. Well yeah she living with me now for 2 months. And no this aint because im not independent. She only saw me 4 months a year by just travel when I came to Canada. And whenever she came I didn’t feel attached to her….at all. So I asked her to come here with me so that I can figure her out. Is it the fact that she has no feelings that made her stay back-home even though she knew I was literarily fucked in Canada? Or is it just the fact that she doesn’t step-up for what she wants? (Immigration is a tough experience) By now I find the second fact to be more reasonable. She comes and sits down when I tell her that im going to watch a Persian movie (sth I rarely do now). Its kind of a comedy and its fun. I find myself feeling better by attaching to her more. But she looks fucked. She only laughs when I cheer her up and when sth funny happens in the movie. She has a cold. But wtf that cant be a good fucking reason! Oh well I tried. So at the end of the movie she just simply gets up and leaves. I lye on the couch. My head is hearting and I feel like shit. I also tell her that that’s kinda fucked up that she just leaves after the movie ends. She says “Well the movie ended.” Apparently she doesn’t even understand a thing about social life. Maybe a little. Fixing her is no longer my concern. Cause I cant fix her. Its all up to her. No matter how many times ive tried she still doesn’t understand that she has to step-up and also be more social. So I suddenly get up. Putting myself together. Go get some pills and vitamins and get ready to sleep. I feel Masculine. Why? Cause I fucking had enough of this. I simply tell her that she shouldn’t be watching series on her rooms computer and she should be sleeping considering the facts that she feels like shit and that its 12 o’clock. She refuses. So im like “whatever… ur gana feel like shit so why am I worried about it.” I go to bed. I can hardly sleep. Its so fucking warm and im sweating. But that’s good for my cold. I start to feel more relaxed as time passes.
I sleep for almost 12 hours. Feeling fucked still. Well not as fucked as last night. I feel pain. Every pain around me. The cold. The pain about my life. The pain about my education. The pain about the girl I pulled the other night who never texted me back. The pain about pickup. This shit has to get fixed. Im fucking standing up. This has got to end. And today I realized after a while that pain is good. Emotions are good.(not the bullshit ones of course) They show you the way and tell you which way you should be headed. You shouldn’t block ur reasonable emotions because they reveal the truth. You shouldn’t care about what others think. That will only result in negative effects and some other kind of pointless pain that only makes you confused in life. But the pain that tells me Ive had enough. The one that tells me im standing up. This pain is glorious. I feel like nth can stop me now and ima step-up and do it up instead of fucking mourning about it.
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